3.30.2009

THE WEDDING IS OFF!

Normally I do not like to talk about my personal life, but there have been some events that happened this past weekend that I feel the need to address. As you may know, the love of my life, ShamWow Vince (aka Vince Offer aka Vince Shlomi) was arrested in Miami for Slap-Chopping a prostitute. I can't believe it. When I think of class and pedigree, I think of Vince; truly a captain of industry. But for him to get involved with a prostitute not only tarnishes what we had, but also paints him as a sleazy hooker-slapping poor-man's Billy Mays.
So yeah, needless to say, my love affair with ShamWow Vince is over. OVER damnit! I can't be with a pathetic, hooker-slapping Slap-Chop salesman. The last time I spoke with Vince was Saturday morning at 3:00am when he called begging me to post bail. AS IF! I live in Canada; you think I'm going to get out of bed, put on pants, get my ass to the airport, book the first flight to Miami, throw roaming charges to the wind and call a cab using my cellphone, find my way to the holding cell where Vince is drying out, write a cheque for 3 grand, call for another cab, check into the Miami Hilton, fight over who's going to fill up the ice bucket, agree that whoever doesn't fill up the ice bucket should go get sodas, get pissed off when the Hilton soda machine has Sprite instead of Sierra Mist, take several Tylenol PMs, wake up after the continental breakfast is done, grudgingly walk to Denny's, order a Moon Over My Hammy over-easy, receive a Moon Over My Hammy sunny-side-up, send it back, spill coffee on the table, watch Vince show how the ShamWow works, and on and on and on. You know who wouldn't pull that crap with me?
Exactly. Billy Mays would never hire a Miami hooker and slap her up. Billy Mays is a gentleman.

3.29.2009

The TV Canadian Kids watched in the 80s & 90s

I know that American Kids have a very special spot for Nickleodeon and the Disney Channel in their patriotic hearts, and I can totally see why. Clarissa Explains it All was a great show. So was Double Dare. But if you grew up north of the border, your childhood was void of The New Mickey Mouse Club. Instead of pre-teen Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, we had crappy puppets, low-budget green screens, and a guy who climbed out of a log. Let's take a walk down memory lane and look back at the TV Canadian Kids watched...

SPOILER ALERT: Prepare to feel very very old.


Mr. Dressup
For all my American readers, you need to know that Mr. Dressup (aka Ernie Coombs) is the godfather of Canadian Children's Programming. He didn't have a schtick - he just drew some pictures and dressed up in costumes (from the Tickle Trunk) and jammed with his good friends Casey and Finnegan (Finnegan is a dog). Know what was so dope?? That episode where they showed you the inside of Casey and Finnegan's house!! Shit!!! That was crazy!!



Fred Penner's Place
Wow. Fred. You might want to change that shirt, buddy. You look like a predator. "Take good care of eachother".


Today's Special
What can I say about TS that hasn't already been said one hundred times? This show is a classic.


Puttnam's Prairie Emporium
Okay, so this show used to air at noon during the week and I used to watch it everyday while eating grilled cheese sandwiches/bologna sandwiches (depending on what my mother's felt like making). Here's the gist: this guy owns a general store and his kids (Grandkids? Nosy hooligans?) are always just hanging with a cat puppet in Wayfarers. There's also a lady (their mom?) and a Jerry Lewis-like scientist. Oh, and that moose head on the wall can talk. The kid's face at 3:23 pretty much sums up me while I was re-watching clips of the show. So friggin lame - how was I able to sit through 30 minutes of this crap every day??


Gigglesnort Hotel
One time I was in class at school and my friend Anna asked me: "did you ever watch that show with the clay head guy and the other guy used to twist his clay-face around and he used to moan and cry?" I said I did, and she then went "did it used to give you horrible, terrifying nightmares?" Yes, yes it did.


Take Part
Oh my god, I was OBSESSED with this show!! It was a husband and wife, Lois and Herb Walker, and they used to do skits and read stories and make crafts (lord, the crafts they would make!!) and then Mister Twister would come out in a creepy costume and would tell a riddle or a tongue-twister. Also there was the green furry mailbox who ate letters and said "YOOOOOOU BET!"


It's Alive!
If you remember It's Alive, then I give you a serious high-five. It was a sketch show for kids back in the early 90s and, unlike most "comedy" shows for kids, it didn't pander to uptight parents or water-down the jokes.


The Waterville Gang
If the dubious quality of this show seems familiar, it's because it was the brainchild of one Billy Van. Sound familiar? He's the guy who also gave us The Hilarious House of Frightenstein. I loved this show, even during it's Shark-Jumping turn when they introduced a bowtie-wearing penguin character. A fucking penguin under the sea?? Come on Billy Van, at least give us a acid-dropping, classic-rock loving Wolfman character.


Just Like Mom
I wanted to be on this game show SO BADLY when I was a kid, but my mother was very upset at how much food they wasted. Everytime I'd watch it, she'd just stand there with her arms crossed, shaking her head and going "look at all that food...what a shame". The premise was that a Mother/Daughter team (and later a Mother/Son team, because we don't want to be totally sexist) would compete to see if the Mother could pick out the food their kid made. But it was always the same ingredients: Robin Hood flour, eggs, butter, baking powder, chocolate chips, barbecue sauce, and Gatorade. Didn't matter what they were making, there was always BBQ sauce and Gatorade.


Ready or Not
This show was the shit. Apparently Busy Ramone is now a coke-addicted lesbian. Crazy!


Size Small Island
This show was so bizarre. There was a 12-year-old girl who played an 80-year-old woman (Grandma Gussie) who whistled when she talked, a puppet named Cooter, and a giant record who tapped two wooden spoons together. And yet? I was so sad when they canceled it!


