2.26.2010

The Skip-Raid Interviews Dylan Green

Hey everyone! Welcome to yet another amazing Skip-Raid interview! This week I had the pleasure of speaking with the drummer for Juno Award-winning City and Colour (aka Dallas Green). But more than that, he's a regular Skip-Raid reader (which means he has excellent taste in poo jokes). He was kind enough to answer a few questions about his job, being a big-time Canadian celebrity, and which member of Modest Mouse called him an asshole. Here we go!


Full name: This one is easy! Dylan Travis Green

Occupation: Music guy. But I have a normal 9-5 job too at an animation company.

Where you live: Toronto! Specifically, Little Italy!

Explain to those readers who might not know who you are why you are famous.
Because there's a good chance that I'm the only person who has ever been fired from the Edge 102's intern army. And I play the drums in City and Colour.

Allow me to stupidly assume you and your brother have Noel-and-Liam Gallagher-style throw downs all the time. How many times has he thrown a bottle at your head right after you screamed "You've changed, man!"
Sadly, Dallas and I are not brothers, but that doesn't mean we don't scream at each other...actually, we don't do that either. Sorry.

Obviously you have groupies and star-fuckers and shit, but the post-show people I love the most are the guys who think you could be BFFs if you would just let them buy you a few beers and they "totally know a ton about music and let's talk about it and do you need someone to play the melodica, because I'm really good and I'm totally not doing anything right now". Do you get many of those? Any good stories?
Hmmm...that's a tough one. I don't really have too many stories about that sort of thing. I've been in bands in the past where our shows were pretty poorly attended and we ended up hanging out with the kids who showed up afterwards, but they were always really nice, so no really zany stories. Of course, they could have just been pitying us too, like "aw man, they came all this way, we should at least make sure they have gas money to get to Saskatoon."

If you could make up a stage name for yourself, what would it be?
Drummers don't get cool stage names.

If you weren't a drummer, what do you think you'd be doing to earn money?
Well, I'd probably be doing exactly what I do now, only my bosses wouldn't be bummed out that I leave every couple of months. I don't really play enough shows with the band to make a living from it, so I keep a regular job too. We'll see how long that lasts though, if I was my boss, I would be looking for a replacement. I've heard good stuff about this whole welfare thing too, so maybe I'd give that a whirl.

What is your favourite Hollywood musician biopic?
Selena. They are all equally bad though. Yes, even Walk the Line.

On your blog, you kind-of take a crack at Cracker Barrel. FUCK. YOU. Cracker Barrel is fantastic. What do you usually get there? How much do you love that sawmill gravy?
Hahahaha! I thought you might take issue with that. my beef with Cracker Barrel, besides all the racist stuff (google it!) is that I'm vegetarian, so I have a very limited selection of stuff to eat there. basically, it's pancakes. I'm sure the sawmill gravy is good...or just brown and water.

Is it hard to be on the road for so long, or is it like being on vacation?
The longest I've ever been gone on tour was about 4 weeks straight. That was a doozy because it was through the states with an old band of mine and we weren't really earning any money, so the longer we were out, the less money we had in our pockets/bank accounts. But, if the tour is a good one, it totally feels like a vacation, even though you're there to essentially do a job. With City and Colour it's always fun because I've known the guys in the band for a really long time, and we all share the same sense of humour.

What do you miss most about Canada when you're not here?
Besides my girlfriend and my cat? The money! It's colour coded for easy reading.

What's the coolest place you've been for free/the lamest place you've been for free?
I've been lucky enough to get to play some music festivals with some of my favourite bands, so I guess, getting to see j mascis and cat power for free was pretty awesome. as far as lame goes...if it's free, you can't complain! that's the rule!

What's your favourite TV show on DVD right now?
It took me a while to warm up to it, but I'm really into the US version of The Office now. I resisted for so long...but season 2 and 3 of that show were so funny. Also, 30 Rock is great, Arrested Development is easily the funniest show since the invention of the TV, Curb Your Enthusiasm is amazing too. Oh, and Dexter. I don't really watch much TV drama, because I can't take it seriously, and I'd rather spend my time laughing than being worried....but I do spend a lot of my life worrying...I guess that's why my friends call me 'whiskers'.

You told me you got to sit beside Buzz Aldrin on a flight. First off, can I assume this was first class?
Haha! Yes it was in first class. We (me and my two friends) got bumped up to first class somehow when our flight got changed at the last minute and we ended up sitting next to Buzz and his wife.

David Sedaris talks about getting ice cream sundaes in first class. Is this true?
There was no ice cream in first class...at least not on this flight, but what took my by surprise is that instead of everyone having their own TV (like on most flights) they had two TVs hanging from the ceiling and everyone had to watch the SAME MOVIE. No choice!! So weird....the people in coach all have their own TVs and can watch whatever, but we could either watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (which was awesome) or stare out the window....so much for first class.

How many nightmares have you had about his wife? Seriously, the woman is a dead ringer for the Cryptkeeper.
His wife is super scary...she does look like the Cryptkeeper, but if he had about 90 facelifts and a Botox I.V. She's like the gypsy in that movie Thinner....or for a more timely reference, she's like the gypsy in that movie Drag Me To Hell. Nightmares forever.
(L to R) Second man on the moon, where nightmares are born.

Is there a song you hate playing?
No way! I'm just happy to be playing the songs!

Does it feel like Groundhog Day when you have to play the same songs every damn day?
Have you ever wondered exactly how many days Bill Murray lives out in Groundhog Day? I'd like to know. And how come his memory doesn't get reset every day? Ned Ryerson doesn't remember seeing him the day before! I have a lot of unanswered questions about that movie.

Can I ask you your true feelings on Journey's "Don't Stop Believing"? Because I am getting really fucking tired of that song. It's the Bacon of the music world right now for me.
It's a bummer. I wish the whole 80s nostalgia / cock rock thing would go away. I was just in Vancouver last week and I was downtown when the Canadian men's hockey team won the first game at the Olympics and there was a group of dudes behind me on the skytrain in spandex and mullet wigs who thought they were the funniest dudes in the world. it made me mad, and I wanted to have a hear-to-heart with them about their comedic sensibilities, but I don't think I would have gotten though to a bunch of drunken meatheads.
See also: the Thriller dance.

