6.30.2009

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 6: the one where we say goodbye to Babyvoice McGee

Hey turds, guess what day it is today? That's right, It's CANADA DAY! And what better way to celebrate fur trade, white people treating Natives like crap, beer, maple syrup, beavers, and freezing cold Armageddon-like winters like a Canada's Next Top Model re-cap! I know, I really should be nominated for some kind of Canadian Culture Award. Oh, but I don't do it for the awards. Heart of gold, has I. Okay, let's get into it!!


The Mayor: I just yelled at a jar of pickles. I went on a Clark Griswold rant at work. "Hallelujah, holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
Ty: were they kosher pickles? Are you an anti-Semite?
The Mayor: They're Polski Orgorki - the pickles of my people
Ty: Your people are good people. K - models....when you leave the house, you ever think one of the girls top shelved anyone? Like...the girl that left that is.
The Mayor: Oh my god, this just got 10000x more ghetto - a shoot in the CN Tower
Ty: Oh goodness. Cancon
The Mayor: Nikita’s gonna hurl! Barf! Barf! Barf!
Ty: Is Scunty crying? Whaaaaaaaa?
The Mayor: OMG that's Rebecca?!? Wow - she actually looks worse
Ty: She looks a little more than completely different
The Mayor: PS - plastic surgery. Wow, their trip is NYC?? Oh fuck, passports?? That's like the N-word for Maryam; homegirl cringes something serious
Ty: Can't they put her in the trunk like a migrant Mexican worker?
The Mayor: I know! Throw a blonde wig on her and she's waved right through
Ty: Is this a dig at passport Canada? I never realized that Scunty has birth'n hips


The Mayor: I guess Nikita does have some big hips. Wow, this job has turned me into a Gay Man
Ty: “Maybe Obama stayed here?” Yeh...sure...maybe Obama's basketball sneaker collection was housed here
The Mayor: That SO isn't Jay's apartment - you know his home is wall-to-ceiling glitter n' mirrors
Ty: Glitter, mirrors, silver hair dye and anal beads
The Mayor: Ew, does Nikita have a tongue ring?
Ty: I wouldn't doubt it. You know....for the gritty look, not for dirty BJs. As a straight dude, I would hate that...cause as much as it might feel 'different' I would know that the tongue in question was made as such for the insertion of penis only and for sure, there had been more than one trial run
The Mayor: FUCK! Did they just say 'Richie Rich'?!?! FUCK YES!!! HEATHERETTE!!!!!
Ty: Girls changing in cabs....just like the morning after a night with me
The Mayor: Richie Rich is my idol


Ty: I'll tell you something I would do to Meaghan in 2 seconds flat
The Mayor: Ahaha - Meghan jokes - your bread and butter
Ty: Did Linsay have a tat on her ass?


The Mayor: Yes she did. Reserve tats
Ty: Injun tats. I need to go for a bit....Meghan head-bobble joke combined with Meghan in a bikini. Scunty is going to be L-A-T-E…which could stand for Loser About Town Eh? How could anyone not love Meghan?
The Mayor: Meghan is good - she's very enjoyable. What is Maryam doing? Oh, nothing. Dick to the All
Ty: Eating cereal....then barfin it up
The Mayor: SOOOOTAN!!
Ty: SUTAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIS SHIT. Wait....that was a little too gay
The Mayor: Sutan is off the chain. Changing haircolour? Please Sutan, visit me - my hair is diss-gross-ting. "Some people are just born cool...and I'm one of them" – Linsay. Wow, I wish. Some people are born massive dorks...and I'm one of them
Ty: Cause she was born without the 'd' as in the 'd' in 'not an In-d-an. Sutan has admirable scruff. I aspire to that. Can we just forget about Maryam? I feel like I did already
The Mayor: I know - she is such a snorefest. Ambien Express. Nole always mentions products like he's got a knife to his throat


