1.26.2010

Can I call a moratorium on Bacon?

I know I'm making enemies for life even by insinuating that I plan on spitting on Bacon's good name, but I can't hold back anymore. People, it's about damn time I said this:

Bacon: get over it.

Look, this happens every so once in a while, where people (namely douchebags and boring people) adopt some meaningless blip on the pop-culture radar and drive its relevancy into the ground. It's kind of like this:

(Average shit-head) "I have nothing to talk about at this party/work/first date and I want to sound epicly cool, so I'm going to bring up how much I love _____ in a totally un-ironic way (even though I 100% don't actually like it or know anything about it or give 2 rats asses) because I heard the cool guy at work mention it (like, one fucking time) and I've been seeing lots of HIGH-lariously funny/borderline sexist t-shirts at American Eagle about it. Then I will reference something stupid that people have known about for 6 months and pretend I'm the first person to talk about it."

You get it? It's like trying to make Fetch happen, but then it actually happens and you pray for the morning you wake up deaf. So yeah, bacon. Remember when it was Mullets? Ninjas? Stuff White People Like? Exactly. You couldn't walk 2 feet without someone describing some dirt-poor gas station attendant's hair as "this wicked mullet that I totally wish I had!" (no, you don't) or referring to themselves as some kind of a noun + "ninja", as in:
Person 1: How did you get that beer?
Person 2: I'm a beer-ninja.

KILL ME. Anyways, back to bacon. I really don't want you to get the idea that I'm a bacon-denier of any kind. I love BLTs. When I go out for brunch, I always ask for bacon in my eggs benedict instead of peameal (or "Canadian Bacon" to my 'Merican readers). There's no denying it's delicious. But COME FUCKING ON!!(Image courtesy of This Is Why You're Fat)
That isn't anything! It's just a pound of bacon between two buns! That could be anything; a whole turkey or 19 sticks of butter or a can of housepaint. But it's bacon, so everybody goes crazy and it turns into Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw: LOOK AT THIS AMAZING SANDWICH!IWANTONE! NOM NOM NOM!!! Um, sorry? Let's forget for a second that this much bacon would literally stop your heart from working and in the event you didn't die from cardiac arrest, you brain would probably just up and quit this bitch. So let's get all that messy science and health shit clear before I address Itis. If you don't know what that is, sorry! Go google it. I usually get The Itis from bacon after about 6 slices; hell, let's just play Devil's Advocate and say 8. So, 8 slices before I become too meat drunk to eat or breath or maintain vision. How many slices are in that sandwich? Like, 50? Exactly - I'd give someone 4, 5 bites tops, before The Itis sets in. Which leaves us with...a shitload of bacon sliding into the trash. So what's the point?!?! In theory, you could impress people by filling up a 7-11 dumpster with delicious smoked bacon, but that doesn't mean you should. It's like saying "look how much food I can waste! Fuck you, starving people clinging to hope that the next plane you see overhead drops enough food for your neighborhood this time so it doesn't end in a hopeless bloodbath, I'm wasting BACON!!!"

And another thing. When you talk about how much you loooooooove bacon, you sound like when Cathy (the comic) talks about Chocolate; that is to say, endlessly and pointlessly. Really, who doesn't love chocolate, Cathy? Have you ever run into someone who is like "Chocolate? Oh FUCK! GROSS! Who eats that garbage? It tastes like hot diapers!" Well, the same goes for bacon; save for vegetarians, have you ever heard someone say "bacon? Oh, that's the WORST kind of meat. Worse than haggis and dog meat". Exactly, because bacons is delicious, just like the sky is blue and New Jersey is a shithole. But we don't need to go overboard with it. It's getting a little tiring.

So I propose we take a break with the bacon love for a second. That means no more this:Or this...
And for the love of god NO MORE THIS:
Okay? That's all I ask. Let's let bacon take a nap in the Used-to-be-Cool Graveyard, where it can chill with Trucker Hats and Snapple.