Have you ever met a celebrity/musician/etc who is just such a piece of shit? Who was it (this interview has just gone Mean Girls).
the only time I've ever met a musician who was kind of mean was the time I met Isaac Brock from Modest Mouse, but he was just super drunk and trying to be funny so I don't think it counts as being mean....he didn't know what he was doing. It wasn't even mean though...he called us (my old band and our group of friends) a "collection of assholes" which we thought was super funny.

What's the best Halloween costume you've ever had?
Man, I used to be so into Halloween, but now I'm just lazy. I'd say my favourite was when I dressed up as the police composite sketch of the Unabomber...not only was it an easy costume (aviator sunglasses, grey hoodie, shitty moustache) but it got a few laffs too, and isn't that what Halloween's about?

Name the best tattoo you've ever seen:
My friend hambone has a tattoo on his leg of ODB wearing an "ODB R.I.P" shirt, while bar-b-queuing and holding a giant ice cream cone...so that's the best I've ever seen.

What stereotype makes the least amount of sense to you?
pretty much all of the racist ones...like the black people/fried chicken one. I'm pretty sure EVERYBODY loves fried chicken. It's delicious.... what's race got to do with it??

What's your favourite part of America?
Chicago, New York, San Francisco, and any place that has a Jimmy John's sub shop.

Your ideal sandwich:
Hickory smoke flavour tofurky, havarti, avocado, spinach, tomato, mustard, mayo

2.25.2010

Is your coworker a serial killer?

Earlier this month, my best friend expressed some concern over a new hire at her office, stating that, while she could not be sure, she had an inkling that he may be a serial killer. Why? He looks like Ted Bundy, wears a windbreaker, and sings Top-40 Reggae to himself as a 'pick-me-up'. I know, right? Thems some tell-tale signs. But according to Dr. Phil, these are not the typical tell-tale-signs of a serial killer. Dr. Phil (who is obviously the pinnacle of reliable and trustworthy medicine) believes in the standard 14 Characteristics of a Serial Killer profile which break down a few very specific patterns and behaviours of said would-be serial killer. So I figured I would go through the list and help my best friend out by determining when he'll start asking what dress size she wears and if she can help him load a very heavy couch into his unmarked, windowless van. Remember - if he hasn't already gone on a mass-murdering spree, don't think he doesn't have it in him; all it takes is some Q Lazzarus and the following 14 characteristics:

1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male.
Check! Also fun to note: most of them are white. Crazy, right? What the hell is up with white people? God damn, I would be fucking terrified of us if I wasn't white.

2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range.
Guys with Downs syndrome, take a lap - you're in the clear on this one. You too, super geniuses; you're too busy planning the perfect murder against your High School bully to worry about multiple senseless killings anyways. So that leaves...every other man on the planet. According to this theory, anyone who isn't a complete dumbass or extremely intelligent could be a serial killer.

3. They do poorly in school, have trouble holding down jobs, and often work as unskilled laborers.
My best friend's potential serial killer is like 35 and works at a job that pays a little over minimum wage, which leads me to believe he:
a) was dealt a shitty hand in life and couldn't get his shit together
b) made a few mistakes that made it impossible for him to have the skill-set for a normal job
c) did poorly in school and has a hard time holding down jobs (oh shit, serial killer!)

4. They tend to come from markedly unstable families.
Where his Dad at? Ask him. Just go ahead and be like "so...is your dad in the picture? Just curious". I think that's socially acceptable, right?

5. As children, they are abandoned by their fathers and raised by domineering mothers.
Again, better check the Mom too.

6. Their families often have criminal, psychiatric and alcoholic histories.
Let's just assume this is a yes as well because, really, who's family doesn't have at least one of the following:
- alcoholic
- drug addict
- Uncle who smokes too much weed
- cousin who keeps getting DUIs
- shoplifter Aunt
- depressed Gam-gam
- emo Nephew

7. They hate their fathers and mothers.
Go up to him and ask what he's doing for Mothers Day. If he says 'masturbating' or worse - stabs something - then you got your answer.

8. They are commonly abused as children — psychologically, physically and sexually. Often the abuse is by a family member.
Ask him if he's seen Precious and if he can relate to Precious.

9. Many serial killers spend time in institutions as children and have records of early psychiatric problems.
Ask him if he's seen Shutter Island and if he can relate to the mental institution on Shutter Island.

10. They have high rates of suicide attempts.
You should joke with him about suicide and then see what his reaction is. Does he wistfully look off into the distance? Yup, he's thinking about hanging himself! Also, long scars on the inside forearms are dead giveaways, and remember:
Back and Forth - to the hospital
Up and Down - to the morgue
Note: talking about 'sleeping forever' and 'drowning in sorry' could just mean he's into metal/goth music, so you can't use that as any kind of a control in this study.

11. From an early age, many are intensely interested in voyeurism, fetishism, and sado-masochistic pornography.
Reggae is a type of porn, right? Just kidding! I know that reggae is a lazy, shitty excuse for music. But seriously, this one needs to be more specific. For instance:
- Vintage pictures of Bettie Page in BDSM gear? Oooh, scandalous! Titillating!
- Vintage pictures of naked corpses, bound and gagged? FUCKED UP.

12. More than 60 percent of serial killers wet their beds beyond the age of 12.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

13. Many serial killers are fascinated with fire starting.
Does he light a menorah even though he isn't Jewish? That just wasn't even funny. Also it could be a sign that he's just dabbling in Judaism (like Madonna).

14. They are involved with sadistic activity or tormenting small creatures.
Ask if he'll cat-sit your cat, then see if the cat mysteriously dies. Hey, do you want to find out if this guy is a serial killer or not? Exactly. You've had a good run with Captain Pants, but it's high time he took one for the team.

So there you have it folks! 14 warning signs that your friend/coworker/loved one is planning on killing you and making desk lamps with your bones. It's probably best to just cut ties with them immediately. Don't tell them why - they don't need another reason to scrawl manifesto notes in blood in their journals. Keep safe!

2.22.2010

What makes a haunted house?


This weekend I was asked to join a few friends and visit a Haunted House on Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls. Okay, so if you know anything about Clifton Hill, you know that it is just one huge strip north of the falls that is one huge, shitty tourist trap.

