10.31.2009

The Dumbest "Sexy ___" Costumes of 09

Hey Spooks! Wait...uh...can someone double check for me on the term 'spook'? Can I use that? Even on Halloween it feels wrong. Anyways, I'm writing this from the hallway of my house where I'm anxiously waiting for Trick or Treaters to come to my house and rob me of my sweet sweet candy; and you know I give out good shit. No single-wrapped gumballs or foamy strawberries here! This year I'm giving out handfulls of caramel squares, Tootsie Rolls, M&Ms, Reese, KitKats, and Smarties. And when I say 'handfulls', I mean I give each kid like 8 or 9 treats. I've learned that candy is a currency for children and that the more candy I give, the less chance I have of getting my house egged.

Moving on. You know that every year I do some kind of costume breakdown, and this year I have decided to tackle the touchy subject of 'Sexy ____' costumes. You know what I mean; costumes that are more or less underwear paired with some kind of accoutrement to make it an 'idea'. Kind of like this:
This is a Sexy Cop, and this is the bread and butter of both boring Sorority skanks and fat wanna-be girls alike. Hell, it even has its own phrase: Slutoween. It's true: it's the only day of the year a girl can dress like a total slut and no one can say anything about it (Thanks, Mean Girls!)

And this post actually sprang from a joke on Facebook. A friend of mine joked that they were going as Slutty Balloon Boy for Halloween, which is actually pretty good. You can take any Noun and add the prefix of Slutty, and you have a completely viable costume. Here's proof!


Sexy Wednesday Addams
Okay, this is bizarre to me because a) the Wednesday costume is pretty cute to begin with. Short black dress, stripy socks, long black braided wig, headless dolls and, more disturbingly, b) Wednesday is an 8-year-old girl (paging Chris Hansen). Nothing says sexy like "Hey boys, my name is Wednesday. I'm learning fractions and next week we start our weather unit in science. My favourite band is the Jonas Brothers and my favourite food is pizza"


Sexy Al Gore
"I love recycling and being green and am very concerned with my carbon footprint. Which is exactly why I bought this costume: it's made from 100% man-made fibers, sewn by Chinese sweatshop workers, and I plan on throwing it in the garbage after wearing it for 5 hours. I love the Earth."


Sexy Olive Oyl
This is unreal. First off, who in our generation even watched Popeye? This costume is about 20 years too old. The Popeye I know is Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall, so if you're going to go as any Shelley Duvall character and make it "sexy", go as Sexy Wendy Torrance.


Sexy Mental Patient
And now an entry from the good people at Horribly Tasteless Costume Warehouse...we have Sexy Mental Patient.


Sexy Hobo
"I have pubic lice, severe schizophrenia, and an addiction to methadone. I sleep in the bathrooms at the mall. Wanna watch me make out with another girl?"


Sexy Guitar
I don't understand anything about this costume. What a random Noun to pick. It's like you looked around your room and went:
"Sexy...coffee table? No. Sexy...TV Stand? No. Sexy...guitar? I think I could make it work...". But no, you didn't make it work. You look like the result of a 14-year-old boy getting three wishes from a Genie and the first one is "I wish I could fucking marry my guitar!" Sure enough, 9 months later your guitar gives birth to this monstrosity. But just when you think it doesn't get any lamer than a guitar...


Sexy House
On the costume website they say that this is the 'She's a Brick House' costume. Ha. Ha. I get it, it's a pun. Know what sucks about puns? EVERYTHING. Know what else sucks about this costume? You're dressed as a house. You should be punished for your crappy costume choice.


Sexy Bob the Builder
Santo Dios, what the fuck is wrong with her feet?!?!?!


Sexy Freddie Kruger
This bitch would be the first to die in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.


Sexy Rocky Balboa
Ugh, no comment. I...just can't. This is too lame, even for me.


Sexy Santa
Ho ho ho! I'm Santa! Or the general idea of Santa! But if you take away my over-sized candy cane and Santa hat, I'm just your average run-of-the-mill slut:

See? People people people. Adding a hat to lingerie does not a costume make. You're making your fathers cry.

