Oh my god! So much fun news! I just pissed a little!

I couldn't pick a fitting image for today, so I decided to simply go with what works; a fat li'l skeewurl. Come on, don't tell me you don't want to pick his pudgy little ass up and give him a cuddle! I mean, sure, he'll probably bite you and give you rabies (or at least little lice-like parasites) but for the 3 seconds leading up to that bite, he'll be the cutest little cottonball you've ever snorgled. I was once bit by a chipmunk and it was so damned cute I couldn't complain. But that fucker BIT ME, let me tell you. It wasn't a nip or a pinch; he got me with a whole mouth of teefs. Did I learn my lesson? No. I picked him up again and he bit me again. Swoon. Animals always tell you how they're really feeling.

Anyways, there is lots to report today! So if you were looking for a funny post about...ugh, I dunno, squirel bites, then you already got it. Go back to bed. Nothing to see here. Alright, so first things first. America's Next Top Model, Cycle 12: The Dirty Dozen begins February 25th. That means 2 weeks and a day! I am mega-pumped, but I know you turds have been losing interest. So to remedy this, I am bringing on a SHINY NEW GUEST! I know you guys loved when Intern Tylerface was around, and I don't blame you. That kid is alright with me. But he has to get his shit together and graduate High School, otherwise he'll be stuck writing a blog for the rest of his life. And take it from this one: NOT A GOOD LIFE PATH TO CHOOSE. So anyways, Tylerface: Out! And who will be filling his very funny shoes? Well of course I could only replace him with someone who's name sounds very similar (years and years of standing too close to the microwave in the name of trying to obtain superpowers have left me with little more than a blank stare and huh?s and what?s). So this Cycle I will be mercilessly cutting down and making fun of sad-sack Sears Catalogue models with none other than...Ty from Tyland! This is going to be very interesting, as if you have ever read his work (cammon, I've posted links many times before) he is notoriously high-brow. This will be like Sarah Silverman working with Robert Frost. Or Dan Rather. Or John Updike. Basically what I'm getting at is Ty from Tyland writes well and I write poo jokes (hey, they're my bread and butter).

Also new news! This weekend I'll be blogging about going to the nerdyest nerd gathering this side of a party at Seth Green's house. I'm going to PodCamp! Two full days of seminars and chit-chats about blogging. They might as well just re-name this The One Weekend a Year Where Inside Kids Leave Their Houses. I think it will be fun, but don't trust me - I love nerdy shit like this. Plus, Molson is a sponsor, so that can only mean one thing...free booze!

(Internal Monologue: it BETTER mean free booze).

I have been told by my very observant, much more internet-savvy mother that PodCamp is NEXT WEEKEND. I am bummed like you have no idea. I was really looking forward to hanging out with a plethora of pasty-faced oatmeal-smelling inside kids all weekend. Gah! What will I do now? (Don't say get a life, you fuckers. I don't need that shit right now)

And finally, for 7 days I will be blogging away from the comfort of my dimly-lit home in Toronto and instead will be coming to you from where Gam-Gams go to die....FLORIDA!! That's right! This year I am taking a much-needed vacation and will be going to Florida, and of course I will be blogging every step of the way! You know how much I love 'Merica, so this will be a real treat for me. Plus, I get an amazing stop-over on the way to the Big F; Dallas. I can't wait, I am so pumped! I have never been to Texas. Although my sister wrote in her diary (when she was like, 6, mind you) that her "greatest wish" was for me to "take a trip to Texas and die there". So yeah, I might not be coming home. More about that story later (actually, no. There isn't really much to add. She wanted me to go to Texas. And die there. End of story).

So yeah! That's all for now, friends! And if you're in the Toronto area and want to come to PodCamp, it's Free! That means that you may get free stuff and hear neato stuff about blogging and podcasting. Also, you may get beer out of it, so that's not all bad. And you might see me, The Mayor! Although you will have no idea what I look like, just keep you eyes peeled for the lumbering, drooling, blonde doofus sniffing out beer.


alex davey illustrations said...

oh man, imagined you died in texas? i'd be the first suspect!

Anonymous said...

Just how interesting?

You mentioned Ty and Sears in the same sentence?! so of course I imagine Tyland busting out the walls of this Skipraid trailor park and delivering us an "Extreme Makeover:Home Edition" style ANTM!

Thanks Mayor!