Why do I suddenly have a craving for chicken-fried steak and Twinkie casserole?

Mmmm, that's why - nothing gets me hungry for trans-fats like seeing a picture of Big Poppa Wheel o' Brie himself, Jonah Hill. Now, I'm no Niecy Nash, but it looks like Jonah has cleaned some of the junk outta his house (aka he's lost weight). Here's my beef with that: Jonah, I love you cause you're like a giant Twinkie-filled Snuggie. Don't change. Me love you long time, given that you maintain a staggeringly-robust weight over said 'long time', capeiche? Also, I have a few more beefs with Jonah Hill...have you seen his IMDB page recently? Santo Dios, when did he start working with Eugene Levy's agent? Take a look at his upcoming work (it's got me straight trippin, boo):

Get Him to the Greek - Hill plays a record company intern who needs to get an out-of-control musician (Russell Brand showing his range as an actor by playing...Russell Brand. Again) to a concert! Wacky!! This is going to suck butts.

21 Jump Street - This is for real, people. I wish that I was writing this via a videoblog so you could see how many times I have rolled my eyes. I know we say it a lot, but Hollywood has run so far out of ideas that they are taking any marginally-successful TV show/movie and "rebooting" it. There's a word I hate - reboot. Guess what? You can't reboot My So-Called Life without it being a heaping helping of dog turds. Same goes for 21 Jump Street (aka a show that people only remember because Johnny Depp was in it. No Johnny Depp? No give a shit). Anyways, Jonah Hill is writing and producing it which means it is either going to be a huge in-joke (which I'm into) or a crappy reboot (which I is nots intos).

Megamind - Someone send Pixar a good copyright infringement lawyer, stat.

The Adventurer's Handbook - The only thing I know about this film is that IMDB tells me that if I like this movie, I should also check out Baby's Day Out. Um, FAIL.

The Sitter
- this one is in development which means I have no idea what it's about, so I'm going to guess Jonah Hill is going the way of Vin Diesel and The Rock and do a tough-guy-babysits-kids film that you KNOW has Oscar Bait written all over it.

Pure Imagination - Don't care.

The Middle Child - See above.

Zoolander 2 - Know when this movie would have been amazing? NOT A DECADE LATER.

So yeah. Jonah has some 'splainin to do, because this list of films looks like Britney Spears' grocery list (all crap). Oh Jonah Jonah Jonah, you're killing me baby. Why are you doing this to me? You can't take leading man roles - you need to stick to "fat pothead" roles, or "fat smartass" roles. Hell, I'll still find you sexy if you keep doing "fat farting guy who poops his pants by mistake" roles. Anyways, call me bitch, we need to talk.

- The Mayor

1 comment:

Albert said...

21 Jumpstreet was the shit!