10.14.2009

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 6

The Mayor: Can I tell you that I'm eating Girl Guide cookies right now? Americaaaaaa, Fuck Yeah!
Ty: can I tell you that I ate Thanksgiving leftovers and feel uncomfortably full - like an American after....oh, any meal I suppose
The Mayor: I love Thanksgiving leftovers. I could seriously eat nothing but dressing. Ew, know what my dad calls it? "Liner".

The girls are now getting in to cars to drive their asses through LA traffic for the go-see challenge. I could have done without this, as it was boring me to tears, but I do what I've gotta do to please you people. You can thank me by sending me a Skoal basket.

The Mayor: Oh noes...the go-sees are always the worst! Is there something wrong with me because I hate go-sees? Am I go-see predjudiced??
Ty: over-under on how many accidents we see.....< or > than 3? FUCK! where's the smash-up derby!!!!
I haven't been to one of those since the Uxbridge Fair
The Mayor: Me neither. I really enjoy Demo Derbies
But that's cause my blood is straight Kraft Dinner cheese sauce. White Trash 4 Lyfe.
Ty: squeeze that Our Compliments prepared mustard onto that No Name Hot Dog!!! Wrap that shit in Wonderbread! Mutter a racial slur!!! FUCK YES!
The Mayor: Know why I would fail this challenge? Because I can't drive worth a damn and I can't read a map for shit.
Ty: of course the Asian woman isn't driving!


The Mayor: So they're in a room with swords and ninja stars and martial arts shit, and my first thought was "Jennifer is going to sail through this". Um, what?? When did I turn into someone's backwards Grandma?
Ty: Man....some 15 year old pimply World of Warcraft dude just popped a boner of Ogre proportions. Lots of fetish shit tonight...
- diaper rash
- swords
- harnesses
- asian shit
- Mr. Jay
'stabbing apparatus' - I have one of those too. IN MY PANTS!



The Mayor: Tyra's weave looks expensive. I wonder how much it costs.
Ty: more than what I make in a month
The Mayor: Jessia White looks like Blu Cantrell
Ty: oh dear lord - Hit 'em up Style!
The Mayor: LOVE


BRITTANY
The Mayor: Oh my god, that woman was such a bitch to Brittany! LOVES IT. But for real, you DO NOT put your shoes on the table. Also, Brittany's mouth bothers me. I'm not sure why.
Ty: There's a reason why you look past Brittany, it's because she's this close to not being there. Brittany needs a shape - period.
The Mayor: Speaking of periods, Brittany probably doesn't get hers anymore - are you seeing how skinny that bitch is?
Ty: I do see that...she only bleeds due to penetration
The Mayor: Oh Ty....that was horrible, even by my standards
Ty: I do what I can do to keep you on your toes


ERIN
The Mayor: Erin's is just so blah to me - it looks like if anyone was up on a wire with a bunch of weapons
Ty: Yeh - she's boring
The Mayor: I couldn't think of who Erin reminded me of, but now I know!!! Selena Gomez, the white version:

Use your imagination a little. PS - this is some epic photoshop.


JENNIFER
The Mayor: "I would not book Jennifer" - ouch! Is it because the bitch has troubles with the eyes?


KARA
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHAHA - are you looking at Kara's poses??? They are terrible!
Ty: Oh no...almost a whole episode without smize. Smeyes? How the fuck do you spell that shit? -Wait....who cares, I'm never going to mention it again
The Mayor: I think it's Smize. Actually, I think it's stupid. Oh lawd, her posing looks like someone who has been in a wheelchair all their lives walking for the first time. Also I love that all the comments for Kara are like "her hair is dirty", "she looks messy", "Kara makes me nauseous"
Ty: Kara woke up next to an extra from Hot Shots Part Deux and really doesn't know where she is right now
The Mayor: Kara woke up next to Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn’s stand-in


LAURA
The Mayor: Yes!!!!! Runner up is my girl Cracker Barrel!! "It's diggin inna mah legs...that's definitely a negative" - oh Laura, always with the obviousness


NICOLE
The Mayor: You called first - Nicole. She deserved it. She's good, has a great attitude. Thumbs up. But…Nicole looks like she's wearing a diaper filled with poo. Oops! I Crapped My Pants, if you will.
Ty: Has Nicole really given any of these catty bitches a reason to hate her?
The Mayor: Not really - she's such background that you can't find a reason to dislike her. I, however, hate her because she's a drip. She finally won, which doesn't mean a damn thing. She got a jank-ass dress from Forever 21 and some danglies. Whoop. Dee. Doo


RAE
The Mayor: Rae, what are you doing? Stop making fun of Laura - she's the best and you are a dumb slut who chose her life path based on Madonna's Papa Don't Preach.
Ty: Rae could play Skeletor in the all girl version of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
The Mayor: Rae looks like background in a shitty direct to DVD Star Wars movie
Ty: That was a great Minny accent...I want to do Rae wrapped in flannel during a Twins game...with visions of Kirby Puckett in my head
The Mayor: Rae totally gave me some Drop Dead Gorgeous. Amber Atkins. Eh-elle-eh-bee-eh-em-eh. Alabama.


SUNDAI
The Mayor: Yikes, does Sundai have a tongue-ring? Ew! And you called bottom for the millionth time - the bottom two were Sundai and Kara, with Kara being cut...like her foreskin during her bris. Mazel Tov!

Next week on America's Next Top Shawty:

The Mayor: Ew, why is she crying so much? Stop it. That is not very becoming. Also I love this Young Jeezy/T-Pain Autotune "wannabeon taaaaap" song.

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