"Fuckin...green-to-white technology"

Hey turds! Okay, so listen...you all know how much I love infomercials. I watch them like they are actual TV shows. Maybe I have mental problems, or maybe I have mental problems. Look, it's not up for debate. The point is, infomercials are amazing - they show you an amazingly useless product, add a couple of idiot fuck-up actors who's sole job is to act baffled at what they see, spend between 30 to 60 minutes shouting at you to break your spirits and make you feel like a turkey sandwich for not owning one, and then they throw a cheap price in your face. Plus, there are usually a lot of spinning graphics and bright colours, which always keeps me interested, particularily when I am high out of my fucking skull. One of my favourite things to do is to curl up in my bed with a bag of Doritos, a bottle of Pepto, a can of duster, and a raging hang-over, and watch someone try to sell me the Magic Bullet or the Pedi-Egg. And it always almost works! I say almost, cause I'm broke as country folk, so no matter how much I want it, I can never, ever afford it. Infomercials are a big tease.

Anyways, you probably all know who Billy Mays is - he sells Oxy Clean and a bunch of other pieces of shit that WalMart/Middle America just eats up. In the clip below he is selling some kind of putty that has been injected with Magic Jesus Steroids so that it can bond to anything. BUT the real gift here is that someone has re-dubbed the commercial so well, that it is almost exactly how I would describe the product if I were relaying all the information to my friends. It's amazing. I want the guy who re-dubbed this to narrate the birth of my first child (if it can survive the years of abuse my uterus has taken from Diet Coke).

Next we have my future husband, Vince, who will make you feel like shit for not owning a Sham-Wow. Seriously, listen to the tone of his voice and tell me he isn't thinking "Goddamn, you people are so stupid...I can't believe you don't own like 9 of these fuckers by now. I am just shaking my head in disbelief that you continue to purchase paper towels. You are all suckers."

I double-checked to see if he had a Wikipedia page. He does (praise Jesus) and I learned that he is 44 years old. Fuhrull?? He doesn't look a day over Methface. But I'm dead serious when I say I would sleep with Vince (who's last name is Offer, btw. So many jokes...I'll let you have them, it's too easy). He is fiiiiiine. I love that one wonky eye and his abrasive, aggressive demeanor. I'd bet dollars to donuts that he needs to be choked to maintain an erection. What a dream. He'd treat you like crap and then when it was done, he'd pester you till you went out and bought him Burger King (I have a feeling Vince is a Whopper kind of guy). Then he'd spill shit all over your couch and tell you to "call up Billy Mays and have him clean it" all while laughing uncontrollably.


Anonymous said...

"Made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff!"

What like Jewish BBQ?

The Mayor said...

Wow. Just wow.
I am not even sure if that was meant to be racist or just plain ignorant.

alex davey illustrations said...

Why didn't you cover top 20 informercials? two is not enough.

emily said...

i spent my second year in university watching infomercials. the rised aerobed was always my favourite.

in other related to vince news and the whole choking erection thing. take a look at this....gold

Emily said...

I also cannot get enough of Vince.

In case you haven't seen these:



Marina said...

I totally agree that you NEED to put up more than just 2.

The Mayor said...

Okay okay OKAY! I will be doing a Best Of informercials for Monday. Y'all happy?

Sarah J M said...

I read that the Sham Wow guy is a Scientologist, so make of that what you will.

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