4.08.2009

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 6: Burn, Baby, Burn

Hey kids!! We're back again, beating down another episode like it owes us money. And in the words of one very astute reader:

Ughh, seriously this is turning into America's Next 'Bargain World' flyer model. (Sears would be too high end).

Very true! This is more low-rent than that time I lived in the housing projects (I was just trying to get back on my feet again is all!!) And a bit of sad news - since this week was the Cover Girl commercial shoot week, we don't have any pictures (LAME!) so I went through and peppered in some screen grabs. So are you ready to read what transcribed between TyTy and I? Like I always say...LET'S DO THIS!

TY: Should I mention that I'm surrounded by more empty beer bottles than boobs I've touched in the last half a year? My television looks like it could probably buy a 5th of whiskey without being I.D., yet the bare walls, guitar cases and original NES would have trouble getting into The Chronicles of Narnia.

THE MAYOR: I'm in my old-ass Victorian cottage (I live on the water) and the area above my head smells. I got a massive leak in the plaster and when it rains, it stinks. Brb - I need to make some Kraft Dinner.

TY: I was going to make that! Sooooooo....I've just been reminded of how bad last week's episode was - Sandra really looked like she was on a gang-bang set as the target...gross. Sweeeeeeeet Jesus - Celia making horse faces is going to scare not just me, but my children's children. Why edit that in? Whoa - Scrunchy just used the word whack. She sounds like Aunt Vivian. You know, cause she's from a nice community like Bel-Air.

THE MAYOR: Did you see Fo strut????

TY: Yeh - I loved that.

THE MAYOR: FUCK!!!! I left my noodles on too long and now they're wormy. I just dumped them in the garbage. Oh Aminat - always the hoodrat.

TY: Does Paula act? Is that her thing? I don't remember her in Pret a Porter or whatever that movie was that gave me a boner when they walked out totally naked for the last fashion show.

THE MAYOR: Yes!!! Scrunchy just got told off!!

TY: I wish scrunchy wasn't so good.

THE MAYOR: Poor Burny - I feel so embarrassed for her.

TY: This is awkward - like, walking in on your roommate dumping type awkward.

THE MAYOR: What? you've done that? When I lived with my sister, I'm sure we never closed the door whilst dumping.

TY: No - but one time my VP walked in on me dumping.

THE MAYOR: AHAHAHAHAHA that's so gross!!! Boy dumps are always terrifying.

TY: They are - for good reason.

THE MAYOR: CLAY GAYKEN!!!!!!

TY: Speaking of ewwww...Has the Aikster put on some pounds?

THE MAYOR: Pounds? You mean tonnes. Aminat is okay.

TY: Yeh - this would be better if they were shittier.
THE MAYOR: Fo is TERRIBLE. Oh wait...I spoke too soon. Tahlia!

TY: Whoa - Burny.

THE MAYOR: London won. Meh.
I know this image is as old as the hills, but it was the only one that lent itself niceley to Microsoft Paint.

TY: DAMN. She has weight issues - I can play on that. I'll make her feel beautiful (that's the creepiest thing a guy could ever say, yes?)

THE MAYOR: You just molested me with your words. Good Jerb. Allison reminds me of the anorexic girl from Drop Dead Gorgeous.
TY: Good call.

THE MAYOR: Celia needs some of that age-reducing makeup.

TY: You mean shriveled ghost face reducing makeup?

THE MAYOR: She looks like Madonna, pre-airbrushing.
TY: Why can't they suck more? Wait......Wind Tunnel.

THE MAYOR: Aminat looks like she's filming a commercial for 1-900-Evil Bitch.

TY: You can take the Aminat out of the ghetto, but you can't take the....blah blah.
Burny needs to get rid of a lot more.....like the topographical map of acne on her forehead.

THE MAYOR: OF COURSE TAHLIA LIKES FULL COVERAGE!!!!

TY: CAN'T WATCH!!!!! I can almost feel the sweat running through her burn scars.

THE MAYOR: Fuck, Celia, put away that wig! You look like a damn fool!

TY: She looks like everything that is wrong with the world all rolled up into a piece of parchment, left out in the sun for a week while being pooped on by pigeons and then flattened out by the same iron that Tahlia feels serious anxiety about using every day. So who's going home? I bet a 5 alarm fire that it's Burny.

THE MAYOR: Tahlia is defs taking her stitchy ass back to a creepy Texas farmhouse (get it? She's Leatherface).

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