A New Post about America!

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I rapped at you last. My bad! I've just been glued to the internets since this whole Sandra Bullock/Jesse James/divorce-o sex-o nazi-o scandalo broke; my world has been rocked to say the least. Anyways, I don't have much to tell you except maybe a story or two from my weekend. Okay, so remember how I was eating a shit-ton of Chef Boyardee in order to save for a new bike? Well, guess who was able to eat for $2 a day long enough to save up $200?? That's right, this one! After discovering a few money-saving tips (like buying Chef Boyardee in bulk from Costco at $1 per can, and snacking on bagged coconut from my baking cupboard instead of going to the store and buying a Snickers) I was able to save enough money from a few paycheques to buy a brand new bike. This is seriously a big deal for me people, as my last couple of bikes have been straight-up used. The last bike I owned (and sold to a poor sucker from Craigslist for $120) would break down on me every 3 weeks. The tires were constantly popping, the chain was always catching, gears would stick, the seat dug into my ass, and the major fact that it was far too small for me; I am almost 6 feet tall and my bike was built for a 14-year-old Russian gymnast. Anyways, in Toronto good, new bikes for less than $200 are pretty few and far between - I could have easily spent $150 on a shitty Walmart-brand bike that would rust up pretty hard after the first rain, but I might as well just wipe my ass with a couple of $100 bills. I was researching Target bikes for a while and found some awesome ones (they sell Schwinns for $150 - $200. Loco!) so I knew that making a trip to the States would be in my future.

On Saturday morning I packed up a few things and headed across the border with my friend Tony. He wanted a new pair of shoes (and also a mini-holiday) so we decided to stay the weekend in Buffalo, New York. We crossed the border at about 6:30pm and headed right to our hotel to check in. Okay, so I am not internet-savvy in the least; I always type in google.com to search for something even though there is a google search section at the top of Firefox. Anyways, I have just discovered Priceline and it is AMAZING. We booked a room at a Holiday Inn for $40 AND it had a pool AND it had cable AND it didn't smell like rat piss. It was super glamorous, like where Fergie would stay if she took a trip to Buffalo, New York. I wanted to go to the mall asap because it would close at 9:30pm and I wanted to get a good look-around at all the stores we don't have here in Canada. Sidebar...

A Word about American Malls
Um, why the fuck are they so gross? And I'm not talking about cleanliness either - their floors are spotless and there's not a homeless drifter in sight. I'm talking about the stores in American malls: it's like wall to wall American Eagle/Hollister/Abercrombie. Never have I seen so many white hoodies or sandblasted flares or shell necklaces or ROXY tote bags. Even their Urban Outfitters was suspect; plenty of leggings and t-shirts with the Transformers logo. And the lanyards MY GOD the lanyards! And the sunglasses on the head being used as a headband! And the bright white skate shoes! Such bad fashion. I'm sure that everyone who saw me just assumed I was from some backwoods village where I grew up without a TV and a mom that made all my clothes from old bedsheets.

Regardless, Tony bought a pair of shoes and when the mall started closing I begged to have dinner at the classiest place on earth, The Cheesecake Factory. If you have never been to a Cheesecake Factory (like my friend) here is what you need to know:

1. They have a billion cheesecakes by the slice, all of which are delicious
2. The inside looks like a Greco-Roman themed ride at Disney World (complete with huge painted pillars and fake crumbling plaster)
3. The portions are MASSIVE. The prices are fairly low (I think my taco plate was about $11)

I'm dead serious about that last one. I think it's the combination of huge plates of food and a 40+ selection of cheesecakes. They serve pop in pitchers (when is the last time you ordered a pitcher of Coke?) and they majorly push appetizers and upsell on sauces and gravies. Our server really wanted to see us order the spinach and artichoke dip (a common joke between me and Tony, as in 'every shitty restaurant from here to China has some kind of crappy spinach and artichoke dip on their menu). When I ordered fish tacos he kind of gave me this puzzled look that said 'no one has ever ordered fish here before...'. But I have to hand it to him: once there was 2 inches of Diet Coke missing from my glass, he ran over and brought me a new full one. I got 3 full Diet Cokes by the end of dinner, but I only remember drinking about 6 or 7 sips. Alright, another word about fatsos: their lust for food knows no bounds. The woman beside me was like "Oh, I'm not even that hungry...I just want a salad or something light (you KNOW she thinks it's spelled l-i-t-e)....I'll have the avocado spring rolls". You know what avocado spring rolls are? DEEP FRIED GUACAMOLE. And she got about 8 of them on her plate. Excuse me?!?!? The women on the other side of us were both good candidates for The Biggest Loser and kept shooting me the dirtiest cut-eye all through my meal. I wondered why, and I came up with a few plausable reasons:

1. Food wasn't getting trapped in my double-chin (also, a noticeable lack of double-chin)
2. They couldn't understand why I didn't order an appetizer
3. I'm foreign (I just assume that, despite being super-white and a bit of a hillbilly, my Canadian'ness just stinks right off me at all times)
4. I kept looking at them and going "EWWWWWW" (kidding!)

