4.30.2010

It's that time again!!!!

Oh Flo Rida - someone should have used some of their money to buy the time of a financial planner (a wise investment if there ever was one, says I). Anyways, back to what Flo Rida was saying...I'm going back to Florida and I'm taking all of you with me! Check back on Monday for a new post about Florida, Americans, sand, hotness, shorts, smelly feet, pale skin, Bud Light Lime, malls, Cracker Barrels, airplanes, in-flight snacks, and FUN FUN FUN!!! Also sand crabs :(

See you on Monday from a totally new country!!!

4.27.2010

My gift to you!

That's right friends! In my spare time I like to make paper toys, and finally have finished one of my own. When I first started making one I wanted it to be simple and cute. Looks like I succeeded, because this little squirrel is ADORABLE. Anyways, it's super simple to put it together. Here's how:

1) Click on the image above to enlarge it.

2) Print it out. It's already formatted for a sheet of 8.5 x 11 piece of paper, so just make sure that it's at 100% and everything.

3) Use cardstock. If you don't have cardstock, you can use normal paper but it wont be as strong.

4) Print it out!

5) Using sharp scissors (ask a grown up to help you with this part!) cut out the squirrel's body, tail, and ears. Don't cut where there is a dash-line - that's where you need to fold!

6) The pieces that are mirror-images of each other (ears and tail) need to be glued together.

7) On the squirrel, make sure that the lines on the head and bum are cut though - that's where the tail and ears go.

8) Fold all the sides of the squirrel. This will make it much easier when you glue the sides.

9) Using a glue stick, glue the white folds inside the squirrel's body. Hold them in place till they dry (about 30 seconds).

10) Stick the ears into the ear-slots and the tail into the tail-slot and VOILA! You have a very happy squirrel to sit on your desk! Enjoy!

4.22.2010

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 14: stanky-stanky glue edition


Could this picture represent Cycle 14 anymore? I feel like they could bottle the energy from this seasons ANTM and sell it to college kids looking to score some downers.

Krista
Know what's crazy? When this shot came on I was STUNNED that this is the one they chose. During her shoot, don't you think she provided much more Grace Jones'edness? This kind of left me feeling empty, sort of like when you open your stocking on Christmas and don't find a clementine. I mean, it's still filled with awesome stuff, but the absence of a clementine is a bit of a let-down. In other news, I'm *almost* sure Krista is going to win this, just like she has already won my heart with when she uttered the phrase:

"I don't care what I have to do: bite, scratch, kick, beat chu down and ya momma too"

Oh Krista, you are a GEM!

Angelea
Coming in second for my favourite model (and most likely to have the HUGEST meltdown when they are eliminated) is Angelea! Ooooowee, are you looking at this shot?!? Right now I'm reading a book about Crips in the California prison system in the 80s called Inside the Crips by Colton Simpson (Read it, it's CRAZY) and Angelea totally seems like a gangbanger's girlfriend. I know she went to a RedBook College, bitch! Don't mean she can't make a shank out of melted plastic cups and cut yo ass.

Raina
She has that quality about her that screams "I'M BORING, DON'T GET INVOLVED IN A CONVERSATION WITH ME! IT WILL ONLY FRUSTRATE YOU."

Jessica
Jessica is such a classic Mean Girl. She acts super nice and friendly and all "Oh my god, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?" and then two seconds later she's cut-eyeing and deadpanning "that is the ugliest effing skirt I have ever seen".

Alasia
Bokay, Alasia...how do I feel about Alasia? I feel like I don't really like Alasia, but I really like this shot. Dare I say it: I think she should have been ranked higher. I definitely think this shot is better than Rania's, and I *almost* like it more than Angelea's (AND YOU KNOW ANGELEA IS MAH BOO). So while I know that Alasia's days are numbered, I also have faith that she will have a career ahead of her when she grows up a little. Also her hair looks like Hetty King.

