4.21.2009

Zit videos are so 6 months ago.

Okay, I need to preface this post with a warning. It's safe for work (no peens or bageens) so no worries there...but I STRONGLY suggest that those with a weak stomach or a touchy gag reflex should just skip this post all together. I should also remind you that you are a huge pussy and you should be old enough to handle gross stuff. Oh come on, I kid cause I love. Alright, let's do this. Scroll down to read the post (I had to hide it so the babies wouldn't barf all ober dere widdle compooters). Scroll down down down...





















It was but 6 months ago that I used to enjoy watching zit-popping videos on YouTube. Between my best friend teaching me about the Revlon 13x magnifying suction mirror, or searching YouTube for up-close clips of massive throbbing boils being punctured with kitchen knives, I was enjoying gross acne on the regular. But have you found that YouTube zit-popping videos have become de rigueur? You know what - I'm just going to come out and say it: zit-popping videos have jumped the shark. And you know my favourite equation:So I'm going to introduce you to something that the "Normies" haven't found out about yet (don't worry about talking loud - they're too busy quoting Borat).

I have a lot of maladies: eczema, mental illness (aka The Krazies), allergies of all kinds, balance problems, etc etc. I'm walking pathetic. But I also have Tonsilloliths. I'd say I 'suffer' from it, but that's not true - I LOVE having tonsilloliths! I'm sure you're sitting there thinking "WT-Fuck are tonsilloliths?" and that is a very good question. Up until about 2 years ago, I had no idea what they were called either. Now, you could go ahead and click that link above (which will take you to the Wiki page, and it's quite in-depth) but I prefer this little visual tutorial:

The best part is at 1:08 when the woman stumbles through the word antibiotics. Fantastic. It's like they had one take to record the copy. "No mistakes! Keep going!" But yeah, do you sort of get what they are now? Let's me fill you in on some insider jargon about tonsilloliths. We (those who have them) don't call them by their full name. We have a billion nicknames for then: tonsil stones, throat nuggets, stink balls, stink pearls. But my sister and I refer to them as Poo Nuggets. Why? It's simple - when you crush them, they literally smell like feces. It's disgusting. Imagine, if you will, you picked up dogshit with your bare hands and let it dry. Then someone took a heat-gun to your hand and wafted the fumes towards your face. Now intensify that smell with NASA technology and you have about 1/10th of the smell. It's horrifying (and yet, I don't have bad breath. I can't explain that). And to add insult to injury, they can become dislodged at anytime; my worst fear is that I will be making out with a boy and I will spit one out (well, that and farting in my sleep with someone next to me. These are my fears. You're welcome). So you know that they are small, calcified pieces of stinky kernels. But what do they look like? Ladies and gentlemen, a very close-up video of Poo Nugget removal:

Gross!!!! Did you see that?!!? You have to remove them with a tool! Although my sister is a pro - she can just stick her finger down her throat and they all come up like mice following a piper. Now, these are very white, which could just be the lighting, but poo nuggets come in many colours (just like animatronics in It's A Small World). Mine are typically off-white, my sister's are pale green. I have seen ones that are a mix of yellow and brown. And, like people, they come in very different sizes: small and round, thick and lumpy, clumpy, singles. Have I thoroughly grossed you out yet?

This next clip is very similar to what mine look like. I usually have 1 or 2 at a time, and they aren't earth-shatteringly huge. But the sound that the woman makes as she extracts it is EXACTLY how I sound when I am extracting mine. I have been domashizing these little fuckers for about 7 or 8 years now and I'm still not used to them. Every time one comes out I scream like an old lady seeing a mouse in her kitchen (complete with standing on a chair and clutching my apron).

So there you have it. This was such an in-depth and scientific article, I feel like I could get my PhD in science. Dear Nobel Prize committee - you should start engraving my trophy right now.

7 comments:

Alice said...

I used to get tonsillitis about 10-12 time a year when I was younger (never got stones though, thank the good lord) the doctor finally took the stupid tonsils out. It was pretty painful but worth it.

alex davey illustrations said...

They're doing it all wrong. Man, if there was some sort of certificate that allowed me to have my own practice of Tonsil-Stone removal, I'd do it. And live in a house made of gold and puppies.

The Mayor said...

1. I have never had tonsilitis, but it looks disgusting. Is it true they cauterize your tonsils? Shudder.

2. We need to open a practice that serves both the zit-afflicted and tonsil stone-havers in one place. We would be like Dr. 90210

Anonymous said...

TY.

Mummers said...

TY.

carmel dias said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jack Gordon said...

I swear to God, Mayor, I've had this "condition" since I was in college and had no idea it had a name! I suspected it wasn't anything "serious" but had never told anyone about it in case it was. Shit I can't believe you opened my eyes to this