1.04.2010

It's 2010...let's look back at the past decade like old people reminiscing about when Werthers weren't "so gut-darn expensive"

Welcome to 2010, everybody! I thought I'd give you a few days to recover from New Years (or should I say Too(Many) Beers? Oh, see what I did there?! Punny! I should write for The Family Circus...although I doubt they would want to stray from their patented brand of hard-core Christianity). Moving on. Remember when I said I wasn't about to do a decade look-back like so many blogs were doing? Because I was so above it? Well, remember how I'm also very short-sighted and hypocritical? Exactly. Well it wasn't 24 hours into 2010 that I thought "holy shit, why the hell didn't I do a look-back?" I think it happened shortly after I read my Crazy Frog Penis piece for the third time when I realized I could do much better than a story about animated amphibian genitals (although don't get me wrong; Crazy Frog's junk still represents 2000-2009 for me). Anyways, here are some tidbits and turds from the past 10 years that are permanently scarred into my brain.

A&E's Intervention
Oh my god, tell me there is a better show on television than Intervention. Do it. Okay, now that that's out of your system, can I tell you that if you had told me that in person, I would have slapped your face for running your fool mouth like that? Don't EVER talk about Intervention like that again! Seriously, fuck the D.A.R.E. program - show this to high school kids, and I promise you drug use in teens would be down 800%


Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
Okay, I'm about to address a bit of a touchy subject: not everyone loves Tim & Eric. I get it, okay? Not all of you find Tom Goes To The Mayor or Awesome Show, Great Job! funny. It doesn't mean I agree with you (I don't) but I can accept that you think it's stupid or lame or just not funny or boring or whatever. But listen a second, okay? Name two people - shit, name ONE person - as creative or different or new-feeling as Tim & Eric. It's hard, right? Exactly. Tim & Eric for me is like seeing a new colour or hearing an unfamiliar sound.


David Sedaris
David Sedaris has been around since 1992, but it wasn't till the early part of the '00s that he found mainstream success. I know that Sedaris' books aren't particularly poignant or brilliant, but they did renew my love for reading, and that in itself is a big deal.

Strangers with Candy
I know I'm cutting it very close with this one, since it was released in 1999, however, it wasn't released on DVD till the '00s, which is when I gained access to it (since Canada is a Turd Ferguson and won't air the same shows as its American counterparts). It's just a shame that the movie Strangers with Candy blew so, so hard.



2009: The Year that Everyone Died

Seriously? Here's the shortlist:
Captain Lou Albano (THE BEST! Motherfucking Super Mario used his last warp whistle and took the big green pipe to Heaven)
DJ AM (that was fucking weird, right?)
Bea Arthur (WHY, GOD, WHY?!?! Don't take Betty White next, or I'll kill you)
Billy Mays (Billy Mays here)
Brittany Murphy (no! not Tai in Clueless)
Ed McMahon (who will give out the giant cheques now?!?!)
Farrah (nooooooo!!!!!)
Henry Gibson (fuck you, I was super sad about this - he was the creepy Doctor from The Burbs)
THE SWAYZE (unfair)
...and I feel like I'm missing someone, but I can't remember :(

Good riddance to bad rubbish
To me, the later part of the '00s was a good time for people to step out of their shitty piles of doo doo and make a better career for themselves. Case in point:
Justin Timberlake: left N'SYNC (which is a criminal embarrassment in itself) and became even richer and even famous'er and actually made songs that didn't leave my ears pooling with blood.
Tina Fey: left the slowest sinking ship SNL, where she was nothing more than a crappy haircut and crappier purple suits (and background for prettier girls like Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler) and created 30 Rock, which is bad ass.
Ted Allen: left Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which in itself was a pit so deep and full of turds that it would require years and years to put that shame behind you, and yet? Ted Allen is now pretty much King of the Food Network (hosting Chopped, Food Detectives, judging Iron Chef America and Top Chef, and is a contributing writer for Esquire).
Lindsay Lohan: left profitable movies and the respect of Hollywood and 100% of her dignity to become the World's Most Famous Crackhead. Good for you, girl! A reputation ain't nothin' but a G thang.

Arrested Development
OBVIOUSLY! Thank go we have 30 Rock, otherwise I have no idea how I would fill the void left in my heart. Goddamn, that show was brilliant beyond brilliant; I'm almost glad it was canceled, so that I never had to witness its inevitable shark-jumping.


UPDATE: I totally forgot Chappelle's Show, MTV Canada with Paul the Intern, the 4th hour of the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb, and 9/11 being the literal incarnation of a drunk girl at a party who keeps reminding people that she's drunk (we get it, 9/11, you happened...get over it).

2 comments:

ilana said...

They should show this to high school kids, cause it's like a super-combo of your two favourites - Intervention and Arrested Development (well really just Michael Cera) http://pitchfork.com/tv/#/musicvideo/3944-islands-no-you-dont-anti-

Renee said...

I love your list. And the best joke of THIS decade is going to be your 9/11:drunk girl joke. I swear that if I forget to give you a virtual high five for that joke come 2020, you can virtually punch me in the neck.

And also, I'm hoping technology doesn't advance so much in ten years that virtual experiences like punches in the neck don't translate to actual pain. We shall see.