4.21.2010

Listomania!!

50 THINGS I LOVE
1. Elementary school lice checks
2. When a strange dog lets you pet it
3. Falling asleep after a warm mug of NeoCitran
4. When a baby laughs at you
5. When you gather all your hair and feel the ends after a fresh hair cut
6. Toy Fare magazine
7. Cookie dough before you add all the dry ingredients
8. Cold beer in a hot tub
9. Reading in the bathtub
10. Lime popsicles
11. Sitting on the beach before it gets too hot
12. Kraft Dinner
13. Having a nap at 4pm on a Saturday
14. Piping icing on cake
15. Black eyeliner
16. Snuggling up in a duvet, but poking your feet out
17. Watching the 4th hour of The Today Show with Hoda Kotb and Kathie-Lee Gifford
18. When you show a crazy religious zealot indifference (it drives them crazy when they can't argue)
19. The Beach Boys 'Pet Sounds'
20. When people use their/there/they're correctly
21. When people remember esoteric cartoons and television shows from 20 years ago
22. The sound of cracking open a cold Diet Coke
23. Presenting someone a birthday cake with lit candles and the lights off
24. When a baby falls asleep on you
25. Offering an elderly man your seat on the streetcar and he declines because it would be impolite to take the seat of a lady
26. New earrings
27. Picking my face
28. Long-running jokes
29. When a friend farts in front of you for the first time and it's 1/2 awkward 1/2 hilarious
30. Trying a new cereal
31. When little kids explain complicated stories
32. Low-brow humor
33. Making paper toys
34. Riding your bike in the dark
35. Very aggressive thunder storms
36. Seasons 3-10 of The Simpsons
37. Giving someone a friendship gift (when you find two of something and you keep one/give the other away)
38. Staying overnight in a hotel
39. Before and After pictures (especially plastic surgery ones)
40. RuPaul
41. Sitting on a roof
42. Costco samples
43. When a cashier rings up your purchase and they forget to charge you for something
44. Curling irons
45. Fireworks
46. Waving to my sister at work when I walk to the bank
47. Miniatures
48. Bad teeth
49. Yellow roses
50. Friendly squirrels