Ty: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mayor: WHAAAAAAAAT is going on there?!?! She looks like a Goth Sandra Bernhart!!!
Ty: Heather's 7 head is TOO MUCH
The Mayor: Linsay looks like the classy Rez mom who reads Cosmo. "Ah lurve me som Mike's Hard Crannbarry Lemminaids!"
Ty: Yeh, she's the one that all the little ones come to for advice on how to use salamander blood for nail polish and pine needles for eye shadow. So Maryam is going home, right?
The Mayor: I dunno - she should go home. She's a tard sandwich
Ty: With a side of Persian ESL
The Mayor: Linsay looks like she's going to our High School Prom. Did you go to prom?
Ty: I did. I hated it. And now I spend all my Spring organizing prom for the school I work at
The Mayor: Ahahaha - that's awesome. Meghan has great style. Love what she's wearing.
Ty: Me too!
The Mayor: What? This job is turning you gay. Wow, that is straight-up cut and paste - that is NOT Photoshop
Ty: Yeh. This is amateur.
The Mayor: Nikita's looks so boring…and yes, dare I say it, Urkel
Ty: she's more Eddie Winslow
The Mayor: Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but her shot is the most believable
Ty: but Linsay still has green skin
The Mayor: Heather's teeth are a little Secret of NIHM
Ty: Yes. They are awful.
The Mayor: Maryam Maryam Maryam...stop talking girl



Ty: WHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAT? She doesn't get things
The Mayor: Maryam is killing me. Oh fuck, Jay?!?! How are you getting fleeced by this!?!?
Ty: Shut up J...she sucks
The Mayor: Maryam's shot was just...so....Canada's Wonderland "Make Me a Model" Booth
Ty: Did Jeanie just throw the axe down on Maryam?
The Mayor: Tru Rez Crew! Liiiiinsay
Ty: easy call
The Mayor: Gawd, Nikita loves crying. The bitchiest girls are the weepiest babies. Maryam?!?!?!!? Whoah!
Ty: WWWWWHHHHHAT??? This is dumb. She's dumb. Go make some goat shawarma



The Mayor: I wanna see Nikita freak out, Celia-style. Heather? Scuntalunt?!?!
Ty: I don't like either of these bitches, but still....this sucks. I feel a boycott coming on
The Mayor: Whoah! Heather is gone?! I predicted she'd be in the top 3! Noooooo!
Ty: Me too. Jay didn't even have anything insightful to say
The Mayor: At least now you can stalk her and make her shimmy her bony ass down your runway
Ty: She's no Meghan
The Mayor: Ahaha. Close second though. Beggars can't be choosers
Ty: True
The Mayor: MISS J!!!!!! Hells to the Yes, Ty Ty!!! You know you’re excited! GET PUMPED
Ty: I am excited. Honest. But I also have to pee

6.28.2009

RIP Billy Mays


God Fucking Dammit!!! What crawled up Jesus' ass that pissed him off so bad he had to start picking people off one by one?? First Ed McMahon; that's fine, the man was old and probably missed Johnny Carson all sorts of bad, so let the man have fun up in Pepaw Heaven. Next it was Farrah Fawcett, and look - this is gonna sound callous, but it's not meant to be, ok? But the woman had cancer for 3 years and she battled it tooth and nail and finally her body gave the fuck up (that's what happens - cancer wins. Cancer is a turd. It's the douchebag of the illness community). Then MJ, which SUCKS cause we have all busted our shit to Billie Jean or Thriller at least once in our lives. But Billy Mays?!? William Motherfucking Mays?!?! Mister OxyClean?! The non-Crystal Meth man's Sham-Wow Vince?!? I am actually really sad about Billy Mays, because he gave me a constant supply of amazing infomercials (and you KNOW how much I love infomercials). And to all my dick-bag friends who keep texting me and emailing me "You killed Billy Mays"...KNOCK IT OFF!! Billy Mays was a class act and it is too soon for jokes. Too soon.

In honor of Billy Mays, the classiest real-life Al Borland in a denim dress shirt, I present to you my favourite Billy Mays dub:

6.26.2009

RIP Michael Jackson


Look, I know that it's gonna be pretty much the status quo today that every blogger, newspaper, LOL Cat, etc will be talking about MJ's death, and - don't get me wrong, I wasn't really a fan - but something seems really sad today. It's not that the King of Pop died yesterday - to me (and most of us) that Michael died right after recording the song from Free Willy. And it's not that we're losing an international star - he was really only big in Japan and Germany, amiright? Hell, we're not even losing a talented musician; we can thank Quincy Jones for Thriller. It's that 3 kids lost their dad yesterday; 3 kids who don't really know their moms. 3 kids who don't really have a support system that is free from fame-whores and money-spongers. Hell, you know you've got it bad when the next best male role model in your life is Jermaine Dupri. And forget about all the child-touching shit - we all know he was pretty inappropriate with those kids - but on the whole he seemed like a decent dad. His kids could go to birthday parties and to the library without having a shitload of papparazzi following them (ahem - Angelina). And when push comes to shove, they will probably be fairly well-adjusted kids. But for now they have to go through the mourning of their dad, their only parent, and that's a fucking tragedy.

