6.11.2009

I Dreamed a Dream (with Zits)


My sister and I are pretty well known for having bizarre dreams; I have mentioned this before. We even had a blog about it way back in the day (but, due to extreme laziness on both our parts, it fell by the wayside). Anyways, I had an awesome dream a couple of nights ago and I thought I'd share.

Okay, so I keep having this reoccurring dream where I miss too many classes and I can't graduate University - and this is totally gay cause I graduated University 3 years ago, so there is no reason that I should have weird school dreams, but I have this dream at least once a month. This dream borrows on that theme, but it's set in present day. I get a call from my high school and they tell me that, due to a computer glitch, I am missing 2 credits and that if I don't come back and re-take the classes, then I will get fired from my job and will have no hope of finding another one. Apparently a lot of high schools had this problem and they're calling back all their students from a specific graduating year. So my boss at work was like "okay, go back, take your two classes, re-graduate, and come back in like 2 months or whatever and we'll see you soon".

I packed up my shit and moved back to my old town. My parents don't live there anymore, so I decided to sublet an apartment and make the best of it. On my first day back, it was so weird - a full school of 15-18 year olds and then like, 100 25-year-olds. For the most part, the kids ignored us - we were just "that year that had the computer fuck-up" so we had our own wing and our own lunch room. Anyways, everyone from my graduating year was back, including the losers who still live in that shitty small town. They were so excited because Wal-Mart and the gas station gave them a leave of absence so they could come back to high school and re-live their glory years. This one guy pulled up in his truck on the first day and started crying and shouting "I'm home! I'm home! This is the happiest day of my life!!!" I was like "fuck this, I wish I could be doing this online" and started rolling in to class in the morning mostly drunk. It didn't matter - all we had to do was take 2 bullshit courses (like, Canadian History or Ecology or something) so you didn't have to be smart or awake.

There was this guy I didn't recognize so I asked a friend who he was. They told me he only came to our school for 2 weeks, but it was when the glitch happened, so technically he needed to repeat the classes at our school and not at the school where he graduated. He was super hot and really funny and cute, but he has HORRIBLE acne. He was instantly adopted by the popular kids (who all re-joined together, but mostly cause they all never left town and still work together at Tim Hortons). I can't remember his name in the dream, so let's just call him Brad. They would always say the same thing: "Oh my god, Brad is so funny! It doesn't even matter that he has terrible acne!" They were constantly mentioning his skin. Even teachers were saying shit like "Brad's a really sharp guy; you almost forget about his skin!"

Anyways, one day Brad sits beside me and goes "Listen, I know that even without my horrible skin I'd probably still be hanging out with the cool kids, but I need to let you know that I'm not like them".

"What? Oh, yeah, sure. I don't give a shit. I'm not happy I'm here doing this make-up class nonsense. So whatever. Do you want something?"

And he keeps pressing me going "I'm not a dickbag, I'm serious. I'm a lot cooler than these hicks. I just needed a group to join, that's all".

"Again, I don't give a fuck."

So he sighs and goes "fine. Maybe this will change your mind" and he slips me a piece of paper with a pencil drawing on it. I turn it over and it's a hand jerking off a can of Diet Coke. There were the up/down lines and everything. Any normal person would look at it and see a person shaking up a can of soda, but I saw a dick joke in it. Why? Because I have major issues is why and I can turn anything normal into something inappropriate. So I look at him and go "will you marry me?" and he says "yes. I was waiting for you to say that forever".

And then I wake up.

Okay, anyone who has had contact with me over the past week could easily analyze this dream. The high school stuff is based on me talking about my 10-year High School reunion. There is this girl I went to high school with who has been planning it for the past like, 4 years (get a life) and I mentioned to someone that I don't want to go because I don't think I could control my asshole-ness at it. I would probably say something about how I'm so happy I didn't get pregnant by my high school boyfriend who now works for a landscaping company and totally ruined my life, and I'd end up insulting 60% of the girls there, so it just wouldn't be worth it. Plus, Facebook lets me know who is successful and who is a fucking loser, so I don't need a reunion to talk about how awesome high school was and how it was the best years of our lives (seriously? Get over it).

The guy with really bad skin is based on a waiter we had last Thursday when we went out for dinner after my sister's graduation. He had HORRIBLE skin and I told my mom that I want to marry someone like that because I love dermatology and zits and stuff and we would be perfect for each other: he has zits that need to be picked, I love picking zits - it's a match made in heaven, really.

The coke-can jerking off? Well, that's probably in reference to Zach Galifinakis from The Hangover in the scene where he is manipulating the baby's arm to make it look like he's beating off. Gross, but also sort of funny.

Okay guys, see you on Monday. Have a great weekend! Masturbate a Diet Coke can for me!

1 comment:

Billiard Supplies said...

OMG, this is it, I'm now a subscriber, this is the by far the funniest / grossest and weirdest video i've ever watched while eating a pbj sandwich!