Okay, can I grab a sidebar for a second? I tried to find a picture of one of those shitty DIY haunted houses from the suburbs so I searched crappy haunted house, and Google was like "did you mean creepy haunted house?" Erm, no, I meant crappy haunted house. I dunno, I thought that was funny. Anyways, instead I have chosen my favourite haunted house, 1313 Mockingbird Lane (which you may know as the Munster family home). Seacrest out.

Back to my story. So I think there are 4 major haunted houses on Clifton Hill: The Fear Factory, Dracula's Castle, Frankenstein's...um, castle (?), and another one that has just as terrifying a name and plays the scary music from Halloween onto the street. I had already been to Frankenstein's House (I honestly cannot be bothered even to Google the name, it's that unnecessary to the story) and it sucked pretty hard. I scare very easily and even I walked through without so much as a scream. Maybe it was the overpowering smell of Burger King, maybe it was the chainsaw-wielding maniacs checking voicemail messages on their phone. Either way, it was a pretty big waste of money. I told my friends this and we went to Dracula's Castle (not to be confused with the haunted gay bar down the street, Dracula's Asshole). $10 and we got to pick how scary we wanted it, which just involves the woman at the front running back and telling the kids (sorry, "actors") to keep it tame or scare the shit out of us. After hemming and hawing, we decided to walk up the street a bit to the Fear Factory to see if we could get more scare for our dollar.

Entering the vestibule of Dracula's Castle was mildly frightening, but walking through the doors the Fear Factory was downright grocery store. It was brightly-lit, they were playing a Top-40 pop radio station, and you could purchase body jewelery and West Coast Choppers apparel. Add to that the juice-head behind the cash, and I felt like I was in the t-shirt shop from Jersey Shore. Fear Factory was a little bit pricier - $14 to get the pee scared out of us. They even had a list on the wall of how many people had "chickened out" (I believe the number was somewhere near 101,509, but I call shenanigans on their dubious accounting system. If that was the case, by their logic they have made $1.5 million. The rusted '97 Toyota Tercel in the parking lot with the Fear Factory bumper sticker says otherwise). Regardless, all 5 of us walked through the haunted house together to the sounds of rattling chains, rusty chainsaws, screeching ghosts. I won't lie - I screamed a lot but not because I was actually scared of the Fear Factory; it's because I hate when people jump out at me to surprise me. I grew up in a house where my sister and I were constantly hiding behind bathroom doors, in closets, under beds or piles of clothing in hopes to grab a leg or jump out and really terrify the other person.

After we left, I kept thinking to myself "wouldn't it be amazing if someone made a haunted house filled with things that were truly terrifying?" One of the scariest haunted houses I was ever in was at Screemers called The Haunted Asylum. It was modeled after an institution from the 50s, so there were plenty of lobotomized patients shuffling around, drooling on themselves and people crouching in corners laughing and picking at the wall. It was really disturbing and weird, especially because it was sort of real; institutions back in the day were pretty creepy and sad, so this haunted house was pitch-perfect. No one was jumping out at you or wearing phony looking masks, but you kept entering rooms thinking "oh my god, I just really don't want to be in here anymore..."

In the car ride on the way to Niagara Falls, we were talking about the worst things we have ever seen and I mentioned how just two weeks ago I was driving home and there had been a jumper from the bridge above the highway. Emergency crews hadn't yet gotten to the body, so cars were driving super-slow on the shoulder to avoid it. That meant that everyone got a good look at the recently-deceased body of a middle-aged man who killed himself. Two weeks later, and I still can't close my eyes without seeing his bloated face looking at mine. It got me to thinking - if someone wanted to make a truly scary haunted house, why don't they just fill it with really horrific, depressing imagery from real life? It makes sense - when I was a kid, I was more scared by movies like Silence of the Lambs than Friday the 13th. Anything you could actually see in real life is much scarier than a guy in a latex mask jumping out at you and your friends. Here are some things I would put in my haunted house (if I ever made enough foolish decisions that got me to that point in my life, of course):

- An actor in old-man-makeup hunched over a cane and several heavy bags of groceries trying to cross a busy intersection, then repeatedly dropping the groceries while an unkind motorist honks his horn and screams at him to hurry up.

- A mother and her children watching as a house cat gives birth to kittens on their kitchen floor. The kitten that the youngest child picks up is stillborn, and begs her mother to bring it back to life.

- A congregation attempt to exorcise the demon of homosexuality out of a young man.

- A cancer patient quietly weeps in a hospital bed.

- Restaurant patrons watch as a man chokes on his dinner; no one knows how to perform the Heimlich maneuver.

- A couple is sitting with their children explaining to them that they are getting a divorce.

- A prostitute, threatened by an abusive pimp, nervously turns her first trick.

- A television playing the television broadcast of the Challenger explosion on a loop.

- A completely black room with nothing but a tape recording of the conversation between a kidnapper and the hostage's family.

- A crying baby

- A 3-legged dog

- A man trying to pull his friend's body from an overturned vehicle that's been engulfed in flames (this one will require a pretty flexible budget).

- The lower-half of the body of a person who has hung themselves (I got this idea from Girl, Interrupted when Brittany Murphy's character hangs herself to Skeeter Davis' End of the World. Actually, that scene is pretty bleak - just having that projected onto a screen would be disturbing).

- The voice of a child reciting The Lord's Prayer.

- Images of the Sharon Tate/Manson Family murders.

- The Oprah interview with the lady who was mauled by her friend's pet monkey.

- Clips from A&Es Intervention or Hoarders (actually, that would be sort of funny).

Welp, now that I'm sufficiently depressed and bummed-out, I think I'm going to read some Dlisted and LOLcats. Note to self: never EVER make a sad images-from-reality haunted house.

2.18.2010

Happy Birthday, Skip-Raid!!!

Hey y'all! I hate to interrupt the non-stop fuckfest that is the Olympics (aka JOHNNY WEIR WATCH 2010) but I was sitting at my desk and I realized "hey, wait a minute...is this my 3 year anniversary with the readers of The Skip-raid?" AW JEAH, YES IT IS!!! That's pretty crazy, right? I started back in February of 2007, and to date there are 648 very funny, usually offensive, sometimes charming and sweet articles for you to peruse. Also something to note: this is officially my longest committed relationship. I know, right? We should do something romantic this weekend. Why don't you make me dinner and I'll try very hard not to bossily scream at you "I'D LIKE TO WATCH MTV'S TEEN MOM WITHOUT YOUR SMART MOUTH". This is usually when you give me some very aggressive cut-eye and I flip the coffee table over and run crying to the bathroom, whip out the Lysol and "clean the bathroom" for 20-minutes till I pass out. Love! Ain't it grand?

