2.09.2009

WARNING! Do NOT see Coraline high out of your mind.

First off, kids...don't do drugs. I mean, I know your dumb asses are going to put anything and everything in your mouths, just watch your asses, k? Don't fuck with meth and heroin, and if I ever catch you smoking crack I will deliver the beat-down your parents forgot to give you years ago. Capeiche?

(Internal monologue moment: Weed isn't a drug, but just like McDonalds, if you put too much of that shit in your mouth, you will become a fucking loser.)

Anyways, this weekend I went to see Coraline. Now, I need to stress one thing - I love being hiiiigh as a fucking kite. Hell, the man who collects my recycling can attest to that; I must throw out 60-70 empty Computer Duster cans each week. Just in case you were wondering, my brand is Grand & Toy generic; I like to be thrifty. (Editor's Note: my sister told me it sounds like I have left the world of 'joking' and crossed into the world of 'serious'. I need to stress: I don't actually spend my days high out of my mind. The only time I'm high is when I enter a Taco Bell. That shit is euphoric).

But where was I going with this? Ah yes, I'm not one of those people who like to see movies high. I like to be 100% there. If I'm paying $14 to see a movie you know I want to come out 2 hours later remembering where the hell I just was. And yes, I still go to Multi-Plexes and pay insane prices. I like the over-stuffed chairs, the arm-rests, the assurance that rats haven't been sleeping in the popcorn and that there won't be a homeless person masturbating over my shoulder. So sue me. And just like a suburban goth 14-year-old Hot Topic-enthusiast, I love The Nightmare Before Christmas. It's beautiful. I also like Corpse Bride, but not as much; Helena Bonham Carter just doesn't sift my sugar. And Jonny Depp is only really good when he isn't in puppet form (ie. you can see his handsome, handsome face). But Coraline is so much better than both. The story is just tremendous and the stop-motion animation is incredible. When I say incredible, I mean it is one hell of a mindfuck, people. You cannot believe that what you are looking at is 100% real. She has teeny-tiny knitted mittens, people. He hair is made of individual strands. Steam comes out of a kettle and it's actually cotton.

In case you are unfamiliar, Coraline is the story of a young girl who moves with her parents into a remote Victorian that has been divided into apartments. In general, she is not happy - her parents, busy with their writing careers, are a bit neglectful, and her neighbors are weird. One day she finds a small door and tunnel which leads her to the Other World. It's the same as her world, but much better; her parents are wonderful and everything is beautiful. Except everyone has buttons for eyes. This is where we get into the whole 'don't do drugs before seeing this movie' bit. Anyways, the Other Mother turns into a bitch and it's discovered that she has killed little children or some shit. Also, Coraline can't go back to her regular house because of...I dunno...some space-time continuim. Long story short, if she doesn't rescue her parents and stuff, then the Other Mother will pick out her eyes and sew in buttons. Weird!!! Okay, let's get to the Don't Do Drugs diatribe. While Coraline is amazing and visually stunning and the music is great and the voices are terrific (Dakota Fanning! John Hodgman! The AbFab ladies!) it is SO. EFFING. SCARY. Holy shit, it gets very very creepy and makes you feel very very uneasy. For instance. There is a talking cat in the movie who helps Coraline. He sees this adorable mouse and kills it. When he does, the mouse turns into a disgusting rat. I know, right?? Also there are Scotty Dog vampire bats, her friend's face gets a permanent smile stitched into it, her Other Father starts fucking melting, etc etc etc oh my god, why was it so creepy?!?!?!?! Take The Nightmare Before Christmas and turn the Dial-O-Weird up about 11 notches. Then add a bit of John Waters, that batshit-creepy version of Wizard of Oz with Fairuza Balk, your worst nightmares, that time you did shrooms and watched The Sixth Sense, everytime someone has hidden behind a door and scared you, and Jocelyn Wildenstein. Do you understand why I'm asking you not to get stoned before you see this movie?? I don't want you to have nightmares for weeks, people! I'm just out to protect your asses!!

Do I Give this Shit a Rating?
A+
It is definitely worth that plus sign, my friends. Let's compare it to WALL-E for a second. Is it as good as WALL-E? Yes, absolutely. Is the story as original? Yes, actually. Just like WALL-E is a plucky little robot underdog, it is nice to see a movie hero who is a) a girl and b) not a princess and c) actually very heroic. Would I buy this on DVD? No, but that's cause I'm cheap and I steal movies off the internet. Should you buy it? Sure, go nuts. Would I bring my 5-year-old cousin to see this? Hay-ull to the No, Bobby B! I can't afford therapy bills!

2 comments:

audrey mia said...

so... i know you said not to... bc it's a really good movie & gets all creepy & whatnot... but i'm thinking i'm going to watch it high anyway. lol

hope i don't regret this...

Link: said...

The 1st time I watched Coraline, I was high and I thought I was just tripping. But then I watched straight. . .
Guess what?
WTF????

The same feeling! I am huge horror freak, but this animation scared the shit out of me! The best!!! LOVE IT! Twisted. . .