RIP MJ - you gave us Beat It, which in turn gave us Weird Al's Eat It, and for that I will always be truly thankful.

6.23.2009

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 5: the one where my cable is down and Ty has to describe the episode to me like I'm Ray Charles

The Mayor: I can't find it!! I think my cable is down or something!
Ty: You're not checking out Dan Levy right now?
The Mayor: I can't see it!!
Ty: is your cable really down?
The Mayor: 11, 14, 20, 22 are black
Ty: Is Ted Roger Jr. fuckin your antenna? damn bitch.....that blows
The Mayor: I'm really pissed right now
Ty: you should be - this is somewhat entertaining. Meaghan just admitted to doing coke. and of course, I'm imagining where she would do a line off of...WHOA Rebbbbbeakkkkka admitted she is GAY GAY GAY
Ty: Heather is getting a little cocky. umm...I suck at this 'recap in chat' shit. Umm...Harry Potter commercial?
The Mayor: what, we're on a commercial?
Ty: your cable situation isn't helping. Oh god....gay Trevor is interviewing them on the red carpet
The Mayor: I love gay Trevor!!! Trevor Boris, right? I want to marry him!!! I'll be his beard
Ty: I saw him once on the TTC...he seemed pissed
The Mayor: he gave you the stink eye? nice
Ty: Linsay seemed quite intelligent...one point for the residential school system


The Mayor: She could be faking it. Like in My Fair Lady
Ty: Trevor liked Meaghan the best...I guess we something in common
you know, other than the liking balls in our face
The Mayor: Meghan is good, I'll give her that, but she talks like a sped. All I hear is "bar bar bar bar I'm Meghan"
Ty: The prize is 4gs at Holt Renfrew and scunty Nikita won.


The Mayor: WHAT?!?!!? I would give what's left of my virginity (spoiler alert: barely anything) for that
Ty: I don't think Holts wants that. I don't think Bargin Harold's wants that. Meaghan just opened up about her injuries and insecurities....I'll let you fill in my comment


The Mayor: “I'll fill her with my insecurity" is what you would say. in this case, insecurity refers to the shame you have over your very small, very inverted penis
Ty: close.....but I was going for “I wish she'd open up about the crazy vag injury I gave her and talk about how insecure she'll be when trying to find another guy like me”
The Mayor: AHAHAHAH you'd injure her with your rampant herpes. "Ow, my itchy vagina! I am very insecure about these weepy sores"
Ty: Meaghan is at the Dentist
The Mayor: time to get out The Big Book of British Smiles
Ty: now they're getting set up to do their photo shoot in pairs. they're trying to sell a phone or some dumb bullshit
The Mayor: what? this is turning into 1 big, lame commercial
Ty: Yeh, it certainly is
The Mayor: who is paired with who?
Ty: Blondies, Marayam and Linsay. how the fuck do you spell that? Miriyam?


The Mayor: Maryam. It should be Miriam...but some parents choose to be assholes
Ty: Mary Am
The Mayor: Trans Am
Ty: Will I Am. So Rebbbbekkkah is paired with scunty, and they hate each other
The Mayor: No doubt. Everybody Hates Scunty
Ty: Oh gawd....they're having a food fight in their loose fitting tops
The Mayor: what?
Ty: I need to go for awhile
The Mayor: you're getting a furious boner right now, I know it. this is what classifies as Canadian Porn - throwing food at each other while wearing shirts that are 2 sizes too big
Ty: there's usually toques involved
The Mayor: And beavers. YOU DECIDE WHICH KIND
Ty: I already have. MAKE IT STOP!
The Mayor: Are they still wrasslin?
Ty: they're getting preened for judging. Rebbbbbbeeehhhakkkka had a minor freak out. Mike looks like he's on Gay Safari
The Mayor: Mike is on the hunt for Ass-Tigers
The Mayor: speaking of ass-tigers, what are you doing for Pride?
Ty: Ummm...I haven't decided yet. I'm suffering from fatigue right now, so I need to see how much I can give.....and by give I mean take. and by take I mean take up the poop shoot
The Mayor: remember - your ass knows no bounds. let your ass be the garbage man and let it take a dozen dirty loads


Ty: Man......Heather has some broke ass teefs


The Mayor: This is some straight-up Nosferatu shit!
Ty: Meaghan stole heather's spotlight. I think Rebbbbbeeeeeekkkkkah is going home
The Mayor: Called it! I knew she was going home from last week. Who is coming in first? I'm gonna guess Meaghan
Ty: I think you're going to win
The Mayor: yeah, it's her time
Ty: Meaghan is #1 in our hearts and in judging and in my dreams. God...Linsay's skin is SOOO green!
The Mayor: Too much weed. Native weed.


