I have a new job!

Hey turds! Whatup? Okay, so as you may know I was working from home for the past couple of months, and that picture isn't just a space-filler - that is EXACTLY what I started to look like. Well...I didn't exactly gain 100lbs to go on worker's comp, but I did embrace the muumuu pretty aggressively. Anyways, since I now have a job with a desk and responsibilities (and a starting time of 9 o'clock) I thought I might go back and walk you through an average day for me when I was working from home. Ready, set, spaghetti - here we go!

My alarm would go off, and I would either listen to radio news or fall back asleep. 9 times out of 10 I would fall back asleep.

This is when I would engage in a little activity called Bundling. This is where I take my duvet, sheets, blankets, and pillows and pile them all around me like a bird in a nest. This can take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes.

I usually shower and brush my teeth. Just because I work from home doesn't mean I need to smell like stale armpits and shit-mouth all day. I'd also pick out my favourite house-dress: a patchwork quilty thing with a broken strap. I wouldn't wear socks or tights. I seriously looked like a hillbilly that wandered into town. "Gaw-lee! Lookat them tallavisions!"

Typically I would make a hot breakfast, like oatmeal, and eat it on the couch while watching The Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb. If I had time, I'd sign in to work and check some emails (this was usually if The Today Show had a lame guest like Michael Buble).

THE VIEW!!! I wish I could say I watched it ironically, but that would be a lie. That shit is addictive. You look me in the eye and tell me you don't have a deep appreciation for Whoopi "Molly, you in danger, girl" Goldberg. What? Exactly.

(Sidebar: I would try to fit in work during commercials. Well...maybe that's not the right word. I would try to try).

Morning Mom TV is now over, so I'll throw on Degrassi: The Next Generation. They were re-airing Season 3 last month, which was awesome. Remember when Craig went crazy and crashed Ashley's dad's gay wedding?!?! Remember when Rick got shamed at the Reach for the Top taping?? And then he went home and got his dad's gun and shot Jimmy?!?! These are the days of our lives.

This is when CTV would air Instant Star (BARF) so I would turn off the TV and do some work. JOKES! I'd watch Video on Trial on MuchMusic to remind myself that there are other comedians out there worse than me (KIDDING!...sort of)

Lunch time. Since my grocery shopping involves the convenience store down the street, lunch was usually a bowl of cereal. I'm partial to Special K, but this Fall I developed a pretty heavy taste for Honey Nut Cheerios.

Work time! Now, don't go thinking I'm sitting at a desk talking to corporate or promoting synergy. It's more like a homeless-looking woman hunched over a laptop on her couch.

Hells yes, it's time for a break! I would usually extend this break over a 30-minute period to include a viewing of the hit Food Network television show Unwrapped. Never seen it? It's like How It's Made but for fatty American foodstuffs. I LOVE IT.

There is absolutely NOTHING on television at 2:30pm, and trust me - I've tried to find something, anything. The best I can do is Wonder Pets on Treehouse, but it sort of jumped the shark when they added that Bunny character. Also, it's a show FOR FUCKING 4-YEAR-OLDS.

Nap time. Usually I couldn't be bothered to make it up to my bedroom, so I would just grab a cat-nap on the couch while Dr. Phil played in the background. What's falling asleep to the nasal drone of Phil McGraw while he listens to white-trash middle-American's problems like? Exactly how you'd think - MAGICAL.

OPRAH!!!! But only if it was new or interesting (and most of the time it wasn't) so this is when I would wrap up work for the day. I'd make any extra calls needed or tie up any outstanding research.

I'd walk to the corner store at this time and buy some kind of chocolate and a tallcan of Arizona Green Ice-T. So...bascially, I'm a 15-year-old.

This is one of my favourite times of the day - the official turning point between "good afternoon" and "good evening". And once it's evening, it means it's time for me to put on my robe and slippers and enjoy a snifter of brandy by the fire. And by robe and slippers, I of course mean sweatpants, and by snifter of brandy by the fire I mean Kraft Dinner while watching Dr. Oz.

My roommate now gets home, so we plan our evening together. It usually involves me convincing her to watch Bridezilla shows on Slice and eating popcorn or candy and drinking litres of hot tea. This usually goes on till about 10:00pm, when we think about going to bed. My roommate will actually follow-through, but I'll end up getting sucked in by Jay Leno and his cheap lure of Headlines and Jaywalking.


If my roommate chooses to go to her boyfriend's house for the night, I then watch Jersey Shore re-runs and paint my fingernails till it's time for Bundling 2 to commence. I can practically feel your jealousy through the computer screen.

So yeah! That was my day, every day, for 4 months. After awhile I was so attention-starved that I made friends with the Chinese lady who owns the convenience store - actually, scratch that - I tried to be friends with the lady who owned the convenience store, but I really just became more of an annoyance for her. Once a week I would go pick up a scratchy (my adorable colloquialism for scratch-and-win lottery ticket) and I would make lame jokes about "hopefully the next time you see me, I'm bringing this winning ticket back to you!" and she would roll her eyes and go "Yeah, sure. Yo do dat. I wait foe you". Everyday when I would pick up my tallcan of Arizona and would go "so thirsty!" and smile with this shit-eating grin (give me a break - she was the only human contact I would make for days) and she would just shake her head while thinking to herself "Ten years ago I leave Heilongjiang Province for Canada. Better life, Guowei say, we own business make lot of money. Now I stand here day in day out looking at same pasty Gwailo buying shitty sugar water in same shitty hillbilly dress. Maybe one day Beach Convenience go up in flames, make look like accident. Take insurance money and run. Someday, Mei-mei, someday."

Whoah, you know I need to broaden my horizons when my Chinese dialoge is referenced solely from The Joy Luck Club and the "City Wok" episode of South Park. Gung Hey Fat Choi, see you next week!!


Jenn L said...

what is your new job?!

ty said...

I really wish we could have done a job switch - Imagine....you, extolling the virtues of Nyquil and Chongalicious to the silly-putty-esque minds of my students while I get reacquainted with blankets and Regis. argg! WHERE'S RUFUS????

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