The Morning After: The 82nd Annual Circle-jerk that is the Academy Awards

Hey guys! So can I just go ahead and assume you all have a life and didn't watch all 14 hours of the Oscars? Ugh, it was mad-trag; I cannot watch the Barbara Walters special OR the red carpet/chitter-chat with Ryan Seacrest (it's just too boring. Plus, in less than 12 hours, most blogs will have every single dress in jpg form ready for my mocking). But I still watch the whole shew and even that is a bit much. 8:30pm to 12:05am? Lawdamercy, why do I hate myself? Anyways, I do it every damn year (usually with a huge bowl of Dirty D) and here are the notes that I took:

- The Hurt Locker won best picture. Was it the best picture of the year? Debatable. I liked Inglourious Basterds much more, but it wasn't the What Does The Mayor Think of Movies Awards, so what can you do. I'm just glad Avatar didn't win; that movie was such a piece of shit. Seriously - pretty to look at, but there are lots of pretty things you can look at for 3 hours without spending close to $20 for a damn IMAX ticket.

- Speaking of Inglourious Basterds...Eli Roth, you in danger girl.
In case you aren't up to date on uneducated pieces of useless, skanky British trash, his date last night was Peaches Geldof. Eli, is your junk itchy and burn-y this morning? Exactly, a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it.
(PS - step off bitch, he's mine. Hope you like orange, cause I'm gonna put you in a jumpsuit. Cut your ass up, make it look like self-defense).

- She looks glamorous as fucking hell. You show em, bitch! Work that!
Also, at the very beginning of the awards they had the best actress and actor nominees come on stage together and they announced them and everyone did this demure sort of smile with your eyes/prayer-kiss to the audience thing (which I fucking HATE. You know what I'm talking about, right? Where they put their hands together like they're praying, and then angle them outwards to the audience as if to say "You. You are the reason I'm here. Praise you all". GAG). Anyways, Gabourey Sidibe does this sassy Naomi Campbel-esque pose-off thing, which made everyone fall in love with her for the billionth time.

- This wasn't terrible.

- What. The. Fuck? Okay, so during the award for best short documentary, this crazy memaw charges the stage like she just saw Janet Jackson's nipple at the Superbowl ("David! Kyle! Look away from the television!!!!") to interrupt the director's thank-you speech. Whaaaa? Really? But you know what I would have paid to see? The footage of her fat-ass hoofing it up to the stage. Have you ever seen a fat memaw run in a pair of Easy Spirits? Oh my god, it's hilarious.

- Ugh, this bitch? Really? I honestly can't wait for minute 14 on this ho's fame-clock, because then at least I know her expiry date is getting near.
Don't you sometimes like to imagine what celebrities would be like if they weren't famous? I think Kristen Stewart would be working some kind of McDonalds management position. Maybe Tim Hortons. Hell, I'll even throw in the possibility of a mall job; Old Navy, perhaps?
PS - it's pronounced hor-or, not whore.

- I'm sure you all expect me to say something curt and bitchy about Sandra Bullock's win for that Sassy Texas Mom Adopts a Kid (although I can't make fun; my friend Steph and I were looking to see a movie this weekend and she says "how about The Blind Side?" and I got really excited and was like "Yes! I have wanted to see that forever!" and she deadpans "oh my god, I was joking"). But you know what? I can't. I can't say anything negative about this woman.

A month leading up to the ceremony, she starts a fake feud with Meryl Streep (aka The Fucking Best). This continues all the way up till last night when Meryl goes to hug her and she flat-out snubs her hug (obviously Sophie's Choice was cool with it; you can see her laughing her ass off as Sandra walks up to accept her award). So, amazing. Next reason she's the best: only the night before she was nominated for a Razzie for worst performance (for All About Steve). She showed up and accepted her award, but also brought DVDs of All About Steve for everyone in the audience. See also: How Halle Berry won my heart. And lastly, she brought Jesse James (aw) who kept tearing up and talked about how anyone can be a mom and how important it is to look after people, etc. Normally this would just be bla bla whatever talk, but she is a step-mom herself in real life (and apparently a very good one). You know what? Take note bitches like Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, JLo - stop acting like your natural-born babies make you a "Mom"; you have step-children (um, in Nicole Kidman's case, adopted children....that you seem to have forgotten about). So Sandy B gets my thumbs up (in this same vein so does Megan Fox, who is apparently also a great step-mom to Brian Austin Green's son). Aw, smiles and puppies.

Anyways, that's all I really took from last night. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were good, but didn't blow me away (BRING. BACK. BILLY. CRYSTAL.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Funniest moment for me....Sherri Shepherd hitting on George Clooney!