1.25.2010

Monday Funday Link-Day

Hey guys! Welcome to Monday. I wish I had something more substantial for you today, but sadly this weekend was a bit of a shit-show. Not as in "it was shitty, I hate my life, I'm so emo, wah wah wah" but that it was super-dupes busy. I actually capped off my weekend by seeing It's Complicated with my 80-year-old Aunt. That's not a punchline, people, that actually happened (and, dare I say it, it was actually really fucking funny). Anyways, you know that when I get lazy/tired I sort of pass off my blogging duties to the internets and let them raise you. Alright, strap on your jam-jams, you're going to Daycare! Enjoy the following links that I really like this week, and I'll see y'all tomorry!

Cracked: New Jersey: New York City's trash can

The Onion: Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

Shiba Inu Puppies!!!!


An awesome gallery of cupcakes from Montreal (love the Teletoon Retro ones).

My favourite song right now.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" (WARNING: There are some pretty graphic shots of workplace accidents. While both hilarious and terribly fake, they could make some people feel womp-womp in their tumtums).

This will definitely end with a very strong antibiotic prescription.

This will be the second time I mention this in a public forum, but I really want the Hugh Grant one.

It's no secret that I LOVE The Family Circus, but I also love Scott Meets Family Circus, so it's a dilemma for me.

You'd think the whole bible done in LEGO would be cool, but...here were are (jk - it's actually pretty sweet. And in case you have ever sat there thinking 'I wonder what The Mayor's favourite bible story is?' well, it's this one. You're welcome).

The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time.

1.21.2010

I have a new job!

Hey turds! Whatup? Okay, so as you may know I was working from home for the past couple of months, and that picture isn't just a space-filler - that is EXACTLY what I started to look like. Well...I didn't exactly gain 100lbs to go on worker's comp, but I did embrace the muumuu pretty aggressively. Anyways, since I now have a job with a desk and responsibilities (and a starting time of 9 o'clock) I thought I might go back and walk you through an average day for me when I was working from home. Ready, set, spaghetti - here we go!

8:00am
My alarm would go off, and I would either listen to radio news or fall back asleep. 9 times out of 10 I would fall back asleep.

9:00am
This is when I would engage in a little activity called Bundling. This is where I take my duvet, sheets, blankets, and pillows and pile them all around me like a bird in a nest. This can take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes.

9:25am
I usually shower and brush my teeth. Just because I work from home doesn't mean I need to smell like stale armpits and shit-mouth all day. I'd also pick out my favourite house-dress: a patchwork quilty thing with a broken strap. I wouldn't wear socks or tights. I seriously looked like a hillbilly that wandered into town. "Gaw-lee! Lookat them tallavisions!"

10:00am
Typically I would make a hot breakfast, like oatmeal, and eat it on the couch while watching The Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb. If I had time, I'd sign in to work and check some emails (this was usually if The Today Show had a lame guest like Michael Buble).

11:00am
THE VIEW!!! I wish I could say I watched it ironically, but that would be a lie. That shit is addictive. You look me in the eye and tell me you don't have a deep appreciation for Whoopi "Molly, you in danger, girl" Goldberg. What? Exactly.

(Sidebar: I would try to fit in work during commercials. Well...maybe that's not the right word. I would try to try).

12:00pm
Morning Mom TV is now over, so I'll throw on Degrassi: The Next Generation. They were re-airing Season 3 last month, which was awesome. Remember when Craig went crazy and crashed Ashley's dad's gay wedding?!?! Remember when Rick got shamed at the Reach for the Top taping?? And then he went home and got his dad's gun and shot Jimmy?!?! These are the days of our lives.

12:30pm
This is when CTV would air Instant Star (BARF) so I would turn off the TV and do some work. JOKES! I'd watch Video on Trial on MuchMusic to remind myself that there are other comedians out there worse than me (KIDDING!...sort of)

1:00pm
Lunch time. Since my grocery shopping involves the convenience store down the street, lunch was usually a bowl of cereal. I'm partial to Special K, but this Fall I developed a pretty heavy taste for Honey Nut Cheerios.

