The Oscars!!!

I don't care how pompous and narcissistic the Academy Awards are, I still love watching them, following them, betting a good percentage of my paycheck on them, and doing a shot of Jager every time I hear "and the Academy Award goes to....". So today I was super-dupes excited to hear the nominations were announced, and I wanted to go over some of them with you. Here are the nominations, along with my thoughts on who will win, who should win, and who was straight-up robbed (Mariah, I'm looking in your direction, girl).
Let's do this!

Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
The Secret of Kells

Who Should Get It: Coraline. Yeah, that's it - no explanation. Coraline is a near-perfect film.

Who Will Get It: UP, and with good reason. How is it that an animated child's movie was the only movie to really move me to tears THREE TIMES? Pete Docter is just an incredible storyteller and the relationship between Carl and Russell at the end is just too beautiful.

Who Was ROBBED: No one! There aren't that many animated films to rob of an award. Really, we could have done with one less (I'm looking at you, Princess and the Frog...)

Matt Damon in, Invictus
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Who Should Get It: Christoph Waltz

Who Will Get It: Did you not hear me the first time around?!?! CHRISTOPH MOTHERFUCKING WALTZ. Ho-lee-shit, how tough as nails was he in Inglourious Basterds?? I practically pissed my pants every time I saw him on screen. Then, with that last scene with Brad and Ryan Howard from The Office...shit, right?!?!?

Who Was ROBBED: Technically no one, since Christoph Waltz is the man, but just for posterity, let's say I'm choked up that Eli Roth didn't get nominated for being a hot piece in IB. Also, he wouldn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of being nominated for it, but I loved Ben Affleck as Dean in Extract.

Penélope Cruz, Nine
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
Mo’Nique, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

Who Should Get It: Um, not Twilight's Anna Kendrick, that's for damn sure.

Who Will Get It: It better be my personal hero and AMAZING acceptance speech-giver, Mo'Nique. Plus, Academy Awards history will be made if she wins; she will be the first one-name African-American to win (Cher was the first, but is she even really considered white? She's like 1/4 white, 1/4 native, 1/4 Gypsy, 1/4 wigs)

Who Was ROBBED: MARIAH!!!!!!!! Precious would be NOTHING without her incredible performance as a mustachioed social worker. Praise Jesus she will still be there on Oscar night - I can't go a week without knowing what Mariah's crazy ass is up to. Fun Fact: Mariah already has an Oscar. Fucked up, right?!?!

Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up in the Air
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Who Should Get It: Jeremy Renner. People who know me know I am very critical of the armed forces; not like back in WW2 - those men and women are my heroes, but at present. After seeing The Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner made me feel really sorry for those overseas. Actually, not sorry (that's not the right word): he made me feel like a dick for even thinking bad shit about those in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Who Will Get It: I haven't heard a bad thing about Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. Plus, he's the fucking Dude, and you can't argue with that logic.

Who Was ROBBED: Ryan Reynolds, The Proposal. Never have I seen such range and variety of emotion played out through Van Wilder himself. He continually makes me proud to be a fellow Canadian. All jokes aside, it should have been Alec Baldwin in It's Complicated, where he played a very sexy walrus.

Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

Who Should Get It: Obviously Gabby Sidibe. Not only did she fucking nail it in her first movie EVER, but she is an absolute joy to listen to in interviews. Love love love her!

Who Will Get It: Sandra "I was in Speed 2: Cruise Control" Bullock. Everyone seems to be jizzing in their pants over her "I'm just a down-home country bumpkin from Texas" role in The Blind Side, but guess what? I liked it better when it was called Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovitch. Fuck, it kills me to hate on Sandy B, because she is adorable with a capitol A and she was in Miss Congeniality (WHICH I LOVE).

Who Was ROBBED: Lindsay Lohan, Labor Pains. People! The best actress of our time, LiLo, is trying so effing hard to get clean and sober (try not to spit out all your coffee with that one) and we just keep ignoring her best work, forcing her to take shittier and shittier roles. When will we wake up and realize that Labor Pains is the Sophie's Choice of our time?!?!

Um, who cares?

- see above

James Cameron (Avatar)
Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker)
Quentin Tarantino (Inglourious Basterds)
Lee Daniels (Precious)
Jason Reitman (Up in the Air)

Who Should Get It: NOT JAMES CAMERON. He's had his chance, and he proved he's a fucking dickweed.

Who Will Get It: Probably Donnie Dickweed himself, James Cameron.

Who Was ROBBED: Everyone on that list who was nominated with James Cameron. What were they robbed of? Dignity. Also Todd Phillips, who's movie The Hangover made more people go to the movies than Up in the Air. TRUTH!

BEST PICTURE (hold on kids, this is a long-ass list. Better get a beer and settle in)
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
A Serious Man
Up in the Air

Instead of doing the whole who should get it/who will get it/who was robbed, I'm going to comment on every picture. Why? Because I actually saw most of them (unlike last year, where I didn't see a god-damned one).

Avatar - I haven't seen this yet, and I plan on seeing it in IMAX 3D when I can finally get tickets, but that shit is sold-out like it's Michael Jackson's funeral. Goddamn it people, take a weekend off and let me spend $20 on this garbage already! But if I had to judge a book by its cover, I'd say Avatar is a PG-13 Fern Gully. FUCK THAT NOISE.

