America's Next Top Model, Cycle 14: stanky-stanky glue edition

Could this picture represent Cycle 14 anymore? I feel like they could bottle the energy from this seasons ANTM and sell it to college kids looking to score some downers.

Know what's crazy? When this shot came on I was STUNNED that this is the one they chose. During her shoot, don't you think she provided much more Grace Jones'edness? This kind of left me feeling empty, sort of like when you open your stocking on Christmas and don't find a clementine. I mean, it's still filled with awesome stuff, but the absence of a clementine is a bit of a let-down. In other news, I'm *almost* sure Krista is going to win this, just like she has already won my heart with when she uttered the phrase:

"I don't care what I have to do: bite, scratch, kick, beat chu down and ya momma too"

Oh Krista, you are a GEM!

Coming in second for my favourite model (and most likely to have the HUGEST meltdown when they are eliminated) is Angelea! Ooooowee, are you looking at this shot?!? Right now I'm reading a book about Crips in the California prison system in the 80s called Inside the Crips by Colton Simpson (Read it, it's CRAZY) and Angelea totally seems like a gangbanger's girlfriend. I know she went to a RedBook College, bitch! Don't mean she can't make a shank out of melted plastic cups and cut yo ass.


Jessica is such a classic Mean Girl. She acts super nice and friendly and all "Oh my god, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?" and then two seconds later she's cut-eyeing and deadpanning "that is the ugliest effing skirt I have ever seen".

Bokay, Alasia...how do I feel about Alasia? I feel like I don't really like Alasia, but I really like this shot. Dare I say it: I think she should have been ranked higher. I definitely think this shot is better than Rania's, and I *almost* like it more than Angelea's (AND YOU KNOW ANGELEA IS MAH BOO). So while I know that Alasia's days are numbered, I also have faith that she will have a career ahead of her when she grows up a little. Also her hair looks like Hetty King.

Okay, were the rest of you totally shocked that Alexandra didn't go home?!? I don't like Anslee AT ALL, but I think she was robbed last week. Anslee was far better than Alexandra; did you see Alexandra trying to model?!?! Holy crap, that was depressing. Add to that I have no idea whether or not Alexandra is supposed to be plus-sized or not. As someone who has the measurements of a standard American plus-sized model, I can tell you - she is NOT plus-sized. She's just a fat model.
All hate mail can be sent to skipraid@gmail.com

As said before, despite smelling like dookie, Anslee's shot isn't nearly the turd-in-the-punchbowl that Alexandra's was. You know, elimination this week was such a toss-up for me. Here were the pros and cons of each:

Pros: her face is decent, has good hair
Cons: lawdy where do I start, terrible body, constant rigor mortis poses, no creativity, no drive, zero personality, bland bland bland, no chance of winning Cycle 14

Pros: really good bone structure (including that crazy jaw), good eyes, has the drive
Cons: is a mom (NO MORE EFFING MOMMY-MODELS!!), complains too much, always giving the cut-eye, talks about how she wants to be a model to give a better life for her family

WINNER: yeah, Alexandra is less annoying. If Anslee wants to 'give her family a better life' (her words, not mine) she should take some night courses with Everest College and become a medical lab tech or a business administrator or the manager of a Business Depot or something. Seriously, I hate people that are like "If I just keep living my dream, and working hard, and playing all the clubs and bars I can in the tri-state area, I WILL be a rock star and make a better life for my family". Um no, if it hasn't happened yet, it won't (sowwy) so you should a) grow up and b) take responsibility and get a job that will pay your rent. I think letting Anslee go was a good idea; it's high time she realized that modeling isn't in the stars for her and the best way she can provide a decent life for her family is if she's with them (not hanging around Tyra's cameltoes). Speaking of Tyra...

When she mentioned they're going to New Zealand, did you not IMMEDIATELY think of Flight of the Conchords? I did. Maybe I need to read more books. Wait, scratch that - cause ANTM is just as tunnel-visioned. Their first photoshoot in NZ will be with sheep, and the episode after that will be a Lord of the Rings themed shoot. So yeah, stereotypes; yr doing it right. Anyways, if they DON'T do a FOTC-themed shoot, they are missing a serious opportunity. Bret and Jemaine aren't doing anything right now anyways (I'll tell you what they SHOULD be doing: a sequel to Eagle vs. Shark, but I digress).

Anyways, next week they're off to New Zealand! Krista and Angelea get to ride first class (LUCKY!) and they do a shoot with sheep on a hill. I'm going to just throw this out there: Alexandra is going home. And if she doesn't, then it's very clear she has made a pact with Satan and we should await the upcoming apocalypse. See you next week!


Alice said...

I totally thought of FOTC when they announced New Zealand! One of their challenges should be to do a music video with the guys. That would make this show great.

blah said...

i found your blog searching for ANTM. so glad you're watching again!