Dinner was disgusting at best (also very delicious) and our pants were unbuttoned before we reached the car. I definitely gained 5lbs from dinner, and passed out immediately the minute I got to the room. I woke up still full from dinner so I wasn't into eating breakfast right away; I did however make a crappy cup on in-room coffee. Here's a thought: why haven't they managed to make decent in-room coffee? It doesn't seem that difficult, and yet we just can't get it right. It tasted like warm brown dishwater (not delicious, even for someone like me who will drink literally anything coffee-like in nature). Oh, another quick sidebar:

Nobody Wins when You Swim with 12-year-old Boys
I mentioned before they had a pool at this Holiday Inn, which was GREAT. I love swimming and hot-tubbing, and I had brought my bathing suit in the off chance we got a place with a pool. So Sunday morning we woke up really early (8am!) to go swimming downstairs. It was really dead: just us, an older lady doing lane swimming, and a group of 6 pre-teen boys. How did I know they were pre-teens? They had those horribly embarrassing pre-teen boy boobs. Anyways, as I was swimming I noticed they were snickering at me from the hot-tub, so I asked my friend if he thought they were laughing at me (probably at my fat ass, or that my legs are really hairy. I don't know how they would have seen how hairy my legs were because we were at such a distance, but still). He told me they definitely weren't making fun of me, but 99% sure they were talking about my boobs. GROSS. Knock it off, you 6! You look at your mother with those eyes?!?! I sank down into the pool; no one gets a free show. Anyways, I felt really uneasy going into that hot-tub with the knowledge that there might have been some pre-teen boner popping just minutes before.

Okay, so...after swimming with boners we got dressed, checked out of the hotel, and drove to Target. I was honestly like I little kid; I had to pee the minute I got in the store from excitement. Also something to note: Target bathrooms aren't as nice as you'd think. Frowny face, it smelled like poo. There weren't as many bikes in the store as their was online, but they did have a few good ones. I tried a purple cruiser that was too small, then took a brown Schwinn cruiser from a dad. He was like "do you want to try this one?" Big mistake, buddy. Hope you didn't get too attached to it, cause it's mine now. I think he was looking for something in a mountain bike anyways. I rode it around the store and fell in love! It was super shiny and smooth, it has a rat-trap on the back so I can zip-tie a milk crate to my bike (I do my grocery shopping with my bike, so it needs to be able to hold all my Kraft Dinner and Beefaroni). The best part was it was exactly $195, so I wouldn't be over budget. Now I could easily go crazy in Target - everything is amazing - but I had to stick to my budget and limit my spending. So the only other thing I got was a sundress for work (which I wore the very next day). After buying my bike we were super hungry and wanted breakfast, so I suggested IHOP. A trip to America isn't a trip to America without a visit to Cracker Barrel (mecca) but both of us still had SEVERE gutrot from The Cheesecake Factory, so we thought we'd go for something simple and light. WRONG. IHOP is not the place to get simple tasty food. Until Sunday, I had never been to an IHOP before, and if you had asked me what I thought it would be like, I would have told you IHOP was the land of fluffy pancakes, hot coffee, and happy waitresses who would bring you complimentary napkins. Nope! IHOP is dirty, greasy, tasteless, and (of course) full of fatsos. I ordered something called 'loaded country potatoes' which was hashbrowns, cheese, sawmill gravy (the white stuff) and sausage chunks. This was served with scrambled eggs (that tasted like margarine) and two pancakes. My server asked if I wanted anything else. BIRCH PLACE! Are you kidding me?! Two eggs, two pancakes, and a plate full of white-trash taters...what else would I want? Like seriously, what else would one order with that? A sandwich? I have no idea. The booth behind me requested a side of hollandaise, so maybe he meant would I like more sauces or dippings? Long story short, IHOP wasn't worth a damn.

I'd say all in all this trip to 'Merica was pretty damn good. Bonus points for getting an amazing bike. Negative points for two meals in a row that were so high in sodium and nitrites I didn't shit for days. Oh, America...I love you, but you mistreat me, boo. Oh yeah, and these:

Those are Keebler cheesecake cookies. FUCK, America! You guys are winning the World's Most Obese Country race by a long shot - slow down a little, hit the bench once in a while.


dylan said...

your friend must have a pretty sad life if buffalo counts as a vacation destination :(

also, the only good thing about ihop is that they give you a giant thermos of coffee...it's shitty coffee, but you get all you can drink!

Quick Rick said...

Don't be so hard on the fatsos.. It's not their fault, it's glandular.

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