The Edison Twins
Go ahead and try to find me a better theme song that the one for The Edison Twins. I'll wait. No really, go ahead, I've got time.


You Can't Do That on Television
I wasn't really encouraged to watch this show, so I had to do so when my mother was doing the laundry or my dad was in charge. I loved everything about YCDTOT; including the use of Moose as a girl's name. Note to self; first child should be named Moose.


The Raccoons
This show really is one of Canada's best legacies. The Raccoons was an amazing show for a few reasons. The first being that it actually followed canonical storylines (meaning that each episode picked up where the last left off) and the second was that each episode was very deep and existential. You felt for the characters, you wanted them to triumph over Cyril Sneer. It was like an animated network drama. I actually believe that some episodes made me cry.


Téléfrancais!
Forget the fact that Ananas is a huge flamer; were you not so sad when Sophie left the show!??! That was hard to take when you were a kid. She like, moved to France or something! Also, Les Squelettes were too scary. I didn't like watching them. But you know what is truly amazing - how EVERY kid in Canada watched this in their French classes. Was it required curriculum, or did we just have some very lazy teachers?

3.25.2009

Phun with Photoshop w/ Kim Kardashian!!

Click to make big. See what I did there? It's called a joke.

Okay, so Complex magazine accidentally let the dogs out (so to speak) and gave us the gift of an un-retouched shot of America's Smartest Philanthropist (accent on the pist. Hey-o!). Now, I'm not one to come down hard on Photoshopping; in fact, I like it when pictures are photoshopped to hell and back. Why? Because it sends a message out to celebrities that says "Hey uggers! We'd love for you to be on the cover of Women's Fitness, but you're just too damn hideous! We're going to take a picture of you (just to get the general idea of what you look like) and then we're going to make you much skinnier, whiter, hairless, with better skin and facial features. We do this because we respect you sooooo much!!" and it really brings them down a peg.

Plus, I love seeing these side-by-sides to see just how much work they really have to do on any given day. I'd say that Kim Kardashian (famous for letting Ray J urinate on her and not much else) looks pretty good in the before. Yes, she has a bit of a FUPA, her legs are a little splotchy, her hairline is doing something weird...but overall, Kim looks great. I'd die to have a body like hers; super curvy and sexy, but she doesn't look like she skips the Cracker Barrel's grits and gravy. Good for you, girl! Plus - are you looking at her boobs? They barely even touched them - I can only imagine what a retoucher would do to my chest.

"Um...can we...I dunno...make her boobs look less like Ziploc Freezer Bags full of vanilla pudding and blue phone cables?"

I'm so pale, I'm like Slim Goodbody's kid.So imagine Slim Goodbody as a girl with blonde hair, and I dunno...holding a jello salad. I love jello salad.

3.24.2009

Well, they're not getting divorced...yet

Sidebar - if any of you want to thank me for my countless years of service, I would graciously accept this mug. I love mugs, what can I say? I drink a lot of coffee. For the past 6 months I have been drinking out of a Jesus Shaves mug. I'm sure you've seen them somewhere, they sell them at Urban Outfitters.And in case you were wondering, yes, I am the Judah Friedlander of my office. Moving on to the good stuff...

Last night's Jon & Kate Plus 8 gave us a lot of things, but it didn't give us a yes or no on the divorce rumours. I had a feeling they wouldn't come right out and say it (because that would be tacky). But I wanted some dirt to keep me entertained; if I wanted good-humoured family interactions, I would just watch re-runs of Little People Big World.

First off, they kept repeating Jon going "I'm not Jon...I'm Jon and Kate plus eight". No shit Sherlock! What else did you think would happen when you signed a contract with TLC to have your entire life videotaped? Jesus Murphy, he's stupid. Then he kept mentioning that he wasn't really in this episode because he was staying with his sick Mother. Except that everytime he said it, it sounded like a 15-year-old who just got caught stealing money out of your wallet.

"I didn't go to painting because I was out of town for a full 8 days because my mom broke her leg and her husband couldn't be there to help her so like, what am I supposed to do? Let her suffer? So I went to stay with her for 8 days and that's why I couldn't be there with the kids and Kate and stuff because I had to help her cook and do stuff around the house because she's my mom and she broke her leg. So yeah, that's why I wasn't there." Oooooookayyyyeee...we didn't ask, buddy.

Then at the end we were left with this "Will They or Won't They" feeling regarding Season 5. We're at a fork in the road, people. Here is the jist of it:

Kate: wants to come back and do Season 5 because she LOVES it and it's the best job she's ever had.

Jon: HELLS TO THE NO, BOBBY B!!!!

So they have some issues they need to work out. Right now Jon is working at home, which he CLEARLY hates, so who knows where this will go. Kate owns Jon, so you know that there will definitely be a Season 5, but it will be a season full of an extremely aggitated and asshole-ish Jon. Do we really want to see that? Will Jon actually return? Will they get a D-vorce?? I smell a seperation. GOOD FOR RATINGS!! It's time to kick that Duggar Family's ass into cancellation. Seriously, who actually watches 17 and Counting?

But more than divorce rumours and Aaden's paint-on-the-face tantrum, I couldn't help but think: What is going on with homegirl's hair? In the words of my cousin, "Kate needs to do something about that curtain of hair". True! It is like a big sheet of hair that has been strangely fixed to her scalp. Who told Kate this was a good idea?Let's put her hair aside for a moment and concentrate on the real issue here; did anyone else notice that Kate has been hitting the Mystic Tan pretty aggressively lately?I know it's a crudely mashed together jpeg of an orange with eyes and a mouth, but come on - I'd say it gets the point across pretty well. Speaking of crudely thrown-together...Jon, your hair plugs are showing. Did anyone else see that?!?! Jon has clearly had some scalpular-mid-life-crisis work done. He's not a regular Dad, he's a cool Dad. Ah Mean Girls - you have a quote for everything, don't you?

