The ABCs of not eating like S-H-I-T

Hey guys! Welcome to the middle of summer! I don't know about where you live, but here in Toronto (stalkers, write that down) it is a very hot, ultra humid 30 degrees. In American temperature, that's about Detroit, although up in my bedroom ( a converted attic) it's somewhere between Miami and Satan's nutsack. And as I sit typing on my bed, I recoil in horror at the thought of how much sweat my mattress has soaked up in the past month (well...I suppose sweat really would be just the tip of the iceberg. I like to imagine Horatio Caine shining one of those CSI black-lights against my bed; the lit-up stains would be so bright, it would be like when the Nazis look into the Ark of the Covenant).

Anysorrytogrossyouout, I'm sure you're wondering about that title. Yes, this summer I decided to go on a diet. It wasn't really about losing weight - I'm soft, but not hideously so, and I'm comfortable with my body. But I was feeling really sluggish and tired all the time. Not to mention somewhere in May I invented a sandwich called The Crispy Yellow (grilled cheese made with garlic butter, dipped in yellow mustard) which had become a very real staple of my diet. My food pyramid looked a little something like this (sadly the only joke is at the top):

Yeah, so it's no wonder why I was a little thick around the waist. I was eating McDonald's cheeseburgers as snacks. AS SNACKS! Are you hearing this? Who am I, Jughead Jones?? So yeah, I knew that if I kept up this way I'd be on a very fast train to the Town of Never-Get-Laid (it's in 30-Cat County, just outside of The People's Republic of Crying Yourself to Sleep). Anyways, here are the ABCs of being on a diet, Mayor-style...

A is for Agitated. Holy fuck, if you though I was a bitch before...I now make Katherine Heigl look like a choorch. I didn't realize my body was so dependent on processed cheese (what a sad addiction).
Also for: Ass. Goodbye ass! It was great knowing you; see you on the other side, little buddy!

B is for Blender, my new best friend. When in doubt, put something in a blender and call it a smoothie.
Also for: black coffee (my bff)

C is for Calories. Ugh, I hate that I actually look at the calorie part of food packages now. For instance, my favourite yogurt is 35 cal. per serving. I used to think that calorie counting was for anorexics and new mothers with post-partum. Apparently it's also me.
Also for: carrots, chick peas (my favourite way to get protein), chicken (you can eat it in so many ways! Grilled! And...grilled!), cherries (note: don't EVER eat a full bag of cherries. You will get the shits for 8 hours afterwards. It will feel like your ass is dying)

D is for Desperation. Before I went on this "clean eating" fuckery, I purged my kitchen of all bad food. The only thing I can eat are things that came from a tree and things that have a mother. One night I got so desperate for something sweet, I went into my baking cupboard and ate all the chocolate chips. I should mention that these weren't Chipits-brand chocolate chips; no, these were Bulk Barn Immigrant's Choice Chalk-o-latte Nuggets. I ate them all. They were delicious.

E is for Egg McMuffins. I MISS THEM SO MUCH!!!
Also for: energy. I have a lot more energy. I don't get winded going up the stairs anymore.

F is for Fat. I'm less fat. I'm also less F.A.T. (please see notes on Mo'nique)
Also for: fan (the love of my life. It's too fucking hot in my room)

G is for Gandhi. With all the pseudo-fasting I have been doing, I know totally know what Gandhi went though, and guess what? Homegirl was a whiny bitch. That's right, I said it. It's not that bad. Know what cures a case of the sore tum-tums? YouTubing "baby goats". Not only do you forget about the aggressive, tight pains in your abdomen, but you get to see cute lil' can-eaters hobble and hop and bring a smile to your gaunt face.
Also for: gravy (I miss gravy)

H is for Hallucinations. When you take out essential fats and calories from your diet, you will start to hallucinate and see things. This is because your brain is missing significant lubrication in the fatass-cortex. It's all science. My hallucinations could also be from inhalants, but for that I can't be sure.

I is for Irrational Thoughts. I haven't been thinking straight since pumping my guts full of fibre, which is the only way I can explaining liking Pitbull's Calle Ocho (on another note, I think I may have a brain tumor).
Also for: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. When I need to take my mind off my shitty no-fudge diet, I watch Sunny. It makes me forget my problems, even for a little while (like when they show comedies to people in prison).

J is for Judge Judy. JJ isn't the same now that I don't binge-eat through my Hour of Judge Judy Power on Fox-29. I used to sit there and gorge on candy as she dealt her swift and fair justice on the Turds of America. Now I just sit on my couch, blank-faced, eating baby carrots.

K is for Knife. I have found that, when in doubt - cut it out. If you cut vegetables and shit in different ways, it makes them fun to eat. THIS JUST IN - I'm a fucking 5-year-old.

L is for "Lifestyle Change". My mother tells me that what I'm doing isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle change. What? It makes it sound like I woke up one morning and said "you know what? I think I was born in the wrong body. It's time to start living my life as a man" and then everyone around me keeps assuring me that they "support my lifestyle change".

M is for Measuring. I have been told that when you weigh yourself, it only makes you depressed. Instead you are supposed to measure and chart your results. I know, that sounds so lame, but it actually is helping quite a bit. I have lost 5 inches around my waist, so that's a little victory for me.

N is for Nectarines. When I eat fruit, I need something that will satisfy me and be palatable. Bananas fill me up, but they taste like diaper fillings. Grapes are delicious, but they never satisfy me. Nectarines, thankfully, are both tangy and heavy. I also like their aggressive snap when you bite into them.