Alexandra
Okay, were the rest of you totally shocked that Alexandra didn't go home?!? I don't like Anslee AT ALL, but I think she was robbed last week. Anslee was far better than Alexandra; did you see Alexandra trying to model?!?! Holy crap, that was depressing. Add to that I have no idea whether or not Alexandra is supposed to be plus-sized or not. As someone who has the measurements of a standard American plus-sized model, I can tell you - she is NOT plus-sized. She's just a fat model.
All hate mail can be sent to skipraid@gmail.com

Anslee
As said before, despite smelling like dookie, Anslee's shot isn't nearly the turd-in-the-punchbowl that Alexandra's was. You know, elimination this week was such a toss-up for me. Here were the pros and cons of each:

ALEXANDRA
Pros: her face is decent, has good hair
Cons: lawdy where do I start, terrible body, constant rigor mortis poses, no creativity, no drive, zero personality, bland bland bland, no chance of winning Cycle 14

ANSLEE
Pros: really good bone structure (including that crazy jaw), good eyes, has the drive
Cons: is a mom (NO MORE EFFING MOMMY-MODELS!!), complains too much, always giving the cut-eye, talks about how she wants to be a model to give a better life for her family

WINNER: yeah, Alexandra is less annoying. If Anslee wants to 'give her family a better life' (her words, not mine) she should take some night courses with Everest College and become a medical lab tech or a business administrator or the manager of a Business Depot or something. Seriously, I hate people that are like "If I just keep living my dream, and working hard, and playing all the clubs and bars I can in the tri-state area, I WILL be a rock star and make a better life for my family". Um no, if it hasn't happened yet, it won't (sowwy) so you should a) grow up and b) take responsibility and get a job that will pay your rent. I think letting Anslee go was a good idea; it's high time she realized that modeling isn't in the stars for her and the best way she can provide a decent life for her family is if she's with them (not hanging around Tyra's cameltoes). Speaking of Tyra...

When she mentioned they're going to New Zealand, did you not IMMEDIATELY think of Flight of the Conchords? I did. Maybe I need to read more books. Wait, scratch that - cause ANTM is just as tunnel-visioned. Their first photoshoot in NZ will be with sheep, and the episode after that will be a Lord of the Rings themed shoot. So yeah, stereotypes; yr doing it right. Anyways, if they DON'T do a FOTC-themed shoot, they are missing a serious opportunity. Bret and Jemaine aren't doing anything right now anyways (I'll tell you what they SHOULD be doing: a sequel to Eagle vs. Shark, but I digress).

Anyways, next week they're off to New Zealand! Krista and Angelea get to ride first class (LUCKY!) and they do a shoot with sheep on a hill. I'm going to just throw this out there: Alexandra is going home. And if she doesn't, then it's very clear she has made a pact with Satan and we should await the upcoming apocalypse. See you next week!

4.21.2010

Listomania!!

50 THINGS I LOVE
1. Elementary school lice checks
2. When a strange dog lets you pet it
3. Falling asleep after a warm mug of NeoCitran
4. When a baby laughs at you
5. When you gather all your hair and feel the ends after a fresh hair cut
6. Toy Fare magazine
7. Cookie dough before you add all the dry ingredients
8. Cold beer in a hot tub
9. Reading in the bathtub
10. Lime popsicles
11. Sitting on the beach before it gets too hot
12. Kraft Dinner
13. Having a nap at 4pm on a Saturday
14. Piping icing on cake
15. Black eyeliner
16. Snuggling up in a duvet, but poking your feet out
17. Watching the 4th hour of The Today Show with Hoda Kotb and Kathie-Lee Gifford
18. When you show a crazy religious zealot indifference (it drives them crazy when they can't argue)
19. The Beach Boys 'Pet Sounds'
20. When people use their/there/they're correctly
21. When people remember esoteric cartoons and television shows from 20 years ago
22. The sound of cracking open a cold Diet Coke
23. Presenting someone a birthday cake with lit candles and the lights off
24. When a baby falls asleep on you
25. Offering an elderly man your seat on the streetcar and he declines because it would be impolite to take the seat of a lady
26. New earrings
27. Picking my face
28. Long-running jokes
29. When a friend farts in front of you for the first time and it's 1/2 awkward 1/2 hilarious
30. Trying a new cereal
31. When little kids explain complicated stories
32. Low-brow humor
33. Making paper toys
34. Riding your bike in the dark
35. Very aggressive thunder storms
36. Seasons 3-10 of The Simpsons
37. Giving someone a friendship gift (when you find two of something and you keep one/give the other away)
38. Staying overnight in a hotel
39. Before and After pictures (especially plastic surgery ones)
40. RuPaul
41. Sitting on a roof
42. Costco samples
43. When a cashier rings up your purchase and they forget to charge you for something
44. Curling irons
45. Fireworks
46. Waving to my sister at work when I walk to the bank
47. Miniatures
48. Bad teeth
49. Yellow roses
50. Friendly squirrels

