11.24.2009

This Bitch? (am I right or am I right)

Photoshopping blood; it's what I do best, I guess. So it's been a week since the Finale of America's Next Top Who Gives a Fuck, and this bowl of lukewarm soup was crowned "Best in Show". Congrats Nicole, you're going places...namely the chair beside the phone to wait for the agent who will never call. Hey, it's technically a location; plus its absorbent upholstery will soak up all your salty stoner tears.

Anyways, I feel bad for taking so long to write the Finale follow-up, but I just couldn't get jazzed about it. Ty and I watched it (obvies) but I lost our conversation, so you don't get our usual recap (I know. SADNESS). So instead we have a picture of Nicole as a weird possessed zombie, which I think we can all agree is a good compromise.

And with that, we hang up our hats on Cycle 13 of ANTM. But it's not all bleakness and depression (were you really that upset? I know, probably not). Cycle 14 will bring us way more amazingness and reasons to watch!!! Kimora returns to the judging table!! Miss J returns to runway coaching!! ANDRE LEON TALLEY!! Are you hearing this? The ANTM Judging panel just morphed into the bitchy girl table from your High School cafeteria. See you then!

11.17.2009

Yo! I have a new blog

Hello friends! I know it's been a while, but I have been rull busy. I started raising ferrets and they're taking up a lot more time than I thought. Did you know they need to be fed EVERY day? Ferrets are hard.

Anyways, I took some time off raising mah baybehs to start a new blog with my bff. We're both terrible at Photoshop but love making collages, so we figured "If it keeps us off the streets and inside our parent's basements, it's a-ok!" Click here to see the beauty. Warning! Don't look at it if you've been smoking peyote non-stop for the past 48-hours.

11.13.2009

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 10 - The Final Two


People, it happens next week. Bloody Eyeball vs. Spittle Country. WHO WILL WIN (Nicole, doye). WHO WILL LOSE (we all lose).

11.10.2009

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

SPOILER ALERT! My no-heart laughed and laughed...but I also felt bad for the bunny. You can tell he'd rather be in the arms of Alex Forrest than be forced to bash his paws on that piano. By the by: what do you think BB Stands for? I'm going to guess Bobby Brown (imagine?) but it's probably Bitchthisis Bullshit. Will someone check this rabbit's ID? This shit is going to keep me up at night!

Sidebar - shoutouts go out to my BFF who uses her boyfriend's cat Jean-Luc in the same way. She holds him up and makes it look like he's driving a car. Oh animals! Always making sure we're entertained (and well fed).

11.09.2009

Happy Monday! Y'all want a Do, Date or Dump?


Okay, so it's Monday night and I'm halfway The Big Bang Theory. I recently reacquainted myself with BBT after an extended hiatus (I'm not sure what else I was watching. Maybe some crappy VH1 show? Yeah, I'll go with that). Anyways, I was sitting here thinking of a post for tomorrow and realized "wait a second...this show is full of hotties (UNLIKELY). Why don't I do a Do, Date or Dump about The Big Bang Theory?" So here we are. Let's get nerdy!

Leonard (Johnny Galecki)
Shit, this is hard, because am I DD-or-D'ing their characters or the actors who play them? Because would I Dump Leonard (sorry, but I find him too whiny. And short. I know, I'm shallow) but I would Date Johnny Galecki. HEY - don't act like you didn't have a huge crush on him during his David Healy days (or his Russ Griswold days. You sicko).

Howard (Simon Helberg)
I LOVE Howard, so it's definitely a Do. Plus, I love those turtlenecks.

Rajesh
(Kunal Nayyar)
Um. Dump? I think? Or Do? I'm on the fence.

Sheldon (Jim Parsons)
DATE DATE DATE!!! I love Sheldon so much, and I don't care that he would Asperger me to death, I want to marry him. He can talk down to me anytime. I'd let him put his smugness in my stupidity (that doesn't even make sense). But sadly...I think that Jim Parsons may be gay. Which means, in no uncertain terms, does he want to put his peen in my vajeen. I did a rudimentary Google search, and it seems he's straight, but there are also rumours he is dating Kaley Cuoco (STEP OFF BITCH), so I don't even know what to think. So I'll finish with this:


Dear Jim Parsons

Look, I know you're a big-time celebrity, and I'm just a mildly-famous blogger, but I really think I could make a great wife. For example, I have amazing hair. This is important because you need to be seen with a terrific looking lady at all your big-time celebrity fuckfests. As well, I am not fat anymore, so I won't break red carpets or Johnny Galecki. Thirdly, I am very funny. This is important because you will have to be funny all day at work and you will want to come home and not be "on". I will make you laugh, and make you tasty dinners. Speaking of which, I am good at making eggs and toast, so we'll always have Breakfast for Dinner (everyone's favourite!) I'm also good at cereal (both hot and cold). As well as my kitchen skills, I will do sexy stuff with you but you need to constantly compliment me on my great hair and amazing skin. I used to have terrible acne and hair that looked like a bleached-out Halloween wig, and now I operate on compliments and narcissism. Deal with it. I am tall, like you, and I am prepared to tolerate that you're from Texas. One time I had a layover in the Dallas airport, and it was lovely!

