The Fancy Food Show (there's such a thing?)

Hey everyone! So as I was reading one of the 40 blogs I usually paw through on the daily (I know, I need a life rull bad) and I was directed to photographs from the 2010 Summer Fancy Food Show. I know, right? That's a thing! I am well-versed in the Candy Expo and Snackstock and Meatapalooza, but never have I heard of the Fancy Food Show. Here's what I took from it: their definition of 'fancy' is clearly very different from mine. I would consider Liz Taylor-scented lobster-stuffed-with-tacos on a bed of sheep's dreams to be the fanciest of the fancy (well, that and Fancy Feast, which served in a crystal dish is tremendously classy and fancy). So let's take a look at what they consider to the be pinnacle of Fancy Foods, shall we?
What is it? Well, the name doesn't lie - it's bacon salt. So, bacony salt, I guess? It looks like something you'd sprinkle on corn.
Is it fancy? Not really. This looks like something you'd find on sale at Wal-Mart. Also, the fact that 2 of the 4 flavours are Original (artificial bacon flavour) and Natural (naturally flavoured with bacon), it's not exactly something you'd find Donald Trump shaking on foie gras.
Would I eat it? Yes with an S, but No with a but: I would eat this once. Maybe twice. But a staple of my dinnertime seasonings it would not be. Here's the thing about bacon: it has a lovely smokey, meaty, salty, cured flavoured to it that really difficult to reproduce into an artificial seasoning. Artificial bacon, to me anyways, always tastes like when Japan tries to re-create a typical western food: it's sort of the same, but just weird enough to make it unsettling.

What is it? Get ready to be grossed out! It's a real eggshell filled with creamy truffle. And yes, I did say real eggshell. Because it's not like foil-wrapped eggs haven't been doing their job for the last 30 Easters...
Is it fancy? Not really, it's more like a weird indulgence. I mean, sure - they're very delicate and fragile (two common attributes to fancy things) and filled with fancy chocolate (the bread and butter of the fancy world of the borgeois). But I still can't get over the fact that it's chocolate in a real, gross, used-to-have-a-slimy-egg-in-it eggshell. It's like filling a hooker's panties with extra-rare beluga caviar; sure it's fancy, but it's still in something you normally find in the garbage.
Would I eat it? Allow me to tell you a quick story. When I was a kid, maybe 14, I thought it would be really cool to melt down chocolates and fill hollowed-out egg shells with the candy. I then put them in the fridge to solid up, and when I took them out I cracked off the shells to reveal perfectly-shaped chocolate eggs! Oh wait, no. I cracked off the shells to reveal a hunk of shitty chocolate covered in the thin membrane normally attached to the inside of the eggshell. Oh, and in one I found that weird umbilical cord that is sometimes still attached to the egg. So, to answer your question: no, no fucking way would I eat this shit.

What is it? It's a hunk of chocolate on a stick that you stir into a mug of hot milk.
Is it fancy? No. Do you remember when you could find chocolate-covered plastic spoons in every coffee shop and gift store in the mid-90s? I do, and I remembered even back then I was thinking to myself "who the hell doesn't have access to both chocolate and a spoon?" It's not fancy at all - it's the same as fancy hot chocolate mix. Ever since people started putting chili peppers into hot chocolate, the hot cocoa game has been upped. If you want to fancy up cocoa, you need to reach a little higher than chocolate-clump-on-a-stick.
Would I eat it? Of course I would eat this, but the key word here is eat. I do not have the patience for boiling milk, stirring the stick, waiting for it to cool off, etc etc. I would eat it like corn on the cob.

What is it? Fancy-pants green tea. Which brings me to my next point...
Is it fancy? Oohlala, it looks like it! Tea automatically gets the Fancy Pass when it comes loose in a tin and not just a crappy box in crappy bags. Also the flavours are fairly fancy: Orange Red Carrot and Black Currant Cardamon are quite chi chi. I feel like Mango Chili has been done, but I won't turn my nose up at it. But Plantain Coconut? That's a little too Celestial Seasonings for me.
Would I eat it? Oh, for sure! I'm a big tea drinker and such a mark for expensive teas. I once paid $20 for a small bag (because I'm a rube and the salesperson saw me coming). So I would pass on the plain green option, but the other four I could see myself serving to friends (well...maybe not that carrot one).