So I thought I'd go back into my drafts folder and check out the ideas that didn't make it to the publish button.

"Board Games; aka The Wasted Friday Nights of Your Youth"
This was an idea from about 2.5 years ago, so pretty early on, when I thought I had a germ of an idea for an amazing post. Yeah, board games. Like Life and Monopoly. For real. What did I think was funny about board games? I guess I was going to go through and discuss the best (13 Dead End Drive, Jenga) and the worst (Life) but then I realized I'm a huge board-game nerd and I love all board games. Hell, this Christmas I bought myself a brand-new box of Monopoly to play with friends when they come over. So it would be pretty boring to read this over and over again:

Mousetrap is so effing awesome. Look at all the shit that happens! Whoah!

How sick is Connect Four? I could seriously play that for 48-hours straight.

Has Guess Who? been inducted into the Smithsonian yet?
It's so fun, amiright?

Dream: Beetlejuice and Seth Green
Okay, so this post was pretty recent, but there wasn't much to it. The title was simply Fucked Up Dreams and I had uploaded two pictures: one of Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice and Seth Green. That's it. No other description. How the hell was I supposed to connect the dots between Beetlejuice and Seth Green? The only thing I remember about that dream was that I had sex with Seth Green. YES, I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!?! What the hell did I eat before I went to bed that would have me having sex with Seth Green? Maybe it was right after I watched Party Monster for the umpteenth time, or maybe I had just finished watching 60 minutes of Robot Chicken? Ugh, who knows. Regardless, it made it to the dream graveyard pretty damn fast.

Molestimus Prime (a Molesticon)
This was right after Halloween when I usually go over the best costumes from CollegeHumor.com, and I'm thinking that I found a picture of someone dressed as Optimus Prime but also as a sexual predator? I...don't know about that one.

Crappy Canadian Commercials

I tried to put together a list, and I came up with one. Just one! I know, Canada is a hotbed of shitty television, and this was all I found:

Now, if you're one of my American readers, I need to explain this to you. This PSA was shown AT LEAST 3 times a day on every Canadian channel. It is piss-poor film making at its best, and everything looks like it was stolen from other children's television show sets (or found in the garbage). Nothing about it makes sense:
- We first see Sis chomping down on a house plant. What? I've babysat some pretty dumb kids, but never has one attempted to eat a house plant. Later on she can be seen biting at Brother's ukelele. Sis is failing at life. I'm going to assume her mother's bloodstream was lousy with crystal meth during her second pregnancy.
- Why is Brother's nose so hugely out of proportion?
- Why does the brother wear a captain's hat? Who is he, the Skipper form Gilligan's Island?
- Towards the end, you can clearly see the arm sticking out from under Sis' skirt. LAZY.
- Yo, where do these random animals come from? Are they family friends or relatives? Let's take the high road and just assume they're Brother and Sis' dealers come to collect.
- "Like a muffin or a beet". Like a muffin or a beet? What child runs up to their parents holding a raw beet screaming "PLEASE CAN I EAT THIS?!?!?!!"

Anyways, that's it for now. I guess I just wanted to say Thanks for reading and being as loyal as you all are. I'm pretty grateful for your readership and knowing that there is even one person out there who thinks I'm the cats-ass is pretty amazing. Year 4 is bound to have plenty of awesomeness as well: America's Next Top Model Cycle 14, a really cool interview with a really cool musician, and (drumroll please) in 2 months I'm going to Florida again! That means many, many more "Canada is like this, while America is like this"-style observations and trips to the Cracker Barrel. I know, I'm too good to you people.

Alright, enough tears! See you all real soon!
xoxo
The Mayor

2.16.2010

The 2010 Olympics so far: a poorly-researched blog post

Hey guys! So it's Day 4 of the 2010 Winter Olympics, and so far I have watched...yeah, all of 30 minutes. I know I know, I'm a terrible Canadian, but it's not my fault - I had a lot of Sarah Silverman Program to catch up on this weekend. But I did watch some speed skating (aka Hilarious Speed Failing) and let people's Facebook statuses fill in the blanks for me. Anyways, here is what I know about the 2010 Winter Olympics so far:

1. Moments before the opening ceremonies, Nodar Kumaritashvili (luge) was killed when he was thrown from his sled into a steel pole. Wow. This could be the most depressing start to an Olympic games since the 1996 Summer Games mascot was revealed. Anyways, my thoughts go out to his family who are no doubt heartbroken, but can realize that he died trying to achieve his lifelong dream. RIP NoKum.

2. The Olympics STILL won't allow women to participate in the ski jump because we are far too delicate and genteel to shoot off a jump on skis. Fuck, I don't want to get all "I'm a feminist and I don't go to the dentist because I don't believe in the patriarchy policing my exterior appearance so that I can confine to their rigid view of beauty" but seriously? You won't allow women in ski jump?!? It's two-thousand-fucking-ten and there is ONE SPORT LEFT that is male-only. Fuck, women are allowed in biathlon and that is skis + A FUCKING RIFLE. Like, did you just hear what I said?! You know who shouldn't be given a firearm during aggressive competition, where all it takes is one person to mutter "bitch ain't shit" under their breath? Um, WOMEN. And yet we're still not allowed to jump off a hill on skis. On a snowboard, sure - go nuts. But skis? That's just crazy.

3. If mens figure skating was a prison yard, y'all would be Johnny Weir's bitch.

He designs all his own costumes, most of which look like cast-offs from RuPaul's Drag Race. His exhibition skate is to Lady Gaga's Pokerface. When PETA told him they were going to make his life a living hell if he wore fur at the Olympics, he gave them a sassy bitch, pls. Last night he skated in the short program, came 6th, and did a little "I don't care" wave-and-a-smile. LOVE. HIM.

4. Um, we rule snowboard cross.

5. Apolo Ohno won a gold medal in 2002, then another in 2006, THEN won Dancing with the Stars in 2007, and just won a silver medal in Vancouver. So, basically he rules pretty hard.