3.23.2009

The Jon & Kate Plus 8 episode I've been waiting for is on tonight!!!

I HAD to choose this picture of Jon and Kate Gosselin because it truly shows off how classy and elegant they are. Look at Kate's dress; you'd swear we fell into a wormhole from 1992. And Jon's hair? My god, does anyone else out there have a massive erection from the sight of People Magazine's Sexiest Man of 2009? It doesn't usually get announced till, like, December or whatever, but I'm assuming People Magazine won't overlook this year's obvious choice.

I'm sure you're sitting at your computers thinking "why the hell is she posting about Jon & Kate Plus 8?" Let me tell you something; I watch this show WITHOUT irony. I love it. When I say I love it, I mean I will literally run home from work to watch reruns, or turn off my phone Monday nights at 9pm to watch a full uninterrupted hour of the hottness that is Jon Gosselin, the massive bitchiness and verbal fire that is Kate Gosselin, their 7 adorable half-Asian half-White children, and Mady (their obnoxious pain-in-the-ass 1st kid). Well, tonight at 9pm on TLC we have the Season Finale of Jon & Kate Plus 8 and if the previews are any indication of what we have in store for us, I think the Gosselins might be getting a D-Vorce! It should come as no surprise - Jon's philandering is well-documented, and whether he has or hasn't cheated on Kate, he definitely has a taste for Hawaiian Tropic rub-down girls and Spring Break co-eds who watch an unhealthy ammount of TLC.

I know you're probably thinking that Jon's a dog and "what kind of asshole leaves his wife with 8 kids?" Well, please take a look at these 2 clips from The Soup (I couldn't embed them because the owner is a stingy b'yotch).

Clip 1

Clip 2

Um....yeah. I'm personally surprised Jon lasted this long without hitting the bottle. They should show clips of this show to gays and lesbians fighting for same-sex marriage with the disclaimer: DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS SHIT?!?! I mean, don't get me wrong - not everybody's marriage is as horrible as the Gosselins. But I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that a good portion of people married more than 5 years watch this show and say "Goddamn, I hate my husband...but not nearly as much as Kate hates Jon".

So tonight I will watch with baited breath for the final 10 minutes when Jon and Kate decide their fate. It will probably go a little something like this:

Kate: So...Jon and I have found the last 12 months very difficult.
Jon: Every morning I wake up, I curse God that I didn't die in my sleep.
Kate: Well, it's not that bad. But we have been seeing a marriage counsellor and he thinks that we should talk about the future of our marriage.
Jon: I would personally like to see a divorce happen.
Kate: No you don't.
Jon: No...no I don't.
Kate: We need to work some things out.
Jon: I need to work out better ways to escape this hellhole I call a life. So far, paint thinner has been doing the trick, but I find that it isn't as strong as it once was. I'm thinking it may be time to slowly work my way into the hard stuff, like Crystal Meth.
Kate: No you don't.
Jon: No...no I don't.

Tomorrow I'll update on what the hubub is all about. You watch - it will be something so bogus and lame like "Jon and I are....having problems with....the plumbing in our new house. It's really been difficult to get a plumber in". Ugh, we'll see. Happy Monday, urrbods!!!

3.19.2009

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 3: She Doesn't Walk...She Floats

The Mayor: Ah, such poetic words from immortal Celia; I couldn't have worded it any better myself. Miss J does float, doesn't he? (Sorry Celia, but he's still a man - so no, he isn't a she).

Ty from Tyland: It is imperative to sustainability of my enjoyably fresh career as a television analyst that I clearly elucidate my strong belief in the relative purity of my own soul before I level some much overdue and to me, quite obvious criticism. Unlike Sandra, I am not the undead and unlike Allison, I don’t have parents from two distinctly different species (one of which is mythological). I have also never committed a crime heinous enough to garner a stern talking to from Judith Sheindlin or been so effing drunk / American to require Maury to tell me which of my ‘friends’ that I sometimes invite over at 3am to talk with and watch the Magic Bullet popped out a kid that I fathered and subsequently ignored. With that all out in the open like a Tom Hanks chest lesion, I should probably mention that yes, I am guilty for dumping / not calling back female companions for carrying a few extra orders of Fries Supreme in the baby basket and although my weight based criticism that follows is as impartial as Sutan judging a most misshapen areola contest, there is a particular reason that a straight man has latched himself onto this programme and it has very little to do with fashion. Preamble: end. Burny is too fat.The Mayor: …and with that, I just finished a Nachos Supreme and a Burrito Bel Grande. If eating copious amounts of sodium, pintos, and cheese is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. Speaking of why we watch, I’m the opposite end of the spectrum. I watch it for the fashion. KIDDING! Like I give a shit about that hack Jil Stuart. Speaking of which, that runway show was lazy at best.Celia looked like she was holding bags of crap and London looked like she just hopped off the special bus on her first day of school (Okay class, get out your circle of paper and a safety pencil). You know what wasn’t an utter disappointment? CHARM SCHOOL!! And it wouldn’t be ANTM without bringing back some old hags to fill the void left by the girl’s blank stares. Cycle 9’s Bianca and Chantal took some time out from their busy burger-flipping schedule to come and teach the girls how to avoid success.