What is it? Potato chips flavoured like pepper and lamb with secret hobo spices.
Is it fancy? Nope. Wacky potato chips are about as fancy as a fart in the dark. I mean, you can actually get generic potato chips in weird and interesting flavours for like, $1.99 a bag. Plus, the chip market is so hyper-saturated that you need something really crazy and out there, like chocolate-dipped potato chips, to stand out (ps - those exist).
Would I eat it? Sure, but I wouldn't pay more than $2 for a bag. I mean, let's face it - there's no greater flavour than All Dressed, so why bother?

What is it? It's just super raw honeycomb.
Is it fancy? I will say yes, because it is fiddly and difficult to use and there is a much simpler version of honey out there that comes in a bottle shaped like a bear. Plus, you probably can't buy this at the grocery store - this looks like some farmer's market shit.
Would I eat it? Yes and No. Yes, because I love honey, love mixing honey into salted butter and spreading on toast, love putting honey on yogurt and corn flakes and into tea. And No, because have you ever actually eaten honeycomb before? Honeycomb is 25% wax, which means that your teefs will be full of wax and your toast will be covered in wax and your tea will have wax floating on the top, etc etc forever and ever amen.

What is it? It's pesto in an airtight bag. This is apparently good because air spoils pesto? I guess?
Is it fancy? Pesto is sort of fancy. Well, it's one of those mainstream fancy things, like spinach and artichoke dip, or dark chocolate.
Would I eat it? No, because pesto is GROSS.

What is it? Fancy seasoned popcorns!
Is it fancy? Can't you read? Of course it is! I think that popcorn is the new fancy snack. Kettle chips were pretty big about 10-15 years ago, and now that people have latched onto Kettlecorn like remoras on a shark, popcorn might just get its due. The flavours sound really good: Madras Coconut Curry and Cashews, Ginger Sesame Caramel, Vietnamese Cinnamon Sugar, Alderwood Smoked Sea Salt (I feel fancy just typing those!)
Would I eat it? Yes, for sure. Also I would want to buy and try all 4 flavours (good job, 479 Popcorn). But really, why has no one done cinnamon sugar popcorn before? It seems like such a no-brainer!

What is it? It's a natural Himalayan salt plate that imparts a light salty flavour to foods served on it. They recommend cheeses and meats.
Is it fancy? Hells yes. I wouldn't be surprised if these salt plates sold for $200 each.
Would I eat it? You'd think the better question would be Would you eat off of it, but no - I would eat these. I think I'm part horse, because I love licking salty things (no need for a That's What She Said joke, people). My mother used to have this Christmas decoration of a salt dough Santa Claus that I used to take off the tree and lick the feet of. Then my aunt gave me a salt dough clown for my room and I used to take it off the wall and lick his back. Later I received a salt lamp that I was told had healing properties, but I used to just sit on the couch licking it. So yeah, I would buy this thing, but I would just end up eating it. Not a good investment.


American Food

Okay, so a month and a half ago I promised to regale you with tales of my trip to Florida. Well...I'm sorry, but you should have known how late I might be with this post. First off, it's very picture-heavy, which means a lot of uploading time (aka time I could be using to sleep or watch The Cleveland Show). Second, I really wanted to make it funny! I find a lot of the time I write an "America is like this/Canada is like this" article, it ends up being kind of lazy with the same punchlines you've heard many times before ("Hurrrrrrrrr Mericans are fat"). Anyways, the part of Florida I was staying in wasn't very trashy, which means that I wasn't able to take any good pictures for us to laugh at. The Sads. But I was able to spend plenty of time in the grocery store and took lots and lots of pictures of fatty 'Merican foods, sugary sweets, cheesy sodium-laden treats, and all-round Enemies of the American Heart Association and those fighting the good fight against diabeetus. Alright, are we ready??? I like to call this post:

Americans are Fat for a Reason
Vacationing Canadians are Self-righteous and Smug

I can easily predict that even as I am lying on my deathbed, with one foot in death's door, I will still be completely blown away by the flavours of American yogurt, with the Yoplait brands in particular. For instance, not only is the Key Lime Pie flavour (which has a flavour profile that includes lime, creamy-ness, and buttery crust) available in Yoplait's original recipe but the Whips! recipe as well. That means that the average American consumer needs (nay, demands!) their yogurts vary in texture but also maintain the same flavours they have come to love. Also they want their yogurt to taste vaguely of buttery citrus pie (BARF).

