"Fuck it...just make it taste like a dessert"

Hey friends! So I apologize for not posting earlier this morning, but I was terribly busy. Doing what, you ask? Uh...I was...aw fuck it, I was at Macy's (which I would love to call John Wayne Gacy's, but I'm with my Nana, so I don't think that's appropriate). Anyways, I've been cruising a lot of malls down here because it's so damn cold. Also I don't know if I mentioned, but I got quite a severe burn on my first day, so I can't exactly sit in the sun. But yeah, it's been unseasonably cold, so indoors I've been.

Other than malls, one door I've been darkening is that of Publix (or if you're my lewd sister, Pube-licks. She is disgusting. Truly classless). Sure, we go there for groceries and sunscreen and stuff, but I love going to take a look at all the American foods. If you're one of my Yankee readers, you need to understand something about Canada and US grocery stores; in Canada, we have lots of brands, not a lot of selection. Meaning, we might have 19 different cracker brands, and all the crackers taste the same (salted, unsalted, whole wheat). Or milk. We have at least 8 different milk brands, and 4 types (skim, 1%, 2%, whole). But in America, you have 1 or 2 brands of something, but they have a billion types of shit. You have like, 14 different kinds of I Can't Believe it's not Butter: original, low-cal, spray, low-sodium, creamy, chalky, thick, runny, X-tra yellow, mild flavour, For Kidz!, American Flavour, Patriot Flavour, Yankee Flavour, Southern Fried Flavour ET CETERA ET CETERA ET CETERA. Do you see where I'm going with this? In Canada, we have 4 kinds of Febreeze. You have an entire aisle. Also, we call it a Grocery Store, and Americans call it a Super Market, but that's another story for another day.

But the most bizarre are the flavours of sweet snacks. GOT DAYUM, y'all love your desserts, don't you? Don't lie, you'd eat an entire tub of I Can't Believe it's not Butter if it said "with a hint of vanilla!" on the label. Take Fig Newtons, for example. Typically, I would consider them a healthy cookie. Well, relatively healthy...I wouldn't feel bad packing them in a kid's lunchbox, we'll put it that way. Sure, it's a cake-y cookie outside, but the inside is a mildly-sweet fruit that is full of fibre. Figs will make you poop. Strawberry? What the hell?!? You just took everything remotely healthy and replaced it with Pop Tart filling. Now we have a cake-y cookie outside with a cake-y jam-y inside. Why don't you just change the name to Just-Eat-a-Toaster-Strudel-you-Fatass-Newtons. Cookies aside, let's take a look at JELL-O pudding. In Canada, we have a ton of brands of pudding: Kozy Shack, President's Choice, JELL-O, Dr. Oetker, etc etc, but we have limited flavours. Chocolate, Vanilla, Butterscotch, Pistachio (if you shop at the Dollar Store for food. Which, yes, I do sometimes. We're in a recession, what do you want me to do?) In America, you have one: JELL-O. Fucking Bill Cosby, am I right? (What does that even mean?) And your flavours run the gamut from Vanilla, to French Vanilla, to Caramel-Vanilla, to White Chocolate to...Cheesecake? Son-of-a-Nutcracker, cheesecake??!? You have cheesecake-flavoured pudding. I can totally imagine some Land Manatee picking up 30 boxes of this stuff and going "I get the cheesecake flavoured JELL-O pudding because I just looooove cheesecake, but I'm on a diet, so I just let myself have a little taste of cheesecake pudding and it satisfies my cravings!!" No, it doesn't, you tard. PUDDING IS NOT A LOW-CALORIE SNACK! It's pudding - it's full of sugar and calories and IT'S PUDDING. But cookies and pudding aside, Americans even like to make their healthy foods taste like high-fat desserts.Are you looking at this? This is yogurt. You know, the stuff you sometimes put under granola and usually comes in flavours like raspberry or vanilla? This is Low-Fat/Light yogurt flavoured like desserts. And trust, these aren't the only flavours; you can get containers of Choco-Choco-Chip Cheesecake and Strawberry Daiquiri Fizz Mousse. So while Canada has about 10 options for plain, American Yogurt Lobbyists are busy pressuring the Fat-Cats in Washington to come up with new ways to incorporate TGI-Friday's Caramello-Crunch Fudge Pie Shooters into their diet. All jokes aside, I saw this yogurt in the grocery store and was blown away. I bought about 7 kinds; some typical (peach) and some not-so-typical (white chocolate raspberry). I ate that Boston Cream Pie one while I was sitting here writing this post, and I must admit...it was one of the foulest things I have ever put in my mouth (I'll let you take that joke). It was horrible; I get that it was supposed to taste like Boston Cream Pie, but it had this underlying yogurty-sourness. Now I ask you this: if you went to a restaurant and ordered a piece of Boston Cream Pie and it came to you smelling like sour whey, would you eat it? Exactly.

And I couldn't think of a better way to wrap up this post than by showing you the best fridge magnet I have found down here so far. It was a close call, but this little fella nudged out Obama's face on a seashell with FLORIDA in puffy letters by a hair. Thank you, New Life Carpet Cleaning, for reminding us that when Jesus returns for the Reckoning (or whatever that shit is called with the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse) that he will be very pleased with how clean my wall-to-wall is.


Marina said...

Hahaha, you totally sum up my feelings on American foods. I absolutely love going over just to look at their foods selection.

Alice said...

I love that they sell frozen chocolate covered bananas down there, mmmm.

And Cheese-It crackers, so much tastier (and fatty-er) than our bland Cheese Nips version.

Penny Lane said...

I just came back from a trip to South Carolina, and I definitely spent an hour in the Piggly Wiggly marveling over their junk food selection. Some of it was disguised as healthy (now with 0.000004% real fruit!), but most was just cheesecake-flavoured lard with sprinkles. Awesome.

emily said...

i know this has nothing to do with flo-rida...but...i just saw george michael bluth at a restaurant at westmoreland and bloor st.

fester said...

Do they have alligator flavour in a pudding snack?
just askin

VegasGlutton said...

Bahahhaa yes it's true! Just about ANYTHING that starts off healthy we put chocolate, fructose or a rediculous amount of sodium on or in it and make it unhealthy...and also delicious. Cereals are a great example, within Cheerios, Special K and Frosted flakes there are at least 3 flavors for all of them hahaha