CNTM Cycle 3, Episode 5: the one where my cable is down and Ty has to describe the episode to me like I'm Ray Charles

The Mayor: I can't find it!! I think my cable is down or something!
Ty: You're not checking out Dan Levy right now?
The Mayor: I can't see it!!
Ty: is your cable really down?
The Mayor: 11, 14, 20, 22 are black
Ty: Is Ted Roger Jr. fuckin your antenna? damn bitch.....that blows
The Mayor: I'm really pissed right now
Ty: you should be - this is somewhat entertaining. Meaghan just admitted to doing coke. and of course, I'm imagining where she would do a line off of...WHOA Rebbbbbeakkkkka admitted she is GAY GAY GAY
Ty: Heather is getting a little cocky. umm...I suck at this 'recap in chat' shit. Umm...Harry Potter commercial?
The Mayor: what, we're on a commercial?
Ty: your cable situation isn't helping. Oh god....gay Trevor is interviewing them on the red carpet
The Mayor: I love gay Trevor!!! Trevor Boris, right? I want to marry him!!! I'll be his beard
Ty: I saw him once on the TTC...he seemed pissed
The Mayor: he gave you the stink eye? nice
Ty: Linsay seemed quite intelligent...one point for the residential school system

The Mayor: She could be faking it. Like in My Fair Lady
Ty: Trevor liked Meaghan the best...I guess we something in common
you know, other than the liking balls in our face
The Mayor: Meghan is good, I'll give her that, but she talks like a sped. All I hear is "bar bar bar bar I'm Meghan"
Ty: The prize is 4gs at Holt Renfrew and scunty Nikita won.

The Mayor: WHAT?!?!!? I would give what's left of my virginity (spoiler alert: barely anything) for that
Ty: I don't think Holts wants that. I don't think Bargin Harold's wants that. Meaghan just opened up about her injuries and insecurities....I'll let you fill in my comment

The Mayor: “I'll fill her with my insecurity" is what you would say. in this case, insecurity refers to the shame you have over your very small, very inverted penis
Ty: close.....but I was going for “I wish she'd open up about the crazy vag injury I gave her and talk about how insecure she'll be when trying to find another guy like me”
The Mayor: AHAHAHAH you'd injure her with your rampant herpes. "Ow, my itchy vagina! I am very insecure about these weepy sores"
Ty: Meaghan is at the Dentist
The Mayor: time to get out The Big Book of British Smiles
Ty: now they're getting set up to do their photo shoot in pairs. they're trying to sell a phone or some dumb bullshit
The Mayor: what? this is turning into 1 big, lame commercial
Ty: Yeh, it certainly is
The Mayor: who is paired with who?
Ty: Blondies, Marayam and Linsay. how the fuck do you spell that? Miriyam?

The Mayor: Maryam. It should be Miriam...but some parents choose to be assholes
Ty: Mary Am
The Mayor: Trans Am
Ty: Will I Am. So Rebbbbekkkah is paired with scunty, and they hate each other
The Mayor: No doubt. Everybody Hates Scunty
Ty: Oh gawd....they're having a food fight in their loose fitting tops
The Mayor: what?
Ty: I need to go for awhile
The Mayor: you're getting a furious boner right now, I know it. this is what classifies as Canadian Porn - throwing food at each other while wearing shirts that are 2 sizes too big
Ty: there's usually toques involved
The Mayor: And beavers. YOU DECIDE WHICH KIND
Ty: I already have. MAKE IT STOP!
The Mayor: Are they still wrasslin?
Ty: they're getting preened for judging. Rebbbbbbeeehhhakkkka had a minor freak out. Mike looks like he's on Gay Safari
The Mayor: Mike is on the hunt for Ass-Tigers
The Mayor: speaking of ass-tigers, what are you doing for Pride?
Ty: Ummm...I haven't decided yet. I'm suffering from fatigue right now, so I need to see how much I can give.....and by give I mean take. and by take I mean take up the poop shoot
The Mayor: remember - your ass knows no bounds. let your ass be the garbage man and let it take a dozen dirty loads

Ty: Man......Heather has some broke ass teefs

The Mayor: This is some straight-up Nosferatu shit!
Ty: Meaghan stole heather's spotlight. I think Rebbbbbeeeeeekkkkkah is going home
The Mayor: Called it! I knew she was going home from last week. Who is coming in first? I'm gonna guess Meaghan
Ty: I think you're going to win
The Mayor: yeah, it's her time
Ty: Meaghan is #1 in our hearts and in judging and in my dreams. God...Linsay's skin is SOOO green!
The Mayor: Too much weed. Native weed.

Ty: We were right. Rebbbbeehhhaaakkka went home. And scunty was bouncing up and down when it was announced.
The Mayor: Really?? What a bitch!
Ty: Yeh. But that's old news.
The Mayor: Goodbye Rebekkkkkkkah. See you never!


ilana said...

When you say "let your ass be the garbage man" I can only think how convenient that would be for so many considering the strike. Is this inappropriate considering I've never met Ty?

The Mayor said...

Nope - totally acceptable

ty said...

oh yes, please shove all the used kleenex, condom packages and poop covered socks right up in there....I'm sure it's all good for my prostate.