1:30pm
Work time! Now, don't go thinking I'm sitting at a desk talking to corporate or promoting synergy. It's more like a homeless-looking woman hunched over a laptop on her couch.

2:00pm
Hells yes, it's time for a break! I would usually extend this break over a 30-minute period to include a viewing of the hit Food Network television show Unwrapped. Never seen it? It's like How It's Made but for fatty American foodstuffs. I LOVE IT.

2:30pm
There is absolutely NOTHING on television at 2:30pm, and trust me - I've tried to find something, anything. The best I can do is Wonder Pets on Treehouse, but it sort of jumped the shark when they added that Bunny character. Also, it's a show FOR FUCKING 4-YEAR-OLDS.

3:00pm
Nap time. Usually I couldn't be bothered to make it up to my bedroom, so I would just grab a cat-nap on the couch while Dr. Phil played in the background. What's falling asleep to the nasal drone of Phil McGraw while he listens to white-trash middle-American's problems like? Exactly how you'd think - MAGICAL.

4:00pm
OPRAH!!!! But only if it was new or interesting (and most of the time it wasn't) so this is when I would wrap up work for the day. I'd make any extra calls needed or tie up any outstanding research.

4:45pm
I'd walk to the corner store at this time and buy some kind of chocolate and a tallcan of Arizona Green Ice-T. So...bascially, I'm a 15-year-old.

5:00pm
This is one of my favourite times of the day - the official turning point between "good afternoon" and "good evening". And once it's evening, it means it's time for me to put on my robe and slippers and enjoy a snifter of brandy by the fire. And by robe and slippers, I of course mean sweatpants, and by snifter of brandy by the fire I mean Kraft Dinner while watching Dr. Oz.

6:00pm
My roommate now gets home, so we plan our evening together. It usually involves me convincing her to watch Bridezilla shows on Slice and eating popcorn or candy and drinking litres of hot tea. This usually goes on till about 10:00pm, when we think about going to bed. My roommate will actually follow-through, but I'll end up getting sucked in by Jay Leno and his cheap lure of Headlines and Jaywalking.

ALTERNATE EVENING

6:00pm
If my roommate chooses to go to her boyfriend's house for the night, I then watch Jersey Shore re-runs and paint my fingernails till it's time for Bundling 2 to commence. I can practically feel your jealousy through the computer screen.

So yeah! That was my day, every day, for 4 months. After awhile I was so attention-starved that I made friends with the Chinese lady who owns the convenience store - actually, scratch that - I tried to be friends with the lady who owned the convenience store, but I really just became more of an annoyance for her. Once a week I would go pick up a scratchy (my adorable colloquialism for scratch-and-win lottery ticket) and I would make lame jokes about "hopefully the next time you see me, I'm bringing this winning ticket back to you!" and she would roll her eyes and go "Yeah, sure. Yo do dat. I wait foe you". Everyday when I would pick up my tallcan of Arizona and would go "so thirsty!" and smile with this shit-eating grin (give me a break - she was the only human contact I would make for days) and she would just shake her head while thinking to herself "Ten years ago I leave Heilongjiang Province for Canada. Better life, Guowei say, we own business make lot of money. Now I stand here day in day out looking at same pasty Gwailo buying shitty sugar water in same shitty hillbilly dress. Maybe one day Beach Convenience go up in flames, make look like accident. Take insurance money and run. Someday, Mei-mei, someday."

Whoah, you know I need to broaden my horizons when my Chinese dialoge is referenced solely from The Joy Luck Club and the "City Wok" episode of South Park. Gung Hey Fat Choi, see you next week!!

1.10.2010

Christmas at Cracker Barrel!

