CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 3: The one where Nikita is a bitch and Ebonie is delusional

Ty: WOW - this is a little sexual
The Mayor: Whoah! Tara! Jizz on the face much?? Rebekkah looked like a tard. This is like a fucking MySpace photo shoot.
Ty: looks like a tard? more like a card carrying Tardclub member (they get discounts on suspenders)
The Mayor: Nikita is a fucking biiiiiiiiiiich! Pfft - you are a failure. Betty Draper is actually doing well! Meghan is the CNTM Allison.

Ty: Oh shit. That's totes Betty.
The Mayor: These look like the Juergen Teller for Marc Jacobs. Good job Lens-aye.
Ty: Gamgam can't eat fruit! it gives her the runs. The scoots.
The Mayor: Ahahahah - fruit is nature's broom. Ebonie is from Bahamas?? What is she, Rihanna? Fuck - Maryam doesn't have a visa or a passport or something. Did Nikita just say shit balls dick fuck?

Ty: I suppose....is she a terrorist? Nikita is class, pure class.
The Mayor: Fuck, who DOESN'T have a passport?? It takes all of 30 minutes to wait in line and apply. THANK YOU Linsay - I have no sympathy for tards.
Ty: WAIT - did you see that animated Jay looking like the big dude from Prozzak?
The Mayor: Nassau, Bahamas - courtesy of iTravel2000.com...call 1-866-wow-deal (and get away for less)
Ty: Jonathon Carroll going to be there?
The Mayor: I wish! That man is haaaaaaat! Fuck, have none of them ever been on a vacation before?
Ty: Nole could easily pass for a migrant worker
The Mayor: This shoot is going to be all kinds of boring Castaway Brides?? The fuck? Ooh! I want that dress.
Ty: All these ugmo photographers just make Nigel look better - and kill my dream of becoming a photographer.
The Mayor: Tara fucked uuuup.
Ty: 'model pain'? is that like, the pain of your boobs disappearing
The Mayor: The pain of never having a period again?

Ty: Wait.....Linsay? is that why there's no D in her name?
The Mayor: wait - who punched who?
Ty: Linsay apparently did.
The Mayor: Rebekkah CLEARLY has Rain Man-levels of Autism. Like you! Jokes.

Ty: Yeah! I would love to be Rain Man...I could freak out at any time and get out of any situation. Like....'ahhhhhhhh.....a phone bill! I hate those...ahhhhhhhh' and then Charlie would show up and make it go away. Did you get that Linsay thing? That she grew up on a reserve? North of Edmonton?Bitch is gonna get swept away like a hipster haircut.
The Mayor: "fuck! she cried! that bitch!" you said it, guuuurl. "Heather...Meghan...." no kidding - you two are interchangeable
Ty: yes. I dream about both equally
The Mayor: rude!! nobody needs to imagine you and your j-mail
Ty: I had something ruder typed, but I got some flack for being too crass last week. I think it was the hands down my pants line.
The Mayor: What? I loved the hands down the pants line! Ebonie's ego is getting out of hand - she's defs going to be in the bottom two this week
Ty: So....I have a bit of a thing for Meagan now. It's not the braces...I have no desire to feel what it would be like to lick R2D2. I think it may be the ears.
The Mayor: Okay, I am seriously involved with a bag of Jalapeno Jack from Kernels
Ty: Involved to the point where you're going to introduce them to your parents?
The Mayor: Oh yeah, jalapeno jack is the fucking shit.

Whoah!!! Ebonie's face is ICK! NAST! Oh fuck, Ebonie! No!!!! You're gone girl!!!!!
Ty: It looks grotesque...how could that be anything but a fucking horrendous criticism? No one says 'actually I disagree' in an island accent and gets away with it.
The Mayor: Oh Linsay - what's with the bangs? Girl needs some lessons. Rebekkah's is great, but she thought about a dead dog? Uh....so, she's a virgin then? Meghan looks like Zuul from Ghostbusters.

Ty: Don't leave me Meagan! Wouldn't be the first time I said that to a girl from Winnipeg...oh gawd...too much personal pain!
The Mayor: uh....what?
Ty: I'm becoming too real!!!
The Mayor: So clearly there is a Meghan out there with an airtight restraining order on you.
Ty: Airtight....
The Mayor: Am I missing something? Maryam's is like...meh.
Ty: Can we stop the use of 'kudos'?

The Mayor: Nikita-Bitchita - wow - that is so Corpse Bride but in a terrible, lazy way.
Ty: that was great 'suck it up and do the job' I use that line ALL THE TIME (the caps make it more believable, right??)
The Mayor: Yeah - it definitely doesn't make me think you say it to yourself while you're bent-over on your bed trying to auto-fellate yourself. Ooooooh - TOO CLOSE TO HOME. But you have, right? all guys try it. Don't lie. YOU SO HAVE!!! and recently, I bet.
Ty: I'm sure we all tried it once
Ty: But unless you have a rib and some vertebrae removed, there's really no point in trying again it's not like you grow the ability to do it over night maybe that's why guys go to yoga
The Mayor: Rebekkah is going to get #1 this week. Linsay – meh. Ebonie - meh meh. OMG - she is so Edith Piaf!!!
Ty: she is. totes
The Mayor: Nikita is a straight-up scunt.
Ty: but...she'd probably be crazy in bed which, you know, makes up for things....always
The Mayor: Oh yeah, but she'll make your dick itch - trust
Ty: Just like a big wang makes up for all the shitty things guys do, right?
The Mayor: Absolutely
Ty: okay....so who's going! EBONIE!
The Mayor: Nikita or Ebonie. Jay hates Nikita, so ...it's a toss up Heather?!?!?!?! THE FACK? Meghan next? What?
Ty: Should have been female Raymond Babbitt oh god...I just had a moment
The Mayor: Maryam now? Whoah, Rebekkah is getting she shaft. HEY-O (dick joke).
Ty: Meaghan...'I would totally be down for that' - I can think of so many things I would like that to be the answer to.
The Mayor: knew you were going to say that. Nikita??? Did we already forget about her being a massive bee-sting??
Ty: brown cut-down! Ebonie looks 40+

The Mayor: Erm - this is turning into Canada's Next Top White Model. It's gonna be Tara. HOLLA!!!!!!!!!! Ebonie is going back to folding sweaters at Talbots! She is PISSED - look at her. If looks could kill, she'd have burned down urrbody in there are motherfucking Carrie White.
Ty: Whateves...Ebonie was going to start putting on weight really soon. and that would have been awkward for everyone PANIC ATTACK next week! Fun! other's public pain is great
The Mayor: I know - I live for this Rebekkah is going to start thinking of her dead Shi-Tzu and then it's all downhill.


dylan said...

is it just me or does rebecca look like mr. bean with blond hair?

The Mayor said...

OMG, you are so right - she's like Mr. Bean's blonde sister, sans mole-face.

Alice said...

Best part - Nikita actually CRYING on camera about not getting enough sleep!

Worst part - Nikita crying about getting what looked like a paper cut on her foot.

Meaghan gets free invisaligns - good for you Winnipeg, those things are bloody expensive!