3.19.2009

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 3: She Doesn't Walk...She Floats

The Mayor: Ah, such poetic words from immortal Celia; I couldn't have worded it any better myself. Miss J does float, doesn't he? (Sorry Celia, but he's still a man - so no, he isn't a she).

Ty from Tyland: It is imperative to sustainability of my enjoyably fresh career as a television analyst that I clearly elucidate my strong belief in the relative purity of my own soul before I level some much overdue and to me, quite obvious criticism. Unlike Sandra, I am not the undead and unlike Allison, I don’t have parents from two distinctly different species (one of which is mythological). I have also never committed a crime heinous enough to garner a stern talking to from Judith Sheindlin or been so effing drunk / American to require Maury to tell me which of my ‘friends’ that I sometimes invite over at 3am to talk with and watch the Magic Bullet popped out a kid that I fathered and subsequently ignored. With that all out in the open like a Tom Hanks chest lesion, I should probably mention that yes, I am guilty for dumping / not calling back female companions for carrying a few extra orders of Fries Supreme in the baby basket and although my weight based criticism that follows is as impartial as Sutan judging a most misshapen areola contest, there is a particular reason that a straight man has latched himself onto this programme and it has very little to do with fashion. Preamble: end. Burny is too fat.The Mayor: …and with that, I just finished a Nachos Supreme and a Burrito Bel Grande. If eating copious amounts of sodium, pintos, and cheese is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. Speaking of why we watch, I’m the opposite end of the spectrum. I watch it for the fashion. KIDDING! Like I give a shit about that hack Jil Stuart. Speaking of which, that runway show was lazy at best.Celia looked like she was holding bags of crap and London looked like she just hopped off the special bus on her first day of school (Okay class, get out your circle of paper and a safety pencil). You know what wasn’t an utter disappointment? CHARM SCHOOL!! And it wouldn’t be ANTM without bringing back some old hags to fill the void left by the girl’s blank stares. Cycle 9’s Bianca and Chantal took some time out from their busy burger-flipping schedule to come and teach the girls how to avoid success.

Ty from Tyland: With the fantasticalness of Chantal and a slimmer / more coked out Bianca from Cycle 9 as damning contrast, it was clear that Burny’s unconfident just going to the drug store to buy some more Rejuveness walk was probably a result of the cringe inducing sound of her thighs rubbing together rather than feeling like a telethon guest for the children’s burn ward. It was surprising that when Charm School was in session Miss J. could find one of those awful Old Navy outfits that would fit her. Scrunchy face was right, Burny did have the worst photo from Week Two. What was she supposed to say? Every one of those bitches would have jumped all over her for pointing them out. Truth hurts – but probably not as bad as boiling hot…

The Mayor: Not to interrupt disgrossting imagery...but can I just say this? What was up with Tyra's shirt at judging? She looked like Red Skelton doing Freddy the Freeloader. I was expecting at any moment for her to rub charcoal on her face and say "Whoops, I dropped my bindle! Does anyone have $0.30 for a sandwich?"I love that Tyra can smile with her eyes, and Miss J can cut a bitch with his.

Ty from Tyland: Again, in order of perceived excellence:

Noxeema Jackson
Ty from Tyland: "You either smoke, or you get smoked. And, you got smoked." – so true. Now if you could only teach the Woody Harrelson-esque rest of the models to jump, we’d see a much better end to the cycle and possibly a Rosie Perez sighting. Did anyone notice that the final edit of this episode included barely a word from Sandra? Is that why I enjoyed this week more or was I so caught up in reliving Snipes snippets that Paula could have shown her worth and I wouldn’t have noticed?
The Mayor: Sandra is lame and I don't like her. SORRY!

Celia
Ty from Tyland: The winner of the most shocking moment of the episode. How can she not know babies? Hold them up by the leg? Is that how you raised your first son Regis Philbin? No wonder his head turned out to be so big – all the blood much have rushed there.
The Mayor: "Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft".

Scrunchy Face
Ty from Tyland: If her upward swing from the first half of the episode had allowed her head to continue to expand and her confidence hadn’t been so brutally squelched by the horrendous tourist photo, would she have focused the ego swelling energy to her features and turned herself into a regular looking person?
The Mayor: DO NOT WANT!!! I can't stands Natalie.

Wind Tunnel
Ty from Tyland: The remake-over didn’t change the fact that her hairline is as curious as Jeremy Piven’s. Where does it begin? Just as I was curious as to why bangs weren’t employed during the first go round, I’m equally perplexed as to why someone with a Seabiscuit jaw and set of teefs was given a distinguishable ‘mane.’ Giddy-up - next stop, the bottom two.
The Mayor: They should have gotten her new weave from the grocery store bag-boy. Paper or plastic, it don't matter just as long as it covers up that mug.