6. The Canadian women's hockey team beat Slovakia 18-0. BWAHAHAHHAAHAH. 18-0?!?! That's cold, Canada.

7. Shaun White kind of looks like a mix between Carrot Top and Justin Timberlake doing Robin Gibb.

2.10.2010

The Mascots of the Olympics!

Okay, so unless you've been living under a rock like a pertader-bug, you know that in a little over 24-hours the opening ceremony for the 2010 Winter Olympiad will be happening. And guess who is just as excited as heck to watch it?!?! That's right! I may be super-cynical and dislike all things mainstream and pedestrian (not to mention my steadfast hatred of all televised sports) but I get so thoroughly jazzed for the Olympics. I think it's the aggressive competition since I'm from a country full of Olympic underdogs; Canada's not like the US, where you KNOW you're going to win 99% of the events (both Summer and Winter, you douchebags) but we're not some rinky-dink tiny-town country like The People's Republic of Matti-Matti where you have one delegate and they have a better chance of finding a finger in their Coke than even so much as looking at the winner's podium. Also this Olympiad is in my country, bitches! We are going to deliver so much rashy red pwnage that your balls will burn for weeks (well...at Hockey. The other sports will probably domashize us pretty hard. But Hockey...we've definitely got that one in the bag).

Anyways, I thought it would be fun to go back and take a look at my favourite part of the Olympics: the mascots! Santo Dios, the mascots! Is there nothing shittier or more thrown-together-last-minute looking than the Olympic mascot? The best part is they have at least 4 years to create something cute and they usually end up failing so hard their designs ruin their careers. So let's take a look back at the Hits and Misses of the Olympic Mascots!

HIGHER, FASTER, STRONGER! (the best of the best)

NAME: Waldi
SPECIES: Dog (specifically Wiener)
COUNTRY: Munich, Germany
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 1972
First up we have Waldi, the adorable wienerdog from Germany. I like when a country goes "We're known for Lederhosen and wienerdogs...fuck it, just make the mascot a wienerdog wearing lederhosen". It's a good thing they did cute too, because what's the first thing you think of when someone says Germany? Hitler, exactly. And what's the exact opposite of Hitler? PUPPIES!!1!

NAME: Amik
SPECIES: Beaver
COUNTRY: Montreal, Canada
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 1976
Speaking of adorable, meet Amik the beaver! Amik can double as a mascot for the Pride Parade, so not only is he an example of good design, he's also a beacon of thrift and getting your money's worth. Also, doesn't Amik look like he was created by Milton Glaser? I like that.

NAME: Misha
SPECIES: Bear
COUNTRY: Moscow, Russia
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 1980
SQUEEEEE!!!! Look at him! Have you ever seen a bear with such bold "cuddle me" body language? Look at that face - how could you boycott such an adorable bundle of fur? Exactly. SHAME ON YOU, AMERICA.

NAME: Hodori
SPECIES: Tiger
COUNTRY: Seoul, Korea
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 1988
I think I'm getting the theme of successful Olympic mascots: go cute or go home. When in doubt, take an animal, give it big eyes/soft fur, make it small/fat/round, and give it a cute 2-syllable name. Don't deviate from this winning formula.
* I know that Hodori is 3-syllables, but his name contains part of the word adorable, so it works.

NAME: Beibei, Jingjing, Huanhuan, Yingying, Nini (aka The Fuwa)
SPECIES: Fish, Giant Panda, Olympic Flame, Tibetan Antelope, Swallow (respectfully)
COUNTRY: Beijing, China
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 2008
Oh lord, SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?! The Fuwa were like the LOLcats of the mascot world: short, cat-like, adorable hats, Asian. I wouldn't have accepted anything less from the continent that brought us Hello Kitty and Shiba-Inus.

NAME: Sumi, Quatchi, Miga
SPECIES: Some kind or Urban Legend, Sasquatch, Mythical Sea-bear
COUNTRY: Vancouver, Canada
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 2010
Thank god my country got our mascots right for this year's Winter Olympiad. We could have easily (and lazily) just called up the creator of Chilly Beach and asked them (whom I'm assuming is Satan) to create a forgettable, ugly mascot. Instead, we called up Meomi and got three (4 if you count Mukmuk the Downs Syndrome Marmot) adorable happy fake animals. That's right! Canada is known for the beaver and house cats, so we needed to make up some animals. And by "make up some animals", I of course mean "throw some scarves on a couple of cast-off Northern-looking Hello Kitty characters".

SLOWER, DUMBER, LAMER (mascots so lame not even blind children wanted one)

NAME: Schuss
SPECIES: Um.....person?
COUNTRY: Grenoble, France
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1968
Womp womp, what is this? It looks like a sperm on skis. Although we are talking about France, so...

NAME: Roni
SPECIES: Raccoon
COUNTRY: Lake Placid, USA
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1980
True story! Roni was actually a real raccoon that died moments before the games were to begin, so they whipped up this stupid looking human-with-the-head-of-a-raccoon creature to replace him. Know what would have been a better replacement? FINDING ANOTHER RACCOON. It's not like they're rare - fuck, I know of 3 completely different raccoons that dig through my garbage every night. Take one of mine!

NAME: Vučko
SPECIES: Wolf
COUNTRY: Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1984
Whoah, slow down there buddy - you look like you're about to roofie my drink. Vučko is exactly like how I stereotype guys from Bosnia/Herzegovina: pushy Eastern-European Eurotrash who are about 13 years behind on fashion, 20 year behind on popular music, and so new to a life outside crippling poverty they hoard all their toilet paper and soap.
Note: NONE of what I just said made any sense.


AME: Sam
SPECIES: Eagle
COUNTRY: Los Angeles, USA
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 1984
Ugh. Fuck. This is why you don't let the animators at Disney design your mascot. You catch them at the worst time (right after the 1960s Disney Golden Age, but right before the 1990s Disney Renaissance - aka Oliver and Company time) so all they can do is pull together scraps of Disney characters to form a shitty bald eagle. Plus, he's modeled after Uncle Sam who, in essence, is an American mascot. That's right - you made a mascot based on another mascot. And you named him THE EXACT SAME NAME. Someone got paid handsomely for this, btw. Remember that when you're eating Ramen Noodles for the 600th time this year.

