CNTM Cycle 3: The Last Episode!

Okay, so it has been almost a week since the finale of Canada's Next Top Model, Cycle 3 aired. Have I given your lazy asses enough time to watch it? Can I finally discuss it without giving away any spoilers? Okay, so first let me say that Ty wasn't able to watch the final episode with me; he's been slacking and this is his SECOND missed finale. I know, he's been given his pink slip and has been asked to clear out his desk. Fucking fired. Anyicantfirehimheworksforfree, regardless of whether or not Ty and I watched together, I wanted to make this last CNTM post a really good one. Since Canada's Next Top Model only tapes once every 2 years (I know, we just don't have the budget for it) I wanted to make sure I could get in as much as possible, because before you know it, we'll be back to Tyra and her rag-tag group of Special Olympians. Alright, enough chit-chat...it's time for the

The "Definitely Not in it For the Drugs" Award goes to Meghan, to whom I give a solid 2 months before she is hopelessly addicted to coke. How many times did she mention that walking the runway was "the best high"? Really? Better than Ketamine? (Joke generously donated by my friend Matt)

The Back to Winnipeg Award goes, of course, to Linsay, who will hopefully go home and pack up her mukluks and move to Toronto. You all know I was rooting for Linsay; she really was the underdog in this competition (I still think the judges made a lazy decision) and hopefully she doesn't throw up her hands with an "Oh wellz, I tried".

The "You Can Do It!" Award goes to the blind stylist who picked out Meghan and Linsay's judgment dresses. Good for you! Don't let anyone tell you that being visually impaired will prevent you from picking out eye-rapingly-hideous clothing.

The "Best Nickname for A Contestant" Award goes to my Mother, who started calling Nikita Makita the Power Tool. Clever and Punny!

The Award for "Taking Fierce Up a Notch to Fucking Frightening" goes to everyone's favourite catwalk-stomper, Linsay - who managed to scare the shit out of me while she was walking down the runway. Maybe it's the bedazzled nipples on her slut-suit, or maybe it's the look of pure terror she's shooting from her eyes like a cyborg, but whatever it was, it gave me a serious case of the bed-wets.

The "Don't Touch Me, Bitch!!!" Award goes to Nikita's very effective bitch-slap-with-her-eyes after she was eliminated. Meghan went to give her a "so srry yr out" hug and Nikita shot her the same look you give to a homeless person who is taking a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. That's why I love you girl!

The "I Can't Believe I'm Actually Admitting This" Award goes to Myself, for actually admitting that I like Jay Manuel has a host more than I like Tyra. I have to give it to him - he's tolerable in several ways. No wonder Tyra hates his ass; he's gunning for her job.

The "Hey, Dumpy Horse Butts; They Happen to A Lot of Girls" Award goes to Nikita, who was clearly voted out due to her ginormous ass and thighs. Those are some chair-breakers! Bitch better lay off the Mars bars and get on a treadmill (I kid cause I WISH I had Nikita's body).

The Award for "What in the World is this Dynasty Fuckery??" goes to The Blonds, whos clothes had me furiously typing in my MacBook Air: THIS IS SOME ALEXIS CARRINGTON SHIT!

This year the "Simon Cowell Chichis" Award goes to the moobs belonging to the great, greasy Mike Ruiz.

The "$10 Blowjob" Award goes to Meghan, who walked that runway like she was working the Ho Stroll on a Friday night. Come on, Ty, if this picture doesn't make you think Lindsay Lohan trolling for A Big Bag of the Good Stuff, then I don't know what will.

And our last award is a very special one, indeed. In honor of her continual and tireless dedication to attending every CNTM taping hammered-drunk, the Smirnoff Lifetime Achievement Award goes to Jeanne Beker! Jeanne isn't able to accept her award tonight, as she is nursing a pretty aggressive white wine hangover at home this evening. We will trade her award of a 40 of vodka on her behalf.

1 comment:

Alice said...

So for most of this season I was rooting for Meaghan to win 'cause she's from Winnipeg, and we never win anything except for "murder capital of Canada" every year. But after she won, I actually felt that they should have given it to Linsay...I also loved that Linsay took her loss like a real human

(she was pissed, she cried and she didn't pretend that it was "just such a great experience" blah, blah, bullsh*t - everyone HATES losing - why fake it?)

I am going to totally agree with you that Jay is a better host than Tyra, yeah she's got the crazy in buckets, but he's got bitchy queen by the boatloads.