And finally, the dumbest 'Sexy ____' costume of them all. When I saw this, I couldn't even fathom a guess at what it was supposed to be (I tried, but every idea started with the word "whore" and ended with a question mark). Here it is, the sluttiest of all Halloween costumes:


Sexy....Uh....What?
THIS. IS. NOT. A. COSTUME. This is black underwear, a bra, a mesh hoodie, and leg-warmers. This is in no way "dressing up" for Halloween. Are you a cold stripper? Are you the visual representation of low self-esteem? Are you the opposite of smart? DING DING DING! We have a winner!!

10.30.2009

Happy Hurloween!!

You know it's not Hurloween without a picture of John O'Hurley (aka Seinfeld's J. Peterman). God, I will never tire of that joke (despite the fact that it isn't all that funny). Anyways, this week's ANTM post will be arriving to you bright and early on Monday, so watch for that. I'm sorry I'm bumping it, but today is a very big day! That's right - the day before Halloween, my most favourite of all holidays. I was thinking of a good post to write for today and tomorrow, but I could only come up with one, so that will be tomorrow's post. But today? Today I have stolen a great list from our friends at The Onion. I read it this morning and knew I couldn't write anything nearly as funny as this, so here we go:

Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

- Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.
- Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.
- Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.
- Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.
- For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.
- Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.
- Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.
- Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.
- Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.
- Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking–for example, ghosts, goblins or witches–they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.
- Pack child's costume with safety flares.
- Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.
- Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.

10.27.2009

I fucking bought this!


EW. Are you looking at this? What am I, Toddlers and Tiaras?? They're called Bumpits (trust - you NEED to see this website. It is out-of-control classy). Whatever - it's not like I bought it for real. I need it for my Halloween costume. I'm dressing up as my life idol:


That's right! My costume this year isn't the most original, but it is the easiest and cheapest. I already have the same hair colour (WIN) and now I have the accoutrements for the hair-do. Thanks to American Apparel I have a pair of shiny black spandex leggings and just bought a cheap and trashy white and black leopard print top for $16. All I need is a box of candy marked BON-BONS and a cigarette with 2 inches of ash hanging off the end. The only sad part is that I don't have a guy to go as Al (who I would be pressuring for sex). I might post pictures. Might.

10.26.2009

What the hell is going on here?


Damn, I just got schooled by a baby!
But seriously, what the fuck is going on here?

10.25.2009

Oh Asians, stop it!!!

Why do you rule so good??? I don't know what the hell this commercial is for, but there are so many things right with this clip that I don't even care. First, I want that girl's hair and outfit. Second, I want those dance moves (I can't dance - sadface). Third, all the girls from Peanuts? Fourthly, what the hell language is that and can I learn it? PS - can someone please remix this so I can set it as my ringtone?

10.23.2009

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 7

Hi guys! Okay, so it looks like we have yet another week where Ty and I bailed on our weekly ANTM chitter-chat, but that's okay! I'm still going to go over this mess of pictures, and just think - we're getting over the hump of boring. Hey, it happens in every reality show: the first couple of weeks are the best because that's where you get the largest cluster of losers and fuck ups. Then, as the losers get eliminated and the numbers slowly start to dwindle, fuck up fun times start to get few and far between. Then, before you know it, you're down to the last two turds in the toilet. Then it's over! I know, circle of life really. Anyways, let's get on with this shall we? I have some turds to flush. And speaking of turds...is this not the most ethnically diverse Final 7 we have EVER seen on ANTM? Can you believe it?!? This is so weird!


1. Rae (The Single Mom)
Okay, you know what's so crazy? I totally wasn't into Rae until last week when she really let her personality out, and now that I like her she's gone. This reminds me of a song, but I just can't put my finger on it. Sads. Oh well, it's for the best - Rae can go home and be a mom aka WHAT SHE SHOULD BE DOING.

2. Brittany (The...uh...Smart One?)
You know, I keep getting this feeling that Brittany will be next. She came in so strong but she's been fading as of late. Could this be the end for everyone's favourite 8-year-old Boy Skeleton?

3. Laura (The Hillbilly)
Anytime Laura pops on screen, I immediately think of this:

...which means I DO NOT want to see the face she makes when she gets eliminated. We need to be honest with ourselves here: Laura isn't going to win :(
I know, sads. But it's true - she's just too much hillbilly for the high-class world of midget modeling. The minute Tyra gives her the axe, needs to get herself an agent and start doing commercials. The possibilities are endless: Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausages, Cellino & Barnes Injury Attorneys, First Response Pregnancy Tests, and finally - the most respected of all hillbilly commercial options - WAL MART.