Last year the flavours that really blew me away were Boston Cream Pie and Cinnamon Roll. This year it was Raspberry Cheesecake and Red Velvet Cake. I wish to address each separately:
Raspberry Cheesecake: Here is something I do not understand. I don't get why people want their yogurt to taste like cheesecakes. It seems really weird and gross, especially knowing that there is no actually cream cheese component to the yogurt. Now, the raspberry is a whole other sack of hammers; there isn't any actual raspberry preserve in the yogurt. It's flavouring. The whole thing is yogurt and flavouring oils. Are you fucking hearing me?!!? This foodstuff is meant to smell and taste like something from The Cheesecake Factory, and the only correlation between the two is that the flavour of this yogurt was actually created in a factory (like Frankenstein's monster, natch). It's just so Futurama to me, like food pellets or that gum from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that tastes like a roast beef dinner.
Red Velvet Cake: Besides being the new bacon, red velvet cake is something I would never, ever associate with a yogurt-based food. The cake gets its flavour from cocoa and vegetable oil (look it up, the oil is what makes it different) and the icing is cream cheese frosting. Let's add up the flavour profile of this one:
Cocoa + Vegetable Oil + Red Dye #2 + cream cheese + flour/baking soda/eggs = yogurt
In what weird, fucked up world do you want to eat yogurt that very vaguely tastes like cake? Please, I want to know! Find me a fatty who lives for this stuff beyond its foodstuff novelty; I need to know what went wrong in the womb.

Okay, so back to my thoughts on yogurt texture. In Canada, our yogurt usually comes in 2 textures: regular and light (the obvious difference is that regular is creamy and light is typically runnier and thinner). Now, I say usually because sometimes you can find mousse-like yogurts (which aren't that popular because they taste like crap) and very thick yogurts like Liberté Méditerranée but they're both kind of a niche thing. Anyways, in America they have tons of textures: regular, light, thick and creamy, whipped, fluffy, smooth and light, chalky, gritty, syrupy, etc etc. And they are really really popular; I guess Americans, not content with the broad catalogue of flavours, also needed an expansive stable of mouth textures for their yogurts (for a second I forgot I was just talking about yogurts. People! Americans have a million varieties of EACH. KIND. OF. FOOD. I just don't get it).

This is terrific for two reasons:
1. America is able to make even shitty vanilla creme sandwich cookies look tasty by adding adorable, contemporary animal graphic design to their packaging.
2. Hello?!? Does no one at Publix know that Vanilla Gorilla is the nickname for both a white guy with a big dong and/or the guy who cheated on America's Sweetheart Sandra Bullock?
Note-of-shame: Yes, that package is empty :(

This is the Hidden Valley Ranch wall at Wal-Mart. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Number one, ranch dressing is so fucking gross; it tastes like stale, shitty milk mixed with a package of dip mix from the Dollar store. Number two, it makes salad taste like a daycare. Number three, ranch dressing reminds me of crappy parties where someone puts out a tray of dried up carrot sticks and bruised celery and a huge bowl of ranch for dipping. BARF. Look, I don't want to claim to be some kind of high-falootin' big shot: I love shitty chicken caesar salads and mozzarella sticks and the like, but ranch dressing is the lowest of the low. Fun fact: next time you watch A&E's Intervention, count how many times you see a bottle of HVR. I bet it's more than 3!

On to a much sadder, less fun to make fun of subject: Pop Tarts. At least yogurt and salad dressing are purchased by grown adults who are able to make their own food-based decisions with at least an ounce of Food Pyramid consciousness, but Pop Tarts are marketed, made, and sold exclusively to children. Note: I am a grown-ass adult and the odd time I will purchase Pop Tarts to eat as a snack, but for the sake of argument, can we just agree that Pop Tarts are a child's foodstuff? Okay, good. So yeah, Pop Tarts are sold under the guise of fast, on-the-go breakfast food, despite the completely obvious fact that there is no pediatrician or nutritionist that would ever recommend any child eat Pop Tarts for breakfast. So let's just play Devil's Advocate for a second and pretend that you're a lazy mom (notice how I didn't say lazy broke mom? Exactly - that's because serving-to-serving, cereal and milk is much cheaper than Pop Tarts. Truth; Pop Tarts aren't even for moms on the F-Stamps). Okay, so you're a lazy mom who can't take two seconds to make her kid a decent breakfast and you throw a Pop Tart into the toaster. Would you not feel like CPS would come and collect your children if you fed them Blueberry Muffin Pop Tarts? Yeah, those are practically part of the raw food diet compared to these:

Amazing. Vanilla Milkshake and Hot Fudge Sundae. Breakfast that tastes like Dairy Queen. Also I love this:

25% less sugar? Thank Christ, I'd hate for Deremy and Jerrick to get Type 2 Diabetes.

