7.27.2009

And now for a word about the Summer posting schedule...


I know - I'm sure you probably snickered at the title ("pfft...what schedule?") but I probably should have mentioned this earlier in the month, but July has crept up on me so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was having my annual "Thank God it's Finally Summer! Chili Cook-Out and Meth Smoke-Off", and now all of a sudden it's July 27th. Weird. Anyways, if you haven't figured out by now, I don't post as regularily in the summer months. Why? Because I'm too busy laying outside getting skin cancer and trashing my liver with enough low-grade booze to put a circus elephant out for surgery. But really, isn't that what summer is all about? Exactly. Now if you don't mind, I need to hit up the free clinic for some cream. I won't go indo details what its for, but let's just say it relieves itching and burning.

Love you long time!
- The Mayor

7.22.2009

I love Dash Snow but I hates heroin


So I was up at my parent's house reading the newspaper on Saturday when I found out that Dash Snow, a pretty useless guy who made some ok art, overdosed on heroin. I hate to sound callous, but he's pretty much everyone I hate: rich NYC parents, hasn't worked a day in his life, drugs and clothes and parties all the time. And that's cool, if that's what you're into, but I've personally been working every day of my life since I was 13 and paying my own bills and shit, so I have very little sympathy for someone who squanders their life like that. However - Dash Snow was my 1st year university crush. He was in an issue of AdBusters and was shirtless and wearing a balaclava and smiling. He was so gorgeous and 18-year-old me really wanted to find a boyfriend just like him. I wish I could find it, but I threw out all my old copies of AdBusters when I realized I wasn't a sad-sack hippie dirtbag loser. Anywhogivesashit, Dash Snow's death made me think back to this great piece that Gavin McInnes wrote about heroin. I think it's pretty important. But what do I know? I freebase NeoCitran. Maybe just listen to me this once, k? Don't ever do heroin.
Loves You,
TM

7.19.2009

CNTM Cycle 3: The Last Episode!

Okay, so it has been almost a week since the finale of Canada's Next Top Model, Cycle 3 aired. Have I given your lazy asses enough time to watch it? Can I finally discuss it without giving away any spoilers? Okay, so first let me say that Ty wasn't able to watch the final episode with me; he's been slacking and this is his SECOND missed finale. I know, he's been given his pink slip and has been asked to clear out his desk. Fucking fired. Anyicantfirehimheworksforfree, regardless of whether or not Ty and I watched together, I wanted to make this last CNTM post a really good one. Since Canada's Next Top Model only tapes once every 2 years (I know, we just don't have the budget for it) I wanted to make sure I could get in as much as possible, because before you know it, we'll be back to Tyra and her rag-tag group of Special Olympians. Alright, enough chit-chat...it's time for the
CANADA'S NEXT TOP MODEL AWARDS!

The "Definitely Not in it For the Drugs" Award goes to Meghan, to whom I give a solid 2 months before she is hopelessly addicted to coke. How many times did she mention that walking the runway was "the best high"? Really? Better than Ketamine? (Joke generously donated by my friend Matt)


The "Back to the Rez" Award goes, of course, to Linsay, who will hopefully go home and pack up her mukluks and move to Toronto (and bring me back a ziploc of those cheap rez smokes, k?). You all know I was rooting for Linsay; she really was the underdog in this competition (I still think the judges made a lazy decision) and hopefully she doesn't throw up her hands with an "Oh wellz, I tried".


The "You Can Do It!" Award goes to the blind stylist who picked out Meghan and Linsay's judgment dresses. Good for you! Don't let anyone tell you that being visually impaired will prevent you from picking out eye-rapingly-hideous clothing.


The "Best Nickname for A Contestant" Award goes to my Mother, who started calling Nikita Makita the Power Tool. Clever and Punny!


The Award for "Taking Fierce Up a Notch to Fucking Frightening" goes to everyone's favourite catwalk-stomper, Linsay - who managed to scare the shit out of me while she was walking down the runway. Maybe it's the bedazzled nipples on her slut-suit, or maybe it's the look of pure terror she's shooting from her eyes like a cyborg, but whatever it was, it gave me a serious case of the bed-wets.


The "Don't Touch Me, Bitch!!!" Award goes to Nikita's very effective bitch-slap-with-her-eyes after she was eliminated. Meghan went to give her a "so srry yr out" hug and Nikita shot her the same look you give to a homeless person who is taking a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. That's why I love you girl!


