3.30.2009

THE WEDDING IS OFF!

Normally I do not like to talk about my personal life, but there have been some events that happened this past weekend that I feel the need to address. As you may know, the love of my life, ShamWow Vince (aka Vince Offer aka Vince Shlomi) was arrested in Miami for Slap-Chopping a prostitute. I can't believe it. When I think of class and pedigree, I think of Vince; truly a captain of industry. But for him to get involved with a prostitute not only tarnishes what we had, but also paints him as a sleazy hooker-slapping poor-man's Billy Mays.
So yeah, needless to say, my love affair with ShamWow Vince is over. OVER damnit! I can't be with a pathetic, hooker-slapping Slap-Chop salesman. The last time I spoke with Vince was Saturday morning at 3:00am when he called begging me to post bail. AS IF! I live in Canada; you think I'm going to get out of bed, put on pants, get my ass to the airport, book the first flight to Miami, throw roaming charges to the wind and call a cab using my cellphone, find my way to the holding cell where Vince is drying out, write a cheque for 3 grand, call for another cab, check into the Miami Hilton, fight over who's going to fill up the ice bucket, agree that whoever doesn't fill up the ice bucket should go get sodas, get pissed off when the Hilton soda machine has Sprite instead of Sierra Mist, take several Tylenol PMs, wake up after the continental breakfast is done, grudgingly walk to Denny's, order a Moon Over My Hammy over-easy, receive a Moon Over My Hammy sunny-side-up, send it back, spill coffee on the table, watch Vince show how the ShamWow works, and on and on and on. You know who wouldn't pull that crap with me?
Exactly. Billy Mays would never hire a Miami hooker and slap her up. Billy Mays is a gentleman.

2 comments:

The Mighty J said...

I am sorry to hear about the demise of your engagement. Keep the ring and see if you can trade it in for some stock in Oxyclean.

raych said...

All of my college's baby bunnies (as featured on cuteoverload that one time) are weeping for you.