Anyways, just marry me, K? I'll make you cookies.
xoxo

The Mayor

11.05.2009

Not being depressed and mopey: 1 Year Later

Hey friends! Let's all gather around the fire for little chat, shall we? Pull up a chair. Warm yourself a mug of Postum. Put on your sweatpants. Are you comfortable? Good. Let's chat.

It was exactly one year ago that I broke up with my boyfriend and moved out of the apartment we shared, and I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing. In the event you don't remember (or you never read it because you were thoroughly disinterested in my life) you can re-read it here. It's coming back to you isn't it; remember how mopey and sad-sacky I was? Good lord. I was like a 3-legged dog mated with a Cure album - SUPER SAD. Anyways, a year has passed and I thought it would be cool to go back and re-assess the Pros and Cons list I made about being single. What's changed in a year? What's stayed the same? What's with these lazy Skip-raid posts, am I right?

Being Single is Really Great


2008 I like that I don’t have to share by bed anymore
2009 Um, half and half. I'm a snuggler, and sometimes I miss having someone to cuddle up to.

2008 I can drink Diet Cokes for dinner and no one will tell me I “need to eat better”
2009 Yeah, this lasted for all of 9 months and then one morning I woke up looking like a fat-ass. I had to start eating like an adult (which also means I lost a shitload of weight. WIN)

2008 I can talk about my TV/real life crushes out loud
2009 Still do. I LOVE YOU, JOEL MCHALE!

2008 I will watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition without anyone telling me I am watching shitty TV
2009 If anything, I watch even more shitty TV than I have in my entire life. I love it. Do you think I could watch Toddlers and Tiaras if I still lived with my boyfriend? Well...I could, but I'd never hear the end of it.

2008 I watched How I Met Your Mother for the first time, just because I wanted to oogle Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris
2009 ...and now I watch it regularly for the sharp writing and clever story arcs.

2008 I want to buy nice underwear now
2009 AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm still in the same crappy American Apparel I was in a year ago. Maybe I'll start buying nice underwear (unlikely).

2008 I can go to the mall for 4 hours if I want to
2009 Oh, and I do. I also kill time at the Library now, and one time I spent an hour and a half in a Starbucks.

2008 I love pretending I give a shit when people talk about marriage (big mistake, suckers)
2009 I don't even pretend anymore. That "big mistake, suckers" has been promoted from parentheses to lead-in sentance.

2008 I can do anything I want
2009 I really can. Right now I am spending my extra time watching The Larry Sanders Show on DVD and learning French, and no one is telling me I'm neglecting them or not spending enough time with them. It's terrific (so is The Larry Sanders Show, by the way)

Being Single Licks Homeless Assholes

2008 I am lonely as shit
2009 Yeah, I was lonely in the beginning, but that was just during my adjustment to single life. I haven't felt true, profound loneliness in a very long time.

2008 Christmas is the loneliest holiday for single people
2009 I made this blanket statement before Christmas. I had a feeling I'd be spending my holidays like a Cathy-comic, so I decided to do everything in my power to reverse this. I baked. I hung out with friends. I made Christmas cards. I went for snow-walks. And last year I had a pretty good Christmas.

2008 I want to go to the movies with someone
2009 Not really. I started going to the movies by myself and I LOVE IT. If you have never gone to the movies by yourself, you need to try it. It's great! Plus, no one eats all your popcorn and you get to take the rest home and eat it in bed (that sounds like something Liz Lemon would do).

2008 I sometimes want to wake up on Saturday morning and have brunch with someone
2009 ...and I do. I call up my sister or a friend or go by myself. A man sitting across from you does not a brunch make.

2008 No one is here to laugh at my jokes
2009 Fuck that. I have a roommate who laughs at my jokes, and I have my mom (who is very patient and a real saint) who listens to my lame jokes on the phone. Plus, I have you turds (I know, single tear).

2008 I feel like I need to go to the gym
2009 I didn't need to go to the gym, but I did need to stop eating cookie dough for breakfast. I learned the hard way (aka getting too fat to fit into Urban Outfitters clothing).