This one is the best: Frosted Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. So it's sweet pastry filled with cookie dough-filling and frosted with chocolate icing. So it's dough and dough and icing. This sounds like cheesecake...WAIT A SECOND! It all makes sense! Americans need everything to taste like cheesecake. Which brings me to my next thought: why hasn't Pop Tarts created a cheesecake-filled varietal? What's that? Pillsbury Toaster Strudels beat them to it? Of course. Those sneaky bastards.

Well, if this isn't the most obvious sign of the apocalypse, then I don't know what is. In the event your vision is bad, this is a whole wall of Oreo cookies. This particular wall happens to the be second of two Oreo cookie walls in Wal-Mart. That's right! In Wal-Mart, there are two Oreo cookie aisles. Two. TWO FUCKING AISLES. These are the same people that still don't want gays to get married or legislate Universal Healthcare because it will 'ruin the country'. Fuck that, the fatties ruined America a long ass time ago. Hey America, know how many Oreo aisles we have in Canadian grocery stores? 0 AISLES. That's because we have a small section for cookies to ensure that people don't gorge themselves half to death. Meanwhile, back at For Fucks Sakes...

Oreo Blizzard cookies.

Even gum in America is dessert. We usually get these wacky gum flavours too, but they never do too well. I guess people up here get grossed out if gum isn't mint or cinnamon. You know what? Our loss, because this gum was fantastic! It didn't taste so much like pina colada as it did sweet pineapple, which was refreshing. Pineapple gum! Great! So good I chewed every piece in 3 days and wanted more. Although I think it was just the novelty, because it isn't very practical. Imagine eating a shawarma and then eating a piece of pina colada gum? Yeah, I also just barfed a little in my mouth.

Grits! Is there anything more 'Merican than grits? Canada has Cream of Wheat, but we eat it differently (sugar, sometimes cream). Americans like their grits savoury and cheesy (or plain with salt and pepper). I think that grits are an amazing staple of the diner breakfast and really wish they would replace potatoes in the Canadian breakfast 4-square (eggs/meat/toast/potatoes). They're warm, not terrible for you, have a decent amount of fibre, can be made cheaply and quickly, fill you up. However (oh, you knew there was going to be a however here). Just like what Quaker Instant Oatmeal is to actual oatmeal, Quaker Instant Grits are not really grits. They're very high in sodium, fat, calories, and are chock full o' artificial flavours, such as:
CHEDDAR CHEESE (okay, that's not terrible)
AMERICAN CHEESE (isn't American cheese just fake processed cheese? Why would you want your grits to taste like that?)
BUTTER (oh hayul naw. Is real butter not readily available any more?)
COUNTRY BACON (why is everything "country"? Like, I get that pigs can't be farmed in downtown Detroit. But it's the same as using the label "farm fresh eggs". Obviously - to put "sewer cultivated eggs" would be totally stupid).
Grits are one of those things that you should be able to add stuff to on your own, like pasta. Imagine seeing Pesto 4-Cheese Roasted Garlic Spice pasta? Right? You get where I'm going with this.

Alright, enough negativity. America does do some foods way better than Canada. Case in point, Fage greek yogurt. Why why why WHY don't we have this in Canada?!?! I would sell my sister for Fage. I would commit murder for Fage. This stuff is so good, I need to move on because I'm about to cry thinking of all the terrible things I would do to ensure Fage was brought to Canadian supermarkets.

Country Gravy aka Sawmill Gravy aka Baby Jesus Tears is one of those things you can't describe until you've tasted it. 4 of your 5 senses are working against you to ensure you don't ever ingest it:
SIGHT: It looks like semen
SMELL: It smells like sausages cooked in semen
TOUCH: Its gooey, like...a wet baby diaper (I bet you thought I was going to say semen)
SOUND: It sounds like semen. What? Exactly.
and then...
TASTE: It tastes like a cold winter's eve by the fire. It tastes like the first rain of Spring. It tastes like a baby's smile. It tastes like sausage and butter and saltiness and cream and heart and love and soul and God.

Hells to the no, Bobby B!!! Crush comes in two flavours in Canada: Aluminum Can Orange and 2L Plastic Welfare Bottle Grape. Both aren't very good. But in the US of A you can get Strawberry Crush? Orange Crush in the bottle?? Also, if you'll note in the picture, people don't get pissy when you move the bottles around. Would you like 2 of each flavour? Well, go right ahead, good sir. In Canada, someone would give you cut eye for doing that.