NAME: Hidy and Howdy
SPECIES: Polar bears
COUNTRY: Calgary, Canada
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1988
It wouldn't be fair of me to make fun of Olympic mascots and give 2 glowing reviews to Canadian ones, so here is where I take an unbiased approach to explaining why Hidy and Howdy are two pieces of FAIL. First off, they made two mascots that couldn't been seen without each other, ever. I liked it better when it was called Donnie and Marie Osmond. Second, what the hell is with the primary colour scheme? Was our budget that low? Thirdly, Hidy and Howdy are basically redneck hillbillies: they live in Calgary (farmland), their cowboy hats are permanently affixed to their heads, they're brother and sister but have this creepy, incestuous relationship. Welcome to Canada!

NAME: Cobi
SPECIES: Dog (specifically, Catalan Sheep)
COUNTRY: Barcelona, Spain
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 1992
What. The. Fuck. Is. This? This is supposed to be a dog. A dog?!?! Are you getting dog from this? I can see sick cat on its last trip to the vet, or even local pervert who can't keep his clothes on and therefore isn't allowed in any neighborhood with an Elementary School, but dog? Someone dropped the ball here.

NAME: Olly, Syd, Millie
SPECIES: Kookaburra, Platypus, Echinda (respectfully)
COUNTRY: Sydney, Australia
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 2000
Oh my god, BOOOOOOORINGGGGGGGGG. They had the perfect animals at their fingertips - the Kangaroo - and tossed it aside for 3 extremely boring and uninteresting animals (not to mention one that the third one has a face that looks like a dick and balls). Seriously, why didn't they pick a mascot that was a kangaroo? Or at least a kangaroo drinking a can of Fosters (that would have been amazing).

NAME: Copper, Powder, Coal
SPECIES: Coyote, Snowshoe Hare, Bear (respectfully)
COUNTRY: Salt Lake City, USA
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 2002
Oh Christ, America, were there that many unused characters from Brother Bear? I feel like someone just searched the dumpster behind the Disney studios for these guys. Albeit they're tolerable, they're not creative in any way and their names bother me. Copper? That's a name for a Golden Retriever. Powder? There's only one Powder in my life, and it isn't this rabbit. Coal? Wat? Why didn't they just go with Brown Thing, Hoppy and Grizzle. Just as lame, just as forgettable.

NAME: Neve and Gliz
SPECIES: Anthropomorphized snowball and ice cube
COUNTRY: Turin, Italy
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 2006
This was seriously the best Italy could do. Know who would have been two way better mascots? That's right - the pillars of Italian heritage and hard-work themselves: MARIO AND LUIGI. They'd be perfect. They're both Italian, their coveralls reflect the colors of the Italian flag, their bushy moustaches are comical. Plus, with instant recognition, people would actually have given a shit about the Turin Olympics (wasn't it like the least-watched Winter games or something? Maybe I just didn't care). Regardless, don't Neve and Gliz look like total simpletons?

WHAT THE FUCK?!? (no seriously, was this mascot the result of a government-sponsored coloring contest?)

NAME: Schneemann
SPECIES: Snowman
COUNTRY: Innsbruck, Austria
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1976
Schneemann looks like a crappy Dollar Store Christmas decoration. Why not just make your mascot Santa, for Chrissakes.

NAME: Magique
SPECIES: Your guess is as good as mine
COUNTRY: Albertville, France
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1992
Speaking of crappy $1 Christmas decorations, meet Magique - the lamest human/non-human hybrid on the list. He narrowly beat out Roni as being the worst, but only because where Roni is questionable at best, Magique is just downright ridiculous. So...he's a star? But with a man's face? But...was he born that way, or was it the result of a freak accident? So many questions I don't need answered in order to sleep at night.

NAME: Håkon and Kristin
SPECIES: Humans
COUNTRY: Lillehammer, Norway
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1994
Sike! Are you looking at this?!?! A mascot is supposed to be colorful and playful and easily re-created into stuffed animals, not be the living embodiment of children. Who was the designer, Michael Jackson? Ooooooh, I know - cheap shot, even after the man's death.

NAME: Sukki, Nokki, Lekki, Tsukki (aka The Snowlets)
SPECIES: Owls
COUNTRY: Nagano, Japan
YEARS ACTIVE: Winter 1998
Never have I seen a drawing with such an obvious influence from hard-core narcotics. Is Nagano a big opium town? This looks like the kind of drawings I make after I'm finished cleaning my poorly-ventilated bathroom with Comet.

NAME: Athena and Phevos
SPECIES: Humans (?)
COUNTRY: Athens, Greece
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 2004
ATTACK OF THE WIENER PEOPLE! All jokes aside, I feel dirty looking at Athena and Phevos. Also, why wasn't their mascot a character from Greek Mythology? How cool would a cartoon centaur have been? Couldn't they have put it to a vote?

AND LAST PLACE GOES TO...

NAME: Izzy aka The Atlanta Whatzit
SPECIES: Visual tragedy
COUNTRY: Atlanta, USA
YEARS ACTIVE: Summer 1996
Never has an Olympic mascot held so much widespread contempt than the Atlanta Whatzit, an image of pure hatred. You know, the funny thing is when I first saw Izzy back in 1996 (I won't admit my age, but let's just say I was really into getting my period for the first time) I thought to myself "Wow. That is just so terrible." Hello! A dumb teenage idiot could realize that Izzy was a bad decision! Who the hell green-lit this monstrosity?! Oh well, we can only hope that London or Rio de Janiero will make something even worse and finally let Izzy retire to the Olympic Graveyard.

2.09.2010

The Sandlot!

Hey guys! Okay, I know this is SUPER lazy of me, but today's post comes courtesy of Cracked (one of my personal favourites). It's an article on The Sandlot, which is arguably one of the best movies ever (or would that be for-ev-er?) Anyways, here it is - the first part compares the similarities between The Sandlot and Reservoir Dogs and the second part includes a great break-down of the movie (including a link to a where-are-they-now. Wow, I'm linking to a link within a link? WIN!)

2.05.2010

Things I like this week

I mean, I've always loved Sonic Youth's cover of The Carpenters' Superstar, but I was thinking recently about how awesome it would be to have this as a first-dance song at a wedding. Like, depressing, but awesome.



These Are Things World Map
I really want one of these, but $60? The hell? I don't have that kind of scratch.



J Hill Design A Toast To... Series
I really think these are just adroable. I really love the Texas and Mexico ones. They also have an Animal Alphabet that would look really cool in a kitchen.



Jonathan Adler Zodiac Pillows
Oh my god, aren't these great? In case you were wondering why I picked these ones in particular, it's my best friend, mine, and my sister's zodiac signs.



Jonathan Adler Whale Butter Dish
WANT. Someone buy this for me, please!!!



The cover of this week's People magazine


Oh my god, where do I start? It's like a Where's Waldo of shitty D-list celebrity news! First things first, we have the Duggars (who's first names I care not to Google) posing with a very tiny baby bird. I'm sorry, I've just been told it's their child. Their 19th child, which would mean those two have thrown the hot dog down the hallway at the very least 19 times. Ick. Nast. I just can't this morning. I was going to make a joke about him not wearing condoms because he "can't feel anything" - but come on, how does he even feel anything WITHOUT a condom? Her vagina is probably permanently dilated to 10 centimeters. He probably has to get her pregnant the same way they do it to horses (don't Google that).
Okay, now down the right side we have People wondering how Michael Jackson's kids Prince, Paris, and Snuggie are dealing with his death. Um, probably the same way most kids their age are? Exactly - dabbling in goth and listening to The Cure and repeatedly slamming their bedroom doors while screaming "Fuck you, Grandma! You have no idea what my life is like!" In the middle we have a picture of permanent D-list resident Nancy "Thank god someone whacked my knee back in so I can maintain some sort of relevancy as the years go on" Kerrigan, who's in the news because her Dad was beat to death by her brother. Whoah, it appears for the first time ever, Nancy Kerrigan's family is more white-trash than Tonya Hardings. And finally, we have a picture of Heidi Montag looking like a JC Penney mannequin. Oh People...you're like the Fox News of magazines.

Lindsay Lohan on Inside Edition talking about her being a hoarder.
Oh my god, have you seen anyone slide so far!?!? It's only a matter of time before she's endorsing Snuggies and Slap-chops (I CAN'T WAIT!!!!)

2.02.2010

The Oscars!!!

I don't care how pompous and narcissistic the Academy Awards are, I still love watching them, following them, betting a good percentage of my paycheck on them, and doing a shot of Jager every time I hear "and the Academy Award goes to....". So today I was super-dupes excited to hear the nominations were announced, and I wanted to go over some of them with you. Here are the nominations, along with my thoughts on who will win, who should win, and who was straight-up robbed (Mariah, I'm looking in your direction, girl).
Let's do this!

ANIMATED FEATURE
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
The Secret of Kells
UP

Who Should Get It: Coraline. Yeah, that's it - no explanation. Coraline is a near-perfect film.

Who Will Get It: UP, and with good reason. How is it that an animated child's movie was the only movie to really move me to tears THREE TIMES? Pete Docter is just an incredible storyteller and the relationship between Carl and Russell at the end is just too beautiful.

Who Was ROBBED: No one! There aren't that many animated films to rob of an award. Really, we could have done with one less (I'm looking at you, Princess and the Frog...)

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Damon in, Invictus
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Who Should Get It: Christoph Waltz

Who Will Get It: Did you not hear me the first time around?!?! CHRISTOPH MOTHERFUCKING WALTZ. Ho-lee-shit, how tough as nails was he in Inglourious Basterds?? I practically pissed my pants every time I saw him on screen. Then, with that last scene with Brad and Ryan Howard from The Office...shit, right?!?!?

Who Was ROBBED: Technically no one, since Christoph Waltz is the man, but just for posterity, let's say I'm choked up that Eli Roth didn't get nominated for being a hot piece in IB. Also, he wouldn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of being nominated for it, but I loved Ben Affleck as Dean in Extract.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Penélope Cruz, Nine
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
Mo’Nique, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

Who Should Get It: Um, not Twilight's Anna Kendrick, that's for damn sure.

Who Will Get It: It better be my personal hero and AMAZING acceptance speech-giver, Mo'Nique. Plus, Academy Awards history will be made if she wins; she will be the first one-name African-American to win (Cher was the first, but is she even really considered white? She's like 1/4 white, 1/4 native, 1/4 Gypsy, 1/4 wigs)

Who Was ROBBED: MARIAH!!!!!!!! Precious would be NOTHING without her incredible performance as a mustachioed social worker. Praise Jesus she will still be there on Oscar night - I can't go a week without knowing what Mariah's crazy ass is up to. Fun Fact: Mariah already has an Oscar. Fucked up, right?!?!

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up in the Air
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Who Should Get It: Jeremy Renner. People who know me know I am very critical of the armed forces; not like back in WW2 - those men and women are my heroes, but at present. After seeing The Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner made me feel really sorry for those overseas. Actually, not sorry (that's not the right word): he made me feel like a dick for even thinking bad shit about those in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Who Will Get It: I haven't heard a bad thing about Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. Plus, he's the fucking Dude, and you can't argue with that logic.

Who Was ROBBED: Ryan Reynolds, The Proposal. Never have I seen such range and variety of emotion played out through Van Wilder himself. He continually makes me proud to be a fellow Canadian. All jokes aside, it should have been Alec Baldwin in It's Complicated, where he played a very sexy walrus.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

Who Should Get It: Obviously Gabby Sidibe. Not only did she fucking nail it in her first movie EVER, but she is an absolute joy to listen to in interviews. Love love love her!

Who Will Get It: Sandra "I was in Speed 2: Cruise Control" Bullock. Everyone seems to be jizzing in their pants over her "I'm just a down-home country bumpkin from Texas" role in The Blind Side, but guess what? I liked it better when it was called Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovitch. Fuck, it kills me to hate on Sandy B, because she is adorable with a capitol A and she was in Miss Congeniality (WHICH I LOVE).

Who Was ROBBED: Lindsay Lohan, Labor Pains. People! The best actress of our time, LiLo, is trying so effing hard to get clean and sober (try not to spit out all your coffee with that one) and we just keep ignoring her best work, forcing her to take shittier and shittier roles. When will we wake up and realize that Labor Pains is the Sophie's Choice of our time?!?!

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Um, who cares?

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
- see above

DIRECTOR
James Cameron (Avatar)
Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker)
Quentin Tarantino (Inglourious Basterds)
Lee Daniels (Precious)
Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

Who Should Get It: NOT JAMES CAMERON. He's had his chance, and he proved he's a fucking dickweed.

