A New Post about America!

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I rapped at you last. My bad! I've just been glued to the internets since this whole Sandra Bullock/Jesse James/divorce-o sex-o nazi-o scandalo broke; my world has been rocked to say the least. Anyways, I don't have much to tell you except maybe a story or two from my weekend. Okay, so remember how I was eating a shit-ton of Chef Boyardee in order to save for a new bike? Well, guess who was able to eat for $2 a day long enough to save up $200?? That's right, this one! After discovering a few money-saving tips (like buying Chef Boyardee in bulk from Costco at $1 per can, and snacking on bagged coconut from my baking cupboard instead of going to the store and buying a Snickers) I was able to save enough money from a few paycheques to buy a brand new bike. This is seriously a big deal for me people, as my last couple of bikes have been straight-up used. The last bike I owned (and sold to a poor sucker from Craigslist for $120) would break down on me every 3 weeks. The tires were constantly popping, the chain was always catching, gears would stick, the seat dug into my ass, and the major fact that it was far too small for me; I am almost 6 feet tall and my bike was built for a 14-year-old Russian gymnast. Anyways, in Toronto good, new bikes for less than $200 are pretty few and far between - I could have easily spent $150 on a shitty Walmart-brand bike that would rust up pretty hard after the first rain, but I might as well just wipe my ass with a couple of $100 bills. I was researching Target bikes for a while and found some awesome ones (they sell Schwinns for $150 - $200. Loco!) so I knew that making a trip to the States would be in my future.

On Saturday morning I packed up a few things and headed across the border with my friend Tony. He wanted a new pair of shoes (and also a mini-holiday) so we decided to stay the weekend in Buffalo, New York. We crossed the border at about 6:30pm and headed right to our hotel to check in. Okay, so I am not internet-savvy in the least; I always type in google.com to search for something even though there is a google search section at the top of Firefox. Anyways, I have just discovered Priceline and it is AMAZING. We booked a room at a Holiday Inn for $40 AND it had a pool AND it had cable AND it didn't smell like rat piss. It was super glamorous, like where Fergie would stay if she took a trip to Buffalo, New York. I wanted to go to the mall asap because it would close at 9:30pm and I wanted to get a good look-around at all the stores we don't have here in Canada. Sidebar...

A Word about American Malls
Um, why the fuck are they so gross? And I'm not talking about cleanliness either - their floors are spotless and there's not a homeless drifter in sight. I'm talking about the stores in American malls: it's like wall to wall American Eagle/Hollister/Abercrombie. Never have I seen so many white hoodies or sandblasted flares or shell necklaces or ROXY tote bags. Even their Urban Outfitters was suspect; plenty of leggings and t-shirts with the Transformers logo. And the lanyards MY GOD the lanyards! And the sunglasses on the head being used as a headband! And the bright white skate shoes! Such bad fashion. I'm sure that everyone who saw me just assumed I was from some backwoods village where I grew up without a TV and a mom that made all my clothes from old bedsheets.

Regardless, Tony bought a pair of shoes and when the mall started closing I begged to have dinner at the classiest place on earth, The Cheesecake Factory. If you have never been to a Cheesecake Factory (like my friend) here is what you need to know:

1. They have a billion cheesecakes by the slice, all of which are delicious
2. The inside looks like a Greco-Roman themed ride at Disney World (complete with huge painted pillars and fake crumbling plaster)
3. The portions are MASSIVE. The prices are fairly low (I think my taco plate was about $11)

I'm dead serious about that last one. I think it's the combination of huge plates of food and a 40+ selection of cheesecakes. They serve pop in pitchers (when is the last time you ordered a pitcher of Coke?) and they majorly push appetizers and upsell on sauces and gravies. Our server really wanted to see us order the spinach and artichoke dip (a common joke between me and Tony, as in 'every shitty restaurant from here to China has some kind of crappy spinach and artichoke dip on their menu). When I ordered fish tacos he kind of gave me this puzzled look that said 'no one has ever ordered fish here before...'. But I have to hand it to him: once there was 2 inches of Diet Coke missing from my glass, he ran over and brought me a new full one. I got 3 full Diet Cokes by the end of dinner, but I only remember drinking about 6 or 7 sips. Alright, another word about fatsos: their lust for food knows no bounds. The woman beside me was like "Oh, I'm not even that hungry...I just want a salad or something light (you KNOW she thinks it's spelled l-i-t-e)....I'll have the avocado spring rolls". You know what avocado spring rolls are? DEEP FRIED GUACAMOLE. And she got about 8 of them on her plate. Excuse me?!?!? The women on the other side of us were both good candidates for The Biggest Loser and kept shooting me the dirtiest cut-eye all through my meal. I wondered why, and I came up with a few plausable reasons:

1. Food wasn't getting trapped in my double-chin (also, a noticeable lack of double-chin)
2. They couldn't understand why I didn't order an appetizer
3. I'm foreign (I just assume that, despite being super-white and a bit of a hillbilly, my Canadian'ness just stinks right off me at all times)
4. I kept looking at them and going "EWWWWWW" (kidding!)

Dinner was disgusting at best (also very delicious) and our pants were unbuttoned before we reached the car. I definitely gained 5lbs from dinner, and passed out immediately the minute I got to the room. I woke up still full from dinner so I wasn't into eating breakfast right away; I did however make a crappy cup on in-room coffee. Here's a thought: why haven't they managed to make decent in-room coffee? It doesn't seem that difficult, and yet we just can't get it right. It tasted like warm brown dishwater (not delicious, even for someone like me who will drink literally anything coffee-like in nature). Oh, another quick sidebar:

Nobody Wins when You Swim with 12-year-old Boys
I mentioned before they had a pool at this Holiday Inn, which was GREAT. I love swimming and hot-tubbing, and I had brought my bathing suit in the off chance we got a place with a pool. So Sunday morning we woke up really early (8am!) to go swimming downstairs. It was really dead: just us, an older lady doing lane swimming, and a group of 6 pre-teen boys. How did I know they were pre-teens? They had those horribly embarrassing pre-teen boy boobs. Anyways, as I was swimming I noticed they were snickering at me from the hot-tub, so I asked my friend if he thought they were laughing at me (probably at my fat ass, or that my legs are really hairy. I don't know how they would have seen how hairy my legs were because we were at such a distance, but still). He told me they definitely weren't making fun of me, but 99% sure they were talking about my boobs. GROSS. Knock it off, you 6! You look at your mother with those eyes?!?! I sank down into the pool; no one gets a free show. Anyways, I felt really uneasy going into that hot-tub with the knowledge that there might have been some pre-teen boner popping just minutes before.

Okay, so...after swimming with boners we got dressed, checked out of the hotel, and drove to Target. I was honestly like I little kid; I had to pee the minute I got in the store from excitement. Also something to note: Target bathrooms aren't as nice as you'd think. Frowny face, it smelled like poo. There weren't as many bikes in the store as their was online, but they did have a few good ones. I tried a purple cruiser that was too small, then took a brown Schwinn cruiser from a dad. He was like "do you want to try this one?" Big mistake, buddy. Hope you didn't get too attached to it, cause it's mine now. I think he was looking for something in a mountain bike anyways. I rode it around the store and fell in love! It was super shiny and smooth, it has a rat-trap on the back so I can zip-tie a milk crate to my bike (I do my grocery shopping with my bike, so it needs to be able to hold all my Kraft Dinner and Beefaroni). The best part was it was exactly $195, so I wouldn't be over budget. Now I could easily go crazy in Target - everything is amazing - but I had to stick to my budget and limit my spending. So the only other thing I got was a sundress for work (which I wore the very next day). After buying my bike we were super hungry and wanted breakfast, so I suggested IHOP. A trip to America isn't a trip to America without a visit to Cracker Barrel (mecca) but both of us still had SEVERE gutrot from The Cheesecake Factory, so we thought we'd go for something simple and light. WRONG. IHOP is not the place to get simple tasty food. Until Sunday, I had never been to an IHOP before, and if you had asked me what I thought it would be like, I would have told you IHOP was the land of fluffy pancakes, hot coffee, and happy waitresses who would bring you complimentary napkins. Nope! IHOP is dirty, greasy, tasteless, and (of course) full of fatsos. I ordered something called 'loaded country potatoes' which was hashbrowns, cheese, sawmill gravy (the white stuff) and sausage chunks. This was served with scrambled eggs (that tasted like margarine) and two pancakes. My server asked if I wanted anything else. BIRCH PLACE! Are you kidding me?! Two eggs, two pancakes, and a plate full of white-trash taters...what else would I want? Like seriously, what else would one order with that? A sandwich? I have no idea. The booth behind me requested a side of hollandaise, so maybe he meant would I like more sauces or dippings? Long story short, IHOP wasn't worth a damn.