Ah, Coffee Mate. Those who like it, like it a lot. In Canada, we have 5 flavours: Original, French Vanilla, Hazelnut, Irish Cream, and Double Double Mate (which is just sweet cream). In the US, they have close to 30 FLAVOURS. Now, most of these are seasonal: for instance, you can only get Peppermint Mocha in the Winter, Pumpkin Spice and Vanilla Chai Latte in the Fall. But in general, walk into any grocery store and you'll find many flavours of Coffee Mate, like this little guy here - Belgian Chocolate Toffee. I know I was bitching and moaning several pictures up about how America gets a 4-hour boner for yogurt flavours, but this makes sense. You can get different, fun coffee options at Starbucks, so why not at home? Plus, Coffee Mate doesn't pretend it's something it's not; it knows its nothing more than flavoured, powdered non-dairy creamer aka straight-up chemicals. Plus, it lasts a long time. This particular container of Coffee Mate was gifted to the recipient on May 10th and was completely used by June 21st. That's value.

As a fervent baker, I am always on the lookout for cool baking ingredients, syrups, spices, etc. These blew me away - they're very tiny caramel balls. Seriously, can you comprehend for a second that I used to MAKE THESE?!? I would take a shitload of caramel squares, unwrap them all (that's the worst), cut them with scissors into 4 pieces, roll each piece in my hands to form a ball, curse at God. My only regret is that I only bought one bag and not 40. I think I will make cookies with these.

Finally, I have made fun of Americans in the past for Cheesecake flavoured Jell-O pudding (a slander I fully stand behind) but sometimes they get it right: case in point, Jell-O coconut cream flavour and white chocolate flavour. I have yet to sample the coconut cream pudding, but I have a very good feeling it will be amazing. The white chocolate flavour, however, is quite bittersweet. In Canada, we used to have this flavour but it wasn't a big seller, so it was discontinued. Can I tell you how delicious it was? The white chocolate flavour was so mild and nuanced, it was almost like what Vanilla should be. Very very good. Anyways, they pulled it and I have spent the past 2 years combing Dollar Stores and food banks (just kidding...or am I?) looking for the white chocolate flavour with no luck. When I'm in the US, I always buy a box because it's so nice. I like to make it for dessert when I have company. Note: it tastes very special when you put fresh raspberries in it before it sets.

Anyways, that's it! That's all the gross-tastic (and delicious) foods I found in America. I can't wait to go back to see what new things I can find (Spoiler alert! I bet they'll be very fatty).


American Apparel: Hits and Misses (well..mostly misses)

About two years ago, I wrote about the crappy styles at American Apparel, which was funny, but sort of like shooting fish in a barrel. I mean, most of the clothing 2 years ago was designed around the theory of If it's tight it's right. Well, not anymore, apparently. Forget about Dov Charney sleeping with all the female staff; there's a new attack on American Apparel:

They hire based on appearance.

I know, right? SHOCKING. A store with a reputation for being image-centric is hiring staff based solely on good looks. Of course, the whistle blower this time is gossip site Gawker. It seems like every other day they have a new article on how sleazy and shitty American Apparel is. In case you have 8 hours to kill, feel free to read their entire back catalogue of Won't Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children!-worthy posts, such as:

American Apparel Has a 'Full Body Head to Toe' Employment Policy

American Apparel: Internal Documents Reveal Uglies Not Welcome

And my personal favourite, American Apparel's Complete Guide to Grooming

But really, what are we worried about? It's common knowledge that American Apparel sales have been in the turlet: they recently announced a $17.6 million loss for the first quarter of 2010. Wamp wamp. It could be because they are trying really really hard to re-brand themselves as classic American, late 80s/early 90s Ralph Lauren upper-class casual (which is a huge leap from late 70s/early 80s spandex camel-toe fat hooker swimwear-as-outerwear look they were aiming for as of 2008 and/or the EVERYTHING WE SELL IS THIN AND GREY look of 2009). Will it work? Meh, who knows. Alls I know is they are still selling some really ugly shit.

Okay, so this just kills me. It's not terrible, per se - I mean, it's just a wintertime nighty-night onesie. But seriously, could you imagine your boyfriend/husband wearing this? I don't speak for all men, but all the guys I know/have shared a bed with usually get so hot at night they sleep in their underwear. Hell, I grew up with a Dad who never wore pyjamas, and one time I saw him wearing a full shirt-and-drawstring-pants pyjama set and it was WEIRD. I was like "Dad, this is more traumatic than seeing you in your worn-out underwear". So I cannot imagine the kind of guy that would actually wear a full onesie. I imagine this guy's father looks at this picture of his son and thinks "I made so many mistakes raising Geoffrey...."