4. Nicole (The Ginger)
I know that Vegas odds place Nicole high on the 'safe bet' list, but I just can't put all my money on this phony pony. Again, I can't predict her going far and it has nothing to do with her abysmal personality. Nicole is Sarah Plain and Tall, looks wise, and not in the good way. Nicole reminds me of this:


Seriously, does she not totally remind you of The Great Depression?

5. Sundai (The Black One)
Last night my sister and I were going to a party. She was having a really tough time picking out an outfit, so I advised her of the mantra I use when getting dressed: If you can't do hot, do cute. For instance, I am not a 10. Hell, on my best day I can barely pull off a 6. So I wont delude myself into thinking I'm a total babe. Instead, when I get dressed I go for Someone's mom in the 60s or 1970s Girl Scout. Sundai really works Cute; unfortunately cute does not a successful model make.

6. Erin (The Bitch)
I can see Erin being in the final 2, and you know - I'm going to go here - I can see her taking this thing too. She wants it so bad. Either that, or she needs to take a shit 24-7. I dunno - what am I, a doctor?

7. Jennifer (The Asian One)
Oh-kay! I loved Jennifer's commercial! I actually believed it, and that is very rare; as we all know, the ANTM commercials always look like hostage videos where the model is reading the script with such verbal distress it's as if she has an AK-47 pressed to her head. Not our girl, Shanghai Wonk-eye - she owned that shit pretty hard. Good for her! She better keep it up, because we NEED an Asian to win. As a white girl I know how sub-par my looks are to even the homeliest of Chinese girls, and I'm sick and tired of them getting kicked out early on in the game.

Episode notes:
- I don't know how I feel about this revolving door of C-List celebrities, but I will tell you this: I DO NOT approve of Kim Kardashian looking at Nigel like that.


For real, Ty and I are not afraid to shank a fat-ass bitch. We have nothing to lose, Kim; get your own mega-hot noted fashion photographer.

Next week on America's Next Top Whythehelldoesanyonecareaboutthis:
the final 6 go on an incredible journey to the international destination of...Hawaii? What? Are they mid-western retirees? How ghetto has this show gotten that they can't even book an out-of-country trip? Poor Laura - this was her opportunity to finally cross a border and bitch gets shanked by Tyra's genie pants budget. Oh wells - let's hope they do some kitschy photoshoots. I want to see this!!


Aw, so cute! You know who's going to rule these hula girl photoshoots? DON'T FUCK UP JENNIFER.

10.20.2009

Cleansing the Stone

I'm a pretty well-adjusted adult. I was raised by two level-headed people in a very normal house: we were allowed to watch The Simpsons and eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. We had curfews and tutors and swimming lessons. We learned how to bake and use the washing machine and were allowed to babysit kids in the neighborhood. I only moved twice as a child, switched schools once, and went to church. Sure, my father went through a phase where we only drank powdered milk and our mother forbade Flinstone's Children's Vitamins, but in the grand scheme of things, that pales in comparison to parents who refuse to let their kids wear digital watches or eat anything that casts a shadow.

So it is with every fiber of my being that I harbor a shame so deep and so secret, that only a complete idiot that grew up around flakes and hippies could understand.

People, I LOVE crackpot New Age shit.

I love it and I completely fall for it every time, and I'm not just talking about rookie stuff like Astrology or Dream Decoding. Conspiracy Theories, Lucid Dreaming, you name it, I can guarantee I showed an aggressive interest in it (well, at least for a week or two). But there is one super-crackpot aspect of New Age healing that I am crazy about:

Crystal Therapy

I will let that sink in for a second. No no, take your time, I'll come back to you after you're done rolling your eyes. Can we continue?

Alright, now that you have sustained lasting ocular nerve damage, I will explain (to those of you who don't know) just what Crystal Therapy is. Crystal Therapy is the utilization of the spiritual and healing properties in gemstones and crystals to bring about balance and wellness. And how do you use such gemstones and crystals to heal what ails you? Well you place them on your body, of course! But I'm sure you're sitting there thinking: "But Mayor, how do you know which gemstones and crystals to use?" Oh my goodness, it's easy, but super-secret, so you can't tell anyone, okay? Inside each gemstone and crystal are hidden healing powers that only reveal themselves to the stinky hippie who is printing them out on corresponding cards. I know, right? MAGIC. For instance, I have a piece of Aventurine, no bigger than a raspberry, that I carry with me all the time. It is supposed to stabilize my mood and bring me good luck. Does it? Well, let me tell you - it has an amazing placebo effect on me, and that alone is worth the $3 I spent on it.

