5.26.2009

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 1

Well! We're back again, for the 3rd time EVER! Canada's Next Top Model is like a Leap-Year - it only happens every 4 years, and when it does, it's pretty uneventful. Anyways, if you are Canadian, then you will get 100% of the jokes in these CNTM posts. And if you're American? Well - you might need to refer to any of my Canada vs. America guides, because this shit is chock-full of Canadiana. JK - it's mostly just filled with crappy SEARS-grade models and too much Jay Manuel. Okay, so first off, I think I need to stress what The Cycle 3 girls are up against:
Yep, that's CNTM Cycle 1 winner Andrea Muizelaar. Stiff competition, am I right? All they need to do is avoid eating an entire bag of Oreos before bed each night and I think they can easily surpass Andrea in terms of success and booking jobs. I wish I could say that this picture is a tragic victim of my piss-poor photoshop skills, but sadly - this is a current picture. Yipes. Anyways, let's talk turds!

The Mayor: "Thousands and thousands of girls applied" - so, like, 2000 then?

Ty: Yep. High schools are bigger than that. Man...there's some bad ass skin in this set.

The Mayor: I know! I hope one of the challenges involves Proactiv. Holy shit, how old is that woman in the hood? 40?

Ty: I think she's lost...she was probably the cleaning lady from the building just out for a smoke. Why can't this frog have a right-on lumberjack accent? That would be hot; like....je suis le poutine.
The Mayor: I love poutine. I also love Boris beers. NOLÉ!!!!! Fuck yes, you know I love me some Nolé!!!! Wait - braces??? Did you see braces? YES!!!! 80'S GLAMOUR!!! This is the photoshoot Jesus will give me in Heaven.

Ty: Is someone shooting this on their digital camera? The film looks rather Cancon’esque. I feel like they might sell 'cancon' film in film stores.

The Mayor: I have already made three good comparisons.
Jill looks like a Hooters girl:

Linsey looks like a broke-ass Rumer Willis:
The Mayor: And Rebeccah looks like the picture you would find in an antique locket from Value Village:
Also, I made a note of their "occupations" and here is the breakdown:

Ty: K. I'm ready for a lot of 'students'

The Mayor: Sales/Retail (4), Student (5), Receptionist (2). OMG - this bitch is terrible.

Ty: Who's this one? The blondo?

The Mayor: Jill is porn porn porn. She handles that snake like it’s a dick.

Ty: I feel like I could convince her that the secret to modeling is hidden down my pants.

The Mayor: Maryam is like Wynona Ryder. I LOVE THAT WOLF!! I would be snuggling it's brains out.

Ty: K, so I am predisposed to hate Meaghan...just a warning.

The Mayor: Meaghan needs to get rid of those mouf-tracks. Nikita is terrible.
Ty: 'It's a snake honey' - sounds like being 15 again

The Mayor: Tara doesn't get what the hell is going on. Alexandra looks like a broke mob wife.Rebecca is a hipster wet dream. She's like a lady Robert Smith.

Ty: When someone says 'specific type of model' doesn't that mean ugly?

The Mayor: It means "good luck trying to get work". Does that bobcat have 1 eye?

Ty: Maybe it's trying to wink at Nigel.

The Mayor: I'd like to wink at Nigel...with my brown eye! EW.

Ty: EWWWW! (if you can do that, you don't need to be broke...ever)

The Mayor: Whatever - don't act like you wouldn't let Nigel go downtown.

Ty: Ummm....I suppose you're right. So....this Linsay chick has at least a scrot...

The Mayor: Oh for sure - there's a wiener down there.

Ty: Maybe the balls are gone, but there's some 'man' around her can.

The Mayor: Heather? Bokay...

Ty: Heather has a Nicole Kidman thing going on.

The Mayor: They're staying at the Soho Met? BROKE!

Ty: I have a better view from my deck

The Mayor: I have a better view from my toilet. Whoah - that's the gayest mural of Jay. My friend Ilana just texted me "Free sample-sizes of Pantene - I must be a super star or sumptin!" AHHHHH I LOVE SEALS!!1!!! I WANT IT!!

Ty: Turn down the chick.

The Mayor: This is the fucking stupidest thing I have ever seen. Ebonie just needs to move to Brampton already and work at Old Navy.

Ty: Ohhhh....here's the fashion shoot. This looks like a tourism video.

The Mayor: "We got an email on the LG laptop! Come - gather round on our Leon's kitchen table! Oh my god! Look at this pleather-faux-gator handbag from Winners!!"

The Mayor: "Where are dey? On da turd floor?" Someone's gotta work on that GTA accent.

Ty: That one photoshoot at the beginning was it?

The Mayor: There better be good judges.

Ty: Jeanne rules. I enjoy her work.

The Mayor: Jeanne Beker - ugh, she is like a brunette Kathy-Lee Gifford. Or like, a brunette Kristen Wiig doing Kathy-Lee Gifford. She's always talking in that stupid cougar-diction. Is Heather wearing jean shorts? Ugh. Barf.

Ty: Jorts? She's dressed like one of my students. Meaghan looks like the best looking girl left over at the end of a post high school party that I guess I'll try to make out with but only cause I'm eight sheets to the wind and bored.

The Mayor: ...you'd make out with one of your students? Perv!!! Maryam's is good - she will be around for a bit. Jill needs to get a couple pairs of Spanx. Her Life Goal is to be one of George Clooney's cocktail-waitress girlfriends.

Ty: And have him fall asleep on top of her.

The Mayor: That's my dream too.

Ty: Well....I should admit I've thought about.

The Mayor: That doesn’t make you gay. That makes you human.

Ty: So who's going home? Clare Huxtable?

The Mayor: Hhmmm...I dunno. Heather has the personality of an expired condom. Jill is straight-up FHM

Ty: Rebbehakaakja or however you say it looks like the chick from the band 'St.Vincent'. Look that shit up. Tiffany needs to go home and be with her love child.

The Mayor: Linsey is the Celia of CNTM - old-ass memaw.

Ty: Yes – agreed, and therefore I hate her. And why isn't there a fucking D in her name?

The Mayor: Cause she's a turd-sammy? OOOhhh - who's going home?!?!

Ty: K - Tiffany is my bet…and I won't let you forget that you thought she would be top three for a couple seconds.

The Mayor: I want Tiffany to be my stylist. PS - Jill definitely has a BF who is into Triple A Hockey or Lacrosse (aka The Sport of Date Rapists)

Ty: I would put it at about 80% that she's boned a Lindros.

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