America's Next Top Shout-a-thon

Ugh, I feel you girl. I had my mitts over my urs during the whole episode too! Okay, so last night I watched my first episode ever of Cycle 14. I DO NOT count the first episode where we meet 24, then watch them get cut down to 16 then cut down to 12 or whatever. I just don't have the patience for that nonsense and it's all such a shuffle that not one girl leaves an impression. So. Many of you wrote in to me asking why I wasn't covering Cycle 14; several of those letters were rich with pleas that I return to watching the show and writing posts dedicated to Tyra et al. And here we are! I made time last night to get familiar with the ladies of ANTM:C14, and let me tell you - BIG DISAPPOINTMENT. Um, what the hell happened to this show? Language that was once catty is now straight-up verbal abuse. Models that were once unique or goofy are now tragically bland and pedestrian. I really feel like this Cycle should have been called ANTM: Stories from the Mall. Also, is it just me, or do they all take themselves WAY too seriously? So maybe it's because I'm a little older or a little more mature (UNLIKELY) but I just couldn't handle all these girls yelling nonesensical jibberish at each other. Tracie from Jezebel made an excellent point (which I will be quoting FOR-EV-R):

I've never really understood why these girls—and reality show participants—have such a boner for "realness," which essentially comes down to saying mean things to people's faces, instead of in the much more comfortable setting behind their backs.

Um, exactly? Every conversation is the same:

Mean Bitch 1: You act like you have all this confidence, but we all know you don't know shit!
Mean Bitch 2: Whatever, I don't deal with uneducated people.
Mean Bitch 1: Did you just say I was uneducated?
Mean Bitch 2: I can't hear you, your mouth is ugly.
Mean Bitch 1: You can't talk about nothing cause you don't know me!

The one sentence that wraps up every idiotic reality show argument is "You don't know me!" What the hell does that even mean, you don't know me? What does it matter if I met you last week or have known you for 10 years. Anyways, it seems like this week's arguments leaned heavily on the Angelea/Brenda dynamic. Speaking of Angelea, homegirl has great taste:

Hells yes, I own that necklace!, plus plus I wear it at least once a week (which means I should probably stop wearing it so much). Anyways, here are my thoughts on all these used pads (aka They're gross! Get it?) and I'm doing them in the Tyra call-out order to keep things on point:

Okay, this girl is a-ok in my books. I couldn't decide whether or not I loved her (she's from Buffalo NY which I LOVE) or hated her (she's lousy with obnoxious ghetto hand gestures). But she won me over with this quote:

I went to college. I went to a RedBook top 150 schools, bitch, look it up.

Well played Angelea, well played. This put her over the top for me. Anyone who can boast their college was featured in RedBook (which is essentially Ladies Home Journal) with zero irony and 100% real fucking pride gets a big thumbs up for me. Plus, let's look at her picture for a second. It's decent. I wish I had loftier praise for her, but let's just call this shot what it is: not terrible. Especially in a sea of just bizarre shots. Her "character" on the subway was supposed to be a fashionista or fashion editor or something. Essentially she was supposed to pull off chic and....she did, so high fives all around for Angelea (who went to college, bitch!)

I really like Krista's look. I want to see her go far. She seems sort-of normal so who knows? Maybe she'll be gone in a week (ANTM contestants are like goldfish: you think they're doing well, and in a week they're floating upside down in the bowl, stinking up the kitchen).

What in the name of Crazy is going on here? I feel like Raina is giving us the worst Liv Tyler has to offer (aka Jersey Girl). So I say, go back to Jersey, girl! Ahahaha, just kidding! But seriously, see you when you get eliminated :(

Is this girl's schtick that she's got a lazy eye that would make Paris Hilton jealous? I don't know if that's her actual eye or some art director just got carried away with the Adobe, but there is something very off about her face. Heidi Montag is giving this picture the side-eye and thinking "Dayum, bitch went under the knife with Stevie Wonder."