The Blind Side - Again, haven't seen this, but I honestly do want to. I love feel-good American Dream stories, and I love Tim McGraw (what?) and I love Texas-looking wigs and press-on nails, so there is no reason why I shouldn't see this movie. But best picture? Come the fuck on. Didn't we learn anything from Crash?

District 9 - Holla, D9 was a sick movie. The ending was a little womp-womp, but the story was fantastic; probably the most realistic movie about aliens in years. Would they actually land on Earth and blow up the White House and kill everyone but the odd single mom and dead-beat-dad in need of redemption? Hells no, they'd be thrown into ghettoes and forced to live off our garbage and worn-out Nikes. Hellooo....metaphor for apartheid! Take that, Morgan Freeman in Invictus.

An Education - Snore. NEXT!

The Hurt Locker - Wow, you want to be thoroughly depressed for 2 hours? Check out The Hurt Locker. The ending is so "that fucking sucks, but...really...who else is going to do that shit?" that you walk away feeling like an asshole for ever listening to Anti-Flag's A New Kind of Army.

Inglourious Basterds
- Okay, so my Dad and I went to see IB together and at the end of the movie we were both looking at each other with our mouths agape like "what....the.....FAAAAACK?!?!?!?! WHY WAS THAT SO AMAZING?!?!?!?" If this was a just and sane world, Quentin Tarantino would walk away with the Best Picture Oscar he deserves. Everyone in IB gives such an amazing performance you'd think that God came to Tarantino in a dream and was like "listen, I'm going to give you an idea for the funnest movie ever made. Write this down...and do everything you can to convince the following people to be in your movie". Also, what - 6, 7 months later, and I'm still saying:
"Each and every man under mah command owes me one hundrid Natzi skyalps. And ah want mah skyalps!"

Precious - HELLS TO THE YES, BOBBY B!!! Precious was easily the best movie I saw all year, and for like a million reasons, but here are a few:
- MARIAH!!!!!!!
- Giant marshmallow of happiness and rainbows, Gabby Sidibe
- "I'm Joann, my favorite color is fluorescent beige. I'm already in the music business, shoot, I'm just here to get my GED!"
- Sherri Shepherd being credited as "Cornrows" (Also, Sherri Shepherd being THE BEST!)
- MO-FUCKING-NIQUE!!!! Holy shit, that was a bad-ass role for her. Shit, I don't know who scares me more: Col. Hans Landa ("The Jew Hunter") or Mary Jones.

A Serious Man - Look, I have been a Coen brothers fan for years and years and years, so let's pretend for a second that I'm not speaking with a complete bias, okay? But A Serious Man was just a terrific movie. Was it as good as No Country for Old Men? No. Fuck, nothing is, quite frankly. But is it the kind of movie that will find its legs on DVD like, say, Barton Fink or The Big Lebowski? Yes, totally. It won't win (doesn't stand a chance, not enough people will get it) but I strongly advise you to check it out when its released on DVD.

Up - You know what? It's about damn time. Pixar has been so consistent with the quality of its films, and we need to recognize. Shit, even their shittiest movie Cars isn't that terrible. Up is just so beautiful and sweet, and has Ed Asner ever been better? So nice, I saw it twice (even though it made me weep like I have never wept before). I actually took my Great Aunt to see it, who about 1 year earlier had lost her husband. I was unsure about how she might feel about the beginning of the film, but then I realized - how hopeful and inspiring the story was! I think every senior should see Up to remind them that just because they have lost someone so significant to them and that they feel they aren't much use anymore, there is always someone out there who needs them more than they know.

Up in the Air - I'll admit, I was really skeptical about this one before I saw it. The trailers alluded to it being the feel-good hilarious rom-com of 2010. I'm not a fan of rom-coms, but it was getting really good reviews and it had Rose from Two and a Half Men and Danny McBride, so I figured "why not spend 2 hours with an escapist piece of fluff?" Um, WRONG. There is nothing rom-com adorable about this. It is a sad, heartbreaking film. Don't see this if you expect adorable Juno-talk or JK Simmons being JK Simmons. Go if you want to feel like crap (but remember - if you want to feel like shit, see The Hurt Locker, and if you want to feel like God took a dump on you, see Precious).

So who will get it? Well, the race is really down to three films: Fern Gully 2, Up in the Air, and The Hurt Locker. Up in the Air is timely (recession, people losing their jobs, etc) and The Hurt Locker is a good social piece (war sucks and nobody wins, but someone has to clean up) and Avatar is like an epic piece of new technology (holy crap, it's like being on a ride at Disneyland!!!). There are a few dark horses in this race, namely Precious (um, could her life suck more? NOPE) and Inglourious Basterds (really fun, fantastic storytelling). So who knows? Aw, fuck it - Avatar is going to win. Let's just hope it's better than Slumdog Chamillionaire, am I right?


Anonymous said...

If Avatar must win best picture complete with James-I'm-so-full-of-myself Cameron's speech, then I hope the voting members do the right thing and give the best director oscar to his partner Kathryn Bigelow!

That'll shut him up.

Anonymous said...

ooops...I mean EX partner. Even better.

Anonymous said...

Ferngully 3- there was an actual cartton Ferngully 2..I know this because my cousin loved it- and never saw the original. What a dork.

Jenn L said...

can i say i have a huge lady crush on diane kruger and Mélanie Laurent. why do i not look like them? annoying.

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