Hey friends! I know it's a little late to be doing a Christmas-themed post, but if you're anything like me, you probably wish Christmas was a year-round thing. I personally miss the Bailey's buzz I'd have around 11am every morning (you know...and Mariah Carey all the damn time) so this post warms the cockles of my heart just a titch. Alright, let me set this up for you. During the first weekend in December, my good friend Tony Pepperoni and I decided to load up the wood-paneled family truckster and cross the sacred Canada/USA border for some cheap shopping and 'Merican deals. Obviously we can get deals in Canada, but we don't have Target (bummer) and that's where you get the best stuff on the cheap. Sure, we have Wal-Mart (ghetto) and Zellers (for those who enjoy the relentless stench of melted chocolate bars and urine), but their stock is sub-par to say the least. Definitely not the kind of stuff you would give your family and loved ones for Christmas. We made sure to leave time for lunch at Cracker Barrel, because I wanted to pick up some things for people and because Cracker Barrel is delicious (durr).

Now, I have written about Cracker Barrel before, but this was in the Spring/Summer when you're bound to find their regular stock (this is when I like to call it C+C Jesus Factory - candy and Christ. Really, go touch anything in that store. Is it edible? It's some kind of candy. It's not edible? Then it's some kind of weird Christian shit). But Christmas at Cracker Barrel is a very special time when the Old Country Store barfs up more crazy, glittery, fake-snow-covered crap than you can imagine; it's like walking into a sad divorcee's house. Everything has a forced smile painted on its face and the Alan Jackson is jacked up loud enough to muffle the sounds of profound weeping coming from the laundry room. Are you ready to take a look at what I saw?

Seeing Thanksgiving items this close to Christmas is absolutely baffling to me as a Canadian, as we put away our Pilgrim-Kitties by the 3rd week of October. But for serious, are you looking at the company's name up top? Thanksgiving Traditions. In what horrific, backwards world is a cat dressed up as a 17th Century pilgrim considered a traditional icon of Thanksgiving? Sidenote: see that cord? The cat lights up. WHY?

It wouldn't be Cracker Barrel without calendars dedicated to Jesus! I was hoping that this calendar would be 12 months of hilarious church signs (like these) but sadly they were of the boring, inoffensive kind. Pardon my French, but who the fuck wouldn't get bored to death after reading "God answers knee-mail" for 30 goddamned days? God, give me a calendar I can work with!

Whoah! I take it back - gimme that church signs calendar, please. This has got to be one of the most depressing calendars I have ever seen: it's just pictures of crosses in America. Spoiler Alert! They're all from southern states that end in A. And while I'm sure there is some kind of redneck-with-an-itchy-lighter-finger/burning crosses joke in here somewhere, I'll let you find it. It's my treat to you.

Plaid Tidings? Plaid Tidings?!?!?! The Pun-Crafters at the Cracker Barrel are punning at a much higher level than we are. I wish the item in the box was as amazing as the brand-name, but sadly it was just a shitty angel.
Editor's Note: I totally just noticed the creepy children in the lower left-hand corner of the picture. NIGHTMARES!

There isn't anything to make fun of this card for; I would have loved to have received this in my mail box this Christmas. However, do you see how many are left in the rack? Get rid of the tree and reindeer from that cat's sweater, slap on a cross, and those cards would have been selling like hotcakes.

I really wanted to make a joke about this "spy camera" for kids, but it was brought to my attention that it looks eerily similar to the Nikon I currently use. That's right folks - hick kids in Buffalo have a play-camera that is just a little more sophisticated than mine. The sads :(

This gingerbread man doll (toy? decoration?) looks like a prop from a North Pole courtroom. "Show them on the doll where Blitzen touched you." Your Honor, please have the jury note the witness pointed to the candy cane.
(I actually debated whether or not to write "peppermint butt-hole". Don't laugh at that, that's sick!)

