5.15.2009

I think I outed my neighbor's cat.

Last night I went for an extended bike ride on the Beach. I know. I live on a Beach. Koo-ROO-koo-koo-koo-koo-koo-kooooo...

Drink it in, ponies. This is my backyard. Anyways, as I pulled my bike into my walkway, I noticed something furry on my neighbors lawn. Since my neighbor and I share a front lawn, I didn't think it would be illegal or bad form to step on over and investigate. As it turns out, my neighbor keeps her cat on a harness that is attached to a leash that is attached to her porch so that he can go outside without getting hit by cars or stolen by the Welfare trash that live in the apartment building across the street from our houses (it's common knowledge that poor people like to keep lots of cats as a cheap alternative to heating their homes in the winter). He's on a leash, and looks fairly docile, so I dropped my bike like a little kid on the sidewalk and went over to say hello. He is very cute - pudgy and light grey and white, with huge brown eyes. He let me pet him without biting me or scratching, so I decided we could be friends. All of a sudden I hear a voice from the front door say:

"You better watch out, he's vicious".

Oh shit! I'm gonna get my ass tore up, either by the cat or the owner who wants me off her lawn and away from her property (kitty). But she came out on the porch and was smiling and followed up with "someone's made a new friend!!"

Praise Jesus, I don't need to make enemies with my neighbors. We talked for a bit, and she let me hold him (which was ADORABLE! You know when a cat goes limp because it doesn't want to be held? He was like holding a pile of wet clothes from the laundry). She told me he was a rescue and that he's about 8 years old, but the vets aren't sure. He came with the name Kitty and he responded to it, so she decided not to change it. It's nice getting to know your neighbors over cats on leashes. Now here's where the story gets fun.

She's telling me all kinds of stuff about Kitty (like that he used to be feral and now isn't and how he's neutered and declawed - always very good to know) and then mentions that Kitty even has a girlfriend. CUTE! Apparently, Kitty's girlfriend looks just like him, but smaller, and has a little purple collar with little "diamonds" on it. She comes to the door and waits for Kitty and and meows till he is let out. Usually Kitty and his Girlfriend play on the lawn or on the porch. One time she came outside to see Kitty and his Girlfriend just sitting on the grass, staring into each other's kitty-cat-eyes. But Kitty's been sad because his little girlfriend hasn't come over lately. She's worried that something might have happened to her. Kitty is lonesome without her. Awwwww.....

Wait a second. Purple diamond collar? Little tabby? Ruh-roh; that sounds like my old roomate's cat Ricky. Ricky, who is most certainly a little boy cat.

"Uh, so you haven't seen the cat in...what, like 4 months? Almost like it just up and left in the middle of the night?" I asked.

"Yes! It was the strangest thing! One day she was over, and the next we can't find any trace of her!"

"Oh. Kitty's girlfriend was my old roomate's cat, Rick. Kitty's girlfriend was a dude." And I SWEAR TO GOD the cat gave me this exact same look:


I got cut-eye from a cat. He was like "You sold me out, bitch. That shit is cold." God damn, I'm sorry! I didn't know your Mom didn't know you were into guys! My bad! You should have been more discrete homeboy - told Ricky to leave his collar at the door or something. Anyways, he's pissed, and I'm pretty sure I saw a little suitcase outside on the porch this morning and a bus driving up from one of those Pray-out-the-Gay camps in the States. See you in September, Kitty!

4 comments:

alex davey said...

awww I loved Ricky.
Which reminds me, I love Baby kitty X1000 and she was just outside on our porch playing with a bungey cord being as cute as pie.

Renee said...

This is my favorite story you've ever told on the Skip Raid

Owen said...

That....was...hilarious! I was reading it and for the life of me couldn't understand what you were talking about, then I noticed purple diamond studded collar and I burst out laughing! I miss u and Shan and that crazy cat of hers, hope u r doing well!

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.