I'd say all in all this trip to 'Merica was pretty damn good. Bonus points for getting an amazing bike. Negative points for two meals in a row that were so high in sodium and nitrites I didn't shit for days. Oh, America...I love you, but you mistreat me, boo. Oh yeah, and these:

Those are Keebler cheesecake cookies. FUCK, America! You guys are winning the World's Most Obese Country race by a long shot - slow down a little, hit the bench once in a while.


The Mayor's Broke-Ass Challenge

Hey everyone! I know this will seem like a waste of a post to those of you out there who live the high life in your Trump condos and wipe your ass with endangered chinchilla pelts, but this is a post for the rest of us: broke-asses. Well, wait - let me clarify; I work a very decent job and I am by no means sleeping on a poo-stained mattress every night or limiting dental care to scratching at my teeth with my fingernails. But when I need to save money for something large, I really have to curb my spending. I don't usually spend a ton of money on clothes (most come from second-hand stores), I don't often drink, don't smoke, don't have a car. So guess where all my money goes? That's right - expensive foods. I wouldn't ever spend more than $20 on a hair cut, but I don't think twice about blowing $100 through cheese. I really want to buy a new bike (I have it picked out and everything!) so I need to start saving where I can. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mayor's Broke-Ass Challenge!

I used to think that saving money on food and drinks was limited to those making pruno in the penal system, but it doesn't have to get that bleak. JOKING! It does get that bad; I'm going to suffer from organ failure within the week, I know it. I started in the produce section looking for cheap fruits and vegetables. EPIC FAIL. Why is fruit so pricey? No wonder the poor kids I grew up with thought the 4 major food groups were noodles, cheez, bread, and pudding: tomatoes just weren't in the budget. Citrus was out because most are priced per piece; $1 for an orange? I'm sorry, I didn't realize I lived in Communist Russia. It's times like this that I wished I lived in a warmer climate where things grew all year and not just two months in the summer. I finally found a good deal - $1.99 for a pint of strawberries. Sure, they were imported from another country, but beggars can't be choosers when it comes to cheap food. Plus, they didn't look like they had dead scorpions in them, so they went into the basket.

With one item in my basket I moved onto personal care stuff. I knew I needed soap, but my usual brand is too expensive - $2 per bar - so I needed to sniff out a deal. I decided to go with the ghetto brand - Jergens - and then sunk even further by finding the generic version of Jergens. It's called Pure and Natural, which means that I'll probably break out in a rash the very first time I use it. BUT I got 8 bars of soap for $2.29. That means that each bar only cost $0.28 - that's some fucking cheap soap. I'm starting to think they were definitely made by Chinese laborers in a 200-degree factory with no washroom breaks. Well have to see how terrible they are (although they do smell good).

Dinner was clearly going to come in the form of a can, and there is no better cheap canned dinner than something homemade from the love of my life, Executive Chef Hector Boyardee. And just like my soap purchase, I went even one step cheaper by getting a can of No Name pasta. Okay, time for another Canadiana lesson for my American readers. In Canada, we have two grocery giants: Metro and Loblaw (okay, that's not totally true. We also have Italian supermarkets like Brunos, Weston Fine Foods, and Longos, and super WASP-y Sobeys, but in general, go to any town in Canada and you'll find a variation on Loblaws or Metro). No Name is the generic-of-the-generic brand, meaning Loblaws has a generic brand called President's Choice, and this is the even more generic, white trash brand. And they don't even disguise it; you know how some generic brands try to church up their names to sound all "hey! We're not what the poor kids have to buy! We're just like the name brand!"? Yeah, No Name doesn't give a shit; they tell you exactly what you're getting. For example:

I'm dead serious with that packaging too - it makes you feel like you're buying wartime rations. My No Name Beefaroni ("Macaroni and Beef", which sounds like something your mother would make if she worked the night shift at a casino) rung in at a cheap $1.39. This is where I'm scared, people; I am very picky and very good at telling the difference between brand-name and generic foods, as well as differentiating between common items (I can smell a cola and tell you whether it's Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi). Which means No Name Macaroni and Beef is either going to be a piss-poor substitute at best, or the most vile thing I have ever put in my mouth (and I did work down at the docks in college. HEY-O! I'll be here all week).