What in God's name is going on with that snowman's legs?!?! Santa Maria, that is oddly disturbing, in a White Christmas-meets-David Lynch way. Look, I'm no puritan, but snowmen have the following appendages:
- head
- body
- stick arms
- eyes
- nose
- hat
- sometimes genitals made from carrots and coal (depending on how many "Holiday Beers" you've had)
You know what they don't have? Exactly, legs. They are meant to lumber around menacingly, not skip through town like your annoying cousin who just discovered musical theatre. Do not want.

And with that comes the last picture, the one that I feel truly sums up my winter trip to Cracker Barrel. Only a Cracker Barrel would be adjacent to a street named after a terribly unfunny comic about an overweight cat and his manic-depressive owner. Goodnight everybody!

1.06.2010

What I plan on doing in 2010

Welcome back, friends! How are you all doing? I'm actually very sick with a cold right now (I know...like you care) so I'm not as spry as I could be. Today was the first time I left my home in over 48 hours, and it was to get lemon-lime Gatorade, chocolate, Dirty D, and a scratch-and-win. I urge you to click that link; I re-read it and it made me laugh (but go ahead and ask my sister - I LOVE laughing at my own jokes). Anyways, sitting sick on the couch has given me time to think about things, and here are some things I really want to accomplish this year:

1. More Drawing
I think I may have mentioned before that I went to art school (which is to say that I wrote a cheque to art school for $20,000 and it didn't bounce). I used to draw a lot more than I do now, and I miss doing it. You know, maybe just do a few pastel watercolour cottages with strong Christian overtones.

2. Stand-up Comedy
ACK! I have been toying with this idea for months now, and it scares the shit out of me. Like, thinking of speaking on a stage has me literally crapping my pants. I mean, maybe soiling myself could be part of my schtick? Would that work? I could be That Girl with Terrible Jokes who Defecates on Stage. Really, it's the next logical step in my life.
Editor's Note: I think this may be the year I move away from so much poop-talk. Oh, who am I kidding...2010 will be the year of poop (I checked a Chinese calendar).

3. Buy a Butter Dish
That may have been the least-offensive thing ever written on The Skip-raid.

4. More Interviews
I haven't done a good interview in a while, and you know I love me some interviews. I think the first person I pursue like Pepé Le Pew will be The Comics Curmudgeon. Really, you should start reading it - much funnier than I.
Editor's Note: Are you seriously reading that Family Circus? How old is Billy, like 5? Why the hell does he have a blog? Isn't the Keane family super-Christian? All the super Christians I know would never let their kids dabble in anything as satanic as The Internet.

5. Stop Believing the Moon Landing Was a Fake
Did you feel that? It was the energy generated from 1000 eyes rolling. Look, I'm no Det. Munch from SVU - I don't believe ALL the crazy conspiracy theories I hear - but I have a very hard time believing the Apollo 11 wasn't faked. Sorry! There are just too many coincidences and questions, and I get this eerie feeling that Buzz Aldrin is going to let the cat out of the bag on his deathbed (then who will get the last laugh, hmm? Well...not me, per se. If anything that would be depressing and sad and many will probably chalk it up to the advances stages of dementia. So I guess finding out the Moon Landing was faked is like finding out about Santa Claus; you sort of know all along, but it doesn't feel good when you find out the truth. HOW DEEP DID I JUST GET?!?!?!)

1.04.2010

It's 2010...let's look back at the past decade like old people reminiscing about when Werthers weren't "so gut-darn expensive"

Welcome to 2010, everybody! I thought I'd give you a few days to recover from New Years (or should I say Too(Many) Beers? Oh, see what I did there?! Punny! I should write for The Family Circus...although I doubt they would want to stray from their patented brand of hard-core Christianity). Moving on. Remember when I said I wasn't about to do a decade look-back like so many blogs were doing? Because I was so above it? Well, remember how I'm also very short-sighted and hypocritical? Exactly. Well it wasn't 24 hours into 2010 that I thought "holy shit, why the hell didn't I do a look-back?" I think it happened shortly after I read my Crazy Frog Penis piece for the third time when I realized I could do much better than a story about animated amphibian genitals (although don't get me wrong; Crazy Frog's junk still represents 2000-2009 for me). Anyways, here are some tidbits and turds from the past 10 years that are permanently scarred into my brain.

