4.20.2010

An Open Letter to Lay's

To whom it may concern

I have been a long time customer and thoroughly enjoy your product line. While I haven't eaten Doritos since you stopped making the delicious Tandoori Sizzler variety, I still consider them to be an excellent example of fine snack making. But the reason I am writing is to suggest a new chip flavour, one that has been bizarrely absent from your extensive catalogue of chip flavours.

Mustard.

Please don't turn your nose up at the suggestion. I have been dipping plain Lay's in yellow mustard for years, just like one would do with pretzels, and it is delicious. I first decided to dip chips in mustard after realizing that it is the only condiment I put on hot dogs or hamburgers (ketchup is too sweet for me and relish is just gross. I'm a fan of dill pickle and not so much of sweet pickles). Mustard is tangy and spicy and tart and the flavour! Can you think of something better? Wait - don't do it, you'll ruin my theory. Anyways, sour tangy flavours and crispy chips are a proven success: Dill Pickle chips are very big with the kids, and Salt and Vinegar are a staple at birthday parties and movie nights. Even All Dressed, which can easily divide a group into lovers and haters, is a big seller. No one even knows the base flavours for All Dressed. Go ahead, try to name it; oh, there's images of foodstuffs on the bag, but have you ever given All Dressed to a blind person and asked them to name the flavour without using the term 'salad dressing'?

*Note: With a little research I have discovered that All Dressed chips are a Canadian thing, just like Dill Pickle and Ketchup. Seriously, can you imagine a world without Ketchup or All Dressed chips? If any of my American readers would like to try All Dressed chips, please email skipraid@gmail.com and I would be happy to mail you a bag. They are delicious and you would not regret it.

So I must ask - why hasn't there been mustard-flavoured chip yet? You have done everything - EVERYTHING - and yet you've missed a very lucrative snacking opportunity in a yellow-mustard-flavoured chip. I don't see why you wouldn't make a mustard chip; you are very well-versed in the world of chip-flavoured fails. Need I mention Roasted Chicken? And don't get me started on the disgusting Pizza flavour (I have no idea how you equate parmesan-barf with pizza flavour, but I guess that's why I'm not in the chip business). Also you have made literally zillions of cheese-flavours; how many do we need? How many people have written you begging you for another 4-cheese blend? May I assume 'none'?

As well, mustard chips will do well in all markets. Please note the following:

SPORTS
Mustard chips aren't for pussies. You're not a pussy are you? CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! U-S-A! U-S-A!

DRUNKS
Mustard reminds people of pretzels, which reminds people of bars, which reminds people of beer, which reminds people of getting wasted, which reminds people that 'holy shit, I better eat something before all this booze gives me alcohol poisoning'.

TEENS
This ain't your mama's potato chip! Mustard is X-TREME! Mustard is sour and tangy and your taste buds will EJACULATE WITH EXCITEMENT!!! Wait, can you say 'ejaculate' on TV?

KIDS
You can't spell Mustard without the word 'tard' and calling people a tard is funny! Poop! Toots! Booger!

PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO CASUALLY GROSS OTHERS OUT
We all know that person - they go to a Chinese food restaurant and order the grossest thing on the menu (like chicken faces or squirrel tails or something) and they act so worldly while they choke it down. Well this could be the chip for them! Not content with eating Spicy Curry or Wasabi or Poutine chips, they could grab a bag of Mustard and act like everyone else is the dummy for not wanting to ingest the overwhelmingly strong flavour of yellow mustard.

DOGS
Dogs will eat anything!

OLD PEOPLE
The tangy, strong taste of Mustard Chips will be cathartic for their weakened taste buds.

FATTIES
Oh man, fatties will eat anything

BLOGGERS
Oh man, bloggers will try anything

HIPSTERS
They'll eat them as long as no one else is. The minute someone in a suit or a pair of Crocs is seen eating them, they they will be lost.

I really can't see anyone not liking Yellow Mustard chips; I mean, mustard and pretzels has been a pretty solid couple for the past...I don't know...hundreds of years? Why not chips? And besides - what new flavours are you putting before the production of mustard chips? There are only so many ways you can do cheese and BBQ. And another thing. STOP TRYING TO MAKE LIME CHIPS HAPPEN. It's not going to happen. They taste stupid, so knock it off.

Just focus on Mustard right now. I promise it will be a best seller. Also can you mail me some samples? Me love chips long time.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

9 comments:

Renee said...

They have the technology:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/donutgirl/311197433/

Also: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Chips-Lays-Mustard/125974173345

Duke of Spook said...

I think there might be pressure from the pretzel people to stay away from mustard

The Mayor said...

Honey Mustard is NOT mustard to me. I hate honey mustard (but I will applaud you on your fact-finding skills). Also those weird Euro-chips look decent, but I like the manufactured, completely unnatural Lay's brand chips. You KNOW they'd be bright fluorescent yellow.

Sir Frankie Crisp (let it roll) said...

Blimey!
If you Canucks think you have a hard time of it you must be off your trolley! We Brits have had to stomach such flavours as:
Cajun Squirrel and Chilli & Chocolate. Not a word of a lie. It's been donkeys since I've had a crisp that hasn't tasted like bollocks. We'll never get mustard crisps over here either and if we do, it'll be combined with something like lambs foot. Any how pip pip for now.
ps: at first I thought this post was about what you would call "french fries"

The Mayor said...

For fucks sakes, cajun squirrel chips are real.

SJM said...

I actually second this, and do ketchup flavored chips taste like french fries with ketchup? I am afraid of flavored chips since I gave Pepperoni Pizza flavor a try. Lime is not so bad if you eat them while drinking margaritas.

The Mayor said...

Ketchup chips are so good you'll cry if you eat them; it's like looking into the Virgin Mary's crying eyes.

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