Two weekends ago I was visiting my mother and father up north and we decided to drive two towns over to shop on their main street. They have a great antique store where I have bought two 1960s pea-green bedside table lamps and many a ceramic bird, and their Salvation Army resides in an old supermarket and is filled with old lady handbags. So we're walking and all of a sudden I smell patchouli and realize that we are standing right in front of a New Age store called The Love Tree. I know, right??? I don't think I could have picked a flakier name than that if I was this girl:




After 10 minutes (although I am sure it felt like 3 agonizing hours to my mother) I picked out a small, flat piece of Yellow Jasper:



In case I forgot why I was buying this little yellow piece of Earth-turd, I was given a card to help me remember, and thus smugly mention to anyone who asks why I'm carrying a discoloured rock:

Yellow Jasper is a protective stone, shielding against negativity and depression. This stone channels positive energy, increasing feelings of well-being, and builds confidence.


Shields against depression? No need for anti-depressants anymore - hell, I'm flushing them down the toilet as I type! But honestly, there are like hundreds of different stones and they all 'heal' you in the vaguest of ways. None of this makes sense. Not one bit. But that doesn't mean I don't carry stones in my pocket and place them on my throat and chest as I lay in bed reading.

So we're in The Love Tree, I have picked out my yellow jasper, and I'm approaching the cash register to pay. The woman behind the counter was reading a book - maybe a romance novel - and smelled fairly normal. When she asked me if I would like her to cleanse my stone, I thought nothing of it. I figured she'd rub a little Purel on it, maybe put it in a little dish of hot water and lemon, like at a fancy restaurant. Not so. She took the jasper over to a wide-mouthed white marble bowl. It was about 18 inches high and 18 inches wide, with thin, smooth sides and a heavy matching rod. Kind of like a really big mortar and pestle. After placing the stone in the base of the bowl, she began running the rod around the lip of the bowl, slowly at first, which made a soothing low hum of a sound. With an increase of speed, the sound intensified to a loud ear-piercing drone. The whole time the woman was running the rod around the bowl's lip, she had her eyes closed; which is good, because I was clenching my mouth tightly to ensure that I didn't burst out laughing. It was so unreal - and the worst part was that she wasn't stopping! I stood there for at least 3 minutes before I told her to stop and that I thought my stone was clean enough.

She removed the jasper from the bowl and wiped it with a soft cloth. Why she did this, I have no idea - it's not like the stone was wet. She rang me in ($1.35) and started to wrap the stone in tissue paper, where I stopped her.

"It's okay, I'm just going to put it in my pocket" I said.

This is when that New Age bitch gave me the dirtiest look and WHIPPED the stone at me. It literally shot across the counter. What the hell?!? I guess putting my stone in my filthy pants pocket defeats the purpose of cleansing it in the marble bowl of magic. I mean, what the hell did she think I was going to do with it? Take it home and put it in a shrine surrounded by incense and oranges? Oh wait...

So the stone is still in my pocket. I think I voided my warranty by doing so, but I don't care. Its placebo effect can't ever be washed off.

10.14.2009

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 6

The Mayor: Can I tell you that I'm eating Girl Guide cookies right now? Americaaaaaa, Fuck Yeah!
Ty: can I tell you that I ate Thanksgiving leftovers and feel uncomfortably full - like an American after....oh, any meal I suppose
The Mayor: I love Thanksgiving leftovers. I could seriously eat nothing but dressing. Ew, know what my dad calls it? "Liner".

The girls are now getting in to cars to drive their asses through LA traffic for the go-see challenge. I could have done without this, as it was boring me to tears, but I do what I've gotta do to please you people. You can thank me by sending me a Skoal basket.

The Mayor: Oh noes...the go-sees are always the worst! Is there something wrong with me because I hate go-sees? Am I go-see predjudiced??
Ty: over-under on how many accidents we see.....< or > than 3? FUCK! where's the smash-up derby!!!!
I haven't been to one of those since the Uxbridge Fair
The Mayor: Me neither. I really enjoy Demo Derbies
But that's cause my blood is straight Kraft Dinner cheese sauce. White Trash 4 Lyfe.
Ty: squeeze that Our Compliments prepared mustard onto that No Name Hot Dog!!! Wrap that shit in Wonderbread! Mutter a racial slur!!! FUCK YES!
The Mayor: Know why I would fail this challenge? Because I can't drive worth a damn and I can't read a map for shit.
Ty: of course the Asian woman isn't driving!


