Romancing the Stone

Hey friends. As you know by now, it's no secret that, despite my undying hatred of hippies, I love hippie stuff. I am very easily tricked into buying the dumbest of shit when I walk into a Grassroots or Noahs; many times I have left a health food store with a paper bag full of pills that smell like a hamster cage. What I'm getting at is that I am an idiot. Here is but a small selection of stuff I have gotten into:
- all-natural shampoo bars (which, ps, don't work for shit)
- washing my face with ground-up rice powder
- the Diva Cup (which is actually decent and not that crazy)
- drinking hemp oil
- soap made from coal
- tea tree oil mouthwash (which tastes like hot garbage)
Needless to say, someone could sell me Special K re-labeled as Mother Earth Crunch and I would spend $12 on it. But there was one last dirtbag hippie threshold I had yet to cross: Crystal Deodorant.

Okay, so in the event you are well-adjusted and normal, allow me to describe what crystal deodorant is. It's a magic crystal that you put water on and rub under your arms, just like deodorant. Then you put it back into its container to dry, or possibly recharge, I'm not sure. One of my good friends has been using crystal deodorant for a while, so I decided to ask her to give me a few pointers on making the switch:

The Mayor: Okay, while I have you...let me ask you about hippie deodorant?

Ilana: Yes

The Mayor: Okay, so where did you hear about crystal deodorant? Because you are the first and only person I know to use it.

Ilana: The natural food store on the Danforth across from Canadian Tire. [Her boyfriend] actually used it first, and then I jumped on the bandwagon. And I think my friend Kim uses it, but yeah, not a lot of people.

The Mayor: When you don't use deodorant, do you smell that bad? Because I reek. One time I tried the Lush Deodorant Powder and I smelled so gross.

Ilana: It depends - when I'm not working, I don't think too much, but I work in a room with steam tanks so by mid-afternoon it always gets pretty warm, so I would be concerned to not have deodorant on.

The Mayor: Okay, but on like a regular basis - like if you didn't wear anything, you wouldn't smell?

Ilana: I'm not too sure really cause I always wear it. I realize this is not at all helpful.

The Mayor: It's cool. I think I may be I am an obscene smeller.

Anyways, I decided to document my journey from Dove Original to Crystal Deodorant. My sincerest apologies to the good people at Dove; you make a great product, but I am a moron and am easily convinced into buying bogus beauty products.

Bought a crystal deodorant from The Nutrition House. I can't remember what kind (I tore off the label out of embarrassment) but I don't think it matters. I think the instructions told me I'm supposed to keep it in the fridge, but that's dumb and nobody tells me what to do, so its staying on my bathroom shelf.


I followed the directions and wet it and put it on. I hate the feeling of wet armpits so much. It didn't dry completely so I had to wear a loose t-shirt. I kept smelling my arms to make sure it wasn't smelling like shit. When I went to bed I smelled my arms and they didn't smell terrible - I was even wearing a dirty shirt from the day before. Not bad.

I couldn't smell if I was stinking, so I asked my roommate to smell my armpits, even though I thought I was crossing a line. I told her why I needed her to put her nose in my armpit and she told me that she uses crystal deodorant too, as if it's some kind of secret society. I feel like I'm in the Stonecutters now.

As of day four the deodorant was working (UNCOOL) so I decided to wear a tank top and grow out my pit hair to throw a wrench into things. Tanks tops always make me smell and pit hair - self explanatory. By the end of the day my armpits still don't smell like anything!

Crystal deodorant is Chronicles of Riddick. I wore the same shirt from the day before (that I also slept in) and it was fine all day. Blarg. I was hoping to smell like an out-of-work Persian cab driver.


I finally shaved my arms in prep for Halloween, and also to test out how much this deodorant would sting when I applied it to freshly-shaved arms. It didn't sting. Miracle! I also spoke to my best friend and she told me she got tricked into crystal deodorant once too, but she reeked up the place. Apparently it's all the 'toxins' coming out of your armpits. What? I know.

A whole week and I am really used to this magic deodorant. I like it a lot better than my old stuff, and I truthfully can't see myself going back to regular deodorant. There are no cons, only pros:
- reasonably priced (like $10 I think)
- lasts a year
- no smell (both perfumey and BO-y)
- no weird stains in your clothes
- still works in the morning
And trust me when I say it works - I smell terrible when I don't wear deodorant. I always sleep with my arms over my head and one time my ex-boyfriend came into the bedroom where I had been sleeping, opened the door, and his eyes started tearing up from the smell. He had to air out the room before he came to bed. Albeit this was when I was using only natural deodorant powder instead of drugstore deodorant, but still. According to him, it smelled like something had died in our bedroom. Fantastic!

Oh, for sure I give health food store Crystal Deodorant a big A+


Duke of Spook said...

I feel you on hippies - they for sure are terrible, but at the same time they know how to party, they're nice to one another and they seem to really like guitars.

The Mayor said...

No Way! You just listed why hippies are the worst!

Duke of Spook said...

What? You don't like parties and being nice? I guess we're both neutral on hippies but for different reasons. I disagree with their worship of gems.

The Mayor said...


Duke of Spook said...

yeah dude, me too. Some people (you and hippies and sorcerers) just like them more

Jane said...

We like hippies because they have WEED. Dur.