O is for Oral Fixation. I definitely have one (NO JOKES). I find I work better if I have something in my mouth at all times (KNOCK IT OFF) so I like to keep something low-cal near me to put in my mouth (ENOUGH). It used to be candy, but now its a tblsp of peanut butter. I can suck on it for a good 30 minutes (MUST...NOT...MAKE...RUDE...JOKE...)

P is for Poo. I'm not going to lie, people, pooing has become so much easier and enjoyable. My ass is like a Slip n' Slide.
Also for: potatoes (pretty much the only carb I eat now), popcorn (I went to the movies this weekend and I was sharing a bag of popcorn. I was being really good and would just take a small handful and eat each piece slowly, but deep down inside there was the voice of Old Mayor screaming "CHOKE BACK THAT SHIT LIKE YOU MEAN IT, BITCH!!!!")

Q is for Queen. This diet has made me as uppity and bitchy as an old Queen.

R is for Retard. Is it socially acceptable for someone to date a person with Down Syndrom? This has nothing to do with the diet, I'm just very curious.

S is for Slim Fast. I need something to keep me full from 8am to noon (otherwise I will get the PF - pudding fear) so my breakfast is a smoothie made from Slim Fast powder, skim milk, and frozen fruit. Sometimes I get jazzy and fuck around with coffee and Slim Fast, which is delicious and works like cheap speed.
Also for: skim milk (so fucking gross), stevia (which is an all-natural, calorie-free super-sweetener. I put this in my coffee instead of sugar)

T is for Tuna. I'd estimate that I have eaten a whole dolphin from all the cans of tuna I've ingested.
Also for: Taco Salad (aka Mexican Weight-Watchers. It's the only salad I'll eat), thinspiration (pictures of a sick-looking Lindsay Lohan usually do it for me).

U is for Uterus. Since I have given up Diet Coke (well...not really given it up. I still drink it, but not every damn day) my uterus actually has a chance at making a baby friend in it someday. I don't want one now, but it's nice to know that my baby-house hasn't been totally destroyed my DC.
Also for: underwear. My American Apparel underwear fits me again (which is good, cause I love looking like a fat hooker)

V is for Vendetta

W is for Wedding Dresses. This is what I don't get, okay? I am the laziest (LAZIEST) motherfucking bitch around, and even my sorry ass is losing weight. So why do I always see fat cows on Facebook in ill-fitting, too-tight wedding dresses? You couldn't cut Doritos out of your diet for 3 months? That's just too much of a goddamn sacrifice?? Good lord. I mean, I don't even have a reason to lose a bit of weight, but I sure as hell know that if I had to get my ass into a wedding dress I'd be on the Kate Moss diet of 3 C's and 1 V (coffee, cigarettes, champagne, vodka)

X is for XXX. That's right, once I lose some chunk, I'm going straight to hard-core porn. KIDDING! Like I have the money for implants.

Y is for Yeah I hear ya, single moms. Do you know why poor kids are usually fat? It's because good food is pricey. I was saving a shitload of drinkin' dollars by eating processed cheese, Kraft Dinner, Diet Coke, hot dogs, Pop Tarts, and bulk candy. The last time I went to the grocery store my bill was $40 and all I got was tomatoes, yogurt, and fish. Is that nonsense? CAN I GET A FUCK YES?!?!
Also for: yogurt. I have cultivated a relationship with Source yogurt. That shit is scrumptious, 0g fat, and 35 calories. Sometimes I like to mix in a little frozen fruit so it eats like a meal. Which reminds me...I miss Chunky soup.

Z is for Zits. My skin is really amazing since I started eating so many vegetable and drinking a shitload of water. My face is smooth and emotionless, like Nicole Kidman.


Alice said...

Good for you Mayor! (And I don't mean that in the patronizing "good for you" way either). I am on the reverse pregnancy diet (4 weeks to go!) I eat pretty damn healthy for the baby and get to put on 40+ pounds. I was less than 120 before I got preggers, now when I step on the scale it says scary things like 150-something.

I know I get a baby out of the deal but I actually can't wait to start hitting the gym - I miss my body.

Tina said...

Re. Dating retards. The film "Pumpkin" starring Christina Ricci is story of forbidden love between a developmentally challenged man and a sorority girl.

Miss Tenki said...

mayor, you are hot, diet or no diet, trust, I've seen you in a bikini,
all the love from the other side of the world,

ps- kickass post my friend.

The Mayor said...

Hey ladies (speaking of which - I love that I singlehandedly alienated my male readers with this post).

Thanks for the thumbs up and good words! I actually feel pretty good, and it's not about "being skinny" or "losing weight" - it's totally about having yoru clothes fit and your face not be so bloated it looks like you've been on a 3-day bender.

Alice - good job on losing that baby chunk, and remember - just cause you have a baby, doesn't mean you have a free fat-ass-pass. And if you're breastfeeding, that weight will slip off. Also, congrats on the baby!

Tina - I know about Pumpkin and I will be renting it this weekend. I think it's socially acceptable, right? Like, it's not AS taboo as it once was, right??

Miss Tenki - you can talk all you want cause you're HOT SHIT and a skinny bitch, but I still love you, so no worries. Plus, you haven't seen me in a year (because you live in Australia - typing that made me throw up in my mouth. I am very jealous) and in that year I have gained some major Diabeetus-chunk. When you return, I shall be anorexic. JOKES - I'll probably be about 10lbs lighter.