I also picked up a can of $0.99 No Name beans, but I have tried them before and they're delicious (but really, how do you fuck up beans, amiright?)

For the past while at work I have been eating out or bringing whatever from home, or just eating a late breakfast that will tie me over till dinner, but it's not really working for me. I think I'd like to have a decent lunch from here on out, so I picked up some cheap soup ($1.99 for a box. Yes, my soup came in a box. FUCK OFF) and it was on sale, so double score; lunch for two days, $1 per lunch. Again, this isn't a risk because it's Knorr soup, which is delicious. In case you were wondering, I bought broccoli and some kind of ground-up vegetable/potato soup. I have tried both before and they are really good but give me tummy shames (read: make me a little windy).

Lastly I knew I needed cereal, since I go through cereal like a child left alone on Saturday morning. On Saturday I bought a Family-sized box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch: by last night it was all gone (4 days. I'd like to say that's a new record, but my personal best has been a family sized box of Lucky Charms in 24 hours. Not my proudest moment). My old budget would have allowed me to pick out whatever my heart desired. $7.99 for a tiny box of All Bran Strawberry Bites? Don't mind if I do! But my days of $8 cereal are over, so it's back to Welfare Choice for me. Now, here's a little known fact about cereal shopping: try to find a box of anything for under $3. I know, right? Aren't the ingredients mostly grains and sugar? To the best of my knowledge those are pretty cheap, so why is cereal so pricey? Blargh. Nothing was really on sale; they did have a decent 2 for $6 deal, but that just encourages me to bowl-after-bowl binge. So I bought what was cheap ($2.94) and plentiful (500g) and decent sounding (President's Choice Raisin Almond Crunch). I haven't tried it yet, but I'm sure it's not going to be terrible. I mean, it's going to be a very shitty cousin of Raisin Bran, but isn't everything really just a shitty cousin of Raisin Bran? (What? Exactly).

Rounding out my shopping trip was a splurge - 1% plain yogurt. It was only $2.09 and will last me all week, but I felt shameful for not buying the hyper-discounted, nearly expired kids yogurt tubes. I would have saved $0.75, but lost something much greater (parasite-free intestinal walls. Also, dignity).

Everything came to $16.93, which kind of surprised me. I thought I could go much lower. 9 items for almost $17? I must be doing something wrong. Next time I want to make a goal for myself - say $15 and 12 items. I don't know if I have a hope in hell of achieving that kind of a lofty goal, but goddamnit, I'm going to try. This just in, I need a fucking life.

What did I do this weekend? Oh, just kick some ass at a cupcake competition.

This weekend I competed in Iron Cupcake Toronto and totally killed it (note: while I will be writing this post very casually and alluding to the fact that I totally curb-stomped the competition, I should stress that I did not think I was going to win, and when I did, I was extremely gracious and shy). Okay, so back to me winning the shit out of a cupcake competition. I had a week to think of a way to incorporate the secret ingredient (beer) with the secret theme (green), so I came up with this:

Cake - I took a vanilla cake recipe and turned it into beer-caramel cake. This was pretty simple. Caramel squares (like the kind you get at Halloween) plus beer (I used Smithwick's Irish Ale) and melted them together, then mixed it into the cake batter. The cake wasn't as beer'y caramel'y as I wanted, so I pumped some liquid caramel into the cooled cakes.

Icing - Normally I'm a vanilla buttercream person, but this time I added dark bitter chocolate and Guinness. I normally turn up my nose at chocolate icing, but this was lovely.

Decoration - This was the fiddly'est part. I took mini pretzels and hand-dipped them in white chocolate. I now know what kind of eternal punishment Satan has lined up for me when I die.

