5.21.2010

This is some Harmony Korine shit!

As I've mentioned before, my house is right on the water and once summer rears its hot, sweaty face I'm usually out on the beach every day after work, all day on the weekends, etc. I'd like to say I'm doing hood-rat stuff like smoking Js under the pier or hooking up with hottiez in the sand (that last one just made me feel itchy), but usually I'm reading. Yep. I sit on the beach and read, and when the mood strikes me I'll settle into my Mexican poncho-blanket for a nappy-nap.

So last night I was walking along the beach with a rocket popsicle when I came upon two lovlies freaking the shit out of squares:

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Let's zoom in a little (WARNING: Not safe for people who feel embarrassed for other people or people who get that weird pit in their stomachs after watching David Lynch stuff)

Okay, so here is what was going on: the photographer was mid-20s (maaaybe mid-30s?) although the picture makes him look a lot older, I promise he was way too young to be wearing a speedo. He had tons of camera equipment on the bench across from the beach, and he had light meters and shit tucked into the back of his speedo. The woman sitting on the concrete block was definitely in her 80s, and was posing for a portrait. Okay, so here are my questions...

1. Why was the photographer wearing nothing but a speedo? It wasn't that hot out yesterday (as you can see by Memaw's sweater/slacks combo).

2. Why didn't he find a more romantic or pretty spot to take a picture than on that ugly ass cinderblock?

3. Why did he stuff his light meter down his crack?

4. Why did the memaw not take off her hat?

5. Why was he shooting directly into the sun? (Note: the sun was setting and he was pointing his camera to the west).

So many unanswered questions. All in all, it looked pretty heartbreaking. Decrepit old woman posing for pictures while some Greek boner is thrust in her direction. I really wished I had known the back story here, but I guess I will be left to my own devises and guess what the hell was up with those two.

Guesstimate 1: He is currently enrolled in a photography class and needed to do a project on the elderly. He called up his Nonna (Oma? Granny?) and asked if she would sit for a photo shoot down by the beach. She doesn't really want to do it (which would explain why she wasn't dressed up) but gives him a hug and tells him she hopes he gets an A+
...however, this doesn't explain the speedo. I would assume his Grandmother would tell him to "put some clothes on" so I think this one isn't going to work.

Guesstimate 2: The old woman, with one foot in death's doorway, decides to cross "have sex with nubile young Greek artist-type" off her bucket list and enlists the help of Craigslist to make her dream come true. Part of her fantasy involves sitting for a portrait session, so he rounds up as much professional-looking equipment he can find in the trash and pretends to take pictures of her before they make sweet sweet love in her senior's condo on top of a plastic-covered couch.
...nope, Grandmas don't know how to use the internet, let alone know what Craigslist is, so this one is out too.

Guesstimate 3:
The man in the speedo works at a retirement home and has fallen inexplicably in love with one of the women on the 3rd floor, Mrs. Iris Finklestein. He has asked her to join him on the beach while he takes a few pictures of waves. In the throws of dementia, she obliges, but only because she thinks he's President Taft. They go to the beach and he strips down to his underwear in the hopes she finds him arousing. She doesn't.
...not much about this scenario makes any sense at all, so I'm going to say this is the most unlikely of the options.

Guesstimate 4:
He's kidnapped her.
...but why would he need to kidnap an old woman? And why isn't he in some kind of weird underground bunker or shitty apartment with tinfoil on the walls? Moving on.

Guesstimate 5: The guy is actually a photographer and has spent the whole day at the beach taking shitty pictures of sailboats and seagulls. He was aggressively convincing himself that it was much warmer during the day than it actually was by wearing nothing but a bathing suit. An old woman, out for an evening walk, approaches him to make conversation (because she is so lonely and hasn't talked to anyone in a week). He tells her about the seagulls he shot. She then asks him if she could pose for him, to which he agrees, because he is sick of shooting seagulls (and also because she reminds him of his Grandmother who is still back in Greece). He tells her to get comfortable and she tells him that she thinks sitting on the concrete block will make her look glamorous, like Veronica Lake or Lana Turner. She turns her head to the side and lets him snap a few shots. He then tells her he's out of film (he's using a digital camera, but she doesn't know this) and asks "would you like me to mail you a few pictures?" She assures him that that's not necessary and that she hopes that she meets him on the beach again soon, and maybe he'll have the pictures on him then? They part ways, she walks back to her apartment and lies down on her bed, where she breathes her last breath of air before dying. Her son finds her the next morning in bed, unresponsive, a smile on her face, with a bookmarked passage beside her:
"Is there any nicer thing to me, to make a friend down by the sea"
...holy crap, that's fucking BLEAK. I really can't believe I just wrote that. I need to see Macgruber immediately before I start cutting myself. PS - I just made myself cry (and all I did was just re-tell the story of the old woman from Titanic).

Guesstimate 6: They're both bat-shit insane.
...Bingo! This is probably the likeliest of scenarios.

Guesstimate 7:
Gerry Jablonski's mother is turning 90 and his wife has been on his case for a week now about getting some nice pictures taken of her so they can put a birthday announcement in the paper. Gerry is cheap as hell and hires his buddies brother-in-law who is desperate to break into the world of wedding photography but needs to build up his portfolio. After chatting with him on the phone (he seems like a decent enough guy) the photographer agrees to pick her up at her condo and drive her around to a few nice spots and take some shots. He chooses some really unnatural places, like a carnival, the beach, and in a bathtub (something he saw on MySpace that he thought might look cool). She's almost 90, so she totally forgot he was coming and didn't have time to "put on her face" or go to the cleaners to get her suit pressed, so she wears what she wore to the grocery and bank that afternoon. As it turns out, the photographer is a recently paroled sex offender (explains the bathing suit and partial boner), not to mention a terrible photographer. The elderly woman returns home and yells at her son over the phone that she specifically said she didn't want a "foreigner photographer". She made no mention of the repeated back massages he attempted to give her, because she secretly liked it (but turned him down every time because she likes playing hard-to-get).
...I give this one even-odds. It sounds like something from Modern Family, and I like that.

2 comments:

Sleepless in Seatle said...

This scenario reminds me of the movie Blowup except that the end result has the potential to be much more sinister. My guess is that the speedo is an ill conceived attempt at trying to get an old person to smile - along the same lines as the puppets at a photo studio. As for the lightmeters stuck in his pants, maybe someone told him where to put that hat and he's trying to figure out exactly where "the sun don't shine." Also it could be some kind of visual pun on the word speedometer.

Alice said...

Unfortunately, I believe that this guy is wearing a speedo because he believes that it's so uncool/antifashion (or maybe that it's so Euro?) and that he is serious about his statement "art".