Little Burny Foo Foo
Ty from Tyland: What amazes me the most about my rant above is that at no point did I make the quip that I had so looked forward to sliding in like a drunken frat boy to a roofied sophmore – ‘Walking with bags? Looks like Tahlia’s got a serious advantage for this runway challenge.’
The Mayor: When Tahlia hoovering that Ben & Jerry's during their game of Truth or Dare, I actually yelled out "Stop it! This is why designers don’t want to put you in a bathing suit!!" To quote the ever-useful, fully-quotable Wayne's World: Burnvictimwhoeatsherfeelings says what? Exactly.

Kortnie
Ty from Tyland: Somewhere in the deep south, after a sixer of Old Milwaukee and a few microwavable burritos, a poor autoworker named Randy lost his well laboured boner after seeing the mess that was Kortnie’s photo.
The Mayor: See, I like to imagine Kortnie's type is more like this:Nijah
Ty from Tyland:In another bit of strong evidence towards the Mayor’s thesis that Tyra is trying to recreate her glory days on the Fresh Prince, Nijah broke out a strictly okay Carlton dance during a truth or dare session. Unfortunately, Nijah the Mayor or myself will remember this future T.J. Maxx model for anything else.
The Mayor: Of course she went home. She had a waaaay better weave than Princess TyTy, so it was only a matter of time before Tyra gave her the boot.

Aminat
Ty from Tyland: By far the most personable, by far the best name and in my mind, by far the best photo of the week. The angles of her face as accentuated by the strong glasses and her excellent body control should have been enough to warrant a framed photo. Is Kris Kristofferson lurking in the shadows under Tyra’s ass?
The Mayor: Lense-less glasses are the bain of my existence. Ugh, like, why? Could you be more of a hipster turd? Please throw some more spandex and head-bands and Reebok jazzercise sneakers on yourself and call it a day, capeishe?

Fo Freckles
Ty from Tyland: Fantastic photo. Perhaps is was her Lisa hair being hid beneath some sort of geisha up do but she seemed much less Blacxican and much more Asian in this shot. Fo looks to be the distinct product of at least three different races. Is she a Blacasican?
The Mayor: For the record, I think it's Cablinasian. Can someone call up Rosario Dawson and ask?

London
Ty from Tyland: Theoretical question: if one testicle is damaged from a bicycle seat accident, shrivels up from lack of use and becomes clearly less normal and certainly less aesthetically pleasing yet is still attached to the fully functional other half of the scrot, is the whole sack worthless or should merit be doled out to the undamaged ball for carrying the sperm producing load?
The Mayor: Are we talking about Tom Green? Because if so, then the answer is Yes. What? Exactly.

Allison
Ty from Tyland: She needs to stay if only to allow Miss J. to continue to do his impression of her. I would love to see how exactly Nigel proposes she migrate away from her ‘eyes opened and turned to the camera look.’ It’s like telling Salma Hayek that she needs to give us something more than voluptuous.
The Mayor: I would personally like the FBI to investigate where Allison sleeps, because I have a feeling it's in Omri's locked cupboard. Homegirl is a Blythe doll!

NEXT WEEK ON ANTM...

Ty from Tyland: Judging from the completely confusing preview, next week’s episode features Benny Ninja, a bunch of gay men and Allison being railroaded off the show by her grandmother Celia. I’m looking forward to two out of three, and yes Mr. Loaf, that ain’t bad.

The Mayor: Celia is stiring up shit! She must be irritated that the ANTM producers couldn't locate a Walgreens that stocks her favourite flavour of Polident. Benny Ninja took a break from haunting my nightmares to scare the living crap out of a group of Queeny McQueens. Who the hell was that one guy they zoomed in on, Boy George?? Wait! I think it might have been James St. James! SWOON! I love me some makeup-wearing queers. Jokes, I love James St. James because he introduced me to the most amazing memoir ever: Party Monster. I really hope it's him next week, cause he is FLAMEY with a capitol F; he makes Miss J look like Jack Nicholson.

4 comments:

Jenn L said...

shorter.

Alice said...

I was having a shitty day - thanks for all the old lady, Wesley Snipes and McBurny jokes, they cheered me right up!

Yoki said...

As much as you bash that crazy Tyra shirt, I'm gonna be honest with you. I gotta have it. The tack, the bold, the craziness. Any idea what designer?/store?.

:D

Amanda said...

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