Ty from Tyland: With the fantasticalness of Chantal and a slimmer / more coked out Bianca from Cycle 9 as damning contrast, it was clear that Burny’s unconfident just going to the drug store to buy some more Rejuveness walk was probably a result of the cringe inducing sound of her thighs rubbing together rather than feeling like a telethon guest for the children’s burn ward. It was surprising that when Charm School was in session Miss J. could find one of those awful Old Navy outfits that would fit her. Scrunchy face was right, Burny did have the worst photo from Week Two. What was she supposed to say? Every one of those bitches would have jumped all over her for pointing them out. Truth hurts – but probably not as bad as boiling hot…

The Mayor: Not to interrupt disgrossting imagery...but can I just say this? What was up with Tyra's shirt at judging? She looked like Red Skelton doing Freddy the Freeloader. I was expecting at any moment for her to rub charcoal on her face and say "Whoops, I dropped my bindle! Does anyone have $0.30 for a sandwich?"I love that Tyra can smile with her eyes, and Miss J can cut a bitch with his.

Ty from Tyland: Again, in order of perceived excellence:

Noxeema Jackson
Ty from Tyland: "You either smoke, or you get smoked. And, you got smoked." – so true. Now if you could only teach the Woody Harrelson-esque rest of the models to jump, we’d see a much better end to the cycle and possibly a Rosie Perez sighting. Did anyone notice that the final edit of this episode included barely a word from Sandra? Is that why I enjoyed this week more or was I so caught up in reliving Snipes snippets that Paula could have shown her worth and I wouldn’t have noticed?
The Mayor: Sandra is lame and I don't like her. SORRY!

Celia
Ty from Tyland: The winner of the most shocking moment of the episode. How can she not know babies? Hold them up by the leg? Is that how you raised your first son Regis Philbin? No wonder his head turned out to be so big – all the blood much have rushed there.
The Mayor: "Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft".

Scrunchy Face
Ty from Tyland: If her upward swing from the first half of the episode had allowed her head to continue to expand and her confidence hadn’t been so brutally squelched by the horrendous tourist photo, would she have focused the ego swelling energy to her features and turned herself into a regular looking person?
The Mayor: DO NOT WANT!!! I can't stands Natalie.

Wind Tunnel
Ty from Tyland: The remake-over didn’t change the fact that her hairline is as curious as Jeremy Piven’s. Where does it begin? Just as I was curious as to why bangs weren’t employed during the first go round, I’m equally perplexed as to why someone with a Seabiscuit jaw and set of teefs was given a distinguishable ‘mane.’ Giddy-up - next stop, the bottom two.
The Mayor: They should have gotten her new weave from the grocery store bag-boy. Paper or plastic, it don't matter just as long as it covers up that mug.

Little Burny Foo Foo
Ty from Tyland: What amazes me the most about my rant above is that at no point did I make the quip that I had so looked forward to sliding in like a drunken frat boy to a roofied sophmore – ‘Walking with bags? Looks like Tahlia’s got a serious advantage for this runway challenge.’
The Mayor: When Tahlia hoovering that Ben & Jerry's during their game of Truth or Dare, I actually yelled out "Stop it! This is why designers don’t want to put you in a bathing suit!!" To quote the ever-useful, fully-quotable Wayne's World: Burnvictimwhoeatsherfeelings says what? Exactly.

Kortnie
Ty from Tyland: Somewhere in the deep south, after a sixer of Old Milwaukee and a few microwavable burritos, a poor autoworker named Randy lost his well laboured boner after seeing the mess that was Kortnie’s photo.
The Mayor: See, I like to imagine Kortnie's type is more like this:Nijah
Ty from Tyland:In another bit of strong evidence towards the Mayor’s thesis that Tyra is trying to recreate her glory days on the Fresh Prince, Nijah broke out a strictly okay Carlton dance during a truth or dare session. Unfortunately, Nijah the Mayor or myself will remember this future T.J. Maxx model for anything else.
The Mayor: Of course she went home. She had a waaaay better weave than Princess TyTy, so it was only a matter of time before Tyra gave her the boot.

Aminat
Ty from Tyland: By far the most personable, by far the best name and in my mind, by far the best photo of the week. The angles of her face as accentuated by the strong glasses and her excellent body control should have been enough to warrant a framed photo. Is Kris Kristofferson lurking in the shadows under Tyra’s ass?
The Mayor: Lense-less glasses are the bain of my existence. Ugh, like, why? Could you be more of a hipster turd? Please throw some more spandex and head-bands and Reebok jazzercise sneakers on yourself and call it a day, capeishe?

Fo Freckles
Ty from Tyland: Fantastic photo. Perhaps is was her Lisa hair being hid beneath some sort of geisha up do but she seemed much less Blacxican and much more Asian in this shot. Fo looks to be the distinct product of at least three different races. Is she a Blacasican?
The Mayor: For the record, I think it's Cablinasian. Can someone call up Rosario Dawson and ask?

London
Ty from Tyland: Theoretical question: if one testicle is damaged from a bicycle seat accident, shrivels up from lack of use and becomes clearly less normal and certainly less aesthetically pleasing yet is still attached to the fully functional other half of the scrot, is the whole sack worthless or should merit be doled out to the undamaged ball for carrying the sperm producing load?
The Mayor: Are we talking about Tom Green? Because if so, then the answer is Yes. What? Exactly.

Allison
Ty from Tyland: She needs to stay if only to allow Miss J. to continue to do his impression of her. I would love to see how exactly Nigel proposes she migrate away from her ‘eyes opened and turned to the camera look.’ It’s like telling Salma Hayek that she needs to give us something more than voluptuous.
The Mayor: I would personally like the FBI to investigate where Allison sleeps, because I have a feeling it's in Omri's locked cupboard. Homegirl is a Blythe doll!

NEXT WEEK ON ANTM...

