3.16.2009

Things you need to know about the Watchmen movie.

This weekend I finally went to see Watchmen. I say finally because I was in Florida when it first came out and I've had a very itchy trigger finger since last Friday. By now, I'm sure you've been bombarded with Watchmen propaganda. Even if a month ago you knew nothing about the graphic novel, the story, the movie, etc etc, but now I'm sure you know the basics. When I told my roomate that I had gone to see it, she asked if it was "that animated superhero movie". Not bad considering she thought 30 Rock was TV-Nerd jargon for 3rd Rock from the Sun. I can't even try to pretend that I'm not a massive nerd when it comes to Watchmen; I read the graphic novel (amazing!) and have been tracking the film's progress since 2007. I waited with baited breath to find out who had been cast as what and eagerly anticipated the next 10-second trailer.

But then I saw the movie and...it wasn't that great. I mean, don't get me wrong; Watchmen has been called unfilmable for years, and they did do a decent job. But it didn't blow me away (which The Dark Knight did, funny enough. There was a superhero movie I had little expectations for, and it was incredible). So here are a few points of interest in regards to the Watchmen film.

1. Holy shit, it's 3 fucking hours long. My ass was all kinds of asleep by the time the credits started to roll. I really think that they could have split this into 2 movies and made twice as much profit and made about a million less asses numb.

2. Billy Crudup is naked for about 90% of the movie. Except it's not really him, it's more of a CGI'd-to-Hell-and-Back version of him. But you do see his wang.Imagine one of these guys painted bright blue. Now imagine it's swinging around on a 30-ft tall screen for 3 hours. You can see how that might be distracting, non?

3. Got'dayum, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is fine. I always used to confuse him with my future husband Javier Bardem, but not anymore. He's not just a handsome face; he's amazing in Watchmen.

4. Speaking of amazing, Jackie Earle Haley is so effing tough in Watchmen. He plays Rorschach, which is pronounced like ROAR-zack. I have a handy way to remember the pronunciation; think of Zack Morris.

5. Right smack-dab in the middle of the film there is an incredibly porn-y sex scene involving Malin Akerman (Silk Spectre) and Patrick Wilson (Nite Owl). So if you're thinking about going to see this movie with your parents or kids, you might want to reconsider. Like, when I say it's porn-y, I mean it makes sex look like a church.Patrick Wilson better watch it, or he's going to become the Hollywood go-to manwhore. I feel like every movie I've seen him in, he's just killing time till he gets to drop trou and bust a nut (I'm classy!). But come to think of it, I've only really seen him in Watchmen and Little Children, so unless his next film is a teen sex comedy called School of Hard Weiners, I suppose my theory doesn't have legs to stand on.

No comments: