2.18.2010

Happy Birthday, Skip-Raid!!!

Hey y'all! I hate to interrupt the non-stop fuckfest that is the Olympics (aka JOHNNY WEIR WATCH 2010) but I was sitting at my desk and I realized "hey, wait a minute...is this my 3 year anniversary with the readers of The Skip-raid?" AW JEAH, YES IT IS!!! That's pretty crazy, right? I started back in February of 2007, and to date there are 648 very funny, usually offensive, sometimes charming and sweet articles for you to peruse. Also something to note: this is officially my longest committed relationship. I know, right? We should do something romantic this weekend. Why don't you make me dinner and I'll try very hard not to bossily scream at you "I'D LIKE TO WATCH MTV'S TEEN MOM WITHOUT YOUR SMART MOUTH". This is usually when you give me some very aggressive cut-eye and I flip the coffee table over and run crying to the bathroom, whip out the Lysol and "clean the bathroom" for 20-minutes till I pass out. Love! Ain't it grand?

So I thought I'd go back into my drafts folder and check out the ideas that didn't make it to the publish button.

"Board Games; aka The Wasted Friday Nights of Your Youth"
This was an idea from about 2.5 years ago, so pretty early on, when I thought I had a germ of an idea for an amazing post. Yeah, board games. Like Life and Monopoly. For real. What did I think was funny about board games? I guess I was going to go through and discuss the best (13 Dead End Drive, Jenga) and the worst (Life) but then I realized I'm a huge board-game nerd and I love all board games. Hell, this Christmas I bought myself a brand-new box of Monopoly to play with friends when they come over. So it would be pretty boring to read this over and over again:

Mousetrap is so effing awesome. Look at all the shit that happens! Whoah!

How sick is Connect Four? I could seriously play that for 48-hours straight.

Has Guess Who? been inducted into the Smithsonian yet?
It's so fun, amiright?

Dream: Beetlejuice and Seth Green
Okay, so this post was pretty recent, but there wasn't much to it. The title was simply Fucked Up Dreams and I had uploaded two pictures: one of Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice and Seth Green. That's it. No other description. How the hell was I supposed to connect the dots between Beetlejuice and Seth Green? The only thing I remember about that dream was that I had sex with Seth Green. YES, I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!?! What the hell did I eat before I went to bed that would have me having sex with Seth Green? Maybe it was right after I watched Party Monster for the umpteenth time, or maybe I had just finished watching 60 minutes of Robot Chicken? Ugh, who knows. Regardless, it made it to the dream graveyard pretty damn fast.

Molestimus Prime (a Molesticon)
This was right after Halloween when I usually go over the best costumes from CollegeHumor.com, and I'm thinking that I found a picture of someone dressed as Optimus Prime but also as a sexual predator? I...don't know about that one.

Crappy Canadian Commercials

I tried to put together a list, and I came up with one. Just one! I know, Canada is a hotbed of shitty television, and this was all I found:

Now, if you're one of my American readers, I need to explain this to you. This PSA was shown AT LEAST 3 times a day on every Canadian channel. It is piss-poor film making at its best, and everything looks like it was stolen from other children's television show sets (or found in the garbage). Nothing about it makes sense:
- We first see Sis chomping down on a house plant. What? I've babysat some pretty dumb kids, but never has one attempted to eat a house plant. Later on she can be seen biting at Brother's ukelele. Sis is failing at life. I'm going to assume her mother's bloodstream was lousy with crystal meth during her second pregnancy.
- Why is Brother's nose so hugely out of proportion?
- Why does the brother wear a captain's hat? Who is he, the Skipper form Gilligan's Island?
- Towards the end, you can clearly see the arm sticking out from under Sis' skirt. LAZY.
- Yo, where do these random animals come from? Are they family friends or relatives? Let's take the high road and just assume they're Brother and Sis' dealers come to collect.
- "Like a muffin or a beet". Like a muffin or a beet? What child runs up to their parents holding a raw beet screaming "PLEASE CAN I EAT THIS?!?!?!!"

Anyways, that's it for now. I guess I just wanted to say Thanks for reading and being as loyal as you all are. I'm pretty grateful for your readership and knowing that there is even one person out there who thinks I'm the cats-ass is pretty amazing. Year 4 is bound to have plenty of awesomeness as well: America's Next Top Model Cycle 14, a really cool interview with a really cool musician, and (drumroll please) in 2 months I'm going to Florida again! That means many, many more "Canada is like this, while America is like this"-style observations and trips to the Cracker Barrel. I know, I'm too good to you people.

Alright, enough tears! See you all real soon!
xoxo
The Mayor

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