Ty from Tyland: Judging from the completely confusing preview, next week’s episode features Benny Ninja, a bunch of gay men and Allison being railroaded off the show by her grandmother Celia. I’m looking forward to two out of three, and yes Mr. Loaf, that ain’t bad.

The Mayor: Celia is stiring up shit! She must be irritated that the ANTM producers couldn't locate a Walgreens that stocks her favourite flavour of Polident. Benny Ninja took a break from haunting my nightmares to scare the living crap out of a group of Queeny McQueens. Who the hell was that one guy they zoomed in on, Boy George?? Wait! I think it might have been James St. James! SWOON! I love me some makeup-wearing queers. Jokes, I love James St. James because he introduced me to the most amazing memoir ever: Party Monster. I really hope it's him next week, cause he is FLAMEY with a capitol F; he makes Miss J look like Jack Nicholson.

3.18.2009

Because it's Wednesday...

...and I'm lazy (shocker, I know) but here is my favourite video of the week (hell, of the month). In case you need help understanding what's going on, we have a pet turtle who is trying to get romantic with a sneaker and his invasive, peeping-tom owners won't leave his horny ass alone for 5 minutes. I'd say this video is NSFW, but really? If teenage mutant ninja peen is enough to get you fired, then you may need to reconsider what kind of day-job you have.

*Note: You NEED to watch this with the sound on. Watching it in silence is beyond creepy, but listening to his little squeals and sighs and hearing his owners snickering is too much fun. It really does elevate the video from weird clip of a turtle fucking a shoe to adorable widdle shelled baby squealing and twying so hard to have sex wif a shoe.

*Note x2: Get that turtle a lady-turtle, stat!

3.16.2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Quite often I mention that I come from a Polish family. Well, that's only half true; while my Father's family is 100% Pure Polack, my Mother is an amalgam of a few different countries. A bit of German, a snick of British, some Irish. So it's around this time of year when my heart swells, I feel the need to whack some snakes, and my thirst for booze becomes insatiable. I celebrate in the usual ways: I always wear green (I don't want to get Leprechaun-bit), I drink a green beer (or 5), and I always like to make something sweet and green. This year I celebrated by making Limeprechaun Cupcakes. Even St. Patrick's Day isn't safe from holiday-related puns! You may think that lime-flavoured cake would be disgusting, but believe me - it's very refreshing and sweet. I like to keep the flavour light by using real limes and none of that janky-ass fake flavouring or shit that comes in a plastic fruit-shaped bottle. Also, by omitting vanilla, you have a citrus-base that doesn't compete with the strength of vanilla.

Limeprechaun Cupcakes1 package white cake mix
Eggs
Oil (I like safflower, but canola works nicely too)
3 fat limes
Prepare the cake as directed on the back. Typically it's 2-3 eggs, 1/3 cup of oil, 1/3 cup water, but I replace the water the the juice from the limes. Squeeze out as much as you can get from the limes and add enough water till you get the correct measurement.
Bake as directed.
Use adorable paper liners. I have chosen clover printed ones courtesy of my Mother.

1/4 stick of room-temperature butter
1 cup icing sugar
1-2 tbsp milk
The zest from 3 fat limes
Whip the butter and slowly add the powdered sugar. Once the mixture begins to form a paste, slowly add the milk (bit by bit). Once your buttercream has come together, add the lime zest. Spread over cooled cakes and add any flare you might like. I made hearts out of fondant, but you could also use green Skittles, sprinkles, rolled-up dollar bills, whatever you have lying around.

Now go get drunk on green beer! Scoot! Get outta here!

Things you need to know about the Watchmen movie.

This weekend I finally went to see Watchmen. I say finally because I was in Florida when it first came out and I've had a very itchy trigger finger since last Friday. By now, I'm sure you've been bombarded with Watchmen propaganda. Even if a month ago you knew nothing about the graphic novel, the story, the movie, etc etc, but now I'm sure you know the basics. When I told my roomate that I had gone to see it, she asked if it was "that animated superhero movie". Not bad considering she thought 30 Rock was TV-Nerd jargon for 3rd Rock from the Sun. I can't even try to pretend that I'm not a massive nerd when it comes to Watchmen; I read the graphic novel (amazing!) and have been tracking the film's progress since 2007. I waited with baited breath to find out who had been cast as what and eagerly anticipated the next 10-second trailer.

But then I saw the movie and...it wasn't that great. I mean, don't get me wrong; Watchmen has been called unfilmable for years, and they did do a decent job. But it didn't blow me away (which The Dark Knight did, funny enough. There was a superhero movie I had little expectations for, and it was incredible). So here are a few points of interest in regards to the Watchmen film.

1. Holy shit, it's 3 fucking hours long. My ass was all kinds of asleep by the time the credits started to roll. I really think that they could have split this into 2 movies and made twice as much profit and made about a million less asses numb.

2. Billy Crudup is naked for about 90% of the movie. Except it's not really him, it's more of a CGI'd-to-Hell-and-Back version of him. But you do see his wang.Imagine one of these guys painted bright blue. Now imagine it's swinging around on a 30-ft tall screen for 3 hours. You can see how that might be distracting, non?

3. Got'dayum, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is fine. I always used to confuse him with my future husband Javier Bardem, but not anymore. He's not just a handsome face; he's amazing in Watchmen.

4. Speaking of amazing, Jackie Earle Haley is so effing tough in Watchmen. He plays Rorschach, which is pronounced like ROAR-zack. I have a handy way to remember the pronunciation; think of Zack Morris.

