5.05.2010

Florida!...so far

Hey everyone! Okay, so here is what is going on. I have no wifi at my hotel and wthe only way I can get wifi is at this weird convenience store with couches and FOX News playing on a giant flat-screen. So...all the Florida goodness will be coming to you next Monday May 10th. Right now I'm going to keep enjoying my vacation, drinking buttloads of margaritas, and getting lousy with skin cancer. So for now, please help yourself to the post I wrote while waiting at the airport. Enjoy!

Tennessee Mountain Home

Hey everyone, welcome to Florida Week! This is bigger than Christmas to me, f’rollz. Last year I spent a week in the states and blogged it all for you (see Florida Week, Original Recipe) and this year I am ultra-fortunate to spend another week in the classiest, most elegant state in the union (sorry Alabama. Get a few more gift shops featuring Jesus in a neon clamshell and we’ll talk).

Anyways, here is what has happened so far into my trip:
1) My flight was scheduled to leave at 6:40am. When preparing to board a plane outbound to another country you are advised to arrive at the airport at least 2 hours ahead of time. This means I was at the airport at 4:40am. This means I had to leave my house at 4:00am. This also means I had to wake my ass up at 3:00am (”I’m doing the drywall down at the new McDonalds”). UNCOOL FOR LIFE. There are several things I do-not-do, and waking up at 3am is very high on that list, along with “hold in farts when sharing a bed with a loved one” and “choosing dignity over value-for-money at KFC”.
2) If you don’t know anything about Toronto, here is the WikiTravel version: it’s very cultural, the largest city in Canada, one of the largest in North America (that’s right – we’re bigger than Chicago, assholes), decent government, good fashion, and only about 6 months behind New York City as far as coolness. I had to change planes in Memphis on my way to Florida, and let me give you the Geocities version: LOW RENT. Memphis TN is like fucking Hot Tub Time Machine: a good 10 years behind everyone else in North America. In 10 minutes I counted 5 pairs of Adidas tearaway pants. Do you remember those? I do, and I remembered they were stupid looking way back when I was 14 too. A guy wearing a Duke University visor just winked at me. Everyone is wearing Oakleys. Starbucks is a ghost town. It’s really weird.
3) There was a tornado warning in Memphis! Also it rained a foot! Crazy! Now, outside of a plane this is an enjoyable thunderstorm; cuddle up inside with some hot chocolate. But when you’re sitting in a tiny 50-seater plane and its chugging around the tarmac and you keep getting told that “we’ll lift off once the tornado warning falls from RED to ORANGE”, then you start thinking some Final Destination shit.
4) I barfed on the plane :( EMBARRASSING. The turbulence was so bad I felt like I was on a rollercoaster, and nothing I did could get my mind off it. Here’s something fun to think about: airplane bathrooms are barely large enough to pee in, not at all easy to barf in, so please tell me how one would have sex in it? Really, I’d like to know who the hell is having marital relations in that horrible, horrible tiny Tinkerbell toilet. When I got sick I got it everywhere: my shoes, my jeans, the bowl, the floor, the sink (I know, how the hell?!?) and I was aiming so furiously.

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