ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 8: "I wanted a swimming pool"

TY: My bird just got here just in time to make typing difficult (Editor’s Note: Ty had ordered Swiss Chalet for dinner).
Brazil! Who cheats on their boyfriend with a sexy Latin lover first?

THE MAYOR: Oh my god, this is the part of the season where we hear them all talk like small-town hicks. "I never been on no airplane before! This a whole other country!"

TY: Them people sound like the chickens in pa's shed!

THE MAYOR: I'm going to guess that Allison will sleep with a Brazilian model and Celia will sleep with anyone with a bootleg prescription for Cialis.

TY: I fear that the sun will make Celia age even more, making her, ummm.......the Crypt Keeper?

THE MAYOR: The Crypt Keeper, or Mr. Burn's mother. Oh man! Let's start the "Borderline Racist Comment" count. Every time they go to a "foreign" country they always say something marginally racist.

TY: Haterade. I love when they drink that, to replenish their bitcholytes.

THE MAYOR: Wow. That graphic of them on the plane flying to Brazil looks like something out of a Bad Boy commercial.

TY: Nooooooooooooooooooobody will get this Southern Ontario reference. Is this chick Brooke shield's sister?

THE MAYOR: "Teyona's a track star"

TY: Is this the Amazing Race?

THE MAYOR: This is like The Mediocre-at-Best Race

TY: Celia’s driver is driving the way people her age always drive.

THE MAYOR: OMG - Celia and Allison are last. Of course. Celia probably had to stop 8 times to go to the bathroom (seniors are notorious for their small bladders and poor urine control). Why is Celia wearing a fur vest?

TY: Umm.... “it's actually neat to meet someone who has a song written about them” - Allison, you floor me with your lucid descriptions. Roll over Charles Fucken Dickens.

THE MAYOR: Here's an off-topic question: are Natalie's bewbs fake?

TY: On topic - yes, they bounced funny.

THE MAYOR: And they are huge! Baby Got Rack.

TY: Remember Sir Mix-a-Lot's follow up, “Put 'em on da Glass”? Cause Natalie could star in that video.

THE MAYOR: Oh my god, Natalie, if you don't like Brazil, then GO THE FUCK HOME.

TY: Did you catch Fo with Clearasil?

THE MAYOR: Capoeira is bogus. It's just break dancing with high-kicks. But Celia round-housed a bitch! The judges were right: Teyona wasn’t modeling, she was just impersonating Jennifer Lopez in "Enough".

THE MAYOR: Holy shit, Aminat BROUGHT it.

TY: Are they going to make this 'fo-to' shoot reference the entire time? Cause I'd sure like to 'fo-get' about this episode if they did.

THE MAYOR: "I see them bananas all the time!" - Let's add that to the racism count.

TY: Nice. Sutan the history teacher - I should watch my back, he might take my job.

THE MAYOR: Sutan doesn't edit Wikipedia; Wikipedia asks him how it should be written.

TY: Fuck! Sutan just stole my joke about fruit stacked up on each other!

THE MAYOR: Celia looks like a Gam-gam on a Seniors Cruise. Allison actually looks very good! She's so fun!

TY: She does - and I bet she'd let me do anything to her in bed. Wait....did I type that shit? I mean, what a professional model.

THE MAYOR: Oh my god, there's a Judge Judy phrase that describes Natalie: "you can polish a turd, but it's still a piece of shit". And in regards to that Allison comment, please keep both your hands on the keyboard while you are typing. This is a family show.

TY: The fruit on Teyona's head hides at least five of her ten head.

THE MAYOR: Teyona impresses me - she is fun and happy. I'm on Team 10-Head. Fo is camping it up. Even John Waters is watching her shoot and saying "take it easy, homegirl".

TY: Who's taking the long, lonely flight home? Oh! Brazilian accent attempt - chalk that up.

THE MAYOR: Natalie looks like a Brazilian stripper. What is she saying about Jay Manuel?? Oooh chile! You can't lie to Ty-ty!!

TY: Celia fell asleep getting her perm and talking about Ethel's grandkids.

THE MAYOR: She fell asleep complaining about her grandson Ari. "I don't undastand it! He won't get married! I tell him, get a good girl, settle down, give me great-grandchildren! How is that too much to ask?"

TY: It's not too much to ask, just like it's not too much to ask Nigel how many straight Brazilian men he's turned since putting on that shirt.

THE MAYOR: Seriously? Nigel Barker is walking sex. That man has to try 0% to get women to drop they underwears.

TY: He looks like John Waters' wet dream.

THE MAYOR: OMG - are you watching this shitty commercial for SportChek?

TY: I am!

THE MAYOR: It's so garbage! I thought I was watching a Stitches commercial or Quest Personals. Oh Natalie - Holy Moley! Send her home!

TY: Fo-Pas. “She's the noun, not the verb” - I need to use that in my next round of report card comments. Not fresh? Does she need a douche?

THE MAYOR: I love that they made another Gam-gam joke. "She's 25, but she looks like me". How old is Ty-ty? Because she looks older than she actually is. I'm confused.

TY: So, Tyra knows everything and I should feel blessed to smell her turds?

THE MAYOR: Yes. Tyra is Jesus. Whoah! Allison won? Weird.

TY: Naw....she deserved that.

THE MAYOR: True. They got the top 2 right. Yeah, make that the top 3.

TY: Natalie might punch a bitch if she loses.

THE MAYOR: Oooh!! I can't stand it!! Who is going home?! Natalie will whip a fake tittay at someone if she goes home.

TY: I can't tell if she's about to cry or piss. Or kick a whole through the wall

THE MAYOR: Lesson Learned: Don't tell lies about Jay Manuel that your ass can't cash! Ugh...she's such a sore loser. Next week - ugh, go-sees. I hate go-sees. But I do love Nigel Barker asking Celia "what the hell is that?" Probable answer: her catheter or colostomy bag

TY: Good call - or a happy 65th b-day card that falls out of the cellulite wrinkles.

THE MAYOR: Or packets of Metamucil On-The-Go!

TY: Or a bingo card.

THE MAYOR: Or pictures of her grandchildren.

TY: Or an autographed picture of Betty White. Or a Swiss Chalet 2-4-1 coupon.

THE MAYOR: Or her driver's license. "My kids tell me I shouldn't be driving, but they can't take my license away if they can’t find it!”


Alice said...

That was the best re-cap!
I can't believe none of them knew who Carmen Miranda was?! Get thee an education, fools.

Also, putting Jay under the bus for her lame photo aside, I just knew she was going home when she complained that their photoshoot was in a "poor area - with like, poor people"

It could have just as easily been Celia shuffling off in her slippers and prickly hair curlers, but that'll be next week.

Anonymous said...

Everytime I see Allison I keep waiting for the Kratt brothers to jump out and shout "C'mon Zoboo..we're going on a trip!"


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