Ty: We were right. Rebbbbeehhhaaakkka went home. And scunty was bouncing up and down when it was announced.
The Mayor: Really?? What a bitch!
Ty: Yeh. But that's old news.
The Mayor: Goodbye Rebekkkkkkkah. See you never!

6.17.2009

I had a baby!!!

Sort of!!! I should probably change that to I now own a baby. A baby fish, that is. You didn't think I could actually get pregnant with a human baby, did you? My uterus is filled to the brim with STDs and balloons of cocaine and chicken tetrazzini, and there is no way it would accept a selfish baby building a house inside.

Anyways, meet my little bundle of gills:


I know, right? Fucking adorable. Like a kitten stuffed into a panda. After work, a friend and I decided to go get fish. Our boss came in to our office this morning with her 6-month-old human baby and we were snuggling him and cuddling him and encouraging him to sit up and roll over and then our uteruses started burning so hard for a baby friend. So we decided to placate the ticking timebomb in our ladyparts and get some fish. Since we work downtown, the only pet store for miles is in Chinatown (TRYING SO HARD TO NOT MAKE JOKE). We each paid $9 for our children and $4 for a container of freeze-dried worms. These little fuckers love dried worms - it's like their meth. We also went to a kitchen store in Chinatown and bought $2 bowls for our new kids and a few bbq pork stuffed buns for us because it is mentally taxing to become a single mother and I had to reward myself with delicious Chinese buns.

Anyways, I'm at a loss; I don't know what to name it. Also bad news: I don't know if it's a girl or a boy. There isn't a foolproof way to guage if a fish is a girl or a boy, or gay or straight for that matter. For all I know, I could have a young Harvey Milk in my fishbowl. So what I need are some ideas on what to name it. I sort of liked Judge Judy, because if it's a girl, then that's great, but if it's a boy, then I can say that I named him after Judge Reinhold (the best!). I also like Pyjamas and Cinnamon, and I think I could also get behind Terrance. You tell me - what does this fish look like?


I know, right? I want to name it something good, like Zitty or Pooter. So send me your thoughts! Leave all possible names in the comments! Nothing will be turned down - if all you can come up with is Chuck or Nicky, well, I don't care; I need to know what to call him when I leave for the weekend. "Hey Rocky, mamas gonna go to the dunes this weekend. I left some uncooked pasta on the counter and some Skoal in the fridge. I'll be home on Monday. Luuuurve Yoooooooo!"

UPDATE! I have decided on Gil. I was reminded that Gil is the name of Bill Murray's fish in What About Bob? and is the name of my favourite Simpson's character.

6.14.2009

Chicken Tetrazzini

Okay, so just watch this clip from The Soup:



Now you need to watch this. This is my ringtone, my kitchen timer, the 1st dance song at my wedding, the lullaby I will sing to my children, the song I want played as they lower my ass 6 feet into the ground. Please watch this before it blows up and your Mom is emailing you a link in an email that says "have you heard about Chicken Parmigan?? I LOL-ed so hard!!! It's better than Rick Astley Rolling!"



I have seriously watched this remix about 40 times since Friday. As I type this, I'm actually drawing out a tattoo that reads PAWL LOVE IT drawn in script over a plate of chicken tetrazzini. FUCK!! I want that tattoo! If you draw it out and scan it in, I will (strongly consider) get it on my arm. Or neck. Neck seems like a good choice.

6.11.2009

I Dreamed a Dream (with Zits)


My sister and I are pretty well known for having bizarre dreams; I have mentioned this before. We even had a blog about it way back in the day (but, due to extreme laziness on both our parts, it fell by the wayside). Anyways, I had an awesome dream a couple of nights ago and I thought I'd share.

Okay, so I keep having this reoccurring dream where I miss too many classes and I can't graduate University - and this is totally gay cause I graduated University 3 years ago, so there is no reason that I should have weird school dreams, but I have this dream at least once a month. This dream borrows on that theme, but it's set in present day. I get a call from my high school and they tell me that, due to a computer glitch, I am missing 2 credits and that if I don't come back and re-take the classes, then I will get fired from my job and will have no hope of finding another one. Apparently a lot of high schools had this problem and they're calling back all their students from a specific graduating year. So my boss at work was like "okay, go back, take your two classes, re-graduate, and come back in like 2 months or whatever and we'll see you soon".