50 THINGS I HATE
1. Girls who wear stilettos/high heels to amusement parks
2. People who hate their relationship, are ultra unhappy, argue constantly, are emotionally abused, but won't break up because they've "invested too much time in it".
3. Farmville. Also see: people who play Farmville.
4. Moms on the streetcar who completely ignore their screaming child (US Weekly, texting, staring blankly out the window) until the minute you make an innocent comment like "sounds like someone needs a nap!" then they get all Rock of Love Bus on your ass, screaming "don't tell me how to raise my child! mind you own business, bitch! was he talking to you? come over here and say that to my face! my baby ain't done nothing wrong! Dyson can scream all he want, he don't need none of your stank!"
5. People with painfully boring names spelled in incredibly contrived ways: Ashleeigh, Kayeleigh, Maddysonn, Jessykah, Brayndonn
6. When cupcakes are treated like puppies ("Ooooooh! So cute!!! Nom nom nom!! I wish it had more glitter :/)
7. Long-haired cats that don't get brushed and their fur gets matted
8. People who's homes reek of litterbox. You do realize you have an animal defecating in the same environment you prepare food, right?
9. Racism, sexism, classism, homophobia: what's the point? Life is too short to get hung up on lame differences. Also it makes you look like trash.
10. People who say "In Canada we speak ENGLISH! If you can't speak English, get out of the country!" These are usually the same people who couldn't pronounce 'Immigration' properly if they had access to a "My First Speak and Spell" (also see: White Trash)
11. Comparing Diet Coke to cigarettes. NOT THE SAME. Please tell me just which cancer I will get from drinking Diet Coke and how long it will take. I'm happy to wait, really.
12. The Secret
13. The suffix "-ista"
14. Women who talk about their wedding being the best day of their lives. WTF? Your wedding was the best day of your life? How fucking boring is your life?
15. People who's fb profile picture is of their wedding...that happened more than 3 years ago
16. The phrase "I don't *get* 30 Rock". Look, I know you're still pissed that Everybody Loves Jim Belushi got canceled, but stop taking it out on people with decent taste in television
17. Transition lenses
18. People who use the term 'cheers' when they should be using 'thanks'
19. People who describe themselves as 'hipsters'
20. Girls who talk about feminism like they invented it, yet date the biggest douchebags
21. People embarrassed to go to dinner/a movie/vacation on their own. Own it! What are you afraid of? Being alone can be really great.
22. Cilantro
23. When people let their dogs crawl all over you and excuse it by saying "they are SO FRIENDLY!!" No, they're not friendly - they just have no boundaries
24. People who deny racism by saying "I have a black/asian/white/whatever friend". No, you don't - you have a brown guy at your work/a black neighbor/a white doctor/an asian relative-through-marriage. Just because you have had contact with someone of another race than yours doesn't excuse your backward comment
25. People who give me the 'bitch is racist' eye when I tell them I don't like Chinese food. I said Chinese food, not Chinese people. I'm sure there's tons of Chinese people who look at poutine and bear claws and think BARF
26. The phrase "I don't wear skirts"
27. Yelling at the elderly. It's heartbreaking
28. People who baby-talk words. Saying 'appies' instead of appetizers, 'peeps' instead of people, 'flippies' instead of flip-flops.
29. The banality of the Sex and the City lifestyle. EW
30. People who eat food in the grocery store while they shop. I don't know what's worse: that you're THAT hungry or that you're THAT bored
31. Joggers that refuse to take Christmas Day off
32. Anyone who pays $13 to see Epic Movie/Date Movie/Meet the Spartans/Disaster Movie in the theatres
33. When someone acts like they have discovered a blog about 6 months too late "Oh my god, I just found this HILARIOUS website called Stuff White People Like"
34. Artists who act like they are doing groundbreaking work by spending $20,000 of Canadian Arts Council grant money by placing a lone desk in an empty room. You are bullshitting yourself if you think you're contributing to culture.
35. Being embarrassed by a TV show/band/movie and referring to it as a "guilty pleasure". I'm don't feel guilty about LOVING cbc's Dragon's Den, you shouldn't feel guilty about loving How It's Made.
36. Talking about how your eyes change color. No shit, everyone's do.
37. That 905-er date-rapist uniform of a striped button-down shirt, distressed jeans (excuse me, "denim") and black leather pointy dress shoes. This is how wardrobe will dress the extras in 2030's version of Hot Tub Time Machine
38. When people act like I'm some mennonite, backwards polygamist's wife when I tell them I don't download TV shoes. Sowwy! I like to watch them on TV. Stop acting like I'm resisting technology, I just like to sit down on the couch and watch TV shows one episode per week.
39. Needing to have the most current version of a phone. No, my phone doesn't have 3G or browsing or mp3s or shit - I use it for talking and texting. Again, stop acting like I'm resisting technology. I just don't care.
40. Locavores. Guess what? Unless you live in a home that is 100% solar powered, your dumps power your internet, you make all your own clothing from weaving recycled fibres, being a member of the local food movement doesn't mean shit.
41. Hating the TTC. If you hate it so much, don't take it. Ride a bike, learn to walk, get your driver's license.
42. When small-towners make a big deal out of saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". If you live in a small-ass town 8 hours north of Toronto, I bet that your contact with Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, and Atheists is pretty slim, so you're really not rocking anyone's world by screaming Merry Christmas in their face. But when you come to a city where you're surrounded by a million different cultures, try not to prove "who's holiday it really is!" to everyone you see, okay? You look crazy.
43. When good people die too early
44. When horrible people live till they're 101
45. When teenage girls get pregnant and feel like abortion is this barbaric, soul-stealing option. Know what *might* be worse? Being a 15-year-old mother who has no interest in raising a child.
46. Acrylic tips on toenails
47. A million dirty silver piercings all up the side of one ear. 1996 called, they want you to stop being gross and maybe just knock it down from 9 to 2.
48. People who try to fudge a reason for their shitty tattoo. Did your dad die from AIDS? Instead of getting a convoluted neck piece involving a butterfly, a pocketwatch, and lotus flowers "in his memory", why not donate that $300 to AIDS research; trust, he'd want it that way.
49. When people won't reveal their middle name and are all like "OMG it's soooooo embarrassing!!" and then you find out it's something like Emily or Bradley.
50. Clip-in hair extensions

7 comments:

Duke of Spook said...

real good lists. Does Toy Fare still exist? I used to love that one

The Mayor said...

Yes! It does, and it's fantastic still (although sometimes I feel like they have some secret mafioso relationship with Matty Collector, because they are ALWAYS featuring the new MOTU toys. Which are cool but...I don't need features on them every issue. This just in, I need to get out more)

c.poir said...

oh gawd, head checks are the greatest thing ever. i still make my mom give me head checks, even though i would never contract headlice ever again. but getting it was pretty awesome. i missed a week of school, got head checks like 3 times a day, and my mom washed my hair in the sink. if you want your child to feel like a princess, make sure that child gets head lice.

The Mayor said...

My dream is to find a man who has both terrible acne and scalp dermatitis. DREAM BOY!

PsychoEx said...

Cilantro rocks.

Alice said...

Awsome lists! I really love when children tell complicated stories or really simple stories that go on for 10 minutes.

And I agree with you about stupid "art" - I once walked past a gallery downtown where the
so-called art was a bunch of different screws hanging from the ceiling and the title was something stupid about "screwing the establishment"...I hate it, like I hate when people slip the word 'nouveau' into conversation.

Sara and Scott said...

Okay you are clearly awesome. Way to kick ass.