5.13.2009

ANTM Cycle 12, Episode 11: In like a lion, out like a soggy french fry

Well well well, after eleven weeks we finally crown Miss America's Next Unemployed Aspiring Model, and wow...let's talk about the elephant in the room, shall we? No, not Tyra; that's mean! Tyra is definitely not a massive, egotistical cow hell bent on getting close enough to Oprah to poison her food or smother her while she sleeps in order to usurp her position as the HBIC of daytime TV. No, the elephant in the room that was the sheer agony of last night's final episode. It was SO CRIMINALLY BORING. Oh my god, did you not feel like you were watching a movie where you know the ending already. It's like watching Citizen Kane and every time they say Rosebud you go "It's a sled...Rosebud is a fucking sled".

But I will say this; I do not long for the days of the 2-hour ANTM finale. Remember those circle jerks? Ugh, so long - it was like ANTM: The Movie. The person in charge of making the executive decision to cut the finale down to 60 minutes: there is a muffin basket in heaven with your name on it.

So the first 1/2 hour gave us the inevitably terrible CoverGirl commercials.


Of course, 8:29pm is the time when Aminat was sent packing. Sadly, I couldn't feel sorry for her - I was too busy noticing the startling comparison between herself and Sandra Bernhart (well, you know...save for the obvious difference between the two). They even have the gap-toothed smile and everything! Also, there were rumors floating around all season that Aminat is less of a Hot Dog and more of a Taco kinda girl, which - unless my gaydar is broken - I didn't really pick up on. Oh wells, if it's true, then call up Sandra Bernhart girl! Everybody wants to date their double!



And the last 1/2 hour gave us several minutes of unsolicited slow-mo footage of a bunch of greasy bony lizards. WTF? Where did they find those models? Craigslist Erotic Services? Got dayum. In the words of Kanye West: THAT WAS SOME HEXXUS FROM FERN GULLY SHIT!!!

Anyways, time to talk about the bottom two (and I mean bottom, as in barrel). I thought it might be fun to rehash what Ty and I thought of the final two back in the day when we were first introduced to them. My, how far they've come (...well, not really that far. It's hard to crawl up from rock bottom).

Allison
He Said: If this blood obsessed gothic porcelain doll looking thing is the best that Tyra and company can do then someone needs to shut this thing down and put this girl in a museum.
She Said: Ugh, this bitch is hurting for a makeover. I had that same haircut in Grade 10. I have a feeling that Allison will be gone-zo in the first or second week; she just looks so boring. I refuse to donate any more time talking about her for fear my brain will atrophy.
Where We Right? Hayull Naw! I predicted that she would be back to the Lemur den weeks ago. Turns out it takes 11 weeks to get back to your furry little family.


Teyona
He Said: When your hairline starts on the top of your scalp, modeling should be further down the list of things to do than a) get plugs and b) hide under large rock.
She Said: Can we check this one for a penis? Kthanks.
Where We Right? Wow, we were so wrong. Not only was Teyona the least manly (ahem...Tahlia) but she turned out to be the winner. Guess what kids? Don't judge a book by it's cover. Judge it by it's crappy, haphazard modeling skills.

But will this be the last we see of Allison and Teyona? Probably not. We will get to see Teyona at least 3 more times: on the back-cover of Seventeen (they always do that dual-cover with a decent star on the front and then that "flip over to see ANTM Winner Teyona!" on the back), in that one CoverGirl ad she shot on the show (which will be in the same Seventeen she's in, natch) and then countless times on Cycle 13 where she will show up with McKey and Whitney (who need the work) and host a pitiful challenge. Allison, on the other hand...

If she's lucky! She's gonna have to impress the hell out of the Forever 21 marketing staff, because I'm sure they've already booked Natalie and Kortnie. Don't worry Allison; you were a hit on 4Chan - if you work hard enough, and get creepy enough, you might just land your very own profile on Suicide Girls. Your mother must be beaming with pride right now!

Speaking of people we won't see ever again...did y'all hear that Paulina Pore-iz-cove-ah got the old "don't let the door hit ya where the good lawd split ya"? I know! Bish is the only reason I watch stick around for judging cause homegirl is straight-up NASTY. She's like Regina from Mean Girls, but with 1000x more silent red-hot hatred. According to Paulina, she was given the boot because Tyra was trying to cut the fat. MUST NOT MAKE OBVIOUS TYRA WEIGHT GAIN JOKE. But does that mean it will just be Tyra, Miss J, and Nigel on panel? That's no fun. Nigel is fun to look at, but that's really all he's good for. Miss J holds down this show, plus he's BFFFTTSHA with Tyra (best fucking friends forever, till Tyra shanks his ass) so you know his job is safe in these unstable economic times. Will they bring in a new Supermodel judge? Here's an idea to make the show less sleepy-time tea:

BRING BACK JANICE DICKINSON

I know, it will never happen. But one can dream, right? Also, we're not out of the woods yet kids! Canada's Next Top Model Cycle 3 airs on Tuesday, May 26th at 8pm and you KNOW I'm going to be covering that train wreck! If you have no idea what Canada's Next Top Model is like, let me break it down for you. ANTM + Jay Manuel - (Any Shred of Decency x Very Low Production Values) + Girls Who Can't Even Book SEARS = CNTM. Hooray! I can hardly wait!!!

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