Florida, 1. The Mayor, 0.

Well, it was bound to happen. My second day in Florida was beautiful; the sun was shining and the waves were splashing and the birds were singing and bees were trying to have sex with them. So I decided to sit out and enjoy the sun. Next thing I know I'm waking up face-down on my beach towel with drool dried up all over my face. As it turns out, The Mayor + Sunshine = Seepy Times. I had passed out on the beach sometime around 12 noon and woke up shortly after 2pm. And no, smartass, I wasn't drunk - if anything I was a little wired from drinking a bottle of Vanilla Coke (which you can no longer buy in Canada. We used to have it for about a year when I was in High School - I bought a case and drank 24 Vanilla Cokes in 24 hours. I didn't even drink them cold; maybe about 1/2 of them made it to the fridge. Mmm, delicious. I could go for one right now).

I felt a little light-headed after my nap, so I came inside and made myself a sandwich and took a shower. Now, here's the thing about sunburns...they never really show up for about 5 hours, at which point they burst through your skin like the spiky baby from Alien. I am disgusting - everything is burnt. My ass, the back of my calves, the tops of my feet, one side of my face (I look like a female Harvey Dent, for christsakes) but my back really shows off my burn nicely. Well, as it turns out, I might have caught a titch of the sunstroke, because around 1:30am I woke up out of a sound sleep and barfed up everything I had eaten earlier. And when I say barfed up, I mean I literally didn't have to try. You know when you feel like you're about to be sick, and your stomach sends a message to your mouth saying "hey there fella. You deserve a break. Hows about you just open up a little and I'll make all the magic happen; you don't even have to try" and it's almost like you have a little barfing machine in your stomach that is just churning it all out? Like, you know when you get beer barf and you need to do those mouth exercises to make sure it all comes out (like shouting Woooah to really get some speed to it)? Not this time, my friends. It was like 3 minutes of continuous ejection. Have I said too much? Come on, it's not like I'm describing it in detail (there was a noticeable amount of potato skins).

But in case you've been keeping tabs on me, you should note this is the first time I have posted a picture of myself. Now you know the following about me:
a) I have blonde hair
b) I wear a 1-piece bathing suit to the beach
c) I'm not exactly hurting for a sandwich
So there you go - you get a decent post and a picture of me all in one morning. Ho-lee-chow, you are all some lucky sons of bitches. But seriously, can you all pray for me? I can barely walk with this sunburn - I no feely too good. My Nana has been just a peach; she sprays me down with Solarcane every 2 hours which is nice because it takes the sting out. Know what else takes the sting out? Vinegar. I smell like French Fries and I LOVE IT. I love the smell of vinegar, so I'm as happy as a pig in shit (well...you know...minus the fact that I have massively sore burns on me). Pray for The Mayor, people! I look like Willy Wonka is playing a cruel trick on me.


Alice said...

My red-headed friend fell asleep in the sun for like 6 hours when we were camping, when he woke up he had "lobster feet" they were so red and swollen he couldn't put any shoes on for weeks and had to walk around everywhere in, ugh, birkenstocks.
We still call him Lobster Feet.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm....Canadian back bacon!

ThomG said...

damn that looks painful. I will offer up a prayer to the Sun Gods momentarily.

fester said...

Did the barfing taste like alligator?
just askin

Anonymous said...

Vomitting is a side effect of overuse of solarcaine!!!

You'd be better to take tylenol for the pain and use a cool non- medicated aloe gel.

raych said...

My brother and I call those the 'yelling vomits,' where it's as though you're hollering, but instead of sound, pre-chewed is coming out.

Sarah J M said...

I heart you even more now. I mean, I always knew I loved me so Canadians (you are the second happiest of folks; mormons first), but you do nothing more than crack me the hell up. Gracias.

enildeR said...

FYI, the next time you run into a situation where you're out in the sun enough that you know it'll burn, take a high dosage of vitamin Bs. I bought a bottle that has 5,000mcg of B12 (like 83,000% of your daily) and a little bit of B6+folic per pill. Stuff works great in preventing the burn from getting real bad. Just make sure that it is methylcobalamin and _not_ cyanocobalamin.

I went rock climbing with a friend in Joshua Tree, CA. When I got back, I noticed that my neck and face were red, and the beginning of the burning sensation was starting to set it. So I took the B pill with two classes of water. It didn't burn for longer than that night, didn't peel, and the skin kept the tan.