2008 I don’t like having to shave my legs
2009 My friend Franca introduced me to Nair Wax Strips and now I can go weeks without worrying about whether or not my legs are gross. In general, I keep the same personal upkeep I did when I had a steady, except now I maybe wear makeup more often and I use hairspray.

So all in all, I'm still single. That's not to say I'm not dating; I just don't have a reason to change my facebook status just yet. So to all of you sad-sacks out there who are in the same, boat - cheer up! Life goes on, and being by yourself isn't bad - it's what you make of it. If you choose to mope and be sad and get fat and cry all the time, then that's what you'll be - a big, fat, crying Cthulu. Or you can realize how awesome your life is and go from there. High fives and smiles.

xo

The Mayor

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 9 - And Then There Were Four

Last night on ANTM was like a Ripley's Believe It or Not: we had a REAL, FAMOUS short model as the guest judge! And who was this currently-working (and not for JC Penney) model? That's right! None other than Victoria's Secret/Sports Illustrated/Maxim/Frequent Teenage Boy's Masturbation Subject Marissa Miller. But she wasn't there just to roll around in the sand for 13 minutes and show the girls how to walk on their tippy-toes; she also gave them hope for their own careers!

"Not only am I an American Supermodel, but I'm also 5'8!"

Yeah, I am so sure it has nothing to do with these:

You too can have a career that makes your father feel he made some pretty significant parenting mistakes during your formative years! All you need is enough money for a set of good boobs, a nose job, regular spray-tans, a full set of veneers, and the constant feeling that there is someone younger and prettier who will take your job. Fun times!

But honestly, having Marissa Miller guest on the show is like Oprah guest on a reality show called America's Next Top Black Female Television Host. "Hey ladies! If you work hard enough, you may have a career as successful as mine...but probably not, so don't get your hopes up." Could you imagine any of these girls doing what Marissa Miller does?


Yeah, I'm sure Maxim would sell a million copies. Sarcasm.

Moving on. I can't believe we've made it this far; last night's episode gave us our final 4 shawties, and can I say? It wasn't the four I had assumed. If I were to go back to my initial reaction to the models, I would have predicted Lulu, Brittany, Erin, and Nicole. But shocker amongst shockers; I really didn't think Sundial would make it this far. Week after week, she shot like one of the orphans from an off-off-off Broadway production of Annie.

Although there's nothing 8-year-old raggamuffin about this:


What is going on here? Sundial looks great! And yet, this wasn't enough to save her. In the words of Lilo & Stitch:
Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind.
Burn! Looks like you got left behind, Sundai! Just like in real life - you're not part of a family (OUCH. That was hurtful, even for me. Anything for a joke with this one). Let's move on before I make anymore "Sundai is from a broke-ass home" jokes.


Now for the winner, Jennifer. Doesn't this look like a Photoshop-Frankenstein? I feel like they just pieced together body parts and threw Jennifer's head on the top. And what the hell are they trying to sell in this shot? My Memaw's bolero jacket and an ill-fitting white swimsuit? No thanks.


Nicole Nicole Nicole...here's something my roommate and I thought of last night while watching this shitty underwater Cirque du Soleil; how much of these poses are planned, and how much is pure luck? Posing underwater isn't a skill, it's just something you try to do and hope you don't look like a complete fool. Don't get me wrong - Nicole owns this shot - but so would I if you put me in makeup and threw me in the water and told me to "pose for your life".


Oh Laura. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Has Laura won anything? I feel like they're keeping her around just for her down-home charm and homespun catchphrases. Canada has Can-Con laws; does America have Hokey Yankee laws? Does every show on American TV need to have an element of Southern American Republican Backwards-ness? Let's look into that. Someone get me the Google.


Last, but not least (but mostly last) we have Erin aka Bratty Bratty Brat Brat. Okay, so two people get the boot next week AT THE SAME TIME, and I am really hoping that Erin is the first to let the door hit her where the good lord split her. Sweet jesus, she is irritating. I feel like someone needs to take her down a few pegs and lay her ass out at a party. It would be like in A League of their Own when Tom Hanks whips the mitt at Stillwell and hits him in the face.

Next week on ANTM...
Two bitches get the boot, two models will march that catwalk like call girls on the Ho Stroll, and all of us will feel stupider for watching this crap. Love you long time! See you later!