The Mayor: So they're in a room with swords and ninja stars and martial arts shit, and my first thought was "Jennifer is going to sail through this". Um, what?? When did I turn into someone's backwards Grandma?
Ty: Man....some 15 year old pimply World of Warcraft dude just popped a boner of Ogre proportions. Lots of fetish shit tonight...
- diaper rash
- swords
- harnesses
- asian shit
- Mr. Jay
'stabbing apparatus' - I have one of those too. IN MY PANTS!



The Mayor: Tyra's weave looks expensive. I wonder how much it costs.
Ty: more than what I make in a month
The Mayor: Jessia White looks like Blu Cantrell
Ty: oh dear lord - Hit 'em up Style!
The Mayor: LOVE


BRITTANY
The Mayor: Oh my god, that woman was such a bitch to Brittany! LOVES IT. But for real, you DO NOT put your shoes on the table. Also, Brittany's mouth bothers me. I'm not sure why.
Ty: There's a reason why you look past Brittany, it's because she's this close to not being there. Brittany needs a shape - period.
The Mayor: Speaking of periods, Brittany probably doesn't get hers anymore - are you seeing how skinny that bitch is?
Ty: I do see that...she only bleeds due to penetration
The Mayor: Oh Ty....that was horrible, even by my standards
Ty: I do what I can do to keep you on your toes


ERIN
The Mayor: Erin's is just so blah to me - it looks like if anyone was up on a wire with a bunch of weapons
Ty: Yeh - she's boring
The Mayor: I couldn't think of who Erin reminded me of, but now I know!!! Selena Gomez, the white version:

Use your imagination a little. PS - this is some epic photoshop.


JENNIFER
The Mayor: "I would not book Jennifer" - ouch! Is it because the bitch has troubles with the eyes?


KARA
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHAHA - are you looking at Kara's poses??? They are terrible!
Ty: Oh no...almost a whole episode without smize. Smeyes? How the fuck do you spell that shit? -Wait....who cares, I'm never going to mention it again
The Mayor: I think it's Smize. Actually, I think it's stupid. Oh lawd, her posing looks like someone who has been in a wheelchair all their lives walking for the first time. Also I love that all the comments for Kara are like "her hair is dirty", "she looks messy", "Kara makes me nauseous"
Ty: Kara woke up next to an extra from Hot Shots Part Deux and really doesn't know where she is right now
The Mayor: Kara woke up next to Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn’s stand-in


LAURA
The Mayor: Yes!!!!! Runner up is my girl Cracker Barrel!! "It's diggin inna mah legs...that's definitely a negative" - oh Laura, always with the obviousness


NICOLE
The Mayor: You called first - Nicole. She deserved it. She's good, has a great attitude. Thumbs up. But…Nicole looks like she's wearing a diaper filled with poo. Oops! I Crapped My Pants, if you will.
Ty: Has Nicole really given any of these catty bitches a reason to hate her?
The Mayor: Not really - she's such background that you can't find a reason to dislike her. I, however, hate her because she's a drip. She finally won, which doesn't mean a damn thing. She got a jank-ass dress from Forever 21 and some danglies. Whoop. Dee. Doo


RAE
The Mayor: Rae, what are you doing? Stop making fun of Laura - she's the best and you are a dumb slut who chose her life path based on Madonna's Papa Don't Preach.
Ty: Rae could play Skeletor in the all girl version of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
The Mayor: Rae looks like background in a shitty direct to DVD Star Wars movie
Ty: That was a great Minny accent...I want to do Rae wrapped in flannel during a Twins game...with visions of Kirby Puckett in my head
The Mayor: Rae totally gave me some Drop Dead Gorgeous. Amber Atkins. Eh-elle-eh-bee-eh-em-eh. Alabama.


SUNDAI
The Mayor: Yikes, does Sundai have a tongue-ring? Ew! And you called bottom for the millionth time - the bottom two were Sundai and Kara, with Kara being cut...like her foreskin during her bris. Mazel Tov!