50 THINGS I HATE
1. Girls who wear stilettos/high heels to amusement parks
2. People who hate their relationship, are ultra unhappy, argue constantly, are emotionally abused, but won't break up because they've "invested too much time in it".
3. Farmville. Also see: people who play Farmville.
4. Moms on the streetcar who completely ignore their screaming child (US Weekly, texting, staring blankly out the window) until the minute you make an innocent comment like "sounds like someone needs a nap!" then they get all Rock of Love Bus on your ass, screaming "don't tell me how to raise my child! mind you own business, bitch! was he talking to you? come over here and say that to my face! my baby ain't done nothing wrong! Dyson can scream all he want, he don't need none of your stank!"
5. People with painfully boring names spelled in incredibly contrived ways: Ashleeigh, Kayeleigh, Maddysonn, Jessykah, Brayndonn
6. When cupcakes are treated like puppies ("Ooooooh! So cute!!! Nom nom nom!! I wish it had more glitter :/)
7. Long-haired cats that don't get brushed and their fur gets matted
8. People who's homes reek of litterbox. You do realize you have an animal defecating in the same environment you prepare food, right?
9. Racism, sexism, classism, homophobia: what's the point? Life is too short to get hung up on lame differences. Also it makes you look like trash.
10. People who say "In Canada we speak ENGLISH! If you can't speak English, get out of the country!" These are usually the same people who couldn't pronounce 'Immigration' properly if they had access to a "My First Speak and Spell" (also see: White Trash)
11. Comparing Diet Coke to cigarettes. NOT THE SAME. Please tell me just which cancer I will get from drinking Diet Coke and how long it will take. I'm happy to wait, really.
12. The Secret
13. The suffix "-ista"
14. Women who talk about their wedding being the best day of their lives. WTF? Your wedding was the best day of your life? How fucking boring is your life?
15. People who's fb profile picture is of their wedding...that happened more than 3 years ago
16. The phrase "I don't *get* 30 Rock". Look, I know you're still pissed that Everybody Loves Jim Belushi got canceled, but stop taking it out on people with decent taste in television
17. Transition lenses
18. People who use the term 'cheers' when they should be using 'thanks'
19. People who describe themselves as 'hipsters'
20. Girls who talk about feminism like they invented it, yet date the biggest douchebags
21. People embarrassed to go to dinner/a movie/vacation on their own. Own it! What are you afraid of? Being alone can be really great.
22. Cilantro
23. When people let their dogs crawl all over you and excuse it by saying "they are SO FRIENDLY!!" No, they're not friendly - they just have no boundaries
24. People who deny racism by saying "I have a black/asian/white/whatever friend". No, you don't - you have a brown guy at your work/a black neighbor/a white doctor/an asian relative-through-marriage. Just because you have had contact with someone of another race than yours doesn't excuse your backward comment
25. People who give me the 'bitch is racist' eye when I tell them I don't like Chinese food. I said Chinese food, not Chinese people. I'm sure there's tons of Chinese people who look at poutine and bear claws and think BARF
26. The phrase "I don't wear skirts"
27. Yelling at the elderly. It's heartbreaking
28. People who baby-talk words. Saying 'appies' instead of appetizers, 'peeps' instead of people, 'flippies' instead of flip-flops.
29. The banality of the Sex and the City lifestyle. EW
30. People who eat food in the grocery store while they shop. I don't know what's worse: that you're THAT hungry or that you're THAT bored
31. Joggers that refuse to take Christmas Day off
32. Anyone who pays $13 to see Epic Movie/Date Movie/Meet the Spartans/Disaster Movie in the theatres
33. When someone acts like they have discovered a blog about 6 months too late "Oh my god, I just found this HILARIOUS website called Stuff White People Like"
34. Artists who act like they are doing groundbreaking work by spending $20,000 of Canadian Arts Council grant money by placing a lone desk in an empty room. You are bullshitting yourself if you think you're contributing to culture.
35. Being embarrassed by a TV show/band/movie and referring to it as a "guilty pleasure". I'm don't feel guilty about LOVING cbc's Dragon's Den, you shouldn't feel guilty about loving How It's Made.
36. Talking about how your eyes change color. No shit, everyone's do.
37. That 905-er date-rapist uniform of a striped button-down shirt, distressed jeans (excuse me, "denim") and black leather pointy dress shoes. This is how wardrobe will dress the extras in 2030's version of Hot Tub Time Machine
38. When people act like I'm some mennonite, backwards polygamist's wife when I tell them I don't download TV shoes. Sowwy! I like to watch them on TV. Stop acting like I'm resisting technology, I just like to sit down on the couch and watch TV shows one episode per week.
39. Needing to have the most current version of a phone. No, my phone doesn't have 3G or browsing or mp3s or shit - I use it for talking and texting. Again, stop acting like I'm resisting technology. I just don't care.
40. Locavores. Guess what? Unless you live in a home that is 100% solar powered, your dumps power your internet, you make all your own clothing from weaving recycled fibres, being a member of the local food movement doesn't mean shit.
41. Hating the TTC. If you hate it so much, don't take it. Ride a bike, learn to walk, get your driver's license.
42. When small-towners make a big deal out of saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". If you live in a small-ass town 8 hours north of Toronto, I bet that your contact with Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, and Atheists is pretty slim, so you're really not rocking anyone's world by screaming Merry Christmas in their face. But when you come to a city where you're surrounded by a million different cultures, try not to prove "who's holiday it really is!" to everyone you see, okay? You look crazy.
43. When good people die too early
44. When horrible people live till they're 101
45. When teenage girls get pregnant and feel like abortion is this barbaric, soul-stealing option. Know what *might* be worse? Being a 15-year-old mother who has no interest in raising a child.
46. Acrylic tips on toenails
47. A million dirty silver piercings all up the side of one ear. 1996 called, they want you to stop being gross and maybe just knock it down from 9 to 2.
48. People who try to fudge a reason for their shitty tattoo. Did your dad die from AIDS? Instead of getting a convoluted neck piece involving a butterfly, a pocketwatch, and lotus flowers "in his memory", why not donate that $300 to AIDS research; trust, he'd want it that way.
49. When people won't reveal their middle name and are all like "OMG it's soooooo embarrassing!!" and then you find out it's something like Emily or Bradley.
50. Clip-in hair extensions