5. Right smack-dab in the middle of the film there is an incredibly porn-y sex scene involving Malin Akerman (Silk Spectre) and Patrick Wilson (Nite Owl). So if you're thinking about going to see this movie with your parents or kids, you might want to reconsider. Like, when I say it's porn-y, I mean it makes sex look like a church.Patrick Wilson better watch it, or he's going to become the Hollywood go-to manwhore. I feel like every movie I've seen him in, he's just killing time till he gets to drop trou and bust a nut (I'm classy!). But come to think of it, I've only really seen him in Watchmen and Little Children, so unless his next film is a teen sex comedy called School of Hard Weiners, I suppose my theory doesn't have legs to stand on.

3.11.2009

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 1 Re-cap!

Good morning, all! You know what tonight is...Episode 2 of Cycle 12 of ANTM. Last week there wasn't an innagural post because I was in Florida, but you didn't think I'd forget about you all together, did you? As promised, this Cycle I will be writing up next-day updates with noneother than Ty from Tyland.

But he went ahead and summed up last weeks episode anyways! Good for him, always showing the initiate! Anyways, go ahead and read what he thought about the Dirty Dozen Dogs Walking on Their Hind Legs. I have no comment; I watched last week's episode, but was so bored with it and just ended up reading through the archives at Cute Overload. In the meantime, we need to think of a nickname for Ty! So far, I like T-Boner, Tube-Top, Ty Sextrade Worker, Pad Ty (Groan! Way to lead in with a Dad Joke!) and my personal favourite Ty Did He Decide to Contribute to a Shitty Blog like Skip-Raid? Leave your suggestions in the comments! See you tomorry! From here on out, it's Ty's writing, and not mine (which will be very obvious about 6 words in).

Despite my position as a disseminator of curriculum and an implied (but not reveled) role model, I actively partake in thoughts that are neither admirable nor generally acceptable as anything more than despicably inappropriate. As I enjoyed my monocle meal this evening (Planters Peanuts disguised as dinner), I gave birth to way too many of these unsuitable notions to be chalked up to just another night marking papers and weighing the importance of my life. America’s Next Top Model is to blame for planting the dangerously harsh and unfeeling thoughts that are now weighing on my conscious like the amount of food that should have been consumed by the aspiring ‘you know I wasn’t always a shampoo girl at the salon in the mall…’ candidates during their first week on the 12th cycle of my favourite excuse to watch multiple girls in their pajamas discuss their insecurities. These concerning waves of thought included but were not limited to: curiosity over how Laserquest allowed one of their gaming uniforms to be stolen by a silver haired man on a bike, questioning how ‘Ghetto’ one can be in Buffalo New York, hoping for a seizure for pure entertainment, wondering how easy it must be to change the number 63 to 25 in the age category on an application and trying to ascertain how many toes I will have firmly planted in Hades if I bring in massive burn scars as either a negative aesthetic quality, or as I have so cleverly just done, as a piece of witty humor. Deciding on the final 13 must have been as easy as looking at a crowd of aspiring models and picking out the giant ginger with teeth like a Grade Nine science notebook left outside in the sun until picked up after earning a doctorate. Monique, with her Despereaux ears, was almost as obviously unworthy as the Port Authority ‘tude and Rucker Park rim sized earrings of Angelea. The well placed shoulder bump from Sandra was a suitable goodbye to a girl that if she was 5’6 would have been inspiring to play Gina’s sassy friend Pamela in a Martin remake instead becoming a Top Model. Beyond the poise and professionalism of Aminat, who is my clear cut winner to take home the coveted career killing title at this point, the impromptu runway show proved little beyond Sandra’s stupidity and Allison’s ability to force at least 60% of an audience to question what percentage of her genes were directly lifted from a bush baby (the nocturnal monkey thing, not the date rape targets Jenna and Barbara). If the photo shoot inspired recovered pedophiles from across North America to get back in the saddle (or dirty brown Buick) then it had a stronger affect on that untapped focus group than what I received. Although Tyra’s tirade on the loss of innocence seems more than a touch hypocritical when portrayed by 18 year old girls that are using their bodies to sell clothing for billionaire designers, my major complaint is directed towards the boring set and resulting sub-par photos more so than any deeper conceptual concerns. Nonetheless, my individual thoughts are as follows and to follow tradition, they are listed in order of perceived excellence:

Allison Baby – if this blood obsessed gothic porcelain doll looking thing is the best that Tyra and company can do than someone needs to shut this thing down and put this girl in a museum.

Fo Freckles – it’s amazing how a Blacxican can appear so clear skinned, enthusiastic and innocent with a little bit of makeup. What’s more amazing is that this transformation occurred without any Fried Chicken or undefended American borders used as motivation.

Wind Tunnel – When your hairline starts on the top of your scalp, modeling should be further down the list of things to do than a) get plugs and b) hide under large rock.

London – Jesus gave you those hips to make babies with, not to use as an accessory to reprehensible headbands on TV – shame

Celia – The shadows cast from the iron jaw of this old woman could conceal an army of makeup artists, none of which would be able to hide the fact that she could have grandchildren old enough to know that she’s so washed out that even eye shadow as dark as Sandra wouldn’t help her look like anything other than a wrinkled ghost.

Nijah – The easiest way out of this forgettable yet pleasant situation is with an excellent dad joke: ‘Nijah of the two J.s will remember you when they put their make-up on tomorrow’

Korntie – Although I could make more than one passable joke concerning things / intelligence that either she or her ex-boyfriend / redneck hero Dale Earnhardt Jr. lost in her cavernous cleavage I will instead focus on the strange contours of Kortnie’s nose, as that’s what married men will be trying to stare at as their wives watch every dart of their pupils.