11.04.2009

Romancing the Stone

Hey friends. As you know by now, it's no secret that, despite my undying hatred of hippies, I love hippie stuff. I am very easily tricked into buying the dumbest of shit when I walk into a Grassroots or Noahs; many times I have left a health food store with a paper bag full of pills that smell like a hamster cage. What I'm getting at is that I am an idiot. Here is but a small selection of stuff I have gotten into:
- all-natural shampoo bars (which, ps, don't work for shit)
- washing my face with ground-up rice powder
- the Diva Cup (which is actually decent and not that crazy)
- drinking hemp oil
- soap made from coal
- tea tree oil mouthwash (which tastes like hot garbage)
Needless to say, someone could sell me Special K re-labeled as Mother Earth Crunch and I would spend $12 on it. But there was one last dirtbag hippie threshold I had yet to cross: Crystal Deodorant.


Okay, so in the event you are well-adjusted and normal, allow me to describe what crystal deodorant is. It's a magic crystal that you put water on and rub under your arms, just like deodorant. Then you put it back into its container to dry, or possibly recharge, I'm not sure. One of my good friends has been using crystal deodorant for a while, so I decided to ask her to give me a few pointers on making the switch:

The Mayor: Okay, while I have you...let me ask you about hippie deodorant?

Ilana: Yes

The Mayor: Okay, so where did you hear about crystal deodorant? Because you are the first and only person I know to use it.

Ilana: The natural food store on the Danforth across from Canadian Tire. [Her boyfriend] actually used it first, and then I jumped on the bandwagon. And I think my friend Kim uses it, but yeah, not a lot of people.

The Mayor: When you don't use deodorant, do you smell that bad? Because I reek. One time I tried the Lush Deodorant Powder and I smelled so gross.

Ilana: It depends - when I'm not working, I don't think too much, but I work in a room with steam tanks so by mid-afternoon it always gets pretty warm, so I would be concerned to not have deodorant on.

The Mayor: Okay, but on like a regular basis - like if you didn't wear anything, you wouldn't smell?

Ilana: I'm not too sure really cause I always wear it. I realize this is not at all helpful.

The Mayor: It's cool. I think I may be I am an obscene smeller.

Anyways, I decided to document my journey from Dove Original to Crystal Deodorant. My sincerest apologies to the good people at Dove; you make a great product, but I am a moron and am easily convinced into buying bogus beauty products.

DAY ONE
Bought a crystal deodorant from The Nutrition House. I can't remember what kind (I tore off the label out of embarrassment) but I don't think it matters. I think the instructions told me I'm supposed to keep it in the fridge, but that's dumb and nobody tells me what to do, so its staying on my bathroom shelf.

DAY TWO

I followed the directions and wet it and put it on. I hate the feeling of wet armpits so much. It didn't dry completely so I had to wear a loose t-shirt. I kept smelling my arms to make sure it wasn't smelling like shit. When I went to bed I smelled my arms and they didn't smell terrible - I was even wearing a dirty shirt from the day before. Not bad.

DAY THREE
I couldn't smell if I was stinking, so I asked my roommate to smell my armpits, even though I thought I was crossing a line. I told her why I needed her to put her nose in my armpit and she told me that she uses crystal deodorant too, as if it's some kind of secret society. I feel like I'm in the Stonecutters now.

DAY FOUR
As of day four the deodorant was working (UNCOOL) so I decided to wear a tank top and grow out my pit hair to throw a wrench into things. Tanks tops always make me smell and pit hair - self explanatory. By the end of the day my armpits still don't smell like anything!

DAY FIVE
Crystal deodorant is Chronicles of Riddick. I wore the same shirt from the day before (that I also slept in) and it was fine all day. Blarg. I was hoping to smell like an out-of-work Persian cab driver.

DAY SIX

I finally shaved my arms in prep for Halloween, and also to test out how much this deodorant would sting when I applied it to freshly-shaved arms. It didn't sting. Miracle! I also spoke to my best friend and she told me she got tricked into crystal deodorant once too, but she reeked up the place. Apparently it's all the 'toxins' coming out of your armpits. What? I know.

DAY SEVEN
A whole week and I am really used to this magic deodorant. I like it a lot better than my old stuff, and I truthfully can't see myself going back to regular deodorant. There are no cons, only pros:
- reasonably priced (like $10 I think)
- lasts a year
- no smell (both perfumey and BO-y)
- no weird stains in your clothes
- still works in the morning
And trust me when I say it works - I smell terrible when I don't wear deodorant. I always sleep with my arms over my head and one time my ex-boyfriend came into the bedroom where I had been sleeping, opened the door, and his eyes started tearing up from the smell. He had to air out the room before he came to bed. Albeit this was when I was using only natural deodorant powder instead of drugstore deodorant, but still. According to him, it smelled like something had died in our bedroom. Fantastic!

OVERALL GRADE:
Oh, for sure I give health food store Crystal Deodorant a big A+