The "I Can't Believe I'm Actually Admitting This" Award goes to Myself, for actually admitting that I like Jay Manuel has a host more than I like Tyra. I have to give it to him - he's tolerable in several ways. No wonder Tyra hates his ass; he's gunning for her job.


The "Hey, Dumpy Horse Butts; They Happen to A Lot of Girls" Award goes to Nikita, who was clearly voted out due to her ginormous ass and thighs. Those are some chair-breakers! Bitch better lay off the Mars bars and get on a treadmill (I kid cause I WISH I had Nikita's body).


The Award for "What in the World is this Dynasty Fuckery??" goes to The Blonds, whos clothes had me furiously typing in my MacBook Air: THIS IS SOME ALEXIS CARRINGTON SHIT!


This year the "Simon Cowell Chichis" Award goes to the moobs belonging to the great, greasy Mike Ruiz.


The "$10 Blowjob" Award goes to Meghan, who walked that runway like she was working the Ho Stroll on a Friday night. Come on, Ty, if this picture doesn't make you think Lindsay Lohan trolling for A Big Bag of the Good Stuff, then I don't know what will.


And our last award is a very special one, indeed. In honor of her continual and tireless dedication to attending every CNTM taping hammered-drunk, the Smirnoff Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Jeanne Beker! Jeanne isn't able to accept her award tonight, as she is nursing a pretty aggressive white wine hangover at home this evening. We will trade her award of a 40 of vodka on her behalf.

7.17.2009

CNTM Post - delayed till Monday


I know, right? You're probably like "birch please, what else do you have to do but sit at your computer and criticize crappy Canadian models?"
Well, you smartass, I actually had a lot to do this week, so that means you have to wait till Monday to get the re-cap of a lifetime. Needless to say, the finale had me acting like some kind of fool:


Whereas Ty could barely contain busting his nuts all over his Television:


See you on Monday for the run-down low-down! It's going to be almost as good as a Four-Four re-cap (pictures! videoclips! MORE JAY THAN YOU CAN HANDLE!) so you best get your lazy summer asses back here in 48. Peace, I'm out!

7.10.2009

I think I found the best video ever.

Every once in a while you come across a YouTube video so amazing, you need to share it with the world. Well friends, meet Jill - a child who is learning about periods. This video has it all: laughs, cuteness, gross depictions of menstrual blood, a mom with a fierce wig, learning through aggressive repetition, awesome vintage clothes and furniture, but most of all, a very charming and inquisitive little girl with Down's Syndrome (not to mention great style). Anyways, Happy Friday!!



7.06.2009

As if, MTV - it's about frenching time!!


I am hy-purr-ventilating right now out of sheer excitement because I have just received the best news known to HUMANITY. Okay, so I was reading Jezebel and they announced that MTV will be releasing EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED EPISODE OF DARIA ON DVD!! The bad news? I need to wait till 2010. Fuck, cammon! We can get every single piece of shit television show on dvd and yet it is taking you FOR-EV-URR to get Daria to disc? There had better be some amazing extras on that shit, because you know I am willing to wait in line and pay top dollar. Sike! I will wait outside Wal-Mart till security goes on break and then steal it. Fuck, who am I kidding? I'm going to line up and buy it.

Anyways, since MTV shot Daria, execution style, in 2002, there are like no clips on YouTube. For shame! But even if there were, I would have still posed this clip of the theme song with those terrific end-credit pictures. I used to get so excited for the end of each episode so I could guess the Pop Culture Reference. This one is great - someone has compiled a bunch of them. My favourites? Tom Sloan as Slim Goodbody, Mr. DeMartino as Divine, Jane as Flavor Flav, and the totem pole. Crap, can I just get cryogenically frozen till 2010 plz??

7.02.2009

The Skip-Raid Interviews Mark Little

Hello hello everyone! It's that time again for another Skip-Raid interview! Okay spoiler alert! I don't give no red-hot-nevermind if you hate reading my interviews, but this one is a big one for two reasons.
1. This is the first interview I have done that was featured on VICE
2. This is my 10th interview!!!
I know, I can hardly believe it! It seems like just yesterday I was writing obscenely threatening letters to Joe Mathlete in order to coerce him into an interview, and now I have MASSIVE CANADIAN CELEBRITIES banging down my door just to sniff my hair (anydelusion...)

Okay, so this week we sit down with the very funny, very nice comedian Mark Little. The very rare few of you will know Mark for his stand-alone acts, but the greater majority of you know Mark from the sketch group Picnicface. And those of you who are still totally clueless will know Mark from Powerthirst, which needs to be fucking buried already, please?? We get it, Powerthirst is Crystal Meth in a can. Anyways, go ahead and read that VICE article for all the questions that got chosen (and it will set up this interview for you) and then come back and read the rest (aka The shit that got cut like a man-stealing chola). Our sincerest thanks for being a real sport and answering all our dumb Qs.



