ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 1 Re-cap!

Good morning, all! You know what tonight is...Episode 2 of Cycle 12 of ANTM. Last week there wasn't an innagural post because I was in Florida, but you didn't think I'd forget about you all together, did you? As promised, this Cycle I will be writing up next-day updates with noneother than Ty from Tyland.

But he went ahead and summed up last weeks episode anyways! Good for him, always showing the initiate! Anyways, go ahead and read what he thought about the Dirty Dozen Dogs Walking on Their Hind Legs. I have no comment; I watched last week's episode, but was so bored with it and just ended up reading through the archives at Cute Overload. In the meantime, we need to think of a nickname for Ty! So far, I like T-Boner, Tube-Top, Ty Sextrade Worker, Pad Ty (Groan! Way to lead in with a Dad Joke!) and my personal favourite Ty Did He Decide to Contribute to a Shitty Blog like Skip-Raid? Leave your suggestions in the comments! See you tomorry! From here on out, it's Ty's writing, and not mine (which will be very obvious about 6 words in).

Despite my position as a disseminator of curriculum and an implied (but not reveled) role model, I actively partake in thoughts that are neither admirable nor generally acceptable as anything more than despicably inappropriate. As I enjoyed my monocle meal this evening (Planters Peanuts disguised as dinner), I gave birth to way too many of these unsuitable notions to be chalked up to just another night marking papers and weighing the importance of my life. America’s Next Top Model is to blame for planting the dangerously harsh and unfeeling thoughts that are now weighing on my conscious like the amount of food that should have been consumed by the aspiring ‘you know I wasn’t always a shampoo girl at the salon in the mall…’ candidates during their first week on the 12th cycle of my favourite excuse to watch multiple girls in their pajamas discuss their insecurities. These concerning waves of thought included but were not limited to: curiosity over how Laserquest allowed one of their gaming uniforms to be stolen by a silver haired man on a bike, questioning how ‘Ghetto’ one can be in Buffalo New York, hoping for a seizure for pure entertainment, wondering how easy it must be to change the number 63 to 25 in the age category on an application and trying to ascertain how many toes I will have firmly planted in Hades if I bring in massive burn scars as either a negative aesthetic quality, or as I have so cleverly just done, as a piece of witty humor. Deciding on the final 13 must have been as easy as looking at a crowd of aspiring models and picking out the giant ginger with teeth like a Grade Nine science notebook left outside in the sun until picked up after earning a doctorate. Monique, with her Despereaux ears, was almost as obviously unworthy as the Port Authority ‘tude and Rucker Park rim sized earrings of Angelea. The well placed shoulder bump from Sandra was a suitable goodbye to a girl that if she was 5’6 would have been inspiring to play Gina’s sassy friend Pamela in a Martin remake instead becoming a Top Model. Beyond the poise and professionalism of Aminat, who is my clear cut winner to take home the coveted career killing title at this point, the impromptu runway show proved little beyond Sandra’s stupidity and Allison’s ability to force at least 60% of an audience to question what percentage of her genes were directly lifted from a bush baby (the nocturnal monkey thing, not the date rape targets Jenna and Barbara). If the photo shoot inspired recovered pedophiles from across North America to get back in the saddle (or dirty brown Buick) then it had a stronger affect on that untapped focus group than what I received. Although Tyra’s tirade on the loss of innocence seems more than a touch hypocritical when portrayed by 18 year old girls that are using their bodies to sell clothing for billionaire designers, my major complaint is directed towards the boring set and resulting sub-par photos more so than any deeper conceptual concerns. Nonetheless, my individual thoughts are as follows and to follow tradition, they are listed in order of perceived excellence:

Allison Baby – if this blood obsessed gothic porcelain doll looking thing is the best that Tyra and company can do than someone needs to shut this thing down and put this girl in a museum.

Fo Freckles – it’s amazing how a Blacxican can appear so clear skinned, enthusiastic and innocent with a little bit of makeup. What’s more amazing is that this transformation occurred without any Fried Chicken or undefended American borders used as motivation.

Wind Tunnel – When your hairline starts on the top of your scalp, modeling should be further down the list of things to do than a) get plugs and b) hide under large rock.

London – Jesus gave you those hips to make babies with, not to use as an accessory to reprehensible headbands on TV – shame

Celia – The shadows cast from the iron jaw of this old woman could conceal an army of makeup artists, none of which would be able to hide the fact that she could have grandchildren old enough to know that she’s so washed out that even eye shadow as dark as Sandra wouldn’t help her look like anything other than a wrinkled ghost.

Nijah – The easiest way out of this forgettable yet pleasant situation is with an excellent dad joke: ‘Nijah of the two J.s will remember you when they put their make-up on tomorrow’

Korntie – Although I could make more than one passable joke concerning things / intelligence that either she or her ex-boyfriend / redneck hero Dale Earnhardt Jr. lost in her cavernous cleavage I will instead focus on the strange contours of Kortnie’s nose, as that’s what married men will be trying to stare at as their wives watch every dart of their pupils.

Scrunchy Face – Her last name is Pack. Clearly, there is a connection as it looks as if her features were the last three pairs of socks that just wouldn’t fit in the suitcase of her head without a lot of pushing and prodding.

Aminat – Although I still haven’t figured out the proper pronunciation of her name, the 6’5 (with fro and heels) A-something has impressed me. Her photo was a little heavy on the oh so sexy under chin area, but her length and poise will carry her to the top with a speed to rival the big legged claymation RBC character (Canadiana Reference).

Tahlia – I have yet to settle on the amount of tact to apply to her burn scars. What I am sure of though, is that her hair looks as if it were harvested from Gene Simmons’ armpits.

Jessica – Her flawless skin, strong features and great posture won’t save the Puerto Rican from the curse of the ‘she relies on being pretty’ curse

Sandra – The bone above her eye is gorgeous.

Miss J. is lacking an elimination gimmick - I suggest that for every elimination he brings his bowl cut up an inch until the end to the cycle.


ty said...

I apologize for the grammatical issues....there are many now that I read this...but I suppose you would have to read the whole thing to get to them...enjoy.

The Mayor said...

Are you kidding me?? Have you READ what I write? I'm almost sure that if some CSI/FBI crime lab were to attempt to decipher my age based on my writing, they would come up with something like "a very smart 6-year-old, or a Highschool Dropout".

It's perfect - don't worry about it. And I did read the whole thing, and noticed a few, but it was more like "meh...passable"

alex davey illustrations said...

Where are the pictures?
ANTM posts are -sorry- boring without pictures.

Anonymous said...

Ty nickname suggestion - TyRant