Okay, so two things about this are making me barf in my mouth.
1) The zipper. EW. My uncle used to date this lady named Barb (who pronounced it like Beyurb) and she was all about the zippered bathing suits. I should also mention that she was clinging to a style that was popular about 10 years prior - this was like, the mid-to-late 90s. Anyways, one time her kids came over and used my sister and I's Super Soakers and we were PISSED. Long story short, bathing suits with zippers always makes me irrationally angry.
2) The denim. I cannot stand anything faux-denim. Actually, I'll take it one further - I don't tolerate denim as a first-layer. That means no denim tank tops, bras, or short shorts. That means you, 80% of the Summertime public. I just can't handle those super short jean shorts - they're so trashy. I don't care that you paid $100 for them; it still looks like Christina Aguilera in her Dirrty days. Anyways, denim-print things are just so gross. Imagine cordouroy print? Wool-print? And it's ALWAYS on a spandex-type fabric too, which is 100x worse. Anyways, this bathing suit is my nightmare.

While the second image of the model isn't terrible (it's still bad, but not bad enough for me to barf up my lunch) the first image says "I can't wait to spend this month's cheque on that knockoff Coach purse down at the flea market", which is to say - yes, I am alluding to the fact that she looks like she collects welfare.

This picture does not do this coat justice; it is much worse in person. I saw it and was like "ew, is that sweatpant material?" and yes, yes it is. It's a jacket made from sweatpants, and it fits exactly how you would think a jacket made from sweatpants would fit: Awful.

These riding pants are thick and tight, which means one thing: crotch rot. And for the rest of us who aren't anorexic or a size 0, it means something else: DHB (dumpy horse butt).

This whole look reminds me of the crazy alcoholic drug-addict mom who used to live on my street and flip-off the neighbors. And for those of you who didn't grow up with such a colourful character, let me tell you: more sad than hilarious. You'd think such a lady would be the basis for many a "oh my god, when I was 11" stories, but it was more like "oh my god, this one time my 9 and 6 year old neighbors had to sit in their garage on paint cans on a really rainy night because they were locked out and their mom was getting drunk at a bar".

She's 3 lbs away from a seriously offensive gunt.

Blue Velvet the movie: amazing
Blue Velvet the fabric: not very forgiving

"Shit...I can't really go topless to Gamp-gamp's funeral, but it's sooooooo hot outside. But Nan-nan will kill me if I show up with no shirt on. But it's soooooo effing hot outside!"
"God Julian, just wear the mesh tank. We're already late"

The issue I have with this shirt is that it's so baggy that one could not effectively wager a guess as to whether or not the wearer has man boobs, thus entering into the critical apex before one gives the green-light to intercourse. Jokes! The reason I hate it is because it's fucking stupid looking.

This is some straight-up Jackie Earle Haley/Little Children shit.

This skirt looks like that dare VICE had about a year ago where people had to find 5 days worth of the shittiest second-hand clothing and make a friend wear every outfit. I can't imagine how one could possibly make this skirt any more tolerable.

Erp. Apparently this is how you make that skirt more tolerable. Like honestly, it's fun to rag on American Apparel's clothing, but sometimes they put out something so fug that even Dov himself must say "Wow, guys...maybe let's sober up first before putting these pants into mass-production". I cannot see even the hipsterest of hipsters wearing these pants. The only person dumb enough to try it would be Kesha (I refuse to type that dollar sign) and you and I know she's pretty special in a "honey, pass the gasoline - I can't believe the dangerous-inhalant cravings I've had during this pregnancy."

In other "It looks like I pooed my pants" news...

American Apparel was successful at bringing back the fanny pack, mom jeans, sweatshirts with cats on it, pastels, and that nylon rope you use to hang sunglasses around your neck. Now they're working on pleated poly-cotton pants and knit button up vests. I'm no math professor, but if [(X + Y) x Y/Z] + (irony x 2) = STOP TRYING TO MAKE MIDDLE AGED SEXLESS MIDWESTERN MOM HAPPEN. It's not going to happen!

Out of all the clothing in all the world, can I tell you that this t-shirt is the style that gives me the chills the most? I don't know what it is, but it's making me sick just looking at it. Maybe I was molested once by a weird European guy in a threadbare scoopneck t-shirt and I have chosen to block it out of my memory. Or maybe it's just that scoopneck t-shirts look fucking disgusting. I dunno. I'll go with number two.