Then I had to take all of the above and painstakingly recreate them into 50 tiny cupcakes...which looked like this:

Tear. That's my little dude! I think that mine was very tastefully done and adorable and delicious, but I'm incredibly biased and a very competitive person. But take a look at the mini cupcake to the right of mine. See that hoodrat? That one took home the prize for Best Taste. HAYULL to the NAW, BOBBY B! Actually, I kid - hers looked delicious and was by far the most simple and least convoluted of all the cakes' Guinness cake with cream cheese icing, all homemade, all fresh. There were some fucked up "let's get all Guy Fieri on their asses" cakes, let me tell you. This one had a shit-ton of nuts, pretzels, pistachios, beer, mint, cheese, FUCK. Lady, come on - the challenge wasn't to use up everything in your fridge close to its expiration date. So yeah, while I didn't win the judges hearts, I won Best In Show - that means I won the people's votes with my adorable cake-with-a-hangover display. Seriously, if anything, I should have won the "Bitch needs to get out more" award, because I was a shut-in for a whole week. Every night I ran home from work to re-create a bedroom in miniature:

See that kids? That's the frowny, hungover face that won me a t-shirt and a 6-pack of cupcakes! Those tiny crumpled beer cans? HANDMADE. All the bedding? HAND SEWN. The banner being carried by sparrows behind his head that reads "The Morning After St. Patrick's Day" that is totally cut out of the picture? I DID THAT SHIT. Ev. Ree. Thang. I sewed up that little quilt, handcrafted a tiny foam-filled mattress, I even made a perfect 16:1 box of Advil (hell, even Cathy is shanking me some side-eye right about now). But who effs it! People thought my display was adorbs and that's just great, I'm pleased as punch. Since I got myself a button that says WINNER, I have been blacklisted from next month's competition, which is actually okay because the secret ingredient is coffee, and I am NOT A FAN of baking with coffee. I like to drink it, don't like to eat it. Anyways, that's it! I had a ton of fun and got to enjoy a Sunday afternoon indoors eating (aka my favourite way to spend every Sunday).


The Sads times a billion :(

Corey Haim (the Corey on the right, of course) went up to Heaven last night. He was only 38, and it looks like it might have been the result of a drug overdose. This is the sads for real people because, while he wasn't my favourite Corey - that honour is bestowed upon Corey Feldman, he was still a goddamned good Corey. Plus, he starred in the hottest piece of cinema ever Anything for Love (but I remember it on TV as Just One of the Girls). Goddamn it, I know that Corey Haim didn't exactly have an A-List career, but its got to make you a bit sad when you see a kid thrown into Hollywood, given no direction or rules or shown how to save the money they make, blow everything on drugs and cars and god knows what else, file for bankruptcy, go to rehab, do shitty VH1 reality shows, show up to the opening of a Van Nuys Arby's (just for the free Big Beef n' Cheddars) and just desperately cling to fame. It's really heartbreaking. Forget Walk The Line or The Queen, I want to see the biopic on Corey Haim's life. Anyways, thoughts go out to his family, friends, and especially Corey Feldman, who's identity is no longer tied to that of The Two Coreys.

Sidebar: Lindsay Lohan, this is your fucking life in 15 years if you don't get your shit together.


The Morning After: The 82nd Annual Circle-jerk that is the Academy Awards

Hey guys! So can I just go ahead and assume you all have a life and didn't watch all 14 hours of the Oscars? Ugh, it was mad-trag; I cannot watch the Barbara Walters special OR the red carpet/chitter-chat with Ryan Seacrest (it's just too boring. Plus, in less than 12 hours, most blogs will have every single dress in jpg form ready for my mocking). But I still watch the whole shew and even that is a bit much. 8:30pm to 12:05am? Lawdamercy, why do I hate myself? Anyways, I do it every damn year (usually with a huge bowl of Dirty D) and here are the notes that I took:

- The Hurt Locker won best picture. Was it the best picture of the year? Debatable. I liked Inglourious Basterds much more, but it wasn't the What Does The Mayor Think of Movies Awards, so what can you do. I'm just glad Avatar didn't win; that movie was such a piece of shit. Seriously - pretty to look at, but there are lots of pretty things you can look at for 3 hours without spending close to $20 for a damn IMAX ticket.