4.20.2010

An Open Letter to Lay's

To whom it may concern

I have been a long time customer and thoroughly enjoy your product line. While I haven't eaten Doritos since you stopped making the delicious Tandoori Sizzler variety, I still consider them to be an excellent example of fine snack making. But the reason I am writing is to suggest a new chip flavour, one that has been bizarrely absent from your extensive catalogue of chip flavours.

Mustard.

Please don't turn your nose up at the suggestion. I have been dipping plain Lay's in yellow mustard for years, just like one would do with pretzels, and it is delicious. I first decided to dip chips in mustard after realizing that it is the only condiment I put on hot dogs or hamburgers (ketchup is too sweet for me and relish is just gross. I'm a fan of dill pickle and not so much of sweet pickles). Mustard is tangy and spicy and tart and the flavour! Can you think of something better? Wait - don't do it, you'll ruin my theory. Anyways, sour tangy flavours and crispy chips are a proven success: Dill Pickle chips are very big with the kids, and Salt and Vinegar are a staple at birthday parties and movie nights. Even All Dressed, which can easily divide a group into lovers and haters, is a big seller. No one even knows the base flavours for All Dressed. Go ahead, try to name it; oh, there's images of foodstuffs on the bag, but have you ever given All Dressed to a blind person and asked them to name the flavour without using the term 'salad dressing'?

*Note: With a little research I have discovered that All Dressed chips are a Canadian thing, just like Dill Pickle and Ketchup. Seriously, can you imagine a world without Ketchup or All Dressed chips? If any of my American readers would like to try All Dressed chips, please email skipraid@gmail.com and I would be happy to mail you a bag. They are delicious and you would not regret it.

So I must ask - why hasn't there been mustard-flavoured chip yet? You have done everything - EVERYTHING - and yet you've missed a very lucrative snacking opportunity in a yellow-mustard-flavoured chip. I don't see why you wouldn't make a mustard chip; you are very well-versed in the world of chip-flavoured fails. Need I mention Roasted Chicken? And don't get me started on the disgusting Pizza flavour (I have no idea how you equate parmesan-barf with pizza flavour, but I guess that's why I'm not in the chip business). Also you have made literally zillions of cheese-flavours; how many do we need? How many people have written you begging you for another 4-cheese blend? May I assume 'none'?