Who Will Get It: Probably Donnie Dickweed himself, James Cameron.

Who Was ROBBED: Everyone on that list who was nominated with James Cameron. What were they robbed of? Dignity. Also Todd Phillips, who's movie The Hangover made more people go to the movies than Up in the Air. TRUTH!

BEST PICTURE (hold on kids, this is a long-ass list. Better get a beer and settle in)
Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
A Serious Man
Up
Up in the Air

Instead of doing the whole who should get it/who will get it/who was robbed, I'm going to comment on every picture. Why? Because I actually saw most of them (unlike last year, where I didn't see a god-damned one).

Avatar - I haven't seen this yet, and I plan on seeing it in IMAX 3D when I can finally get tickets, but that shit is sold-out like it's Michael Jackson's funeral. Goddamn it people, take a weekend off and let me spend $20 on this garbage already! But if I had to judge a book by its cover, I'd say Avatar is a PG-13 Fern Gully. FUCK THAT NOISE.

The Blind Side - Again, haven't seen this, but I honestly do want to. I love feel-good American Dream stories, and I love Tim McGraw (what?) and I love Texas-looking wigs and press-on nails, so there is no reason why I shouldn't see this movie. But best picture? Come the fuck on. Didn't we learn anything from Crash?

District 9 - Holla, D9 was a sick movie. The ending was a little womp-womp, but the story was fantastic; probably the most realistic movie about aliens in years. Would they actually land on Earth and blow up the White House and kill everyone but the odd single mom and dead-beat-dad in need of redemption? Hells no, they'd be thrown into ghettoes and forced to live off our garbage and worn-out Nikes. Hellooo....metaphor for apartheid! Take that, Morgan Freeman in Invictus.

An Education - Snore. NEXT!

The Hurt Locker - Wow, you want to be thoroughly depressed for 2 hours? Check out The Hurt Locker. The ending is so "that fucking sucks, but...really...who else is going to do that shit?" that you walk away feeling like an asshole for ever listening to Anti-Flag's A New Kind of Army.

Inglourious Basterds
- Okay, so my Dad and I went to see IB together and at the end of the movie we were both looking at each other with our mouths agape like "what....the.....FAAAAACK?!?!?!?! WHY WAS THAT SO AMAZING?!?!?!?" If this was a just and sane world, Quentin Tarantino would walk away with the Best Picture Oscar he deserves. Everyone in IB gives such an amazing performance you'd think that God came to Tarantino in a dream and was like "listen, I'm going to give you an idea for the funnest movie ever made. Write this down...and do everything you can to convince the following people to be in your movie". Also, what - 6, 7 months later, and I'm still saying:
"Each and every man under mah command owes me one hundrid Natzi skyalps. And ah want mah skyalps!"

Precious - HELLS TO THE YES, BOBBY B!!! Precious was easily the best movie I saw all year, and for like a million reasons, but here are a few:
- MARIAH!!!!!!!
- Giant marshmallow of happiness and rainbows, Gabby Sidibe
- "I'm Joann, my favorite color is fluorescent beige. I'm already in the music business, shoot, I'm just here to get my GED!"
- Sherri Shepherd being credited as "Cornrows" (Also, Sherri Shepherd being THE BEST!)
- MO-FUCKING-NIQUE!!!! Holy shit, that was a bad-ass role for her. Shit, I don't know who scares me more: Col. Hans Landa ("The Jew Hunter") or Mary Jones.

A Serious Man - Look, I have been a Coen brothers fan for years and years and years, so let's pretend for a second that I'm not speaking with a complete bias, okay? But A Serious Man was just a terrific movie. Was it as good as No Country for Old Men? No. Fuck, nothing is, quite frankly. But is it the kind of movie that will find its legs on DVD like, say, Barton Fink or The Big Lebowski? Yes, totally. It won't win (doesn't stand a chance, not enough people will get it) but I strongly advise you to check it out when its released on DVD.

Up - You know what? It's about damn time. Pixar has been so consistent with the quality of its films, and we need to recognize. Shit, even their shittiest movie Cars isn't that terrible. Up is just so beautiful and sweet, and has Ed Asner ever been better? So nice, I saw it twice (even though it made me weep like I have never wept before). I actually took my Great Aunt to see it, who about 1 year earlier had lost her husband. I was unsure about how she might feel about the beginning of the film, but then I realized - how hopeful and inspiring the story was! I think every senior should see Up to remind them that just because they have lost someone so significant to them and that they feel they aren't much use anymore, there is always someone out there who needs them more than they know.

Up in the Air - I'll admit, I was really skeptical about this one before I saw it. The trailers alluded to it being the feel-good hilarious rom-com of 2010. I'm not a fan of rom-coms, but it was getting really good reviews and it had Rose from Two and a Half Men and Danny McBride, so I figured "why not spend 2 hours with an escapist piece of fluff?" Um, WRONG. There is nothing rom-com adorable about this. It is a sad, heartbreaking film. Don't see this if you expect adorable Juno-talk or JK Simmons being JK Simmons. Go if you want to feel like crap (but remember - if you want to feel like shit, see The Hurt Locker, and if you want to feel like God took a dump on you, see Precious).

So who will get it? Well, the race is really down to three films: Fern Gully 2, Up in the Air, and The Hurt Locker. Up in the Air is timely (recession, people losing their jobs, etc) and The Hurt Locker is a good social piece (war sucks and nobody wins, but someone has to clean up) and Avatar is like an epic piece of new technology (holy crap, it's like being on a ride at Disneyland!!!). There are a few dark horses in this race, namely Precious (um, could her life suck more? NOPE) and Inglourious Basterds (really fun, fantastic storytelling). So who knows? Aw, fuck it - Avatar is going to win. Let's just hope it's better than Slumdog Chamillionaire, am I right?

2.01.2010

Ah, diaries.

I'm sure that sometimes you think to yourself "The Mayor is such a critical bitch, I wonder what makes her laugh?" Well people, this does:

"Today is the first day of school swimming lessons. Unfortunately the swimming teacher is a overweight asshole."

This is from my boyfriend's diary when he was 9-years-old. His mother gave him a diary one year and encouraged him to write in it. This was the only entry. I'm not sure why this makes me laugh every time. Maybe it's the idea of a 9-year-old boy privately slamming his swimming teacher in neatly-written cursive. I love it.