Scrunchy Face – Her last name is Pack. Clearly, there is a connection as it looks as if her features were the last three pairs of socks that just wouldn’t fit in the suitcase of her head without a lot of pushing and prodding.

Aminat – Although I still haven’t figured out the proper pronunciation of her name, the 6’5 (with fro and heels) A-something has impressed me. Her photo was a little heavy on the oh so sexy under chin area, but her length and poise will carry her to the top with a speed to rival the big legged claymation RBC character (Canadiana Reference).

Tahlia – I have yet to settle on the amount of tact to apply to her burn scars. What I am sure of though, is that her hair looks as if it were harvested from Gene Simmons’ armpits.

Jessica – Her flawless skin, strong features and great posture won’t save the Puerto Rican from the curse of the ‘she relies on being pretty’ curse

Sandra – The bone above her eye is gorgeous.

Miss J. is lacking an elimination gimmick - I suggest that for every elimination he brings his bowl cut up an inch until the end to the cycle.

3.10.2009

What I Missed About Canada (aka Cultural Comparison Time!!!)

Well, my time in Lower Canada has sadly come to an end. As I write this at my desk, the sky outside is a dismal gray, I'm back to wearing tights with my skirts, and I'm stuck eating raspberry yogurt (and not Raspberry White Chocolate Cheesecake yogurt). Shit is bleak here. I love that word; bleak. And that's what it is here in Canada. Gone are the days of passing out in the sunshine. Never again will I roam Target for hours, picking up $20 dress after $20 dress. Le Sigh. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. But it's not all bad, people. There are a few things that I am so glad to return home to that it almost makes it worthwhile.

1. I missed CBC Radio 1 SO SO MUCH. Oh my god, I didn't realize how much of a Canadian Radio Nerd I was until I got back and the first thing I did was throw on my radio to 99.1 and sit on my bed. Metro Morning, Randy Bachman's Vinyl Tap, Q, Vinyl Cafe, Quirks and Quarks...they're all back!

2. I thought I could live without Liberté's Coconut yogurt. I was wrong. You know what, actually, all the Liberté family of products is delicious.

3. I missed the TTC. I missed being able to get up in the morning and go wherever I wanted to go. I missed the surly drivers, the angry passengers, the asshole with a crying baby.

4. I can't believe I'm saying this. This is truly shamefull. I actually missed Tim Horton's. I tried Dunkin' Donuts while I was in the US and, quite frankly, they weren't anywhere near as good as Tims. Ew!!! Tim Hortons is so Canadiana-hick-salt of the earth-I love drinkin' a double-double in tha mornin' but I really, truly missed it! Bless you, sugary donuts!!

In conclusion, I suppose I'm glad to be home. I miss the US already, but I'll manage; I'm sure I'll be back soon. To cheer me up (and you too, if you need cheering) here is an amazing video of a group of adorable Filipino kids putting Ben'yonce to shame. Enjoy! See you tomorrow for a Very Special ANTM Recap. Peace out!

3.07.2009

Dropping your Gs at the Flea Market

I think one of the reasons I love David Sedaris so much is because my life has seemed to mirror his. We were both born into families with WASP-y mothers and European fathers, both our Uiversity Degrees are gathering a thick layer of dust on a seldom-used shelf, both of us have younger sisters who are also talented. But the one thing that I always feel good about is that both Sedaris and myself lived in relative normalcy till our parents moved us to a more (how shall I put this gently...) redneck town at an age when it's difficult to adjust to a new environment. I really hate thinking snobby thoughts, and I never pretend I'm better than anyone else, but I found it gently comforting when the hicks used to make fun of me every day at school and call me city kid. I always thought Good. Don't lump me in with you. Yes, keep pelting me with sneakers - I love it! Anything to remind me that I'm not one of your kind. Regardless of how much I tried to differentiate myself from all the yokels and hillbillies, I really did absorb some of their particularly repulsive habits. On a good day, I'm just plain old The Mayor; easily passing for someone who was born and raised no more than 10 minutes from the CN Tower. But on any given Saturday morning, if I'm within 10 feet of a dusty heap of crap marked Anything on this here blanket is $2 and I'm dropping all the Gs from my ings and casually throwing around Y'alls and Caints (can't).

In my Grandparent's area of Florida, there is a massive Flea Market called the Wagon Wheel. There's also the Mustang and the Red Barn, but my Papa is a Flea Market connoisseur, and has educated me on the Wagon Wheel's superiority over the others. I love Flea Markets; I purposely take in $20 with me so that I can haggle down the vendors. It's a fun challenge, and it makes me feel like I truly have an important part in my purchase. Also, I wasn't in the building 30 minutes before I asked someone "how much are y'alls sellin' this here purse fer?" Shudder! The only thing missing was a baby in my belly and a beer in my hand. Despite me turning into a full-blown, These Colors Don't Run, 'Merican, I managed to make it out alive. So let's take a look at some of the highs and lows, shall we?

Many times I have sat in my living room and thought You know...I don't have nearly enough prints of dead entertainers.

A few Christmasses back, I bought my cousin a vintage WWF glass from a Flea Market. I can't remember who was on it; maybe Mr. Wonderful or Macho Man Randy Savage. But the glass itself was gorgeous - the colours were lightly faded and the typography was so retro. Anyways, this guy was selling a bunch of gas-station glasses too, but I knew they would never make it home on the plane

This vendor was selling body jewelry and piercing stuff. Okay, let me set one thing straight. I have performed my own at-home surgery, I have taken grossly-expired medication, I have eaten food that I have known to be completely spoiled. But I would never, NEVER, get piercing done by someone who purchases their supplies at the Wagon Wheel Flea Market. The picture above shows a sampling of rings (Bellybutton? Penis?) along with Cinderella and her Fairy Godmother. What these two have in common, I'll never know. Although they did have this image next to it, which would explain the level of eye-rolling we're dealing with:
Yep. That says Pierced Pussy. And you thought I was raised in the garbage! These guys made me look like Church.