As well, mustard chips will do well in all markets. Please note the following:

SPORTS
Mustard chips aren't for pussies. You're not a pussy are you? CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! U-S-A! U-S-A!

DRUNKS
Mustard reminds people of pretzels, which reminds people of bars, which reminds people of beer, which reminds people of getting wasted, which reminds people that 'holy shit, I better eat something before all this booze gives me alcohol poisoning'.

TEENS
This ain't your mama's potato chip! Mustard is X-TREME! Mustard is sour and tangy and your taste buds will EJACULATE WITH EXCITEMENT!!! Wait, can you say 'ejaculate' on TV?

KIDS
You can't spell Mustard without the word 'tard' and calling people a tard is funny! Poop! Toots! Booger!

PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO CASUALLY GROSS OTHERS OUT
We all know that person - they go to a Chinese food restaurant and order the grossest thing on the menu (like chicken faces or squirrel tails or something) and they act so worldly while they choke it down. Well this could be the chip for them! Not content with eating Spicy Curry or Wasabi or Poutine chips, they could grab a bag of Mustard and act like everyone else is the dummy for not wanting to ingest the overwhelmingly strong flavour of yellow mustard.

DOGS
Dogs will eat anything!

OLD PEOPLE
The tangy, strong taste of Mustard Chips will be cathartic for their weakened taste buds.

FATTIES
Oh man, fatties will eat anything

BLOGGERS
Oh man, bloggers will try anything

HIPSTERS
They'll eat them as long as no one else is. The minute someone in a suit or a pair of Crocs is seen eating them, they they will be lost.

I really can't see anyone not liking Yellow Mustard chips; I mean, mustard and pretzels has been a pretty solid couple for the past...I don't know...hundreds of years? Why not chips? And besides - what new flavours are you putting before the production of mustard chips? There are only so many ways you can do cheese and BBQ. And another thing. STOP TRYING TO MAKE LIME CHIPS HAPPEN. It's not going to happen. They taste stupid, so knock it off.

Just focus on Mustard right now. I promise it will be a best seller. Also can you mail me some samples? Me love chips long time.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

4.15.2010

America's Next Top Shout-a-thon


Ugh, I feel you girl. I had my mitts over my urs during the whole episode too! Okay, so last night I watched my first episode ever of Cycle 14. I DO NOT count the first episode where we meet 24, then watch them get cut down to 16 then cut down to 12 or whatever. I just don't have the patience for that nonsense and it's all such a shuffle that not one girl leaves an impression. So. Many of you wrote in to me asking why I wasn't covering Cycle 14; several of those letters were rich with pleas that I return to watching the show and writing posts dedicated to Tyra et al. And here we are! I made time last night to get familiar with the ladies of ANTM:C14, and let me tell you - BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. Um, what the hell happened to this show? Language that was once catty is now straight-up verbal abuse. Models that were once unique or goofy are now tragically bland and pedestrian. I really feel like this Cycle should have been called ANTM: Stories from the Mall. Also, is it just me, or do they all take themselves WAY too seriously? So maybe it's because I'm a little older or a little more mature (UNLIKELY) but I just couldn't handle all these girls yelling nonesensical jibberish at each other. Tracie from Jezebel made an excellent point (which I will be quoting FOR-EV-R):

I've never really understood why these girls—and reality show participants—have such a boner for "realness," which essentially comes down to saying mean things to people's faces, instead of in the much more comfortable setting behind their backs.

Um, exactly? Every conversation is the same:

Mean Bitch 1: You act like you have all this confidence, but we all know you don't know shit!
Mean Bitch 2: Whatever, I don't deal with uneducated people.
Mean Bitch 1: Did you just say I was uneducated?
Mean Bitch 2: I can't hear you, your mouth is ugly.
Mean Bitch 1: You can't talk about nothing cause you don't know me!

