The 81st Annual Academy Awards aka The Night I repeatedly yelled out HELL TO THE NO, BOBBY B!

Okay, so since this is my third annual Oscar Awards post, you should know by now that I love the Oscars. The Oscar Awards are like Crystal Meth: they are long and drawn out and you feel like shit for sitting and watching it and it's so predictable and you always look like hell the morning after. And yet? I still will watch all 5-billion hours of it. I will watch E! Live On The Red Carpet. I will watch the Gamgam Walters interviews. I love it all.

I even watch it knowing I might be very, very dissapointed. Please see above. Look at La Rourke; so dapper in his little suit, his shoes all shiny. Little picture of Loki on his necklace (tear!). Got-dayum, he is like the white woman's Denzel (um...what?) This was supposed to be Mickey's year! He has won 10,000 other awards for his portrayal of Randy The Ram (aka Randy The Only Guy Who Works in the Meat Department of the Grocery Store I Would Totally Sleep With) and last night, when they announced who the Lead Actor in a Motion Picture award was going to...NOTHING. In the sort-of words of Kanye/Michael K of Dlisted: THAT IS SOME ZOOLANDER SHIT!! They were calling the name Sean Penn and you could see La Rourke getting out of his seat. And, quite frankly, Sean Penn has enough Oscars. I just checked, and apparently he only has 2. But still, he has a shitload of nominations under his belt. GODDAMN, THIS WAS MICKEY ROURKE'S YEAR! Give him your Milk Oscar, damnit!

Ugh, moving on. Here are some more Potent Notables from last night:

- I do NOT like the way they announced the Acting nominees. I hated how it was like a 10-person circle jerk. 5 actors/actresses standing on stage giving little bullshit speeches with long drawn-out pauses. "Angelina......Jolie. Your por....trayal. Of a Mother. In the 1920s. Was....so....moving. You brought. Life. To this role" and bla and bla and bla. And then the nominees are sitting back in their little seats with teary eyes doing that fucking fake-ass prayer-hands-to-their-lips shit. You know what I'm talking about? Then they open their hands, like they're offering birdseed to finches, and mouth Thank You or I Love You and it's SO PHONY.

- The only one who keeps it real, year after year, is Meryl Streep. You can tell that she is looking around at all these weepy dumbasses with their sad-sack speeches in their hands and is thinking "Enjoy it, douchbags. Next year, you'll be watching the Oscars on your couch in your sweats. I'll be here. I could shit on a kitten and they'll give me a Nomination for it". Plus, Meryl Streep is badass - anyone who can be nominated for the most Academy Awards ever and be the star of Death Becomes Her and She-Devil is alright in my books.

- Where was Jack Nicholson?!?!

- Hugh Jackman is amazing. I really don't think people take him seriously (not that starring in that shit-show Australia helps). The man is hot as hell, has an accent, is buff enough to play Wolverine, is gay enough to star in Broadway plays (which he won a Tony, bt-dubs), is funny, was Van Helsing, is charming, and apparently he is just a peach to meet in person. Normally I consider singing to be the lowest form of communication (just lower than Mime) but I really enjoyed his musical numbers! I hope he hosts again next year (shirtless, pls).

- Viola Davis was r-r-r-robbed too! Penelope Cruz is adorable and everything, but was she that good in Vicky-Christina-Whatever? Did she play an abused wife and the mother to a gay, possibly-being-molested, son? I didn't think so.

- I think that Phillip Seymour Hoffman got a kick out of Alan Arkin announcing his name wrong (Seymour Phillip Hoffman). Look, if Peepaw Arkin wants to call you Jimmy Jackson, let him call you Jimmy Jackson.

- I can't wait for the day when Beyonce isn't relevant anymore. Also, did we really need Vanessa-n-Zac Efron to help sing that medley? Oh wait, yes we did, because Amanda Seyfried CAN'T SING.

- That set was great. I have nothing bad to say about it.

- That eyeball-deathmatch between Angie-Jo and Aniston was nothing to write home about. Angie looked smug (as usual. Beautiful, but smug as hell) and Aniston was funny and charming and very beachy. Liked her hair. Who won? Nobody won, you idiot! Brad left her 4 years ago, let's get over it, shall we??

- Ben Stiller dressing up as MC Bed-Bugs-Beard was amazing. I love that the man was nominated for Best Actor at the 73rd and 79th Academy Awards, and then they are lampooning his ass at the 81st Academy Awards.

- There should have been more WALL-E.

- There should have been more Paul Newman footage during the "Peaced Out This Year" tribute.

- Ricky Gervais was right - a surefire way to win an Oscar is to do a film about the Holocaust.

- HOW AMAZING IS JERRY LEWIS?!?! I will let some of his less-than-amazing comments slide because the man does have a big heart.

- Kunio Kato: "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto". Amazing.

- I got teary-eyed when Heath Ledger's family accepted his award.

- And finally, I haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire. There, I said it! I might go see it now.


emily said...

i think the "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" part was the best. also the dresses were pretty and therefore not much to make fun of people for, sadly.

Anonymous said...

Mickey Rourke will be going home with an Oscar afterall. He's picking up a new chihuahua this week and naming him Oscar!

Did you know he had an identical tuxedo made for Loki for the Academy Awards?

Anonymous said...

They failed to honour Patrick McGoohan, Harvey Korman and Brad Renfro in the memorial tribute.

The Mighty J said...

Rourke deserved it - Penn only got it because Hollywood loves the gays.

Anonymous said...

If that were true "Mighty J" then Brokeback Mountain would have taken the 2006 best picture Oscar. That film was heavily favoured to win BP however it was a well known fact that some academy members refused to view the film let alone vote for it. Many favoured Sean Penn to win this year to silence the open criticism against the percieved homophobic Academy.

No matter how you see it, Mickey Rourke was robbed!!!!

The Mayor said...

Things to note - I didn't realize the Academy was perceived as homophobic. Then again, you could also perceive them as sexist (few women directors, women nominated based on whether or not they get naked) racist (out of all acting nominees and winners, almost all are white) ageist (most awards go to those in their 20s/30s) etc etc etc.

Even though I'm straight, white, waspy (aka "The Man") I am sort of glad Sean Penn won for Milk. His speech was 100% dead-on; people should be ashamed at the way America treats LGBT citizens.

BUT (with an utt) they should have had a tie - both should have won. Both were outstanding and neither was better than the other.

And can I just say this? WTF was Brad Pitt nominated?? Shit, all he had to do was get his face to the set; the make-up artist and CGI person did the rest.

Anonymous said...


Sean Penn's performance was most worthy of an Oscar. I loved his tongue in cheek acceptance speech remark "you commie, homo loving sons of guns". He rightly scolded Cali(prop 8) and all of America for denying all their citizens equality.

California's rep is liberal, the reality, not so much.

alex davey illustrations said...

Why don't you post daily anymores?