Who would own this? Oh yeah, Wops. Can someone explain to me who is in this poster? I get Goodfellas on the upper-right, and The Sopranos in the middle. Scarface has us covered from top to bottom. But who are the rest? It isn't The Godfather, so I dunno. Ugh, none of this makes sense.

Fake COACH bags are a big deal down here, which is so bizarre because the real ones are often just $50 more and don't look like they were sewn by Ray Charles (Yes. I'm alluding to the fact that the quality of the goods are on par with those crafted by a blind corpse). There is a word for me: Class Act.

DALE! Where Mexicans hang pictures of Christ in their homes, Rednecks hang pictures of #8 himself, Dale Earnhardt.

Do you wonder why you don't see any Jack LaLaine juicers on this rug? THAT IS BECAUSE JACK LALAINE MAKES A QUALITY PRODUCT! Don't believe me - watch his infomercials and see for yourself.

I bought this mug for several reasons. The first being it was a steal at $2; everybody loves a deal, am I right or am I right? The second is that this mug was made by Fire King, which any bakers out there know means that this thing will survive Hiroshima and still look brand-new. The third is: how charming is that sun?? I want to drink coffee out of him every morning!

This painting seemed like something my sister would buy. I couldn't take it on the plane with me, so this is the best I can do.

I did buy these little pretties, though. They're porcelain and you hang them on the wall, and there's a spot in the top where you can put fake or real flowers (like a wall vase). They were $5 and I asked the guy to go down to $3. He said no. I don't blame him, I got greedy. I should have led-in with a solid $4. I bought them anyways.

Dear 8lb 6oz newborn Baby Jesus - will you please kill this phrase already?

An alligator urinating on a Native American.
You stay classy, Florida!

I tried so hard to take a picture of this woman's miraculous hair, but she kept swinging her head around. Pfft, typical meth jitters. But I love the look on her son's face behind her; it's like he's going "Lookee Ma! Thut girl's got a cay'mrah!"

It's George Michael Bluth as Juno's boyfriend as a cow.

RU-FI-OOOOOOOO....s Mom.

This one's for Tina T. Ironically enough, they weren't playing ICP in the car (it was Rob Zombie).

3.06.2009

We Went to the Boardwalk!

Tonight we went to the most tourist-y spot on the beach, the Boardwalk. It's really nothing more than a handfull of stores that sell wacky beach tchotchkies and rebel flag muscle shirts. I'm not even going to bore you with an introduction; I'd rather just get right to the amazing crap I found!

In case you can't tell, this is a vignette of 4 shells playing cards. Who wouldn't want to own this??!?

I'm a little more than scared of hand puppets (they bother me) so I didn't venture into Grandma and Grandpa's, but trust - I thought about it. If that sign is any indication, those puppets are TIGHT.

Guh, I don't get it, but everything in Florida is all it's 5 O'Clock somewhere!! Yeah, that maybe true, but it doesn't mean I should start drinking at 10am. Aw, just kidding! Y'all know I live by the 5 O'Clock somewhere rule.

This is toad-ally lame (so was that pun).

There was a lot of tiki-themed stuff, which is sick, cause I love tiki. But...isn't the tiki aesthetic more akin to Hawaii? Just checking. I wanted one of these, but instead I bought...

Hells yes, how cute are these? I bought one to put change in. Or maybe I'll use it for toenail clippings. Who knows, we'll see when I take it home.

I don't get who would buy a fetal shark. But I do know this; I'm sure he's handsome and well-adjusted and definitely not a virgin.

Sun Your Buns? Um, but her buns are the only thing that won't get sun. Pfft, sunrise-sunset, I suppose. It's still an adorable ashtray.

Rest your ash? That's a toad-ally crappy pun.

Okay, you've all seen those t-shirt/bathing suit cover-ups for women where the front is a sexy bikini model (and they're usually worn by land-manatees)? This is the same thing for babies and children - they had tons. Kid looks like a mermaid, kid looks like a t-rex. But OH DEAR GOD what is this kid doing to that dolphin?!??! It can't be enjoyable - that dolphin looks like he's suffering a serious trauma!

"Oooh, well if it isn't my Grandsons! Gamgam is back from Florida and has a present for you both! I wasn't sure what to get you, but I just thought these mugs were perfect! Jackson, come her and sit on Gamgam's knee...you've gotten soBRANDON! Get out of my purse! Don't touch that! That candy is for Jackson, not you!"

Ooooohhkaye. You can buy Christmas Tree Ornaments to commemorate your dead dog. Wait...wasn't this from Coraline? How meta!

"Ras Trent! Ba-da-da-da-ding-ding-ding-whooaho. Last week I read a book about Selassie I. Then told my bomboclat parents I was switching religions."
*Note: this was a child's shirt. Sure, why not. I hear that Rastafarianism is very big in the K-8 crowd. Check your local daycare and note how many Bob Marley puzzles are on the floor.

...and finally, we have beach towels with nuts. Can someone explain why having massive nuts is a big deal to a guy? Don't get me wrong - I don't want a man with a set of raisins, but I don't need grapefruits. Also please note; they placed these towels next to the Scarface towels. Don't want to make the Guidos walk too far!

After the tchotchkies, we went to see the boats bring in fish from the gulf. It's pretty awesome; they gut them right there and throw the heads to the pelicans. Got-dayum, pelicans love guts!

Look at this guy! He's got the fear! PS - I was close enough for him to bite my face off.