The one sentence that wraps up every idiotic reality show argument is "You don't know me!" What the hell does that even mean, you don't know me? What does it matter if I met you last week or have known you for 10 years. Anyways, it seems like this week's arguments leaned heavily on the Angelea/Brenda dynamic. Speaking of Angelea, homegirl has great taste:


Hells yes, I own that necklace!, plus plus I wear it at least once a week (which means I should probably stop wearing it so much). Anyways, here are my thoughts on all these used pads (aka They're gross! Get it?) and I'm doing them in the Tyra call-out order to keep things on point:

ANGELEA
Okay, this girl is a-ok in my books. I couldn't decide whether or not I loved her (she's from Buffalo NY which I LOVE) or hated her (she's lousy with obnoxious ghetto hand gestures). But she won me over with this quote:

I went to college. I went to a RedBook top 150 schools, bitch, look it up.


Well played Angelea, well played. This put her over the top for me. Anyone who can boast their college was featured in RedBook (which is essentially Ladies Home Journal) with zero irony and 100% real fucking pride gets a big thumbs up for me. Plus, let's look at her picture for a second. It's decent. I wish I had loftier praise for her, but let's just call this shot what it is: not terrible. Especially in a sea of just bizarre shots. Her "character" on the subway was supposed to be a fashionista or fashion editor or something. Essentially she was supposed to pull off chic and....she did, so high fives all around for Angelea (who went to college, bitch!)

KRISTA
I really like Krista's look. I want to see her go far. She seems sort-of normal so who knows? Maybe she'll be gone in a week (ANTM contestants are like goldfish: you think they're doing well, and in a week they're floating upside down in the bowl, stinking up the kitchen).

RAINA
What in the name of Crazy is going on here? I feel like Raina is giving us the worst Liv Tyler has to offer (aka Jersey Girl). So I say, go back to Jersey, girl! Ahahaha, just kidding! But seriously, see you when you get eliminated :(

ALEXANDRA
Is this girl's schtick that she's got a lazy eye that would make Paris Hilton jealous? I don't know if that's her actual eye or some art director just got carried away with the Adobe, but there is something very off about her face. Heidi Montag is giving this picture the side-eye and thinking "Dayum, bitch went under the knife with Stevie Wonder."

ANSLEE
Not a good model, not a compelling shot, but that outfit, MY GOD, that outfit! Can I haz please? Also, isn't this the bitch with the kid? Ugh, do I really need to launch into my tirade about Moms and Modeling? In the event this is your first time at this rodeo, here is my theory:
If you are a Mother, a Model you cannot be.
Sorry! I know, it's cruel and judgmental and I'm a bitch, but honestly? Modeling is hard work. You are traveling from country to country every week, starving yourself to maintain a very unrealistic body type, immersing yourself in the culture of fashion, surrounding yourself with $400 flip-flops and $900 jeans. Please tell me how raising a small person with two feet on the ground and a brain in their head works into this equation? Exactly, it doesn't. You're a Mom, you missed the Good Ship Modelpop, deal with it.

JESSICA
Ugh, THIS BITCH?!?!?!?! I just cannot believe this girl got through as far as she has! Okay, I shouldn't completely discredit her; she does have a good personality, an inner positivity, and the strength and drive to become a model. HOWEVER. Does her face not look so JC Penney? I feel like she should be modeling Clean and Clear, not Chanel. Also, what in god's name is up with her "character"? I know she was supposed to be like, 'some girl going to the club' or something, but where I'm from, her look is straight-up $10 blowjobs. That's right, I called her a hooker. I'm baaaaaaack!

ALASIA
I cringed so hard when Tinsley Mortimer asked her about her favourite designer and she said, and I QUOTE:
Louis V. I love Louis V. He's so cute.
History lesson! Louis Vuitton has been dead for 118 years. As well, Alasia said she liked "Loo'wee Vee" because "he is so colorful". Um...we're still talking about the handbags best known for their brown-on-brown patterns, right? People with no working knowledge of fashion LOVE Louis Vuitton (and Gucci, for that matter). It's like they learn about fashion from the knock-offs on Canal Street and Chinatown. I don't anticipate seeing Alasia in the Top 3.

BRENDA
Speaking of finding a turd in the punchbowl (what?) we have Brenda, who's face looks so much like that of a casual meth user, I started to get the shakes (what? times two). Brenda was being so righteously annoying in this episode that I made a promise to myself: if she isn't eliminated this week, I will not, no matter what the circumstances, even if there is only ANTM or hockey playoffs on, will NOT watch next week's episode. Yes, I hated her that much. She was just such a sour piece of crap, you know? No talent, no unique look, no personality. Why the hell was she there in the first place? Did she bribe Tyra with lace-front wigs? Or Andre Leon Talley with the whereabouts of Han Solo (yes, that was a thinly-veiled allusion to ALT's resemblance to Jabba ther Hutt).