- Speaking of Inglourious Basterds...Eli Roth, you in danger girl.
In case you aren't up to date on uneducated pieces of useless, skanky British trash, his date last night was Peaches Geldof. Eli, is your junk itchy and burn-y this morning? Exactly, a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it.
(PS - step off bitch, he's mine. Hope you like orange, cause I'm gonna put you in a jumpsuit. Cut your ass up, make it look like self-defense).

- She looks glamorous as fucking hell. You show em, bitch! Work that!
Also, at the very beginning of the awards they had the best actress and actor nominees come on stage together and they announced them and everyone did this demure sort of smile with your eyes/prayer-kiss to the audience thing (which I fucking HATE. You know what I'm talking about, right? Where they put their hands together like they're praying, and then angle them outwards to the audience as if to say "You. You are the reason I'm here. Praise you all". GAG). Anyways, Gabourey Sidibe does this sassy Naomi Campbel-esque pose-off thing, which made everyone fall in love with her for the billionth time.

- This wasn't terrible.

- What. The. Fuck? Okay, so during the award for best short documentary, this crazy memaw charges the stage like she just saw Janet Jackson's nipple at the Superbowl ("David! Kyle! Look away from the television!!!!") to interrupt the director's thank-you speech. Whaaaa? Really? But you know what I would have paid to see? The footage of her fat-ass hoofing it up to the stage. Have you ever seen a fat memaw run in a pair of Easy Spirits? Oh my god, it's hilarious.

- Ugh, this bitch? Really? I honestly can't wait for minute 14 on this ho's fame-clock, because then at least I know her expiry date is getting near.
Don't you sometimes like to imagine what celebrities would be like if they weren't famous? I think Kristen Stewart would be working some kind of McDonalds management position. Maybe Tim Hortons. Hell, I'll even throw in the possibility of a mall job; Old Navy, perhaps?
PS - it's pronounced hor-or, not whore.

- I'm sure you all expect me to say something curt and bitchy about Sandra Bullock's win for that Sassy Texas Mom Adopts a Kid (although I can't make fun; my friend Steph and I were looking to see a movie this weekend and she says "how about The Blind Side?" and I got really excited and was like "Yes! I have wanted to see that forever!" and she deadpans "oh my god, I was joking"). But you know what? I can't. I can't say anything negative about this woman.

A month leading up to the ceremony, she starts a fake feud with Meryl Streep (aka The Fucking Best). This continues all the way up till last night when Meryl goes to hug her and she flat-out snubs her hug (obviously Sophie's Choice was cool with it; you can see her laughing her ass off as Sandra walks up to accept her award). So, amazing. Next reason she's the best: only the night before she was nominated for a Razzie for worst performance (for All About Steve). She showed up and accepted her award, but also brought DVDs of All About Steve for everyone in the audience. See also: How Halle Berry won my heart. And lastly, she brought Jesse James (aw) who kept tearing up and talked about how anyone can be a mom and how important it is to look after people, etc. Normally this would just be bla bla whatever talk, but she is a step-mom herself in real life (and apparently a very good one). You know what? Take note bitches like Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, JLo - stop acting like your natural-born babies make you a "Mom"; you have step-children (um, in Nicole Kidman's case, adopted children....that you seem to have forgotten about). So Sandy B gets my thumbs up (in this same vein so does Megan Fox, who is apparently also a great step-mom to Brian Austin Green's son). Aw, smiles and puppies.

Anyways, that's all I really took from last night. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were good, but didn't blow me away (BRING. BACK. BILLY. CRYSTAL.)


Got some extra shit lying around the house? Bake something!

I've been told before that I'm a pretty good baker - no doye, I practice all the time. But this weekend I discovered a recipe for blondies that you can literally throw anything in and they'll blow your mind. In case you don't know what a blondie is, it's like a brownie (dense, cake-like) but instead of being sweetened with cocoa it's sweetened with brown sugar (amazing, right?) They're super easy and there aren't many flavours that don't work. For instance, this weekend I added pecans, chocolate chunks, butterscotch chips, and those cellophane-wrapped caramels; needless to say, 2 squares in and I could feel my teeth buckling and my pupils dilate. This time I wanted to add something to make it a little less Type 2, so I went searching in my baking cupboard for healthier nuggets...and also I ate all the caramel squares. So here's what I found!

In that bag is white chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, almonds, craisins, raisins, candied cherries, sunflower and pumpkin seeds (so...trail mix). They turned out really yummy, and my roommate told me they sort of taste like syrupy pancakes. Want the recipe? Here it is!