I packed up my shit and moved back to my old town. My parents don't live there anymore, so I decided to sublet an apartment and make the best of it. On my first day back, it was so weird - a full school of 15-18 year olds and then like, 100 25-year-olds. For the most part, the kids ignored us - we were just "that year that had the computer fuck-up" so we had our own wing and our own lunch room. Anyways, everyone from my graduating year was back, including the losers who still live in that shitty small town. They were so excited because Wal-Mart and the gas station gave them a leave of absence so they could come back to high school and re-live their glory years. This one guy pulled up in his truck on the first day and started crying and shouting "I'm home! I'm home! This is the happiest day of my life!!!" I was like "fuck this, I wish I could be doing this online" and started rolling in to class in the morning mostly drunk. It didn't matter - all we had to do was take 2 bullshit courses (like, Canadian History or Ecology or something) so you didn't have to be smart or awake.

There was this guy I didn't recognize so I asked a friend who he was. They told me he only came to our school for 2 weeks, but it was when the glitch happened, so technically he needed to repeat the classes at our school and not at the school where he graduated. He was super hot and really funny and cute, but he has HORRIBLE acne. He was instantly adopted by the popular kids (who all re-joined together, but mostly cause they all never left town and still work together at Tim Hortons). I can't remember his name in the dream, so let's just call him Brad. They would always say the same thing: "Oh my god, Brad is so funny! It doesn't even matter that he has terrible acne!" They were constantly mentioning his skin. Even teachers were saying shit like "Brad's a really sharp guy; you almost forget about his skin!"

Anyways, one day Brad sits beside me and goes "Listen, I know that even without my horrible skin I'd probably still be hanging out with the cool kids, but I need to let you know that I'm not like them".

"What? Oh, yeah, sure. I don't give a shit. I'm not happy I'm here doing this make-up class nonsense. So whatever. Do you want something?"

And he keeps pressing me going "I'm not a dickbag, I'm serious. I'm a lot cooler than these hicks. I just needed a group to join, that's all".

"Again, I don't give a fuck."

So he sighs and goes "fine. Maybe this will change your mind" and he slips me a piece of paper with a pencil drawing on it. I turn it over and it's a hand jerking off a can of Diet Coke. There were the up/down lines and everything. Any normal person would look at it and see a person shaking up a can of soda, but I saw a dick joke in it. Why? Because I have major issues is why and I can turn anything normal into something inappropriate. So I look at him and go "will you marry me?" and he says "yes. I was waiting for you to say that forever".

And then I wake up.

Okay, anyone who has had contact with me over the past week could easily analyze this dream. The high school stuff is based on me talking about my 10-year High School reunion. There is this girl I went to high school with who has been planning it for the past like, 4 years (get a life) and I mentioned to someone that I don't want to go because I don't think I could control my asshole-ness at it. I would probably say something about how I'm so happy I didn't get pregnant by my high school boyfriend who now works for a landscaping company and totally ruined my life, and I'd end up insulting 60% of the girls there, so it just wouldn't be worth it. Plus, Facebook lets me know who is successful and who is a fucking loser, so I don't need a reunion to talk about how awesome high school was and how it was the best years of our lives (seriously? Get over it).

The guy with really bad skin is based on a waiter we had last Thursday when we went out for dinner after my sister's graduation. He had HORRIBLE skin and I told my mom that I want to marry someone like that because I love dermatology and zits and stuff and we would be perfect for each other: he has zits that need to be picked, I love picking zits - it's a match made in heaven, really.

The coke-can jerking off? Well, that's probably in reference to Zach Galifinakis from The Hangover in the scene where he is manipulating the baby's arm to make it look like he's beating off. Gross, but also sort of funny.

Okay guys, see you on Monday. Have a great weekend! Masturbate a Diet Coke can for me!

6.09.2009

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 3: The one where Nikita is a bitch and Ebonie is delusional

Ty: WOW - this is a little sexual
The Mayor: Whoah! Tara! Jizz on the face much?? Rebekkah looked like a tard. This is like a fucking MySpace photo shoot.
Ty: looks like a tard? more like a card carrying Tardclub member (they get discounts on suspenders)
The Mayor: Nikita is a fucking biiiiiiiiiiich! Pfft - you are a failure. Betty Draper is actually doing well! Meghan is the CNTM Allison.