Next week on America's Next Top Shawty:

The Mayor: Ew, why is she crying so much? Stop it. That is not very becoming. Also I love this Young Jeezy/T-Pain Autotune "wannabeon taaaaap" song.

10.11.2009

"I've got a dick in here" - My sister ringing in this Thanksgiving

*Note: not me, but I wish!

Hello friends! I just wanted to let you know that we'll be back on Tuesday with a big fat greasy ANTM post (I know, I totally flaked on last week) and that I want to wish all my Canadian friends a Happy Thanksgiving (aka Smallpox-riddled Blankets to Natives Day) and a Hap-hap-happy Birthday to yours truly, ME. That's right - tomorrow is my birthday and I'm taking it off. I'll be spending the day eating leftover turkey, wearing stretchy pants, and Irishing up every drink within arms reach (aka Mom, you better hide the booze).

Aight, I'll see you all back here on Tuesday afternoon, and I promise to have two good posts. It's my gift to you. Speaking of which, I'm sure you're wondering what to get me for my birthday. It's not too late! Feel free to pop into your local 7-11 and get me any of the following:
- Computer cleaner
- Diet Coke
- Skoal (I prefer mint)
- Thompson's Water Sealer
- BeneFibre (I am ADDICTED to that stuff. Seriously, expect a post on that soon)

See you soon kids! Peace!

10.05.2009

Ask My Mom!

Hey friends, welcome to Monday! And welcome to Ask My Mom, where you asked your very important life questions and she answers. And remember - to Ask My Mom a question, simply email skipraid@gmail.com or leave it in the comments! Alright, hop in to your mom jeans and let's do this! Let's chat with the cuteness that is my mom, Mumma D.

What is the best recipe for Polish Apple Cake, and do I have to be Polish to enjoy said cake?

- Cake Lover

If you really want the BEST Polish apple cake recipe email me! Btw....it's called Jablecznik...apple cake just sounds too boring. As to whether you need to be Polish to enjoy it...duh!!!!...It's CAKE!

(5y)14y-7+9=y-4
Solve for y and don't forget to show your work!

- Sleepless in Seattle

Thank you Sleepless in Seattle or as I'd like to call you-Smartypants in Seattle! Y oh y r u posting a math problem here? I'm here 2 give work/relationship advice and 2 answer recipe and shiba inu questions! The good folks over at www.kumon.com would b more than happy 2 assist u with your "problem" Good luck! (geez...there's always 1 in every crowd)

At work there is another employee who is a serious b-word. This person is really unbareable. I think its because their life is crap, so they have to take out all their shit on everyone else. So heres my question: do i just ignore them and keep feeling sorry for them or should i tell them off. i should mention i really want to tell them off.
- Anonymous

Please define "a serious b-word": baby, browbeater, baker? If it's what I think it is.... (b as in witch ;) then just make up some crazy rumour that'll get her/him fired and your problem is solved....right?! KIDDING! Always take the high road. Arrange to meet this person to discuss this problem and how it's affecting you. Could be that their home life is in shambles or they're dealing with a medical problem and they just need someone to talk to. If they don't want to discuss their personal problems then meet with your boss and explain what's been happening (with documentation) DON'T tell this person off!! You may end up looking like the baddie (especially if they start wailing) and it could affect YOUR employee status! It's up to your boss to manage this workplace problem..not you.

Hi Mom. If i eat beets, and then go to the doctors for a urinary tract infection, and they see my pee is red...will I get time off work?

- Rachael

First off....you should seriously think about getting a new Dr. if you can pull this one off :/ Believe me, with or without the beet(le)juice you'll definitely be staying home with a UTI!! For heaven's sake... you must have been absent from health class the day they taught "taking care of your body" ....probably home with another UTI, poor thing :( Take those beets and use them for their intended purpose...borscht! (Another Polish recipe) Simmer up a tall pot and share with your co-workers after you've returned from sick leave ;)
Seriously though...do pay attention to your urine rainbow spectrum...yes, including pink and blue! M.D. may be my moniker but I'm no Doctor so always check with your health professional if you're feelin' blue!

Tip of the day
: If we're honest with ourselves we've ALL been "serious b-words" at work at least once. Showing care and compassion may diffuse a person's anger and help them understand they need to leave their problems outside the workplace....managing stress is hard. If all else fails.....bake a Polish apple cake and offer her/him a corner piece :)