- Start by preheating your oven to 350 degrees. Don't ask why, just do it.

- Beat together a stick and a half of butter with 1 cup of brown sugar. When combined, beat in 2 eggs and a splash of vanilla. I like to use a lot of vanilla, but wouldn't go anywhere over this ratio:

It kind of looks like a face.

- In another bowl, sift 1 1/4 cups of flour with 1 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp baking soda, pinch of salt. Add this slowly to the wet stuff. Soon you'll get a delicious brown-sugary batter. Like this:

Don't eat more than a solid tablespoon or you'll start to feel sick.

- Now it's time to throw in all those random dried fruits and chocolates. I think a little more than a cup works, but put in as much or as little as you want.

- Spread it out into a large pan. I used a jelly roll pan so that they bake about 1/2 an inch thick. If you want a thicker, cake-y square, then use a normal 9x9.

Yum! Throw that shit in the oven for about 20 minutes. I am estimating this time since I didn't set a timer, but I know it was after the meet and greet on Jeopardy but right after revealing the answer to Final Jeopardy. When it comes out, it will look like this:

Once cooled, you can cut them into long bars. The flavour is very sugary, you pick up a lot of vanilla and cherry. But the best part is how dead-simple they are to make. As long as you have a few basic baking staples in your kitchen (flour, butter, brown sugar, eggs) you can add just about anything to the mix. Extra toothpaste? Why not. Tom Collins mix and pieces of frozen pie crust? Sure, have at it. Just send me some when you're done.


Why do I suddenly have a craving for chicken-fried steak and Twinkie casserole?

Mmmm, that's why - nothing gets me hungry for trans-fats like seeing a picture of Big Poppa Wheel o' Brie himself, Jonah Hill. Now, I'm no Niecy Nash, but it looks like Jonah has cleaned some of the junk outta his house (aka he's lost weight). Here's my beef with that: Jonah, I love you cause you're like a giant Twinkie-filled Snuggie. Don't change. Me love you long time, given that you maintain a staggeringly-robust weight over said 'long time', capeiche? Also, I have a few more beefs with Jonah Hill...have you seen his IMDB page recently? Santo Dios, when did he start working with Eugene Levy's agent? Take a look at his upcoming work (it's got me straight trippin, boo):

Get Him to the Greek - Hill plays a record company intern who needs to get an out-of-control musician (Russell Brand showing his range as an actor by playing...Russell Brand. Again) to a concert! Wacky!! This is going to suck butts.

21 Jump Street - This is for real, people. I wish that I was writing this via a videoblog so you could see how many times I have rolled my eyes. I know we say it a lot, but Hollywood has run so far out of ideas that they are taking any marginally-successful TV show/movie and "rebooting" it. There's a word I hate - reboot. Guess what? You can't reboot My So-Called Life without it being a heaping helping of dog turds. Same goes for 21 Jump Street (aka a show that people only remember because Johnny Depp was in it. No Johnny Depp? No give a shit). Anyways, Jonah Hill is writing and producing it which means it is either going to be a huge in-joke (which I'm into) or a crappy reboot (which I is nots intos).

Megamind - Someone send Pixar a good copyright infringement lawyer, stat.

The Adventurer's Handbook - The only thing I know about this film is that IMDB tells me that if I like this movie, I should also check out Baby's Day Out. Um, FAIL.

The Sitter
- this one is in development which means I have no idea what it's about, so I'm going to guess Jonah Hill is going the way of Vin Diesel and The Rock and do a tough-guy-babysits-kids film that you KNOW has Oscar Bait written all over it.

Pure Imagination - Don't care.

The Middle Child - See above.

Zoolander 2 - Know when this movie would have been amazing? NOT A DECADE LATER.

So yeah. Jonah has some 'splainin to do, because this list of films looks like Britney Spears' grocery list (all crap). Oh Jonah Jonah Jonah, you're killing me baby. Why are you doing this to me? You can't take leading man roles - you need to stick to "fat pothead" roles, or "fat smartass" roles. Hell, I'll still find you sexy if you keep doing "fat farting guy who poops his pants by mistake" roles. Anyways, call me bitch, we need to talk.

- The Mayor