Ty: Oh shit. That's totes Betty.
The Mayor: These look like the Juergen Teller for Marc Jacobs. Good job Lens-aye.
Ty: Gamgam can't eat fruit! it gives her the runs. The scoots.
The Mayor: Ahahahah - fruit is nature's broom. Ebonie is from Bahamas?? What is she, Rihanna? Fuck - Maryam doesn't have a visa or a passport or something. Did Nikita just say shit balls dick fuck?


Ty: I suppose....is she a terrorist? Nikita is class, pure class.
The Mayor: Fuck, who DOESN'T have a passport?? It takes all of 30 minutes to wait in line and apply. THANK YOU Linsay - I have no sympathy for tards.
Ty: WAIT - did you see that animated Jay looking like the big dude from Prozzak?
The Mayor: Nassau, Bahamas - courtesy of iTravel2000.com...call 1-866-wow-deal (and get away for less)
Ty: Jonathon Carroll going to be there?
The Mayor: I wish! That man is haaaaaaat! Fuck, have none of them ever been on a vacation before?
Ty: Nole could easily pass for a migrant worker
The Mayor: This shoot is going to be all kinds of boring Castaway Brides?? The fuck? Ooh! I want that dress.
Ty: All these ugmo photographers just make Nigel look better - and kill my dream of becoming a photographer just to pray on the bruised egos I create with my stinging criticism of their modeling abilities.
The Mayor: Tara fucked uuuup.
Ty: 'model pain'? is that like, the pain of your boobs disappearing
The Mayor: The pain of never having a period again?


Ty: Wait.....is Linsay an Injun? is that why there's no D in her name?
The Mayor: wait - who punched who?
Ty: Linsay apparently did.
The Mayor: Rebekkah CLEARLY has Rain Man-levels of Autism. Like you! Jokes.


Ty: Yeah! I would love to be Rain Man...I could freak out at any time and get out of any situation. Like....'ahhhhhhhh.....a phone bill! I hate those...ahhhhhhhh' and then Charlie would show up and make it go away. Did you get that Linsay thing? That she grew up on a reserve? North of Edmonton?
The Mayor: She did? She's a Gas-Sniffer? A Boozer, a User, and a Loser?...wait, that's Jerri Blank
Ty: Bitch is gonna get swept away like a hipster haircut.
The Mayor: "fuck! she cried! that bitch!" you said it, guuuurl. "Heather...Meghan...." no kidding - you two are interchangeable
Ty: yes. I dream about both equally
The Mayor: rude!! nobody needs to imagine you and your j-mail
Ty: I had something ruder typed, but I got some flack for being too crass last week. I think it was the hands down my pants line.
The Mayor: What? I loved the hands down the pants line! Ebonie's ego is getting out of hand - she's defs going to be in the bottom two this week
Ty: So....I have a bit of a thing for Meagan now. It's not the braces...I have no desire to feel what it would be like to lick R2D2. I think it may be the ears.
The Mayor: Okay, I am seriously involved with a bag of Jalapeno Jack from Kernels
Ty: Involved to the point where you're going to introduce them to your parents?
The Mayor: Oh yeah, jalapeno jack is the fucking shit.

Whoah!!! Ebonie's face is ICK! NAST! Oh fuck, Ebonie! No!!!! You're gone girl!!!!!
Ty: It looks grotesque...how could that be anything but a fucking horrendous criticism? No one says 'actually I disagree' in an island accent and gets away with it.
The Mayor: Oh Linsay - what's with the bangs? Girl needs some lessons
Ty: Lessons on buying Rez smokes?
The Mayor: Rebekkah's is great, but she thought about a dead dog? Uh....so, she's a virgin then? Meghan looks like Zuul from Ghostbusters.


Ty: Don't leave me Meagan! Wouldn't be the first time I said that to a girl from Winnipeg...oh gawd...too much personal pain!
The Mayor: uh....what?
Ty: I'm becoming too real!!!
The Mayor: So clearly there is a Meghan out there with an airtight restraining order on you.
Ty: Airtight....
The Mayor: Am I missing something? Do you get down on the brown (liquor, that is)? That's a native joke; they love brown liquor. Maryam's is like...meh.
Ty: Can we stop the use of 'kudos'?


