2.25.2010

Is your coworker a serial killer?

Earlier this month, my best friend expressed some concern over a new hire at her office, stating that, while she could not be sure, she had an inkling that he may be a serial killer. Why? He looks like Ted Bundy, wears a windbreaker, and sings Top-40 Reggae to himself as a 'pick-me-up'. I know, right? Thems some tell-tale signs. But according to Dr. Phil, these are not the typical tell-tale-signs of a serial killer. Dr. Phil (who is obviously the pinnacle of reliable and trustworthy medicine) believes in the standard 14 Characteristics of a Serial Killer profile which break down a few very specific patterns and behaviours of said would-be serial killer. So I figured I would go through the list and help my best friend out by determining when he'll start asking what dress size she wears and if she can help him load a very heavy couch into his unmarked, windowless van. Remember - if he hasn't already gone on a mass-murdering spree, don't think he doesn't have it in him; all it takes is some Q Lazzarus and the following 14 characteristics:

1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male.
Check! Also fun to note: most of them are white. Crazy, right? What the hell is up with white people? God damn, I would be fucking terrified of us if I wasn't white.

2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range.
Guys with Downs syndrome, take a lap - you're in the clear on this one. You too, super geniuses; you're too busy planning the perfect murder against your High School bully to worry about multiple senseless killings anyways. So that leaves...every other man on the planet. According to this theory, anyone who isn't a complete dumbass or extremely intelligent could be a serial killer.

3. They do poorly in school, have trouble holding down jobs, and often work as unskilled laborers.
My best friend's potential serial killer is like 35 and works at a job that pays a little over minimum wage, which leads me to believe he:
a) was dealt a shitty hand in life and couldn't get his shit together
b) made a few mistakes that made it impossible for him to have the skill-set for a normal job
c) did poorly in school and has a hard time holding down jobs (oh shit, serial killer!)

4. They tend to come from markedly unstable families.
Where his Dad at? Ask him. Just go ahead and be like "so...is your dad in the picture? Just curious". I think that's socially acceptable, right?

5. As children, they are abandoned by their fathers and raised by domineering mothers.
Again, better check the Mom too.

6. Their families often have criminal, psychiatric and alcoholic histories.
Let's just assume this is a yes as well because, really, who's family doesn't have at least one of the following:
- alcoholic
- drug addict
- Uncle who smokes too much weed
- cousin who keeps getting DUIs
- shoplifter Aunt
- depressed Gam-gam
- emo Nephew

7. They hate their fathers and mothers.
Go up to him and ask what he's doing for Mothers Day. If he says 'masturbating' or worse - stabs something - then you got your answer.

8. They are commonly abused as children — psychologically, physically and sexually. Often the abuse is by a family member.
Ask him if he's seen Precious and if he can relate to Precious.

9. Many serial killers spend time in institutions as children and have records of early psychiatric problems.
Ask him if he's seen Shutter Island and if he can relate to the mental institution on Shutter Island.

10. They have high rates of suicide attempts.
You should joke with him about suicide and then see what his reaction is. Does he wistfully look off into the distance? Yup, he's thinking about hanging himself! Also, long scars on the inside forearms are dead giveaways, and remember:
Back and Forth - to the hospital
Up and Down - to the morgue
Note: talking about 'sleeping forever' and 'drowning in sorry' could just mean he's into metal/goth music, so you can't use that as any kind of a control in this study.

11. From an early age, many are intensely interested in voyeurism, fetishism, and sado-masochistic pornography.
Reggae is a type of porn, right? Just kidding! I know that reggae is a lazy, shitty excuse for music. But seriously, this one needs to be more specific. For instance:
- Vintage pictures of Bettie Page in BDSM gear? Oooh, scandalous! Titillating!
- Vintage pictures of naked corpses, bound and gagged? FUCKED UP.

12. More than 60 percent of serial killers wet their beds beyond the age of 12.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

13. Many serial killers are fascinated with fire starting.
Does he light a menorah even though he isn't Jewish? That just wasn't even funny. Also it could be a sign that he's just dabbling in Judaism (like Madonna).

14. They are involved with sadistic activity or tormenting small creatures.
Ask if he'll cat-sit your cat, then see if the cat mysteriously dies. Hey, do you want to find out if this guy is a serial killer or not? Exactly. You've had a good run with Captain Pants, but it's high time he took one for the team.

So there you have it folks! 14 warning signs that your friend/coworker/loved one is planning on killing you and making desk lamps with your bones. It's probably best to just cut ties with them immediately. Don't tell them why - they don't need another reason to scrawl manifesto notes in blood in their journals. Keep safe!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh shit this one must be a serial killer then. Jesh People can make a consious effort not to be like their parents you know and there is NO perfect parents. People should stop sympathizing with serial killers when they use the parent excuse as there is documented reports as well of children turning as teens some coming from perfectly loving homes too. If parents make one mistake it is silly to this one that people would agree it is the fault of parents. Or allow the killer to gain sympathy by these means. what a shame that this one falls under the serial killer persona by ALL of these statements and has not killed a single individual what does that make this one now. OH wait instead of killing or harming people this one is a masochist. Is that it. lol

The Mayor said...

Did you just have a stroke?

Anonymous said...

nah this one believes that LOTS of people have many tendencies. People stop and stare at others misfortunes all the time and when a psychopath is executed people stand around cheering and behaving just as psychopathic as the criminal himself. Have You ever watched documentaries and seen just how riled up these people become and witnessed the words and seen the similarities in behavior that they express. It is astonishing. Sure there is people that do not partake or feel remorse for lost souls/victims and say that people should just mourn the loss and not celebrate in that manner and then there is truly astonishing people that are members of the victims families that will stand in court and say that they forgive etc.. There is even police involved in the investigations that try to get into the minds of the serial killers and enter on the edge of insanity themselves when they try to think like them. They come to the rationalization that it is a dangerous thing to do because for some they could actually become like them by doing so. As they say humans are the worse form of animal. There is nothing shocking, but what there is is many excuses and many trying to understand themselves and/or others.

Anonymous said...

BWAHAHAHAWA!