And finally, the piece de shit (ugh, sorry - that doesn't even count as a joke) is this whole look, but let's break it down piece by piece, shall we?
1) Unless you're a Dad or a golfer or a tennis pro, polo shirts are pretty lame. They look like you work at Subway or Wal-Mart and always smell like B.O. Buttoning them up does not save them; it makes them look much, much worse. Add to that the fact that they always look worn out, no matter the colour or how many times you wash/don't wash it.
2) Woven belts reminds me of dorky boys who get mushroom cuts till they're 12 and always have a teen-stache and love family trips with their parents and their whole closet consists of t-shirts from various American landmarks and all their friends are a good 5 years younger than them and they sit down to pee and they have never called their junk a wiener or dick but a penis-with-a-hard-P. I don't want to wear anything that this kid wears.
3) The pleated pants. In seafoam green. Norther Reflections has just contacted their lawyers.
All in all, I like to call this look 20-year-old Late in Life Lesbian. If I were to do a mood board for her, it would involve tons and tons of cat hair and a sports bra.


Monday Post re-runs :(

Hey everyone! Okay, so I was planning on writing something awesome for today, but this weekend was a beeet of a mess. First off, Friday night was me moving all my stuff into a temporary housing situation. Not fun. I feel like Royal Tenenbaum living out of a hotel. Second, Saturday was one of the best/worst days of my life: best because I saw Neil Hamburger and worst because I got diarrhea at Neil Hamburger (and yes, I will be telling you the story of that. Maybe Wednesday). Third, Sunday I was out all day petting dogs at this thing called Woofstock (yes, it is a dog festival and yes, all the dogs drop acid and hump furiously). So yeah, I was really busy and didn't have time to write you something good. My bad. Please accept this old post from June 10th of 2007 (HOLY SHIT 3 YEARS AGO) titled Muppet Babies: Where Are They Now? I guess I wanted to re-post this one since I was recently talking about the Muppet Babies growing up and how messed up I thought it was that baby Gonzo was all about chickens and eggs and shit and then he grew up to date chickens. FACT: in a Muppet Babies book I used to read over and over and over again as a little girl, baby Gonzo slept in an egg and his nightlight was a chicken. That would be like me sleeping in a sperm-shaped crib and my nightlight is a penis, right? I dunno, there's something weird and unsettling about that. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Anyways, enjoy!


New Jelly Belly flavour? Habmursaaaay!

Picture courtesy of The AV Club.

Okay, so this week I was reading The AV Club's annual post about The Sweets & Snacks Expo (previously named the All Candy Expo) and I got really excited to see that Jelly Belly will FINALLY be releasing a new flavour! Remember way back in September 2007 when I asked (nay, begged!) for a new flavour or two? Well, looks like someone at Jelly Belly finally took 10 minutes from filming clips for Unwrapped to think up a new flavour and it is....


Yeah, okay...that's a little boring, but it works. I mean, would I want to eat a whole bag of honey flavoured jelly beans? Probably not, but I wouldn't spit it out if I got it in an assorted bag. Anyways, it got me to thinking about jelly bean flavours again, so here are some more ideas.

And yes, it's clearly a very very slow week.

To me, the fruit flavours are what keep the Jelly Belly brand in business. Sure, there's a certain fun that comes with wacky flavours like pudding and buttered popcorn, but the majority of beans in the bag are fruits. And it seems like they have done every single flavour; hell, they have just about every berry and citrus. But they are missing two: green grapes, lime. They have tons of lime-flavoured beans (mojito, lemon lime, etc) but no straight-up lime. And green grapes are delicious, but why do they call them white grapes in the US? I never understood that.

The candy flavours don't seem to really make it in there because, lets face it, if you want something Snickers-flavoured, you'll buy a Snickers. But some flavours go really well and aren't necessarily candy bars themselves: dark chocolate mint, chocolate caramel, cookies and cream. I feel like all of these could be really good (especially that chocolate caramel one). Make it pls.

I couldn't classify these that well (not candy, not fruit) so I guess they fall into the same category as Peanut Butter (ie. Stuff that really shouldn't be made into a gelatinous bean). Maybe I should have named this category WEIRD ONES, but that is a naming convention better left for beans flavoured like boogers and poo. Here are one I thought of: sweet cream (creamy but not vanilla. Maybe like a buttercream?), rosewater, cream cheese (gross?), baked brie (okay, this could be delicious. It would be creamy and cheesy and a bit buttery and pastry-like. Ew, maybe I just want to bake a brie when I go home), sweet tea (black tea with honey and milk), vanilla-mint (too toothpaste-y?), chocolate milk, ice cream sandwich (I guess that's sort of like the cookies and cream one), custard (vanilla pudding?), red bean paste. And I know I mentioned before but WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE A RED LICORICE FLAVOURED BEAN?! It can't be hard.

