America's Next Top Shawty

Okay, first off - are you looking at this fuckery? What in Inspector Gaga hell is going on here? Ugh, and you KNOW some dumb Pussycat Dolls-loving moron is looking at this going "Oh em gee - I would KILL for a trench'suit. I wonder if Guess makes them?" Well, Svetlana (I'm assuming this dumb broad's name is Svetlana), tonight at 8pm you'll get to find out! The long-awaited return of ANTM is finally happening, and I for one could not be happier. Cycle 12 was a dud, and don't even get me started on the shit-show that was Canada's Next Top Model...I just can't talk about it, it makes me too upset. I can imagine it's the same way a stressed-out parent approaches talking about a druggy son: just hanging their head in their hands and weeping.

So let's move on to better things. ANTM is finally in its 13th Cycle, but this one has a clever, wacky twist. The twist is that they will actually produce a model who gets work. AS TO THE IF, BOBBY B. As of right now, the most successful ANTM model is Adrienne Curry, and that doesn't say much. That's like saying "I had 12 gallstones removed, and one of them went on to be used as an example in an Everest College medical class!" No, the twist is that all the models are under 5'7. I know...file that under who gives a hot dump. So are you ready to hurl insults and pick apart each model like we always do? You betcha! Let's get started, we've got some uglies to bump!

Ashley, 22 years old / Occupation: Artist / Height: 5'6
Okay, here is my first beef with the ANTM models: in order to be a decent model, should you not have some kind of style? Ashley is just so boring to me. And bish plz, "artist"?? As to the if. Something tells me she either designs shitty greeting cards or paints sunflowers ("Van Gogh is just such an inspiration to me"). Ugh, I need to move on from this girl because she is giving me a major case of the sleeps.

Bianca, 21 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
Dye homegirl's hair blonde and you've got Amber Rose 2.0. NOT A COMPLIMENT. Bianca is...um...I can't even describe her. She looks so lost, there are too many styles working here.

Brittany, 21 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'5
Ah, the Classy Cocktail Waitress look - so timeless. Whatever, this girl looks like she may get far. I could see her doing Guess ads or Forever 21 - I mean, that's nothing to write home about, but it's better than Old Navy and a kick in the ass.

Courtney, 22 years old / Occupation: Cheer Instructor / Height: 5'4
Cheer Instructor? Rolls eyes. You're a cheerleader, plain and simple. Hope you didn't burn any bridges with the Minnesota State Athletics Dept., because I have a feeling you will be crawling your old-ass back to them very soon (crawling with those massive shoulders and huge arms...what the hell?) Hey Courtney! Here's a cheer for you!
Someone run and tell Miss J
Bitch was born with a d-i-c-k
22 is too many years
If you're lucky you'll book Sears

Erin, 18 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'6
This girl is straight-up Neutrogena. I wonder what her makeover will look like? Right now I'm not getting a feeling from her - she could either be Top 3 or a Dud.

Jennifer, 23 years old / Occupation: Model / Height: 5'5
1. You're not wearing pants.
3. You're already a model?...chile, sit down with mama. Modeling ain't working out for you. It's time to quit, go back to school, get yo GED, maybe work as a paralegal's assistant. Get off the couch, go to Everest College.

Kara, 19 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
Kara immediately gets -1000 points from me for wearing a shitty dress with an exposed zipper. SO. LAST. SEASON. Also, those boots? You look like a crappy cartoon character. Although she could walk right off my monitor and into a Marciano ad, so...I guess she's not that bad. Not good, but not bad either.

Laura, 19 years old / Occupation: Waitress / Height: 5'6
I would be DYING if Laura had done some amazing 70's styles instead of this cheap Wal-Mart get-up. How much is she reminding you of Sissy Spacek? And, since Sissy Spacek is one of my forever heroes, I like Laura. DON'T MAKE ME REGRET THIS DECISION, GIRL.

Lisa, 19 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'5
Lisa is sassy and pretty, but remember how they don't like pretty? This could work against her. Also, she could be a one-trick pony - this could be her look. Hand on hip, head ghetto-crooked to the side, face that says "yeah, I stole that Starter jacket. And I'll steal like 7 more by the end of the week. Now what did I miss in History class?"

Lulu, 19 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
Fix. Her. Hair. Other than that, Lulu will definitely be in the Top 3.

Nicole, 18 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'7
OMG Nicole, I love your shirt! I had the same one in Grade 10! Remember when shirts like that were cool? And strappy sandals with jeans?!? So Britney Spears 2001. Are you being "retro"? You're adorable! You're like a little martian who doesn't know anything!

Rachel, 18 years old / Occupation: Customer Service / Height: 5'5
She kind of reminds me of a 1/2 black Emma Stone. Right? Kind of. She is different looking, but I don't think I could actually see her booking anything. If I saw her in a magazine, I would be like "Whoah! Did they fuck up the photoshopping on this girl or something? Because she looks really weird."

Rae, 21 years old / Occupation: Stay-at-home Mom / Height: 5'6Stay-at-home Mom at 21?

Sundai, 18 years old / Occupation: Student / Height: 5'3
Sundai, save for the crappy spelling of her name, looks like a fun ball of messy. No makeup, hair that looks like a raggy weave; this bitch doesn't give a FUCK. And I like that. Plus, this girl is tiny-short, so you know she's going to be like an out of control terrier. I can't wait to see her go crazy on someone.

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