The Mayor: Nikita-Bitchita - wow - that is so Corpse Bride but in a terrible, lazy way.
Ty: that was great 'suck it up and do the job' I use that line ALL THE TIME (the caps make it more believable, right??)
The Mayor: Yeah - it definitely doesn't make me think you say it to yourself while you're bent-over on your bed trying to auto-fellate yourself. Ooooooh - TOO CLOSE TO HOME. But you have, right? all guys try it. Don't lie. YOU SO HAVE!!! and recently, I bet.
Ty: I'm sure we all tried it once
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Ty: But unless you have a rib and some vertebrae removed, there's really no point in trying again it's not like you grow the ability to do it over night maybe that's why guys go to yoga
The Mayor: Rebekkah is going to get #1 this week. Linsay – meh. Ebonie - meh meh. OMG - she is so Edith Piaf!!!
Ty: she is. totes
The Mayor: Nikita is a straight-up scunt.
Ty: but...she'd probably be crazy in bed which, you know, makes up for things....always
The Mayor: Oh yeah, but she'll make your dick itch - trust
Ty: Just like a big wang makes up for all the shitty things guys do, right?
The Mayor: Absolutely
Ty: okay....so who's going! EBONIE!
The Mayor: Nikita or Ebonie. Jay hates Nikita, so ...it's a toss up Heather?!?!?!?! THE FACK? Meghan next? What?
Ty: Should have been female Raymond Babbitt oh god...I just had a moment
The Mayor: Maryam now? Whoah, Rebekkah is getting she shaft. HEY-O (dick joke).
Ty: Meaghan...'I would totally be down for that' - I can think of so many things I would like that to be the answer to.
The Mayor: knew you were going to say that. Nikita??? Did we already forget about her being a massive bee-sting??
Ty: brown cut-down! Ebonie looks 40+


The Mayor: Erm - this is turning into Canada's Next Top White Model. It's gonna be Tara. HOLLA!!!!!!!!!! Ebonie is going back to folding sweaters at Talbots! She is PISSED - look at her. If looks could kill, she'd have burned down urrbody in there are motherfucking Carrie White.
Ty: Whateves...Ebonie was going to start putting on weight really soon. and that would have been awkward for everyone PANIC ATTACK next week! Fun! other's public pain is great
The Mayor: I know - I live for this Rebekkah is going to start thinking of her dead Shi-Tzu and then it's all downhill.

6.08.2009

A Very Lazy Canada vs. Merica

Today's C vs. M is a little convoluted, but it works. Okay, so last week my sister and I were at Value Village. For my Canadian readers, you know that Value Village is the Mecca of second-hand shit. You can get the best clothes there and like, 90% of the people I know have furnished their home completely with things from VV. It has many nicknames: VV Boutique, The Illage, Village du Valeur (en Francais) but mostly people just rush the words together like Vallavillage. Now, in Merica, you have the exact same thing (it's owned by the same company) called Savers. I know, it doesn't have the same ring to it as Value Village; Savers sounds like a place where single moms go to buy off-brand diapers, and Value Village sounds like a quaint little hamlet where people go to purchase special treasures. Plus, Value Village doesn't have homeless men defecating in the aisles (ahem...Goodwill).
But I will say this about Value Village - they aren't picky with what they sell. For instance, one time I saw a dress with vomit all down the front. I told my sister about it and she goes "Oh yeah! That purple one! That was gross!" and I was like "Uh...no, this one was beige. You mean there are two dresses in this store that are covered in vomit?" Also, the picture frame section is amazing. Not only do they not remove the picture inside, like this one:


Need I remind you that this was in someone's house? I'd really like to imagine this was taken on their honeymoon in Nassau (mildy appropriate) and not on a family vacation (wildly innappropriate). And sometimes you get a frame with the original picture in it...sort of:


"Madison! We don't talk like that. It's Please take me to ice cream." But I love the idea of getting on someone's shoulders like Master Blaster and kicking them in the ribs and shouting "H'yah! To the living room! I desire television!!" Unfortunately, I'm 5'11, so the chance of me finding someone tall enough and strong enough to carry me on their shoulders limits me to a Gheorghe Mure┼čan / Manuel Uribe hybrid.

Anyways, the second part of this C vs. M is dedicated to my boss who just returned from a vacation in California and brought me back some Tylenol PM. We don't actually have this in Canada, and it's a damn shame. It's really a simple drug: 10 parts regular Tylenol to 1 part sleeping pill. That's it. It will take away a headache or sore back and will lull you off to sleep. It's genius, and yet the Canadian FDA doesn't think it's safe or some bullshit. And yes, it's true that Americans self-medicate mroe than anyone else on this planet, there is something to be said for practicality. I find that regular Tylenol keeps me awake; that means that if I have a splitting headache, I have the choice to a) go to bed and try to fight my way through it or b) take a Tylenol and stay up till 2am. Nonsense. Plus, have you ever had Neo-Citran? It's Tylenol PM in liquid lemon form. Canada can be so backwards sometimes.

