11.05.2009

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 9 - And Then There Were Four

Last night on ANTM was like a Ripley's Believe It or Not: we had a REAL, FAMOUS short model as the guest judge! And who was this currently-working (and not for JC Penney) model? That's right! None other than Victoria's Secret/Sports Illustrated/Maxim/Frequent Teenage Boy's Masturbation Subject Marissa Miller. But she wasn't there just to roll around in the sand for 13 minutes and show the girls how to walk on their tippy-toes; she also gave them hope for their own careers!

"Not only am I an American Supermodel, but I'm also 5'8!"

Yeah, I am so sure it has nothing to do with these:

You too can have a career that makes your father feel he made some pretty significant parenting mistakes during your formative years! All you need is enough money for a set of good boobs, a nose job, regular spray-tans, a full set of veneers, and the constant feeling that there is someone younger and prettier who will take your job. Fun times!

But honestly, having Marissa Miller guest on the show is like Oprah guest on a reality show called America's Next Top Black Female Television Host. "Hey ladies! If you work hard enough, you may have a career as successful as mine...but probably not, so don't get your hopes up." Could you imagine any of these girls doing what Marissa Miller does?


Yeah, I'm sure Maxim would sell a million copies. Sarcasm.

Moving on. I can't believe we've made it this far; last night's episode gave us our final 4 shawties, and can I say? It wasn't the four I had assumed. If I were to go back to my initial reaction to the models, I would have predicted Lulu, Brittany, Erin, and Nicole. But shocker amongst shockers; I really didn't think Sundial would make it this far. Week after week, she shot like one of the orphans from an off-off-off Broadway production of Annie.

Although there's nothing 8-year-old raggamuffin about this:


What is going on here? Sundial looks great! And yet, this wasn't enough to save her. In the words of Lilo & Stitch:
Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind.
Burn! Looks like you got left behind, Sundai! Just like in real life - you're not part of a family (OUCH. That was hurtful, even for me. Anything for a joke with this one). Let's move on before I make anymore "Sundai is from a broke-ass home" jokes.


Now for the winner, Jennifer. Doesn't this look like a Photoshop-Frankenstein? I feel like they just pieced together body parts and threw Jennifer's head on the top. And what the hell are they trying to sell in this shot? My Memaw's bolero jacket and an ill-fitting white swimsuit? No thanks.


Nicole Nicole Nicole...here's something my roommate and I thought of last night while watching this shitty underwater Cirque du Soleil; how much of these poses are planned, and how much is pure luck? Posing underwater isn't a skill, it's just something you try to do and hope you don't look like a complete fool. Don't get me wrong - Nicole owns this shot - but so would I if you put me in makeup and threw me in the water and told me to "pose for your life".


Oh Laura. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Has Laura won anything? I feel like they're keeping her around just for her down-home charm and homespun catchphrases. Canada has Can-Con laws; does America have Hokey Yankee laws? Does every show on American TV need to have an element of Southern American Republican Backwards-ness? Let's look into that. Someone get me the Google.


Last, but not least (but mostly last) we have Erin aka Bratty Bratty Brat Brat. Okay, so two people get the boot next week AT THE SAME TIME, and I am really hoping that Erin is the first to let the door hit her where the good lord split her. Sweet jesus, she is irritating. I feel like someone needs to take her down a few pegs and lay her ass out at a party. It would be like in A League of their Own when Tom Hanks whips the mitt at Stillwell and hits him in the face.

Next week on ANTM...
Two bitches get the boot, two models will march that catwalk like call girls on the Ho Stroll, and all of us will feel stupider for watching this crap. Love you long time! See you later!

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