Oh Craigslist...Thank You.

I know I joke about being single all the time, but truthfully - I do it to myself. There is a good reason I'm sitting her in a very lonely double-bed, listening to talk radio and typing out this post. And you know what? I'm not complaining. I've always been a bit of a loner; I like reading by myself and I like watching movies by myself. I think I could honestly live alone for the rest of my life. I have seen other people do it and, quite frankly, these are the happiest people I know. Plus, I like to listen to talk radio in my underwear, and I don't need someone to keep asking me to put pants on or to sit with my legs closed.

But there comes a time when you sit back and stare at 3 of your 5 cats, and feel your withered, raisin-like eggs drops from your ovaries, and it's nearly impossible to hear your own thoughts because they are being drowned out by the constant ticking of the metronome that is your biological clock, and you say to yourself "Hey self, I think it's time to settle down and find a man". So I did what any normal girl does; I went to Craigslist and perused their Men seeking Women section. Obviously, right?

Well, I don't know if it was a case of right-place/right-time, or if Jesus himself climbed off his mountain of kittens and decided to give me a little help, but look at the amazing post I found. The title alone gave chills.

Swoon! It's like Cupid forged a bow from old Starter Jackets and dipped the arrow in St. Ides, then aimed at my heart. I knew it was meant to be, so I clicked on it right away.

Recently served some jail time down in the states for weed possession and armed robbery. Looking for a girl in Toronto that is down for hers....I aint gonna lie, it's been tough since i got out and going back into a life a crime is always on my mind, but I've been straight since i got out....Been basically serving myself and finding anyway to satisfy my needs. Whether that be giving myself strangers, doing TP rolls or getting into yoga so that i can kiss my tip....I just wanna find my soulmate and someone i can connect with. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and thuggishly. Ya heard?

Ain't love grand?!? I've been floating around on Cloud 9 for days now, and I really don't think I'll ever come down. You know...I used to read Romeo & Juliet (well...watched Romeo & Juliet) and I never really understood the weight of it all. Now I can't imagine my life without this person, this angel. But I hadn't gotten to his picture yet - what if he wasn't the beautiful manifestation of love that I had created in my mind? Would I still love him? Could I train my heart to re-fall in love?

Hark, what light through yonder trailer window breaks! It is the east, and this guy in an LA beanie is the sun! I am short of breath - I can barely look at his stunning face without my stomach tying itself up in knots. In my dreams, I can touch his face. Squinty, hat-covered eyes - like cool, deep pools of prison urine. Those aggressively tight-lips; what mysteries his mouth contains! Is there a full set of teeth? Do they look like little corn kernels, the result of the USA federal prison dental system? Shoulders that boast years of reckless steroid abuse; I can only imagine how small and shriveled his testicles must be. Double swoon!

I can only imagine what our first date would be like. He would show up to my house in his rusty '95 Toyota Tercel, furiously honking the horn as if to say "Come out my love! I am here!" I would emerge, probably over-dressed, and would climb into the front seat. He would smell like an intoxicating mix of weed, Red Bull, sour milk, AXE bodyspray, and gum. Fresh breath - what a romantic! From there, he would ask me how much money I have and what kind of restaurants are in my price range. I wouldn't want to pick something too fancy - I'm just a burger and fries kind of gal! So we'd go to McDonalds. He'd order a McSurf-n-Turf (a Fillet O' Fish inside a Quarter Pounder) and would tell me to order him a large Coke (he brought his own rum. So thrifty!) We'd feed each other fries, until he gets a phone call from his friend Dylon or Windex, and then he'd excuse himself to "take care of business". He's such a go-getter!

After about an hour I'd start to toy with the idea of leaving, as there is a 50/50 chance he's not coming back. But I won't want to seem rude, so I'll probably wait it out for another hour. After that, if he hasn't come back, I'll try to find a cab or a street car and make my way home. Around 4am I'll get a call from him (Spontaneous!!!) and he'll tell me he's in my driveway and he needs a place to crash. When I get to the door, he will have a kid with him that he addresses solely as "he's a good guy. Don't pay no nevermind to him" and I will let the two of them sleep in my bed while I take the couch. In the morning I will make them eggs and he will tell me the two of them want cereal, and I will let them know that I don't actually have any cereal, so he suggests going out for breakfast. I will need a bit more time to get ready (women, right?! It's in our genes!) but by the time I get out to the car, they've already gone. Sigh - he's probably just out planning a super-romantic surprise for me.

TRUE LOVE - can you beat it?!!?

To view the original ad, click here. But I swear to god, if any of you email him, I will find you! Step off, bitch, he's mine!!!


ThomG said...

In South Dakota, we have women looking for men like this:

"We love because it's the only true adventure. I am 5 ft. 3 in. with shoulder-length lt. brown hair and a some say beautiful face. Reading is definitely food for my soul. In the recent past I have read such books as Contact, Carl Sagan & Master of the Game, Sidney Sheldon. I've been described as naive (to some extent). Please, no chewing food with an open mouth because this is a big turn off for me. Waiting to meet the man of my dreams...contact me and tell me about yourself."

Jenn L said...