Is it too soon to nominate her as 2020's Corey Haim?

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. I've followed Lindsay's downspiral for over 3 years now, and I really do wish her the best with her recovery. God, grant her the serenity toBAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't do it!! I can't! She's just too fucked up! Like honestly, in the beginning I was seriously rooting for her; how could she not have avoided a cocaine problem? I mean, her whole life is a recipe for disaster:

How to Make a Failing Actress
- 1 fame-hungry New Jersey mother
- 1 fame-hungry alcoholic father
Mix together and immediately pimp offspring to a talent agency. Age several years in the spotlight and be sure to mix in plenty of over-the-top back-patting and shallow compliments to ensure maximum narcissism. Once aged to about 15-16 years, add the following:
- 1 hit movie
- 1 dozen members of an entourage who's sole purpose is to aggressively inflate her ego
- Several heaping pay cheques (be sure to avoid agent's advice that you should invest the money in a college fund).
Note: Be sure NOT to include any accountability or rules, otherwise you might end up with a Dakota Fanning.
Once the actress is full self-centered, rapidly add the following:
- 1 40 oz. bottle of vodka every 2 hours
- 2 cocaine dealers (make sure to borrow against the other when cash isn't readily available)
- 1 fame-hungry mother who makes terrible management decisions
- 1 fame-hungry father who went to prison and found Jesus
- Several rehab centers that work on the "sign yourself out when you think you're sober" policy
- add GET FUCKED UP to taste

Seriously. Know what's BEYOND to me? The judge ordered she wear that SCRAM anklet (and I will not Google what SCRAM stands for because I love calling it a SCRAM. I imagine it was put on her ankle by a crusty old man. Scram, whydontchaz!) Anyways, bitch has this anklet on for 1 week and she's already set it the fuck off. UM, WHAT?!?!?! This is some Leaving Las Vegas shit! Remember how Nicholas Cage can't go 30 minutes with Mommy Juice or he'll get the shake-ums? Holy shit, that's Lindsay Lohan (I won't even get into the ending of Leaving Las Vegas where SPOILER ALERT! Nicolas Cage drinks himself to death because, well, that's just too morbid).

So really - what the hell do you do with someone like this? Her parents are in total denial that she's a fucking drug addict and an alcoholic (well, her mother at least. Michael Lohan seems to be genuinely worried while the TMZ cameras are rolling). She has no friends. Her drug dealers have turned on her. Hell, she's working on a biopic of Linda Lovelace right now that is rumoured to be nothing more that 120 minutes of soft-core porn with a couple of beat-downs thrown in for continuity's sake. Does anybody else see Lindsay Lohan as a sort-of Dana Plato/Corey Haim hybrid? Cause I do, and it's sort of like watching a really low-budget circus sideshow, except that her trick is being a mess. And know what the worst part is? That when she dies, and she will die from drugs/booze/pills/wrapping her car around a tree, her People magazine cover will look like this:

I hate that! They always make it seem so tragic and shocking like "wait, what?!? Not (insert D List celebrity drug-addict here)! I was laboring under the delusion that they were going to live a long, sober life! Why, God, why would you take such a productive member of society away from us! They had so much more to give!" Obviously we should know who's at fault here:

Doye, you and me.

If we just stopped watching E! and Access Hollywood and reading US Weekly and InTouch and Perez Hilton, and stopped reading their Twitter feed (I'm sorry, I refuse to use the word 'Tweet') and STOPPED CARING ABOUT THEM, Lindsay would go away. So would Heidi Montag. So would Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian and every other famous-for-nothing celebrity. Know what the worst part is? I honestly would not get star struck if I saw a Kardashian (I really could give a shit) and yet I still buy US Weekly. What is wrong with me?!? I try to convince myself I buy it for the lame fashion advice, but really - I don't dress like anyone in US Weekly. Ugh, anyways, when Lindsay Lohan finally implodes, I'll be there with bells on, but only because I can't quit Means Girls Lindsay Lohan. Crap.

In other news, I promise a much better post that this one in the near future. I know, I have failed you as a parent (like Dina Lohan. OMG FULL CIRCLE!!!)