Well, I think I will be watching again next week. Now that we're down to the final 7 (and rid of proverbial ass-pimple Brenda) I have a bit more interest. Also, let's hope there's more Nicole!
Boring! Stale! Bland! Soda Cracker-ish! Oh Nicole, please come back - you add a much needed element of pasty-beige to this Sleepy Time Snooze Fest. Alright, I'm out! See you next week!

4.06.2010

Can we accept Josh Groban as Cool yet?

Seriously, this guy takes so many balls to the chin and for what - FOR WHAT? For singing the sweet melodies that lull your Memaws to post-Meals On Wheels dreamland? For being discovered by The King of Mom Jams himself David Foster? For singing ear-bleedingly terrible songs like The Prayer or You Raise Me Up? Okay, all good reasons...but I don't think dismissing Josh Groban as 'that guy who sings the shitty music your parents put on during dinner to cut the terrible silence' is entirely fair. And here's why:


1. Josh Groban can laugh at himself
My personal heroes Tim and Eric called on Josh Groban to film a cameo for Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! wherein he plays himself singing the terrible, shitty songs of Casey for a television commercial. Playing himself. Singing songs. In operatic tenor. 100% in on the joke. Imagine that phone call?
Josh Groban's agent: Hey Josh, it's David. Okay, so I got a call from Adult Swim and they want you to film a skit for the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
Josh Groban: Sure!
Josh Groban's agent: Okay, um...it's just that the skit is you, Josh Groban, doing covers of those terrible Uncle Muscles Hour songs...and...the joke kind if lies in that it's...you singing them. Josh Groban. Because you're a terrible, hackneyed singer who's main fan base is moronic middle America.
Josh Groban: When do I start?
Josh Groban's agent: Josh, I don't think you understand. The joke here is that it's you. Josh Groban.
Josh Groban: Did I stutter? I SAID WHEN DO I START, ASSHOLE!
Also, please don't lie to me and tell me you didn't get a boner when he was singing Cops and Robbers.

2. Josh Groban makes Twitter a little less obnoxious

Okay, when I say I hate Twitter I mean I HATE Twitter. It's just so pathetic; people answering the questions nobody asked, 40 times a day. But that's been covered a ton (really, does anyone find Twitter something more than just one huge circle-jerk?) But after reading Josh Groban's tweets (EW. I hate using that term) my heart melted a tiny bit. He's actually fairly entertaining and (GASP) not incredibly self-involved.







3. Josh Groban is funny
You have to admit, he's got timing (unlike that bloated ham Clay Aiken). Plus, he's a great go-to in the event you need 'uptight suburban white guy'. As I have heard, Josh Groban and Jimmy Kimmel are friends. Hello! Jimmy Kimmel! That guy barely likes anyone.







And here is a picture Josh Groban posted to his Twitter. Come on, it's not hilarious, but it's not terrible either.


4. Josh Groban is hot.
Yep. He is, deal with it. I mean, he's like a cuter Andy Samberg, right? Handsome good-looks, tall-ish, decent teeth. Oh, and did I mention January Jones let him hit it for 3 years. Know who else she let hit it for 3 years? Ashton Kutcher.

Yes, this man is in the same vagina-league as Mr. Demi Moore. Which means that if I let Josh Groban Raise my Prayer (ewwww, what?) he would have to be very, very desperate to agree to it. He's a billionaire, hangs out with Jimmy Kimmel, and fucks hot broads. Also he's nice as shit and extremely humble. I'm sorry, why are people ashamed to say he's cool again? It's not like he's a notorious dickhead who is constantly declining to grant dying kids Make-A-Wishes or parking in the handicapped spots at Starbucks or anything. Hell, I think the worst he does is smoke weed now and then and drink at Grammy after parties.

So yeah, can I please call a moratorium on the Josh Groban haterade? I'm not saying you should start downloading Ave Maria or anything, but let's just appreciate him for who he is: a pretty cool guy who sings like someone your Grandmother would love (well, if your Grandmother isn't already into Michael Buble - some Gamgams are LOCO over him).