Full name: Mark Thomas Little.

Occupation:
I manage to get by doing stand-up shows, sketch shows, and the occasional writing job. Plus I win $25,000 like every year.

Where you live: Halifax.

I heard you were home schooled. Does your mother talk in riddles? Because all the home schooled kids I know had insane moms.

Aw man that's totally a comedy lie. I have a joke about being home-schooled which doesn't quite work as well if I say, "Imagine I was home-schooled." But yeah, I know a few kids who were home-schooled and their moms were crazy. Crazy in the way you have to be if part of your identity is a fundamental distrust of teachers.

What have you done with your $25,000? I am imagining some kind of crude Scrooge McDuck set-up.
If you're referring to Scrooge's healthy banking strategies, then yes, I'm all McDuck. If you're referring to the fully doublooned swimming pool, I'm missing the mark. (Note: I was trying to think of a way to say I put it all in the bank, and the best I could come up with was "healthy banking strategies." Yep.)

I heard that Halifax is amazing in the Summer but depressing as hell in the winter. Can you confirm this?
Confirmed. Winter is six months long and bullshit. But nobody leaves because summer is like a beautiful awakening from a long roofie nap.

Do you have a good story about losing your virginity?
I have an awful story involving a college dorm room, a bong hit (incidentally, the loss of my bong virginity as well, a moment which has since been renamed The Precursor), and a stranger. Yes, I was in college at the time. And I don't think she knew it was my first time. I carefully hid that information by lying.

Are you now too famous for Picnicface?
Definitely.

Sometimes you write a sketch that involves girls. You can approach this two ways: put on a wig and a dress (like Kids in the Hall) or make the sketch less-funny and get actual girls. Why did you choose the latter? It's not like wigs are expensive.

If this was a live interview, you could write [laughs] before my answer. But would you? Most sketch groups are all dudes and sometimes dude-time gets a little boring. That said, I played a hooker in a sketch once. Wigs everywhere.

My sister is more partial to Kyle. Meh, to each his own.

What are your thoughts on Roman Danylo? (it's no secret that I fucking hate that assclown).
I haven't seen much of his stuff. Comedy Inc. was obviously terrible, but it's hard to know who to blame for that. I think I've seen one too many pictures of him topless for my liking, though.

What was your best/worst Hallowe'en costume?
I was Harry Potter for three consecutive Halloweens once. I think that answers both your questions. Actually last year I built this swarm of bees to wear over my shoulder and went as Macaulay Culkin from My Girl.

Please imagine what the most amazing tattoo would look like:

BJ Novak has a joke about wanting to get a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for cliche. I think that would be pretty great. That or a white picket fence around my bicep.

Tell us an embarrassing story:

I feel like I've told a few already. I make videos for youtube that a good number of 12-year-olds enjoy. That's pretty embarrassing.

Who's talent or skill do you wish you had?

Bill Murray, Louis CK, Mike Birbiglia -- for various reasons. I wouldn't mind Demetri Martin's ability to craft perfect jokes, either. Oh, also, LeBron James.

What are your favourite television shows right now?
There's this British sitcom called Peep Show that's maybe my favourite comedy of all time. Eastbound and Down is also pretty funny. My guilty pleasure right now is True Blood. It's 90% godawful, but the cliffhangers are crazy good. Plus I'm pulling for the Paquin. It's nice to see her playing something other than jailbait. That's not a Piano reference.

Have you ever been so high you've convinced yourself that you're dying?
No.

What was the last fight you got into?
Grade 3? Dude punched my eye. Same guy who'd pulled my hair out in Grade 2.

Was there anything you were apprehensive about putting in your act or into a Picnicface video?
Only with regard to my parents. They just don't like it when I play rapists or pedophiles in the videos. They thought I was going to be a professor. Some dreams die hard.

Will you marry me? (If the answer is no, I should maybe mention that I own my own waffle maker?)
My roommate has a waffle maker so the deal has yet to be sweetened. In any case, I think I'm saving myself for an American girl so I can green card on out of here.

Your ideal sandwich:

I'm a fucking vegetarian now, so no sandwich will ever satisfy me again. If I ever kick the shit, though, I'm going straight to McDonald's for a McGangBang. (What is it, a double cheeseburger surrounding a McChicken? Amazing.)