Not a good model, not a compelling shot, but that outfit, MY GOD, that outfit! Can I haz please? Also, isn't this the bitch with the kid? Ugh, do I really need to launch into my tirade about Moms and Modeling? In the event this is your first time at this rodeo, here is my theory:
If you are a Mother, a Model you cannot be.
Sorry! I know, it's cruel and judgmental and I'm a bitch, but honestly? Modeling is hard work. You are traveling from country to country every week, starving yourself to maintain a very unrealistic body type, immersing yourself in the culture of fashion, surrounding yourself with $400 flip-flops and $900 jeans. Please tell me how raising a small person with two feet on the ground and a brain in their head works into this equation? Exactly, it doesn't. You're a Mom, you missed the Good Ship Modelpop, deal with it.

Ugh, THIS BITCH?!?!?!?! I just cannot believe this girl got through as far as she has! Okay, I shouldn't completely discredit her; she does have a good personality, an inner positivity, and the strength and drive to become a model. HOWEVER. Does her face not look so JC Penney? I feel like she should be modeling Clean and Clear, not Chanel. Also, what in god's name is up with her "character"? I know she was supposed to be like, 'some girl going to the club' or something, but where I'm from, her look is straight-up $10 blowjobs. That's right, I called her a hooker. I'm baaaaaaack!

I cringed so hard when Tinsley Mortimer asked her about her favourite designer and she said, and I QUOTE:
Louis V. I love Louis V. He's so cute.
History lesson! Louis Vuitton has been dead for 118 years. As well, Alasia said she liked "Loo'wee Vee" because "he is so colorful". Um...we're still talking about the handbags best known for their brown-on-brown patterns, right? People with no working knowledge of fashion LOVE Louis Vuitton (and Gucci, for that matter). It's like they learn about fashion from the knock-offs on Canal Street and Chinatown. I don't anticipate seeing Alasia in the Top 3.

Speaking of finding a turd in the punchbowl (what?) we have Brenda, who's face looks so much like that of a casual meth user, I started to get the shakes (what? times two). Brenda was being so righteously annoying in this episode that I made a promise to myself: if she isn't eliminated this week, I will not, no matter what the circumstances, even if there is only ANTM or hockey playoffs on, will NOT watch next week's episode. Yes, I hated her that much. She was just such a sour piece of crap, you know? No talent, no unique look, no personality. Why the hell was she there in the first place? Did she bribe Tyra with lace-front wigs? Or Andre Leon Talley with the whereabouts of Han Solo (yes, that was a thinly-veiled allusion to ALT's resemblance to Jabba ther Hutt).

Well, I think I will be watching again next week. Now that we're down to the final 7 (and rid of proverbial ass-pimple Brenda) I have a bit more interest. Also, let's hope there's more Nicole!
Boring! Stale! Bland! Soda Cracker-ish! Oh Nicole, please come back - you add a much needed element of pasty-beige to this Sleepy Time Snooze Fest. Alright, I'm out! See you next week!


Alice said...

Welcome back! I have to say that this week's episode was by far the hardest to watch out of all seasons because of...Jessica!

I have never been so uncomfortable watching something in my entire life as I was watching her try to "fake" pick up Nigel in that lift.

It was like watching a cow stand on railroad tracks when the train is coming and you're like "Move you stupid cow! Nooooooo! Splat. Ewwwww!"

Usually I like to give each season a witty name like "America's Next Top Sears Model", but this is straight up "America's Next Top Hakim Optical flyer model", wait, that's too good...More like models in flyers for "Discreet Chat lines" à la Liz Lemon in her awful commercial.

The Mayor said...

Lawdy, Alice, not much makes me laugh, but I was laughing A LOT at that Hakim Optical Flyer comment. I used to live up the street from a Hakim and those models are JANK. I think America's Next Top Discreet Chat Lines is good, but I would also take America's Next Catholic Church Billboard for Focus on the Family.