A&E's Intervention
Oh my god, tell me there is a better show on television than Intervention. Do it. Okay, now that that's out of your system, can I tell you that if you had told me that in person, I would have slapped your face for running your fool mouth like that? Don't EVER talk about Intervention like that again! Seriously, fuck the D.A.R.E. program - show this to high school kids, and I promise you drug use in teens would be down 800%


Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
Okay, I'm about to address a bit of a touchy subject: not everyone loves Tim & Eric. I get it, okay? Not all of you find Tom Goes To The Mayor or Awesome Show, Great Job! funny. It doesn't mean I agree with you (I don't) but I can accept that you think it's stupid or lame or just not funny or boring or whatever. But listen a second, okay? Name two people - shit, name ONE person - as creative or different or new-feeling as Tim & Eric. It's hard, right? Exactly. Tim & Eric for me is like seeing a new colour or hearing an unfamiliar sound.


David Sedaris
David Sedaris has been around since 1992, but it wasn't till the early part of the '00s that he found mainstream success. I know that Sedaris' books aren't particularly poignant or brilliant, but they did renew my love for reading, and that in itself is a big deal.

Strangers with Candy
I know I'm cutting it very close with this one, since it was released in 1999, however, it wasn't released on DVD till the '00s, which is when I gained access to it (since Canada is a Turd Ferguson and won't air the same shows as its American counterparts). It's just a shame that the movie Strangers with Candy blew so, so hard.



2009: The Year that Everyone Died

Seriously? Here's the shortlist:
Captain Lou Albano (THE BEST! Motherfucking Super Mario used his last warp whistle and took the big green pipe to Heaven)
DJ AM (that was fucking weird, right?)
Bea Arthur (WHY, GOD, WHY?!?! Don't take Betty White next, or I'll kill you)
Billy Mays (Billy Mays here)
Brittany Murphy (no! not Tai in Clueless)
Ed McMahon (who will give out the giant cheques now?!?!)
Farrah (nooooooo!!!!!)
Henry Gibson (fuck you, I was super sad about this - he was the creepy Doctor from The Burbs)
THE SWAYZE (unfair)
...and I feel like I'm missing someone, but I can't remember :(

Good riddance to bad rubbish
To me, the later part of the '00s was a good time for people to step out of their shitty piles of doo doo and make a better career for themselves. Case in point:
Justin Timberlake: left N'SYNC (which is a criminal embarrassment in itself) and became even richer and even famous'er and actually made songs that didn't leave my ears pooling with blood.
Tina Fey: left the slowest sinking ship SNL, where she was nothing more than a crappy haircut and crappier purple suits (and background for prettier girls like Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler) and created 30 Rock, which is bad ass.
Ted Allen: left Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which in itself was a pit so deep and full of turds that it would require years and years to put that shame behind you, and yet? Ted Allen is now pretty much King of the Food Network (hosting Chopped, Food Detectives, judging Iron Chef America and Top Chef, and is a contributing writer for Esquire).
Lindsay Lohan: left profitable movies and the respect of Hollywood and 100% of her dignity to become the World's Most Famous Crackhead. Good for you, girl! A reputation ain't nothin' but a G thang.

Arrested Development
OBVIOUSLY! Thank go we have 30 Rock, otherwise I have no idea how I would fill the void left in my heart. Goddamn, that show was brilliant beyond brilliant; I'm almost glad it was canceled, so that I never had to witness its inevitable shark-jumping.


UPDATE: I totally forgot Chappelle's Show, MTV Canada with Paul the Intern, the 4th hour of the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb, and 9/11 being the literal incarnation of a drunk girl at a party who keeps reminding people that she's drunk (we get it, 9/11, you happened...get over it).