6.04.2009

Big-ups to my sister today!

Today my sister is graduating from University aka Art School aka Not A Real University. I joke! I joke cause I went there too. I won't name names, but it's the very famous Ontario art school that takes 20 grand and gives you exciting job opportunities such as: waiter, swing-shift manager at H&M, professional bum, and drug dealer. I know, right? Amazing! Anyways, she actually worked much harder than I did when I went there, and because of that I have put on my Sunday Best and will be sitting through 5 hours of name-calling and honorary degree-giving.

So what's today's post about? Uh...I'm not sure...here's a picture of a shirtless Russel Brand to placate you. Enjoy!

6.03.2009

CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 2: Random Thoughts w/ Ty

Okay, so last night Ty and I didn't watch CNTM together; he was at his house, I was at an ice cream party. The upside was that ice cream is delicious. The downside is that we only have notes from one of us today. Sorry! Originally I asked Ty to send me his thoughts on last night's episode and I would add to them but honestly? His comments were way funnier than I could have thought up, even though at times he is so off-topic that it's like reading a CNTM essay by Rain Man. So sit back and enjoy all that is Ty being funny, while I silently cry because I can't think up new jokes.

When did this become a Crest commercial? Nole's authentic enthusiasm for product placement rivals his enthusiasm for coochie.

So who's going home? I bet on Jill - she loves the cock more than she loves modeling. Looking at the group after make-overs is really underwhelming - Jill looks even more like a tart - I love that word, tart. When Jshe looks at her self in the mirror she sees the shadows of balls resting on her chin. Jill's roots are more tragic than a little girl AND a puppy stuck down a well - question: aren't roots to girls super embarrassing? Isn't it akin to having a treasure trail? So, over under.....how many dicks has Jill sucked: 35 - over/ under? I'm going to go with over.

Obviously Jay's learned a little bit of drama / narcissism from Tyra - violation of the fashion code? Isn’t this a little old? How many times have 'fashion crimes been mentioned and used as an incredible boring vignette or the entire basis for a show (Clinton, I'm looking at your flaming ass)? Jay hates the word fierce? How does he survive Tyra? Man, he must have a serious drinking problem.

I hate that they're in the Holt's on Bloor - this whole Toronto thing takes away all the mystic from the show, like, I feel as if I have somewhat of a chance with these girls (especially Jill - I could convince her I play for the leafs or maybe she'd been impressed if I even know what the 'leafers' are or that I have leaf in my car that blew in during the fall and even though it's June, it's still stuck under my passenger side floor mat - she'd like that). God - this entire show makes me want to move out of Toronto. Oh fuck - the AGO? I HATE that I've been exactly where there's a photo shoot - did you know that I get into the AGO for free? Shit yes I do.

Linsay's skin looks green - I mean, there's olive, but......she's closer to pickle.

Maryam is going to win - hands down (my pants!) - wait...gross, you don't need to know that and come to think of it....she kinda freaks me out, she looks like an extra from the Scorpion King.

Meaghan looks so much less 'Winni' with her blonde do - did you know that we call queen and Bathurst 'little Winnipeg'? Or 'mini winni' for short? Nothing beats a good native people joke - the braces must be seriously setting off some dude's fetish to have his wiener dragged through a barbed wire fence, either that or to relive high school.

Ebonie looks like someone's mom - who's going to pick the kid's up from soccer practice and fall asleep watching Jag reruns. Ebonie totes shops at Smart Set.

Rebeccah...ummm....

Very few girls can pull off that incredi-short bang look- Nikita isn't one of them. Man, nothing is classier than a short banged 'Muppet' swearing all over the place - I'm sure Fozzie's comedy routine would have worked a lot better if he could drop f bombs like it was the bizarro cold war. Umm....also...was Nikita on the can? Man....fetish hounds are going to love this shit - ha!

Why are they all calling their moms? This makes them even more accessible / unattractive.

Wow - a build an outfit challenge at H&M? How much do you want to bet that their outfits fall apart at the seams before Jay can even look at them? I swear that Madonna must pee on those clothes or something - everything I have ever bought from there loses it shape like a post marriage suburban wife after the first wash.

Does that one dude have 10 abs? Is that possible? Where does the food go? Do you think those male models get tired of flexing? Isn't it so much easier to be a girl model? I mean, all you need to do is not eat - dudes, they have to do a lot of work.